I'm tired of stoners

[Annoyedbyit]

Have been seeing my dp for 7 months, I knew he was a 'smoker' (and other things) when I started seeing him, so I feel I don't have much of a reason to be peeved, however, I would very much appreciate a bit of advice.

I don't smoke or take any sort of illegal drugs, just my choice and I don't judge those that do as it's simply their choice. When he comes to my house, he smokes his weed outside as I don't even smoke cigarettes and it wold make my house smell. He doesn't object to this.

I stayed at his place on Saturday night as he had the house to himself (flatmate away), so I was really annoyed when on Sunday morning this happened...

We had a nice lie in and everything and he went to get the papers and was going to make us a nice breakfast, a lovely, lazy sunday morning. However, his friend from the flat upstairs pops in, as he always does (v annoying) with some weed, so dp instantly 'skins up' and they start smoking several joints. It is really strong and there is a smokey fog about the place, so I went and sat in another room.

I thought to myself: 'what the hell am I doing here!', so I decided to head home as a stoned dp is not what I wanted to be with. DP totally taken aback by me wanting to go home as he couldn't see he'd done anything wrong. I felt like he had put me on hold until he was ready to pick up the romantic sunday element again. I just didn't want to be treated like that, but he made me feel like I was being totally irrational and unreasonable and he couldn't see why I was peeved.

Anyway, I left and feel like something insurmountable has happened, don't think we can come to an agreement over this. Sorry if this is long and rambling, it's really on my mind and I don't know what I should do or if it's worth trying to move forward on this. Thank you all for listening and thank you in advance for any advice.

Am glad your DP wanted to change his ways GUM.

I remember how unhappy you were and am glad to see things are better for you these days.

I hope for annoyedbyit that it does work out but I have my doubts.

Hello all - you're right, I have no training in helping someone off drugs, however, I do think he deserves a chance and as it was his idea, if I was to end it now, I wuold never know the outcome and whether he will change his druggy ways. I'm prepared for a relapse, but if it happens and if he handles it ok, I will overlook it once. Another time, then I wouldn't. He's only human and he knew all his druggy friends before he met me, so I'm hoping he's seen another side to life with me and that it doesn't have to be lived through a straw up your nose or a spliff in your hand. If he decides he wishes to go down the drug route, then I WILL leave him, you here are my witnesses!

annoyedbyit,

You are ultimately not responsible for him regardless of outcome. We are responsible for our own actions.

I hope that you are enough for him to change. You however, cannot police him and you have no training. You say you can deal with one relapse but do you fully realise what you are taking on here?. Has he committed to giving up his former lifestyle; all of it friends included?.

He could do with professional help to get clean and they will in all likelihood tell you that he needs to do this without his girlfriend around as he needs to do this for his own self. That will be hard for both him and you.

I would reiterate that if he wants to get clean he cannot and should not use you as his crutch in order to do so.

so what steps is he taking in becoming drug free???? im sure that after years of drug abuse it wont be a walk in the park.Things are going to be very rough because he is not giving up just one substance but a bloody handfull.IMO he needs to docus on being clean for himself...not just you.if he is doing it purely because you donr like it then i think he will fall flat on his face.has he realised that he will have to move out of the place he is in and stop contact with all his druggie mates.It has to be a complete life changing experience....can you teust him to put his whole heart into this because if not then you are just wasting more time on this man

Hi Atilla - I hear you. I am going to suggest to him that as I have no medical training or counselling training that he goes to see his doctor. I'm going to tell him this tonight as we're meeting for a continuation of our chat last night.
He hasn't mentioned giving up his friends, I can't make him do this, though I hope (it's only a hope) that if he is drugging less then he will have nothing in common with them and won't want to sit in a room and watch them at it. Maybe it will be an eyeopener if he did and if I was him, the novelty would wear off sharpish.

It won't be an easy road for him as when you give anything up it makes you look at yourself and it's very scary because it opens up the big unknown. I will be there to support him and take him out to places where drugs aren't the main focus of the day or evening and being skint, this may well just have to be dinner at my house or a trip to the cinema!
He was worried about telling all his friends about his change of habit and this tells me that he is worrying that they'll think he's chickening out, under the thumb or even superior to them. In my opoinion he is way superior to them all as I love him, however, he is just moving on (hopefully) and you can't do the drugs all your life, people change and some just grow out of it. It's been his way of life for well over ten years, so he can just tell them he's moving on. I don't care what they think. I just care about him.
He can use me as his excuse if he likes, I don't mind. If they ever dared to say anything to me, they'd regret it!
I understand I am not responsible for him, he is a grown, thinking person but if I can make a difference then I will go for it and be there for him.
Does anyone have experience of this sort of thing, how do you handle it if he feels a relapse coming on? How can I help him against peer pressure? I don't think he will instantly give up his friends over this. I don't know if I want him to as I don't think I have the right. I'd prefer it if he had at least some non-drug friends, but he doesn't. Thank you all for listening and for your advice x I'm away from my pc until tomorrow, so I'll check in then. Don't worry if you're all adviced out though!

Annoyedbyit I really do think that you could both do with some professional help or at least a support group. Why not have a look around for some. If you are going to stay with him I guess you both need to give it your best shot.

i just dont see how he is going to beat this addiction if he doesnt change his lifestyle completely

Hi fawkeoff - I worry for him too as he's taken on a mammoth task. He thinks he can just give up and use will power, it will be hard. I will help him in as much as I can, but I think it will go much deeper than me telling him he is doing well. That's why I'm going to suggest he sees a doctor too as they will know of support groups or even sites like this that he can email annoymmously. I'm a regular user of MN but changed my name for this thread as it was so personal. Last nigth when we talked, I expressed my worries that he was taking on something so big that he may not be able to go through with it and may be secretive if he slipped 'off the wagon' - he got a bit annoyed at this and said I didn't have faith in him. This upset me as I was just trying to be ultra-understanding so I left it and will pick it up again tonight.
Should I say to him that I will have zero tolerance? I don't think I could as it sounds so control freakish and that is not who I am. I come from the angle that it has to be his decision.
I'm hoping (seem to be doing a lot of that recently!) that when he sess his druggy friends totally out of it, nosebleeding, stomach aching, permanent-running noses, stoned chit chatting (sorry if that sounds like I'm disrespecting them but I AM!) then he will want to branch out and see new people, find new friends and get and stay clean. Massive lifestyle change but if he wants to do it, it is entirely possible to do. I hope he can do it as I love him and want to be with him and to be happy and build a life together, not around his habit and his co-using friends.
I will trust him to do what he says he will unless he does it behind my back and says he is clean, does it infront of me or makes new druggy friends.
Small steps into a better life, I hope...

"He thinks he can just give up and use will power"

No. He's been taking various drugs for the past 13 years, this is going to be hard physically and mentally. He needs proper medical help to get clean and more importantly, to stay clean once off them. He will also need to address why he started to take such substances in the first place.

How will you know if he's clean short of him submitting to random drug tests?. He needs to be in a rehab treatment centre but he has to want to go there for his own self, not just because of you and your deep desire to see him drug free.

You need support too and you're not going to get it solely from him as he has his own demons to fight. Who is going to back you up when the going gets tough?. You need to also talk to drugs counsellors re him. You both need counselling separately if you truly want to help each other.

If he is also not willing and or able to give up his druggie friends then there may ultimately be no hope for him. If he is serious about wanting to change then he will have to change his whole lifestyle and get a new circle of friends. There is no point at all in trying to get clean only to go back to the same drug related circles that he previously mixed in - does he agree that is the case?.

I have no doubt you love him but love alone is not enough here. He can get clean but he has to really want to do this for his own self, not for you or anyone else.

What if he does let you down?. You will be disappointed at best and heartbroken at worst. Are you prepared for that distinct possibility?.

www.talktofrank.com is a good website for you to look at.

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Hi GUM,

No professional knowledge but have seen this go on.

Will write just generally here.

Who will support the partner of the person addicted?. Professional support is needed for both the addict and their partner. Everyone else on the receiving end of the addiction will not get any support from the person in the throes of addiction. It is bloody hard but the only person who can help the addict ultimately is the addict.

The partner as well needs to break free of the wanting to rescue pattern. This is bloody hard as such a desire is often inbuilt (for instance many adults who have seen alcoholic parents in their childhood can become super responsible for others).

I think things have got a bit out of hand here - your partner is 27 - he takes coke, smokes weed daily and does e's on his nights out - if that is an addict which needs help to get off then I've been surrounded by them my adult life and not ONE of them has needed "help" to get off them - BUT - nearly all of them have let them go to a more or lesser extent from the ages of about 27 or 28. (And they have all lived rounded full well adjusted and high achieving lifes!!!! - in fact the ones that partied the hardest seem to have gone the furthest in their careers and got the most academic achievments!!!)

I think because you don't do any drugs at all or if your own experience has been bad you might be taking quite a polarised view.

Remember, all he did to precipitate this was roll and smoke a joint with a mate who came round on a lazy sunday afternoon - HE HAS NO KIDS. He hardly pulled out syringe and started loading his arm up ffs.

Unless he's caning hundreds of pounds worth of coke every week, his weed habit prevents him from leaving house etc then the chances are he's just partying too hard rather than addicted to anything - What is it he's addicted to by the way?

I mean, would you give any credibility to a suggestion that someone who got much too drunk every time they went out when they were in their mid twenties and cracked open a bottle of beer on a free Sunday when a mate came round (NO CHILDREN REMEMBER) needed to join AA????

I've known a mate in particular who happens to be a very good teacher who partook of a weekend recreational drug most weekends and smoked weed etc, similar to your own partner actually. He managed not only to keep a good promoted post but helped out with many extra curricular kids stuff (oh he still does) and had a full and varied social life, i.e. in a band, read wide variety of books, kept up with current affairs, travelled extensively, dressed well (that's not to say his nice clothes didn't have a few bombers in them), owned property - and a girl he went out with who just didn't like drugs started phoning round his friends suggesting he had a drug problem!!!! Of course he bloody never, he just liked an e the same way lots of other likes a nice bottle of cabernet sauvignon. Needless to say they split up - he's now married with kids and him and his wife don't do drugs at all, they don't miss them either, they never needed therapy, counselling, or any other kind of help, they just grew up and had kids and lost time to do it all.

Greatpost tryingfortwo and very well articulated. Of course it's possible that he's got an addiction (to what I'm not sure) but in terms of what he's doing it doesn't sound that different to what I and probably about half the people I knew at uni were doing in our twenties. Sadly, now we've all grown up, had kids, got proper jobs and we're down to just the odd spliff once a month in summer with a nice glass of Pinot Noir. Guess everyone just grew out of it

(By the way, this doesn't make him less of a dick for what you said in your original post though, still bloody thoughtless)

oh those hazy halcyon days - ahhhh, yes I have a few lost memories of them too. Can't even handle a bottle of red wine hangover now forget anything more rock and roll.

Yes, quite agree, aside from the dope, e and coke thing - he does sound like a thoughtless a'hole, but can we really blame the drugs for that??!?!?

I totally understand why you're annoyed. I've been out with a fair few stoners/drinkers/druggies/general losers in my time! I was seeing someone a couple of years ago who did exactly what you've just described and didn't understand why I was annoyed. I just found it really odd that someone would want to get stoned first thing in the morning.

you need to stress to him that he has to this for himself.....not for you.I'm serious hun, if he is just giving up for your benefit then he will fall flat on his face.It's not as easy as waking up and deciding that you dont want to be a druggie anymore so you wont be one.He is addicted to class A drugs hun, as well as other substances he will not be the same man u think you know while he is going cold turkey

Annoyedabit - what exactly is your partner taking on a daily basis? How much dope? How much coke? How many e's etc?

We have no idea whether this guy is going to be in "cold turkey" He might just have a bit more energy than normal what with being clear headed and not staying up all night for whole weekends at a time.

Annoyedbytit: just to follow on from the previous post, it seems like everyone is saying he has an addiction. It is possible of course. A combination of several of the signs below may indicate it (pulled from a drug addiction advice site). Does he exhibit many of them?

(a) sudden changes in work attendance and quality of work;
(b) frequently borrowing money, selling possessions, or stealing items from employer, home, or friends;
(c) angry outbursts, mood swings, irritability, manic behavior, or overall attitude change;
(d) talking incoherently or making inappropriate remarks; deterioration of physical appearance and grooming;
(e) wearing sunglasses and/or long sleeve shirts frequently or at inappropriate times;
(f) no longer spending time with friends who don't use drugs and/or associating with known users;
(g) engaging in secretive or suspicious behaviors, such as making frequent trips to the bathroom, or other isolated areas where drug use would be undisturbed;
(h) talking about drugs all the time and pressuring others to use;
(i) expressing feelings of exhaustion, depression, and hopelessness"

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Hi all - I wouldn't say he is a coke addict or an e addict, I would say he is a weed addict as he has been smoking it for most of his adult life. He needs it to unwind and it's virtually his raison d'etre.
The other drugs are a big part of his life as he takes them wherever and whenever he can but only (afaik) when he is out at a club/event or round at friends houses.
He can't have a night out without factoring in some sort of class a and he can't have a night out or in, or a day, or a morning without weed. I don't think he smokes it at work though.
Quantities I'm not so good at measuring amounts as I'm not good at the terminology, I'll try though. Weed: he smokes the stuff with buds on, not the stuff in a block and he gets a bag that's about the same size as a cigarette packet every week. When he and his friends are smoking together, they all have about the same amount (proabably get it from the same dealer!). Coke: last week they had a session and 4/5 of them got through 2 grammes in 2 days, sharing out lines. (I wasn't there so I don't know exact details). E: I don't know how much as he is always a bit cagey about this, I usually see him take about 2 on a night out, could be more. On a big night, he'll do weed, coke, e and speed plus drinking. I don't know if these amounts are normal, so if anyone thinks I have nothing to worry about, please do say, I'm not up to speed (ahem) on recreational drugs. He gets really out of it though.
I do try to see it as just like having a glass of pinot noir but it's not really is it? When you buy your bottle of wine, you know what's in it - drugs are grown/made by someone else and may well have gun crime behind them.
When I wrote the op, I was upset that he ignored me totally to let his friend in and have a smoking session, behind that was months of feeling that I come second in his life, his drugs and his friends taking first place, the two are the same thing, I think. When he said he was giving it all up, my initial thought was that it was too strong a task to do as drugs are his WHOLE reason for everything, all his spare time revolves around them, smoking being his main one. To change your life so radically is a herculean task and I wonder if he can give them up when he is still surrounded by all his friends indulging. I keep wavering between thinking I can help him and between thinking he doesn't really want to do it, he just said it because he thought it would please me.
Tryingfor two - the main element of those poiters he fits into is appearance, he looks about 10 years older than he is. As long as I have known him (7 months) he has associated only with users and I have seen him incoherent many times. It hasn't come on suddenly, it's always been there. He does have mood swings and emotional outbursts, but this could be how he is anyway, I don't know. I personally think that most people in their 30s have given up this scene because they dabbled in their 20s and moved on. I'm worried because he's been partaking already for well over ten years and he's only in his 20s still and until the other day never mentioned any desire to stop. Good posts though, you write very well.
Fawkeoff - that's how I feel. I do want him to be the one who wants to give up, I don't really think he does though. When he was telling me, he made no eye contact whatsoever. I hate to sound as if I am doubting him, there's just so much uncertainty at the moment. Sorry this reply turned out long!

Hi

that sounds about right for the vast majority of friends etc during their twenties and 10 years of use isn't unfamiliar either. Its not that he can't have a night without class a's its just that he thinks it makes it a lot more fun, last longer and is less problematic than drink in general.

People I know who have had problems with weed are smoking a lot lot more than that and even my heavy partying friends were getting through more than that in a night in terms of other class a's.

That's not to say its doing him any good and if he's been doing it for 10 years and is now in his late twenties then his body and head are probably ready for the break and he will benefit no end from stopping.

But, the good thing is he has decided to stop on his own - without your ultimatum.

Maybe just sit back and see what happens with this, but certainly wouldn't have him carted off to the priory just yet.

Well I think you should tread carefully. Work out what you will do if he lapses and try and stick to it (easier said than done I know).
What if he takes it on the sly when you are not around? Will you see that as a betrayal?
I feel for you - I know what its like to love someone with a habit - I totally understand that feeling that they are like two different people.
Good luck, hope it all works out for you both.

It is interesting how those people who have been involved with the drugs scene themselves but come out of it OK and seen friends apparently do the same, and those who have chosen to stay with drinkers/drug takers have taken the line (if you'll excuse the pun that this is perfectly normal and okay, whereas those who have been involved in abusive relationships with users or had negantive experiences have generally thought that this is a bigger problem. I come at from a mixture of the two camps, having taken a few class As in my youth and smoked weed, only to give up due to paranoia. Several of my friends are real casualties, one has drug induced schizophrenia and will never ben well, though most are fine. My brother is a self confessed addict who probably uses drugs like the OP DP.

I have to say I hate drugs with a passion and there is a cheesy saying that is nonetheless true - you may leave drugs behind but they may never leave you.

Not trying to be judgey BTW, but thought it only fair to explain my position.

That's just the thing - he cannot have a night out without a class A of some sort!!. Why can't he function without a bloody class A drug, have you asked him that?. What is he so afraid of or unhappy about that he has to take these substances which is screwing both his body and mind up?. He is playing Russian roulette with his health particularly with regards to the cocaine. The mood swings and emotional outbursts are likely down to the long term usage rather than any personality traits he had before; the drugs have likely affected his personality.

Do you know exactly what triggered all this when he was 14?

I don;t think the Priory would do him any good anyway; he is not fully willing and able to go through this methinks. For one thing there is seemingly no professional support in place as yet. Also just as importantly he has not mentioned giving up his druggie friends; does he honestly think he can get clean and then return to them?. Without such measures in place its likely doomed. He will continue doubtless to see them and you will continue to be well down on his list of priorities because the drugs will always come first.

If you're not careful he will drag you further down with him. I honestly don't think you or him fully realise the enormity of his situation.

Annoyedbyit - what do you see in him?. Be brutally honest with your own self here - is he someone for you to try and rescue?. You may love him yes, but both your support andlove alone is not enough.