Getting my life back

[Witchesandwizards]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution?watched=1&msgid=98693727#98693727

The next chapter starting on a slightly more positive note. x

How can you turn people who are already against you, against you even further?

She has been lied to.
100% sure if this.

Years ago, maybe 5 years, we were here and they had a big falling out. She told me that she didn’t want the business, just the house. When I spoke to DH, he told me she can’t get her hands on the business anyway.

BIL might be a beneficiary within the trust of 50% but of course this means nothing right now. He only officially (ie. for divorce purposes etc) owns 10% of one if two businesses. And it’s the more dormant one, not the day to day one.

I know she thinks he has ‘official’ ownership of 50% but he doesn’t.
My lawyer confirmed this.

@Witchesandwizards

Do you think SIL would be a bit miffed if she found she had been lied to ?

If my partner lied to me about a huge financial matter I'd not marry him or divorce if we were married.

If lying about finances is a big deal to SIL this is going to be an awful secret to have to keep from her.

If I was in SIL shoes I would one million billion percent want to know the truth and if I doing out somebody was concealing the fact my partner had lied to me about money I'd be furious with them.

@Witchesandwizards

You husband out to be nicer to you if you are keeping a secret as potential destructive as this.

Interesting parallels with my partners situation. I know things that certain people are very desperate to conceal. I'm not planning on revealing them but I could cause a lot of damage if I did.

It would be the end of their marriage if she found out.

DH is getting desperate.
He’s back to blaming me for the drinking incident, the implication being, that telling SIL will harm her health further (than I have already done!!!!!!)

“Witches, you said you saw SIL in such a state she couldn’t pay for the booze.
You said that some how she managed to get a glass from the cupboard and open a bottle of wine.
You need to start telling the truth.
What state was she in?
You have seen the records on line. Obviously they are legitimate.
You are just stirring.”

Why are you having this level of dialogue with him - about some random alcoholic SIL and the financial details of their marriage - this really isn’t your business and it could look that you are attracted to the high octane drama in this toxic family.

You need to have minimal top line communication with your DH - focused solely on your DCs and your financial situation. How have you the emotional energy to be mired in your ILs shit? Don’t get drawn or triggered by this nonsense. Focus on positive proactive people and activities.

It’s could also be a trap to make you the scapegoat as it implodes - the shit will hit the fan and you have been cajoled to walk straight in front of it. Close down all non essential communication with him.

It’s relevant to me because for years the narrative has been “I am getting the same 50% as BIL”

To make it very clear, I do not want a penny (cent!) of their money, I want to go home. But I also need proof I have been co-erced and manipulated and this is it.

@Witchesandwizards

Wow he must be unbelievably desperate for her not to find out.

If I was in your position I'd find it so tempting to promise not to tell her in exchange for being allowed to go back to England.

I'm not saying I would do it though. But it would make me more and more resentful thinking that I could tell her.

The whole family are lying to SIL by omission. She's been lied to in order to keep her from leaving the marriage, like you were lied to get you to leave England. She is you in a way.

Your husband is forcing you to stay in the country and collude in a ginormous marriage ending lie which might mean you have to lie to SILs face if she ever gets suspicious. He really is a peach.

Then you need to keep your powder dry. Your SH lawyer can research the public companies data which shows the true % shares vs any record in writing that he has sent to you in the contrary. Are you building a case of financial coercive control and deception to present to a court of law? If so you need to play you cards close to you chest and let the experts utilise this negotiation tactic rather than fall into a trap of showing your hand to your DH in conflict.

I think you need to get him to admit via text what he has said to you to get you over here. That is smart thinking. Then you can tell him what you intend to do with the publicly available info later.

The international fees thing is based on parents being resident.
You have to be resident in the UK for three years prior to starting uni.

It's annoying because we are still tax payers from our BTL property but this doesn't count.

In his desperation to stop me contacting SIL, DH has, all but admitted the lies. He writes:

You have seen the records online. Obviously they are legitimate. You are just stirring. You can't help yourself

Even if he was also lied to (pretty sure this is true), the fact he is still complicit now he knows the truth, is unforgiveable.

This feels akin to finding out your husband has definitely cheated after suspecting him for a while. Only I have lost more - not only my husband but my life in the UK. And the truth is still a sucker punch. I feel very sad right now.

It's hard as well. Because it's about the business and money, I have to be very careful how I word it so I don't look like a gold digger. I think you guys get that I'm not. I just want me and the kids to be happy.

@Witchesandwizards

You mentioned SIL saw papers that said BIL had half I think ?

Do you think whatever SIL saw that said 50 percent was real ? Or do you think that it was a deliberate forgery?

If it was a forged document intended to mislead her that's a bit of a mean thing to do.

If that family are are lying to SIL about this what else do they lie about ?

I think that the most likely explanation is that BIL is, and DH will be, beneficiaries of 50% of the business within the trust.

This would explain the existence of paperwork and explain the confusion, deliberate or otherwise around the whole issue.

But in the event of a divorce that 50% is worth little.
I feel sorry for her - BIL has worked for the business for over 20 years so she would deserve a share, unlike me who pretty much separated as soon as DH started working there.

@Witchesandwizards

I don't think you are a gold digger. You don't think you are a gold digger.

As long as you are just motivated by being treated fairly by a judge and getting what is legally your due, what does it matter what they think? They aren't exactly paragons of virtue given the financial deceit and drink driving and not caring about the lives of other road users. That is actual criminal behaviour.

After all getting a fair financial settlement is for your kids as much as it is for you seeing as you sound like a good mum.

Given the lies the family have told MIL may see you as a gold digger no matter what you do. In that case there is no point going out of your way not to be seen as a gold digger.

All that matters is you get what you need to support your children in the best possible way.

Also if the kids are with them every other weekend is it completely 100% certain that nobody would ever drive with your kids in the car after having had a drink?

If you have even 1% doubt could you get it in writing or record DH promising that none of the drink driving will ever involve you kids.

I seem to remember there already has been an incedent with DC in the car after drinking. "oh but the restaurant is only a few minutes away"

@Mix56

If that's the case then it may well happen again.

If OP got written or recorded proof of him having done that maybe the divorce judge get him to promise as part of the settlement that he will try to remember not to drink with children in the car and that his family will not drink with children in the car.
I would have thought a judge could at least try to talk him out of it as it's a safeguarding issue.

He's actually calmed down on drinking when the kids are around.
As he said (without irony given they are 11 and 7) 'now I'm responsible for children, I'm being good'.

Yippee.

I woke up to a message from him this morning
"Remember you saying you don't want any part of the business. You don't want anything from my family, you don't care about money"

I'm not sure when he will get it through his thick head that I don't, I didn't. The only issue I have with the fucking business is that it was used as a carrot to manipulate me.

"Witches, you said you saw SIL in such a state she couldn’t pay for the booze.
You said that some how she managed to get a glass from the cupboard and open a bottle of wine.
You need to start telling the truth.
What state was she in?
You have seen the records on line. Obviously they are legitimate.
You are just stirring.”

Witches, I realize this may have already occurred to you but this reads to me like he is constructing a paper trail of his own, where you are positioned as trying to destroy the family. If you haven't already I would text back the truth of what happened that day so you have a record of your own.

Thanks @Seashore2018
I have done that. And mentioned it’s backed up on our Ring doorbell - me going to and fro, bringing her case in then my shopping in while she was in the house, giving her ample time to find a glass.
I also sent him a photo of the wine bottle she left (her brand) and the half full vodka bottle her brother removed from her bag and left in my bathroom.
DH’s reply “at least someone was looking after her eh?” about her brother.
As if, in the state I am in myself, I am responsible for taking care of her, when I know she has been an alcoholic for at least 3 years and no one else has succeeded.
I’m also the only one over the 6 week Christmas period not drinking around her until 4am every night.

I got her out of immediate physical danger and called the family.

You’re right though - he’s setting it up as ‘SIL is so very fragile, you have already done harm (???) and if you tell her what you know, the repercussions are your fault.’

You should thank him for acknowledging at last that YOU were looking after her. (Pretend you didn’t notice his dig at you.)

Good plan.
Just replied, 'I know, god knows what would have happened if I hadn't bumped into her.'

Just remembered, she carried on topping up and drinking when MIL was here. Why didn't she intervene?

Honestly - it sometimes feels like some sort of 'Sleeping with the Enemy-esque' psychological thriller with the entire family ganging up on me. By stone walling on all the issues I want to discuss he is making me very, very angry but I am keeping calm externally.

Last night at DS's football match, I was standing along the side line with my friends, DH was a few metres down, and BIL arrived half way through and stood directly behind me, nowhere near DH.
I said a quick hi and didn't look at him again, carrying on talking to my friend and playing with her baby, but he made me feel very uncomfortable.