Getting my life back

[Witchesandwizards]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution?watched=1&msgid=98693727#98693727

The next chapter starting on a slightly more positive note. x

The story of Jim Jones, the people's temple and the origin of the phrase ' drinking the kool aid ' is an upsetting but educational example of just how much danger there is in a person manipulating a group of people. How is followers, like the members of a family were so manipulated that they willingly destroyed their own lives in order to continue being accepted by the group.

I have to say the dead cat in the fridge 🤮 I feel really queasy now!!!

Have been reading the previous thread and this one over the past few days. Am at how you've been conned OP but I really hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. Count me as another person now rooting for you.

They need to get you out of the way and off to England to keep your mouth shut
I'd be playing on this big time (keeping calm though) - every time he says 'you need to stop stirring / leading SIL astray / nagging me' or whatever, reply with 'If you allowed me and the kids to return to the UK as we all want, I would be out of you and your family's way altogether'.

He's done another number on the mediator after seeing her again post my talk with her about MIL.

Apparently he's a broken man and spent the hour crying.
Why have I now seen any emotion like this from him in the last 10 months then? All I have experienced is anger and frustration towards me. He has been cold, defensive and gaslighting. My parents treated him like a son, yet he has never asked after them. He has accused me of being angry and miserable, not accepting depression, the menopause and fear as reasons for my behaviour.

He told her he feels awful for me about Covid and my parents and is desperate for me to go home and will pay. However, he refused to pay and when I checked if he could cover the kids in September he sent me this:

I don’t know why you are asking me.
They cancelled your August flight – why will September be any different?
If you want my opinion, I don’t agree

She also implied that I had been keeping the children from him because of the last weekend he was supposed to have them. Before we saw her originally (no agreement in place) I arranged a sleepover on the Saturday for DD to repay one she had been to. It was arranged before my flight was cancelled, and I wanted to get it out of the way before I went to the UK. I told DH it was on the weekend we had earmarked ourselves for him and he said 'fine, whatever makes DD happy'. Also before our mediation she then got invited to a party on the Sunday which I accepted without checking because of what DH had said about the sleepover and messaged him to let him know. I'm assuming he didn't kick up a fuss because at that point he still had them for the whole of August.

So it gets towards the end of the week before his weekend, and overhear him telling the kids he has bought them tickets to watch the rugby at 3pm on Sunday at Eden Park. I interrupt - remember DD has a party and DS has Flippa Ball (very cute 'baby' water polo)? No, he doesn't remember. I show him the party message and the kid's schedule that I sent him weeks ago.
Loses his shit for no reason because he has previously agreed and has all the info.
Asks DS which he would prefer - 'I don't want to let my friends down, I have to go to Flippa'.
Askes DD which she would prefer - 'friend will hate me if I pull out now, so party'.

Has a go at me - no sleepovers and play dates on my weekends, just sports. FFS. However, it does play into my hands as I can now provide time with their friends, whereas all he can do is paid activities and older cousins who are usually busy anyway. DD is at a sleepover now, and in the morning I'm picking up a few of DS' friends to have a kickabout at the park. DH doesn't have relationships with any of theses families (and they know the full story).

And now the mediator has a go at me. Kept making me promise not to obstruct his weekends. I had already explained to her what happened before he told her. She asked how things were going and I said 'things kind of fell at the first hurdle, but now we will be better prepared'.
I feel DH has been completely disingenuous.

So the upshot of the interim childcare agreement (worryingly mediator has said he will need more contact once it's formalised) is that I get them Monday to Friday every week, mornings rushing around doing lunches and uniforms, evenings with a sports activity every night, sometimes two (I had a clash last week with an early netball match clashing with football practice, asked him to help but he couldn't so I had to ask a friend) with him swanning in to watch matches but never the less interesting training. On my weekend, unfortunately I get the fortnightly Flippa training on a Saturday afternoon so he gets the more free weekend and gets to be 80s treat dad. I pack their bags to go to his and unpack and do washing.

In good news, DS hates all the beds at MILs and has asked me if I will pick him up at bedtime next Saturday and drop him off again in the morning, and last time DH who even fucked up a toastie (too much ham and horrible bread) so the are dreading the food.

Another thing I have over them. Pool safety rules are MASSIVE, but somehow MIL has managed to get her pool passed with a back door and sliding doors that leads straight into the pool - less than two metres and no fence. DH's grandfather famously fell in from the back step, fully clothed into the pool. The only thing I can think of, because there are no exceptions, is that she managed to persuade the inspectors that there are no kids living there.
It would be expensive, ugly and inconvenient if they had to put a fence up, say if the council found out that someone living there had custody of his kids....

Sorry, long and rambling - one of my insomnia posts. x

I'm so sorry to hear this @Witchesandwizards.

Can you show the mediator the message so she knows he is lying ?

Could you ever tell the mediator what you found out regarding lying to sister in law? Could you tell her about the tax thing ? It might help her to know that neither him nor his family are trustworthy.

It sounds like he is acting all poor me to get sympathy.

My future mother in law does this. I'm not remotely surprised.

@Witchesandwizards

I honestly believe that the only way you are going to get him to do or agree to anything he doesn't want to happen is if he thinks you will tell SIL and the tax people what you know.

Clearly he is a good manipulator and has turned on the pathos with this lady.

Although we are not speaking to fiancé's mother at the moment I one thousand percent believe that she would not do anything they didn't want to unless there would be immediate consequences. She is incapable of acting in other than self interest. This is the only thing some manipulative people understand.

To be honest I have given up on the mediator now.
I didn't realise (DH arranged it) that the service is just for the welfare of the children. Because she has been so interested in our relationship I thought her involvement was more, but I now think that this was just because both her and the child advocator, believed our relationship was salvageable, which in turn would help the children.

Another example - DH said to me 'mediator told me you had parked the lawyer'.
The reality: she told me to park that and not worry because Superman would get what I want. Definitely not park it with a thought of not needing him.

Jeepers this is tricky.

Off to the park with DS and his little buddies now

First time posting in your thread although I've been reading the whole way. I have only read your posts so, sorry if this has already been said.

I have had an uneasy feeling the whole way about your mediator. I am a mediator myself, and the thing about mediation is that the mediator is neutral. The mediator does not meddle and take sides but guides both parties to their own best solution. Your mediator seems too involved. I worry that her meddling is going to negatively impact on a good outcome for both you and your husband. Because that's what mediation does, you and your husband works out a solution you can both live with and mediator facilitates this. I would recommend you cut your losses with this one and find another mediator.

@Witchesandwizards

It might seem tricky but you are doing great !

Are you still planning to fight to be allowed to return to the UK?

Hope you have fun with your son at the park :)

Me too.... she’s shifty

I don't think your mediator is neutral either.

I said in my last post I thought (sic) the Mediator was not on your side.
I'm really sorry and sad to be proved right. Honestly, I really am 😢 I hoped I was wrong.
Find someone else, and stop talking to her!

So he reneged on saying "whatever keeps DD happy to the mediator, then turned on the waterworks that you were keeping his kids from him.... He has cottoned on re contact, he must have got himself a lawyer since the mediator said you had a Bulldog. & is now fishing to see if you have still got your lawyer. Please do not feed him any further info.

it is very annoying that you get all the grunt work, he gets a "free" EOW.
But given the option, the DC preferred doing their own thing than going to him.
You need to send him an email, (for the paper trail) telling him he had OK'd the sleepover as shown by texts, , he lied to the mediator about it, & got angry at YOU he hadn't remembered, so apparently "what makes DD happy", is a platitude, it what's makes him happy one more time.

I would email the mediator, & tell her you are not happy with her as a professional, she is not neutral, she has not picked up on his manipulation & crying,(that he has never done in 10 months with you) and as she should know it is never advisable to go to mediation with a manipulative, abusive, lying piece of shit like your H. & she has been duped. therefore you are done.

Delurking to say that I think all communication should be via text etc so that from this point everything is recorded. You can just say that you need that for clarity.
Personally, I would detach from him as much as possible. Communication just about the kids and don't get involved with any other discussion. Use as few words as possible while remaining polite. This also applies to any communication from his family. It avoids giving him/them any ammunition.
It also leaves you with more headspace and emotional energy to direct towards yourself and your children.
Mediator sounds awful.
Start salting away cash.

Agree with FaceOfaSpink 100% - although I understand that your pure rage at the dreadful situation he has put you in is triggered constantly to conflict and fight.

However it’s important to control and process these emotional triggers because any rage or conflict behaviours will NOT get you what you need and want and will backfire on you.

It is fine to feel rage, hurt and anger with the situation and with the ongoing interactions - but choosing to process it elsewhere (therapist, journaling, exercise,) and not reacting to him and engaging in conflict in the moment will serve you well.

I would go further and recommend to use email communication only and only re: children (with text messages reserved for the last minute/urgent updates). Every text message from him that's not urgent gets an email in response from you. Otherwise he's is more difficult to keep track of date/time of the text messages and you'll have to screenshot them all the time. Also it's easier to remain neutral in an email, imho.

Ditch the mediator and find a new one. She will continue to meddle otherwise.

See your lawyer again ASAP, give him the full facts of tax/credit card irregularities + family lying to SIL, and the other issues of being lied to, loss of your income in the UK, now loss kf career prospects if you do 100% of working day childcare. If possible, i would get the lawyer to lay it out to your DH that his best option is to let you and the kids leave. Lawyers have this knack for delivering chilling talks very calmly! You need to seize your moment when his bravado withers!

Stealth and strategy (with the SHL - give him a clear target and let him do his job) and detachment and indifference (emotionally steal yourself and do all of the calming, resilience building, yoga etc that your GP recommended) .... these are your secret weapons. Have tactics to interrupt reacting to him, notice and sense the urge and the rage rising - intercept and stop it.....only ever respond with v vague, vanilla, breezy customer service type texts and only if necessary. I feel that you are in danger of not seeing the wood for the trees and getting drawn into conflict that drains your finite energy.

Forgot to add - I wouldn't mention pool access/ fencing issues. There are exceptions re: patio doors as pool fence. If she meets those, however tangibly, it would still be signed off. It's irrelevant if the children live on the property or not - it doesn't alter the pool safety rules' application re: fencing, etc.

Also if you need to request that he pitches in to accommodate clashes in the kids' schedules, do so via an app like Messenger where if he deletes messages they won't vanish from your records.
It's very painful to accept this but it's better if you do - he's not on your team any more. He's not going to put the interests of you or even your DCs first. The evidence is showing you this very clearly. Deal with it by being very calm, refusing to be drawn into his dramas and staying away from any attempts to understand or 'analyse' him. He's a salesman. He's shown who he is and what he wants. You're no longer compatible but the heart takes a while to catch up with this sometimes.

I also think that you are looking the wrong way - you are looking back into their dysfunctional family mire and trying to find comfort in your anger and blame. That is not where resolution lies - in this negative, toxic pit. Turn your back physically and emotionally and look to a healthy future with healthy people. Put this lot in the rear view mirror. Leave the lawyer to do his job. Maybe you need a therapist to help you eradicate the negative intrusive thoughts of his family to stop them consuming you - and to find strategies to switch and fill this headspace instead with positive, emotionally healthy thoughts and feelings.

@anticon

I think your suggestion about the layer doing a chilling talk is excellent.

@Witchesandwizards

You are a real mama lioness fighting for her cubs from the sounds of things :)

I believe your lawyer can help you get home to England especially with the tactics anticon mention and I believe in five years this will all seem like a bad dream because your life will be fab.

I believe it because you sound like the sort of strong intelligent woman that can make it happen. I hope you believe it too !

Oh hello!! I was on your 1st thread a bit, just found this one.

Honestly, I don't know if I'd continue with the mediator if you don't have to. It doesn't sound as if she is very neutral or is doing much good. It also sounds to me (apologies if I'm wrong) that your STBX is still managing to 'push your buttons' during mediation sessions so the mediator isn't getting a real picture of 'who you are'. It's a common tactic, he comes off all sad and/or reasonable whilst he very surreptitiously pushes your buttons to be angry/resentful. Then he gives big puppy dog eyes to the mediator as if to say "See what I'm having to deal with?".

I'd say to be sure your SHL has all the available info and then be guided by him. If mediation is a must, find a new one.

Could BIL be manipulating DD, when he wandered off with her? His behaviour was somewhat threatening, I feel.

I'm a mediator too - and I echo what others have been saying about your mediator failing to stay neutral. She is also crossing a line when she tells your H what you have said - whatever is said by either of you should be in confidence, and should not be shared with the other person unless you have specifically given permission for it to be shared.

Oh sorry you’ve had that happen with the mediator. You must be gutted.