Getting my life back

[Witchesandwizards]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution?watched=1&msgid=98693727#98693727

The next chapter starting on a slightly more positive note. x

Glad you have returned OP x

Glad you have returned OP x

Who else would I talk to in the middle of the night? ;-) x

Just checking in to offer my support Op.

Checking in so I don't lose you...

I'm checking in as well...I've lurked since the beginning. So glad you are keeping going and you are building up a team of allies.

I am completely in awe of you and the way you have managed/ are managing an extremely difficult situation. As an expat who spent 10 years trying to get home my heart us with you.

Hi @Witches... I’m here too. X

Checking in, stay strong @Witchesandwizards

I think that you should take strength from the immense ground that you have covered - it’s impressive.

You have all of the professionals
briefed and in full swing now - so maybe let them get on and deliver their expertise and take a breather for a bit as this could be a bit of a plateau for sometime. It seems that the finances and access are almost agreed etc.?

So maybe put down the weapons / tools. Regroup. Turn your back on him and his toxic family and look to engage with more radiant people, experiences and thoughts.

Check back in with your physical and mental health - and get yourself restored. You might hit a wall now that you are at this point.

Try to focus on the attuned emotional well being of your DCs - they have been and are going through an awful lot and the fall out might come further down the line - so get all that proactive emotional money in the bank with them. Lots of quiet, emotionally nurturing, consolidation times with them. Build in some down time, fun, joy, social - seeking out opportunities to create new routines and a broader more international and interesting outlook and community - beyond that torturous, tedious, sports schedule. Develop your own specific family values - based on your own British/European/International culture - rather than letting them get too absorbed into a NZ mono culture. I’d be inspiring them to keep an open international mindset and seeding the idea that they can go to uni in the UK etc.

Read your updates in detail OP - what a rollercoaster! Curious to read about concern re: relocation within Auckland still needing permission from not-so-DH. Even with once fortnight contact. Madness.

It’s all coming together nicely OP, keep going!

You got this @Witchesandwizards.

I’ve just read your rollercoaster ride in some detail - has taken me nearly 24 hours.

I have to say, I think I’d have reacted in exactly the same way you have. Now, I’d be making plans to fly the kids home to the UK without word to him. What, realistically, can/will he do? He’s proved time and time again that his family are more important than his kids.

Just also wondering how your parents are? Any idea when you’ll come back to visit them. Poor things.

Sending you love xxxx

@PicklePig31 errr OP could be forced to repatriate the DC to NZ and be imprisoned...

I agree this will implode. What if the company goes bust ? What if MIL gets health problems? Why would the brother that has stayed home & worked with his parents all along, so freely give half/third of his hard earned profit & loyalty to the company to either of his brothers?
Meanwhile, let H drink himself stupid, maybe he will screw up in some way, & it will not be good for the staying in NZ lobby.
Ignoring his daughter's distress is another thing that will eventually alienate him.
Is there an age where the DC can decide not to spend time with him? (12 yo in the UK I believe) when they can say they want to go to the UK for their education, would a judge listen?
Do the DC know how desperate you are to get back home ?
Definitely plant the seed of Uni in the UK,.
KOKO witches

Hi everyone and @Thehouseofmarvels if you haven't found this

And thank you everyone for your support - I feel very lucky and I can't believe I'm on thread number two and people are still following.

I think I mentioned it a while back, but in case anyone missed it, 'Superman' came directly from a mumsnet member

@Sssloou Yes, I agree. He's not going to listen to me anyway so it's most definitely out of my hands. It's so weird. When I see him at the kid's sports and stuff and we talk normally, I can see the old DH. And now I can allow myself to think of home more, I am remembering the good times and think that there is some feeling there. But his behaviour has been outrageous and his denials... that I'm not sure, even if he agreed to all move back tomorrow, I could ever relax with him or see him in the same way again.

He's in complete denial that DC are genuinely homesick despite both of them clearly telling a trained child mediator and family lawyer that they preferred England. And it's my fault. Obviously.

This is his reaction to me telling him about DD sobbing all night on Sunday and having to collect her from school crying on Monday:

DN also had a tough last year of primary school. Next year will be different. The poor kids feel terrible for you. Of course they are going to say England. Yes they miss London. But you are not helping and you are supposed to be the adult.

He's negating their feelings like he has mine, and he risks alienating them. DD has already told me that 'Daddy doesn't understand'.

DS was crying this morning because he misses Weetabix! The ones here are not the same...

@Vodkacranberryplease pretty much true except that he doesn't even have the 20%. Apparently it wasn't going to be an immediate thing. Not that he told me or our friends that all the times he boasted about how good life was going to be. Verbatim: 'Mum wants to retire so I'm going to join DB running the business, and we are going to share it 50:50. I don't need to put anything in because DB is so happy that I am joining.' LA BIL isn't due to have a share of the business as far as I know (but WTF do I know?!)
He claims to have calmed down on the drinking because hearing the birthday night recordings shocked him. But who knows...?

I've just remembered something quite interesting from the original mediation - he told her that his older brother has apologised to him and feels he is partly to blame for all this mess, but DH told him not to be silly. No doubt he told him it's my fault, but obviously he wouldn't have said this to the mediator as he was on top arse-licking form.
I'll take that though. At least one member of the family has acknowledged their part in it - it's a start.

Sorry, this is a random jumble of updates plonked into a post!

@PicklePig31 Thankyou for your kind words and perseverance!
@RandomMess is right - it would be a very expensive legal mess and at the moment there are big problems with flight anyway. Quarantine seems to be full so they are capping entry and there are no more flights over the Tasman until the end of August at the earliest and most of the flights from here were going via Australia. It's just not commercially viable to run flights right now.

I really am stuck.
I've just spoken to my parents, they are in good spirits. We won't really talk about the flights at the moment but I'm looking at September...

@Mix56
The DC know I want to and openly told each other after mediation that they want to go.
I have a plan re uni. If I have to stay here, the kids will have to pay international fees in the UK. My dad has set up Child Trust Funds towards uni. Once this is out in the open, I'm going to ask him to take some of my inheritance (presumptive I know, but I am executor and my dad has discussed in detail) and set it aside for the kids if they study in the UK. Worded in such a way that recognises they have lost subsidised UK education, rather than such a blackmaily way... What's set aside now will cover here, but they will need more for there.
I feel this would be suitable revenge for the business bribery and if I was an 18 year old I would jump at the chance!

That boasting to friends thing....he sounds such a smug, conceited knob....makes my toes curl - I bet there were eye rolls from your friends. Is he the golden boy in this family dynamic? Sounds like quite a few of the classic narc traits from his DM have rubbed off (entitled, arrogant, deluded).

A big red flag was your DM rocking up to your UK wedding with the “contract” - that’s v controlling and territorial.

Yes he will weaponise ever word that comes out of your mouth to punish you even if this is at the expense of the long term MH of his DCs. Look at his actions to date - abandoning them for 2 weeks, allowing his family to fall apart to hang on to ill deluded / fragile / fake ego narrative, now moved out and only choosing to see them one night a fortnight?

So don’t hand him the words to weaponise and blame you - you have seen the pattern. However if you feel the need to keep him up to date - stick it on email and then his weaponised responses will be their for anyone to see.

@Witchesandwizards

I'm loving the mention of this thread being on a more positive note.. good stuff !

That boasting to friends thing....he sounds such a smug, conceited knob To be fair, it was more justifying the move. No one wanted us to go so he had to big it up. And I also used the script I'd been fed, although with much less lustre.
I am pretty sure he was deceived to some extent as well, as he definitely didn't know the true value of the company or that BIL only had 20%. But if this is the case, he's an idiot. Who moves their family across the world without confirming facts? I wouldn't be surprised if no formal conversations had taken place, just drunken Friday night talks.

Meanwhile, I'm seriously looking into that criminology degree.
I have a MA in Public Administration and whilst it's obviously from a few decades ago, criminology could be a logical step.
I also quite fancy being on Border Patrol so I could get into immigration. Once borders open in about 2030 of course!

All this has made me think how destructive denial is.

My partner has terrible family problems, he's not in denial so we manage. Although his family are so off the wall he could never kid himself they are normal. His mum and brother have a dead cat in the freezer for starters.

With your guy it's almost like it's the denial and fear of facing the reality of the situation that's the main problem.

So sad he had to loose so much just to avoid reality.

Cat. In. Freezer.... Good God

You've made huge progress across your last thread, Witches. You sound so much stronger and clearer- well done!

I have followed DH around because of work. I know what it's like to have to find friends where you can, and feel totally rootless. We lived in Sing and Australia for a while- Singapore was really friendly to transient people, everyone was in the same boat. Established communities are far harder to break into.

Dead cat in freezer would make 'freezer surprise' night interesting

Cat in in freezer would certainly give me “paws for thaw-t !”