Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I am having this exact problem with my iron @LivingMyBestLife2020. He's great in so many ways, but he's impossible to read. We've been dating for a couple of months now so surely he must like me at least a little bit, but you wouldn't know that from how he messages me.

I have come to the realisation that he is never going to be one to shower me with compliments. Like @Notcoolmum said, some people will be fine with this but I know I need more. I need to feel wanted, I need to feel attractive, I need to know if he's missing me and if he wants to see me again. I'm getting none of this and I don't think he will ever give me this. It's become obvious that this just isn't the way he approaches relationships.

Like you, I came out of a relationship like this previously and the last thing I want is to jump back in with someone else who gives me the same 'meh' attention.

The problem is I think my iron is great in so many ways. I make it very clear how attractive I think he is, always give him compliments, and tell him how I feel. Not in a forced way but in a "I really like you and I really like spending time with you and I want you to know how great I think you are." It's not forced and I'm not saying it to get him to return the sentiment, it's just how I am I'm very open with my feelings and I'm not afraid to put them out there.

I know for me that I'm going to have to have a long hard think about whether I'm ultimately going to be happy with this level of attention or whether I need someone who makes me feel special and desired and wanted. I think I know the answer...

@Backonthehorse1 your situation sounds identical to mine. Let me know if you ever want to chat about it off here.

@HairyArsedMan yes he is aware. We’ve talked about it a couple of time’s already. He knows I’m after long term, as is he. He knows he doesn’t give anything away and he knows it doesn’t always work for me. In person he is great but only seeing him once, sometimes twice a week it just isn’t enough in person time to counteract the lulls in between if that makes sense?

Cor this thread moves so quickly.

Some great advice from @Bunkbedpeople and also I really like the insight from @RamblingRose1 that it takes a while to get to know someone. I wish wish wish I was more like this and not diving in from date #1 or #2. Then surprised 4-6 months later when I realise I don't like them very much! What is wrong with me?

I had a nice phone chat with Mr Jazz it lasted 2.5 hours with a plan to meet next week but if I'm honest with myself I'll be surprised if I fancy him.

I'm still unfeasibly disappointed and sad about the disappearance of Mr Polymath. No word from him since the one text on Saturday. I know we're meant to tell ourselves that we've dodged a bullet when we see their true personality so early on but weirdly for this one I'm struggling. It's so odd. It's like a break up but we only had one sodding date ffs. We just got on so well and the attraction was there etc etc. Can't imagine why he'd ghost me.

I did promise myself I'd take a sabbatical from the apps but for some reason haven't and kept swiping but not even one worthy of a right swipe.

Q: Any advice on best post first date text to say thanks but not thanks to someone I don't want to see again? I hate hurting people's feelings.

@Ruralbliss
Q: Any advice on best post first date text to say thanks but not thanks to someone I don't want to see again? I hate hurting people's feelings.

I just said I enjoyed the date but didn’t feel the chemistry wished them the best ...felt like an easier letdown and meant I didn’t ghost them which I really didn’t want to do

@LivingMyBestLife2020 and @Backonthehorse1 this seems to be a pretty consistent theme with some men, a difficulty in articulating their feelings. I was talking to a male friend last night because Mr V is also not the greatest at making me feel ' special '. My friend said he finds saying the right words difficult and hates sounding like he's fawning over someone. This guy is a writer by profession so has no inherent lack of vocabulary just a bit of a block when trying to articulate in the right way with women. And whilst I am not totally up to speed on all the modern dating phrases but what constitutes love bombing? Telling someone they're amazing, special, never met anyone like you before etc ? I am not sure I would trust someone saying those kind of things to me too quickly.
But I do get it, there is and should be a middle ground where enough is said to make you feel wanted and important to them. If you feel you can, have a chat with them about it. I think we all want relationships to just naturally evolve and commitment deepen but communication is key. I am very much in a wait and see place myself with Mr V. I am not in any rush to fast forward things with him and the good bits definitely outweigh my concerns at the moment. Right at the moment I don't feel the need for it to be all or nothing.

@Ruralbliss, I am prepared to be proved wrong here ( and I often am ) but I think Mr P will resurface. I have met guys like him before and as soon as something comes up that requires their attention they are diverted onto that 100%. If the situation with his DC was sufficiently serious that he felt the need to go for them etc then clearly that is his current priority. It may well have made him question if dating is even a possibility at the moment if things are so unsettled. But this is mere speculation on my part. And if he's been unable to send even just one text since Saturday then my giving him the benefit of the doubt seems rather too generous.
Your 'sadness' comes from seeing the potential in something with him and a frustration that it barely had chance to get going.

I agree @Onesmallstep67 there is a middle ground. Saying you look nice when they meet you. Wanting to arrange the next date. Saying in between dates they are looking forward to seeing you. Remembering things you have told them and asking you how they are going. That's not love bombing. Which is definitely something to watch out for.

I do think dating is difficult because after about date 3 we tend to have slept with them and for a lot of us that means no longer chatting to or dating others. So there is then that pressure to move from dating to a relationship or feel that we might be missing out on something with someone else. When really we don't know the person we are seeing very well. Which is where the texting in between comes in I think. In a way it might not be so important in an established relationship.

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 that's kind of my hunch too but we'll see.

Ever the optimist.

(He was always a one text per day kind of guy apart from the day we matched where we exchanged messages into the small hours marvelling at the coincidences in the places we'd lived and had in common.)

But on the other hand it is a big thing for me that a guy is prompt and responsive on texts. Not sure why. Actually not just blokes - girlfriends too. I've got a best friend who never responds or takes days or weeks but another who I share an all-day every day chat session with her.

I'll keep swiping and dating as The Rules day it's all BS until it isn't!

@HairyArsedMan a man's opinion would be very welcome. I have given up on pof as it just seems like a ghost town compared with the other apps. I'm happy to take a look at yours if you'd like me to and offer any help I can

@LivingMyBestLife2020 Definitely. I'll send you a PM

@Onesmallstep67 and @Notcoolmum I completely agree on the middle ground between not love bombing yet still showing that they're keen. I'm not expecting or wanting him to start declaring his undying love for me, however, I don't think my iron has ever said that I look nice when I've met him. He's commented on the outfit/shoes I've been wearing, but more in a "that's sexy" rather than "you look gorgeous".

He's never said that he misses me even when we've not seen each other for a couple of weeks. After we've arranged a date he often does say that he's looking forward to it but again that seems to be in the context of looking forward to sex rather than my company.

I could be completely wrong and he could be like the friend of onesmall and he's just holding himself back as he doesn't know how to articulate his feelings or he's wary about it coming across as love bombing. I think we need to have a conversation about where things are going and where it sees things heading. We've never discussed exclusivity although after two months and lots of sex I'm taking that as read?! I'm pretty sure he's looking for something long-term but this could be the perfect opportunity to ask him about that and also mention the closed book thing at the same time.

It's interesting to read the posts about not feeling special enough in a new relationship, as that's a bit how I feel with Mr B after 2.5 months. But I also think it's more about my own insecurities being triggered than anything he's doing or not doing. He does say he misses me, he's very responsive and reliable with messaging, he compliments me occasionally, and we're definitely exclusive. But I'm often left wanting a bit more and I'm trying to work out if that's him, or me. Possibly a bit of both! I think a few of us have come out of fairly loveless marriages and so the pressure on the next relationship to mend those wounds and provide what was missing before, is possibly a little too much. It's certainly something I'm keeping an eye on. But it's bloody hard.

I also think for some people, perhaps most often men, if they feel secure then they think a lot of this goes without saying. They don't see the need for gushing as, as far as they're concerned, it's all going well. I know this is how Mr B feels as that's what he says when it comes up. I've said, if you think it goes without saying, say it anyway!

And - my final thought on this! - I doubt I'm alone in thinking I'll test them (my partner/iron). For example, Mr B hasn't messaged yet today and I'm not wanting to be the first so I'm waiting for him to, as some sort of sign of his feelings. But if he doesn't know I'm seeing it as that, it's a bit unfair surely? He might just be busy... I'm not sure what the answer is though. Probably to just live your life how you want and not give one person the power to make you feel shit/unlovable!

My two Penneth

Mr R never notices anything I wear. Ever. He also never says anything about my tits or ass either (thankfully). I asked him once when I was talking about a dress I once wore which he couldn’t remember and he said he never notices things like that as he’s looking at my face or concentrating on what I am saying. He will always say thank you for spending time with him so yes I can conclude some men just don’t notice. I notice all of what he is wearing and also how he smells. But he’s looking at my face. We are just all different!

I got really bored of my longest OLD romance (9 months) not showing any enthusiasm when I turned up at the door having driven for an hour to see him. It drove me mad. Not even a 'Hey you're here !' Just opened the door and turned around and walked into house.
In the end I decided he wasn't for me for loads of little reasons - this being one of them.

I just sent Mr Polymath a mini text and a funny little gif asking how he and his kids were doing now. If I get no response then I can put that to bed and move on. Can't be arsed with playing games or being ghosted

That is weird @Ruralbliss when Mr B arrives he gets a hello, a smile and a kiss.

I wouldn't necessarily expect an iron to pay great attention to my clothes. But I do like to feel they find me attractive. Mr B often tells me I'm pretty or that I look nice/beautiful/hot. He texts me every day. Usually initiates the daily texts although he has said it would be nice if sometimes I do. Is always clear he wants to see me again. These things all matter to me.

I think you would all be proud of me. Potential iron from last night who was going to see where was closer to him texted to say apparently all trains were unavailable and he would pay for fuel for me to drive and see him (70miles away so 140 round trip)
Fine it was nice of him to offer but I didn't realize the distance was so far and trains are available, he just seems to be using Covid as an excuse not to travel. Sent him a nice distance will probably be too much, hope you find what you are looking for text and blocked.

I don't know if im just having one of those days but everyone in the apps seems boring. They either aren't talking or it's just mundane how are you, what are you doing etc going round in a circle.
Since changing my profile I seem to be attracting less fuck boys and more serious men but I don't like the looks of them. Just something about their profiles and pictures doesn't do it for me. I know it only takes one though so I'm not giving up. More just venting my frustrations today.

Well done @Dancerinthemoonlight

And of course the wanting you to be near his home, so if you had a drink you’d have to stay at his....actually why bother finding a bar when you could just come straight to his....

and it’s not like they even make the effort to cook or host politely..”ill cook you dinner” swiftly turns to “I haven’t got any food in what do you want to do?”

it’s just so obvious isn’t it?

Yes @Dancerinthemoonlight you go girl!
'Trains unavailable...' hmmmm really.
Liking your style.

Felt a it depressed that the offerings on the apps today we're so crappy but then remembered I have a life I can crack on with all my things I do not NEED a boyfriend it's a nice to have and One Day someone will turn up who I like and they like me etc

It's not a race. Being choosy is the best way. Binning off at the earliest red flags or no-no is definitely the right thing to do.

I'm already dreading the first date I have scheduled for next week. That's not right is it? Mind you if expectations are v low it can only be a pleasant surprise if they aren't awful on meeting can't it...

@Ruralbliss that is how I am feeling today, not much happening on the apps and the ones who have swiped right on me are just meh. Nothing against them because they are probably nice men, their profiles or pictures just don't excite me or draw me in.

That is a very good way of thinking. I very much don't need a man or a boyfriend but I would like one. I have coped up to now without having one but someday that right man will turn up an like me for who I am and I will like them.

Just caught up with all the happenings and not so happenings of past few pages.

Quick update from me - knocked it on the head with MrRednap before 4th date. I just didn't feel he was that interested and when i looked at his situation he really doesn't have time to date.

Went on a first date with a new iron instead on Saturday. He caught the train to my closest city and we had drinks. Stayed out for hours and got on well. He said he would like to see me again and I've agreed that would be nice but I'm questioning whether I'm actually that interested. Chatting with a few more irons too so will see what happens

Does anyone want to hit me over the head with a shovel? Please? I'm having an over thinking moment!
Meant to be meeting someone later in the week for a drink. This is someone who is never going to be relationship material, more of a casual FWB type arrangement (that's fine for me from this particular person). Anyway, I bumped into him today totally unexpectedly. He was working. I introduced myself and we spoke for about a minute. It was very awkward!
My brain has now gone into overdrive and I'm thinking he's going to cancel our meeting now he has met me. I really shouldn't care and usually I wouldn't so why am I now getting all over anxious about this.
After being ghosted at the weekend I think part of this is a confidence things. Someone please tell me to stop being so utterly ridiculous!
Should I message him and say anything about today? What would you do?

@WolfRun, how did you feel about him on seeing him in person ? I think I would have found it difficult too bumping into someone new out of the context of a date.
Would it seem strange or okay to message him about seeing him today ? how has the chat/flirtation and interaction been between you so far ? I think if you do message keep it light. And maybe not until later, see if you get anything from him first. I know this is very easy to say but even if he does come up with an excuse not to now meet I really wouldn't take it personally. I try to let most of it be water off a duck's back. Don't let people you barely know clog up your thoughts.

@Onesmallstep67 we spoke for literally about a minute and that was this morning.
I can't decide whether to message him and just say hey and acknowledge the awkward meeting and whether he's still keen to meet or to leave it (the logic being if he's interested then he'll message me....but then I think maybe he thinks the same...and so I go round in over thinking circles)

I'm leaning towards leaving it be and seeing if he gets in contact with me.
As I said, it wasn't going to be for anything more than FWB so maybe I should just forget about it and leave it up to the universe.

@WolfRun I think I'd message him and acknowledge the awkward unexpected meeting. I can't abide ambiguity and would have nothing to lose. If he says Definitely still up for meeting' then great but if he says 'Actually thanks but no thanks' or doesn't bother answering you have your answer and can reclaim your evening. Win win, non?