Getting my life back

[Witchesandwizards]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution?watched=1&msgid=98693727#98693727

The next chapter starting on a slightly more positive note. x

I've never seen the dead cat my partner has just told me about it.

I just hope it has a draw to itself and is not shoved in next to the frozen peas.

It's amazing what people from dysfunctional families can convince themselves is normal.

And his mum refuses to ever own or use a washing machine and refuses all offers to buy one. Nobody knows why; it's one of the worlds great mysteries. She has always insisted on washing things in the bath.

If I ever achieve my dream of getting novels published I'd like to use the expression 'A cat in the freezer situation' as a euphemism for a totally nuts family or group of people who think amongst themselves that everything is normal.

But if anyone here wants to use the expression to describe OPs or any other similar situation be me guest lol.

Holy crap @Thehouseofmarvels.
But I can see that happening with the dog. MIL has already told us she loves him more than FIL and it has a VERY expensive titanium hip. Most people would decide that a dog, 10+ years old does not warrant thousands of dollars of treatment (apologies if this causes offence though). And she has just bought a new, giant freezer

ILs have a whole language based around drinking.
'I think we need to have it's brother' means 'we need to open/order another bottle of the same'. Usually said at a restaurant when everyone is driving...
'I'm just going to have a 'roada'' means 'I'm almost ready to go to bed, but even though we have been drinking all afternoon, we need a large glass of red for the road'.

Gaslighting straight from the manual:

Just remembered that during our initial mediation I said that I had suggested marriage counselling early on but DH told me it wasn't worth it.
"No", he said (practically winking at the mediator) "what I said is that you need to sort yourself out before we can work on our marriage".

He did say this, but in a much later conversation about counselling.

Interestingly, following my 'together' meeting with her, she hasn't followed up on what she felt was an urgent need to see her counsellor/mentor. I just lost it that first time, partly because the kid's statements were so heart-breaking and partly because I haven't really cried since starting the meds three months ago.

I feel my behaviour, reactions and feelings are a natural reaction to what I am going through. As she said, I have lost my identity and independence.

@Witchesandwizards

Well if you spent thousands on something would you put it in a hole in the ground later on ? You never know that might be exactly what the freezer is for ! Having a golden child and a scapegoat is a recognised feature of families with a toxic mother.. perhaps having a pet that is loved so much it must be preserved for posterity is too ! An exciting development of your husbands family you might have to look forward to..

And I hope that FIL husband is ok with being loved less than a dog.

Interestingly they don't have a scapegoat. If I had to call it, I would say that DH is the favourite, but the others are still equally doted on as grown men in their 40s.

Poor FIL doesn't know as he has a severe dementia type illness.
MIL has told him she would put him down before she out the dog down and told us she was going to take him out to sea and throw him overboard. Only half jokingly as a few days later she broke down and told DH she wasn't put on this earth to look after him...

While part of me understands, as my mum has frustrations being my dad's carer, MIL is in much better health herself than DM is and she obviously has all her boys within arms reach, as well as a healthy social life.

After the dog dies, I'll tell the kids to avoid ice-cream when They are there...

I dropped DD off in tears again this morning.
I'm trying to keep her in school as it makes it much harder to go back the longer she has off, but I feel terrible. We have parent's evening tonight so I will be able to find out how she is doing during the day.

Spotted this this morning, thought it might be of interest www.nzherald.co.nz/personal-finance/news/article.cfm?c_id=12&objectid=12351255

They have two scapegoats:- you and SIL. If you bugger off and leave kids unattended, your DD will cop it.

Well @Witchesandwizards I'm sure you have heard the expression ' hair of the dog'. If freezing pets really is a toxic mother in law thing maybe one day in the future the family will be able to cure their hang overs in a literal way.. if they get food out of the freezer the morning after a session...

I'm sorry that your daughter is still struggling. I think that if the kids see him every fortnight that's about 25 sets of 24 hours? They would see him more hours a year if he let them live in England and they went over most school holidays. It seems to utterly cruel to make them see him for fewer days in a country they aren't getting on well in.

Since a 16 year old can legally leave home could they go back at 16? Or can they be forced to stay until their 18th birthday?

Also I looked at the laws on de facto relationships in New Zealand. As your kiwi friends have probably explained if you live with a lover the law considers them a ' defacto ' spouse after not long. After three years everything is split halves. For living together relationships of less than three years what was acquired during living together is split equally. I assume this could include money that has been inherited. I have seen a case where the couple did not live together but were considered defacto. The woman died and the boyfriend she did not live with was awarded her estate, despite her having left it to her brother.

Someone way up thread mentioned that New Zealander's all know about family trusts.. I imagine this is why.

I hope you succeed in getting you kids added by the trust. I imagine that if your husband was living with a woman and MIL died.. Anything he got seems like it could probably be seen as joint assets unless he was just in quite a casual relationship.

I could be wrong though, that's just from reading what I see online.

@LifeAfterBreastCancer Thank you. I did see that and I think the main benefit will be that DH will have access to the Trust reports so if we go to court they will be able to demand that he reveals what he is beneficiary to. This may help in a claim for maintenance if, for example, I can prove that he will have 'x' share in the business and say, the other commercial property, while BIL has 'x' share in the business and, say, the parent's house with BIL having the beach house.

I don't know why I didn't do this before, but I have checked the companies register and found out once and for all what the state of play is. They have two companies, company 1 looks like a holding company or maybe import company for the goods supplied by the medical company, company 2. The trust owns 880 shares, BIL owns 100 (10%), and ILs own 20 shares in the company 1. Company 2 is owned 90% by the trust and 10% by the ILs. Lying mother-fuckers. SIL has claimed on several occasions that she has seen paperwork confirming BIL owns 50% of the holding company... I really could blow this thing apart.

I have been trying to work out what I would say if I ever did have that mediation with MIL without looking like a gold digger (I'm not) and I think it boils down to this:

The misinformation I was fed is significant, not because I want the family money, but because if I had been told the truth, I would still be at home. DH may still have come, but I would not have given up my life in London for such uncertainty. I'm just not a risk taker

@justilou1 I actually think they will do a number on DD if I travel. MIL always tries ever so, ever so hard to woo my kids. I'll come back to a house full of tat from the mall.

They might all agree with the trust arrangements though as it protects them all from each other - the company continues to run - the cash still keeps coming through but no one can gain power to sell off their share or get out which might pull the rug from the state of the company - or be obligate to do so in death or divorce.

Maybe the 50/50 is just share of the profits rather than the company as an asset.

What do you think your DH and BILs long term plan is - have they ear marked your kids to take over?

Time to work VERY hard on your kids about what is really important to them then.... things or people and their actual quality of life! Get them to connect as much as possible with friends in UK via FaceTime, etc. (Remind then what they are missing - I know it may seem a bit cruel but it keeps connections open and actually holds validity in court.) I don’t want to say too much, but I have some experience from the other direction in a much more legally powerful country. (Think of the country where all of these laws are enforced.)

BTW, I think you are right not to go without the kids.

@Sssloou That's exactly what I think. They all agree together what goes on behind the scenes regardless of the official ownership.

The long term plan is to build the business up and sell it.

@justilou1I think that this is one of the reasons DD is wobbling now. We were supposed to be in the UK and she would have joined her year 6 graduation as a guest. She's been in touch with them and is desperate for one of their Leaver's hoodies so I am going to email the head and see if they have any spare that they could set aside.

It must be so sad to see your daughter crying. I just can’t believe your DH could be so selfish. To put his family though all this and just dismiss their feelings about missing London.

Has he seen this distress? What if You & DD & DS sit together & say we want to go HOME....
Will he just say you have put them up to it...?

@Mix56

Or if they sat with him and at the very least negotiated that the kids did not have to stay until they had both passed their 18th birthdays if they continued being desperately miserable for years., maybe he could allow 17

@Mix56 Yes, he would still blame me.

The problem with waiting longer is my work opportunities. Although I will get family assets here and will also get inheritance so could have income from property for example.

I sent him the (publicly available) company annual reports and said that SIL claims to have seen docs where BIL owns 50% but these show a discrepancy and he only seems to have 10% of one company. I'll check what she has seen.
He immediately replied:
'Don't do that Witches, you will only turn more people against you'

This confirming the whole thing is a crock of shit without having to involve SIL.

I knew, but now I KNOW.

@Witchesandwizards

At what age do you think your husband would believe the kids themselves wanted to go home rather than saying you put them up to asking? Just as if he let them go back at 15 or 16 maybe they'd still have a chance of not having to pay international fees?

Can the kids get him to agree that if they want to go to uni in the UK and the only reason that they have to pay international fees is because he would not let them leave until they had passed 18 then he pays.

You said @Witchesandwizards that your parents might be able to help but I think he should. He needs to confirm to the kids if they will not be permitted to leave until no matter what they might want, even if they keep wanting to leave though out their teens and wanting to go to uni in the UK. No matter how much they cry now or at 17.

I think he needs to be honest to them if what would make them happy as teens does not matter to him.

Do you think SIL is a liar or has she been lied to ?

I wonder if you would still be charged for child abduction if you left a country with a child who turned 18 the following week without asking the other parent? I suppose they would legally a child and the parent who took them would still go to jail?