Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Bunkbedpeople I’m trying not to get ahead of myself (also the queen of over thinking). I wasn’t too interested in Mr Australia at first as it all seemed a bit unrealistic and I was also dating Mr France (who it appears as of 6am yesterday has ghosted me after 3 dates/3 weeks ) so Mr Australia was initially seen as more of a fun one night stand. It’s the ‘lying in bed thinking about you’ message that has thrown me... I need to just accept each contact with him as it comes and stop day dreaming! I’m already getting carried away, but I can’t help but be hopeful that he will ask to see me again when he’s back in London otherwise why would he message first for 3 weeks now following the date since he’s been on holiday? It’s so easy to over think and mentally marry myself off!

Very nice for you to have other dates too! Especially a man who offers to help with DIY, that really is something! I hope it works out well for you and you plan to see eachother after the work trip.

I am cautious of this dynamic too but I can honestly say he was lovely and that was more my own insecurity- and he must have liked something to message me at all (we all know the stories of sex on the first date and then you never hear from the man again). Maybe I just need more self belief!

Currently not really dating as I felt it was going somewhere with Mr France but it’s clear there’s a change with him/he’s ghosted so I’ll be back on the apps and hope Mr Australia is messaging with the plan of asking for another date once back in London

Another potential iron just suggested meeting tomorrow and when I said okay, he backed off and said he was only joking. He is off work tomorrow so is going to have a chilled day. I don't think this man has any intention of meeting.
The new iron who I was arranging a date tomorrow night with has disappeared into thin air. Didn't even get to deciding where and saying that I'm not going to be travelling. Just seen that he is online but hasn't responded.

Trying to keep my boundaries firm tonight when all I want to do is swipe on men that I know are just after one thing and are no good for me.

Apparently I spoke too soon about the iron joking about seeing me tomorrow. I'm seeing him for lunch on Saturday. When I asked where he said he would come to me if I wanted. So I will call him Mr Travel

@fortunacookie
It sounds like you fall hard and fast for people.

Carry on with your life and message when you can, don't make messaging him your number 1 priority

Never make a man the centre of your life even when in a proper relationship, its not healthy.

Do you have abandonment ussues? Just musing sbout why you are intense?

If you know men get scared off could you rein it in and treat new men like your just friends until you get further along the line?

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Yay to a date on Saturday.

Dont go in to it expecting butterflies and declarations of love, i know you're used to different men but slow and steady is also fine.

I was so used to ups and lots of downs in my marriage with constant drama and problems and running on adrenalin constantly that my new relationship is a breath of fresh air with no drama or anything, its almost too easy.
But then i realise that this is how normal relationships are so I'm going with the flow.

@sortingitout I'm going into it with 0 expectations and I'm going to treat it like going for lunch with a new friend. I'm not sure that anything will come from it as the chat is dull over text and going round in the same sort of how are you etc circle but then he could be completely different in person.

It will be a good chance to put my firmed up boundaries into action while on a date. I'm doing quite well at putting them into place on the apps and calls.

Lurker here and apologies if off topic but a bit relevant to me as I'm OLD. How do you all approach the talk about sexual health with new partners? Do you view their results or assume all fine?

The reason you need to be careful about rushing in and being amazed at the connection after 2 dates is that your brain will find it harder to notice problems, it will overlook things that it would usually warn you about. Basically you won’t be on your guard and you should be. It’s such a false sense of security that this feeling gives you. By all means enjoy being with someone but make sure that after every date you rethink how it went and try to spot anything that didn’t sit right with you and not just gloss over it with the strong feeling of compatibility. Don’t allow yourself to look 6 months into the future with this person as this then creates a goal you are working towards and similarly your brain then won’t want to be deviated from this goal to see anything that is problematic
You need to be sharp and alert during early dating - doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s crucial to protect yourself

[quote SortingItOut]@fortunacookie
It sounds like you fall hard and fast for people.

Carry on with your life and message when you can, don't make messaging him your number 1 priority

Never make a man the centre of your life even when in a proper relationship, its not healthy.

Do you have abandonment ussues? Just musing sbout why you are intense?

If you know men get scared off could you rein it in and treat new men like your just friends until you get further along the line?[/quote]
Yes my dad left when I was 4 and I think it has affected my relationships with men, our relationship was very fractured throughout my life until he died

@ArabellaJane

I usually assume fine , I use condoms until I get to know them a bit though

@ArabellaJane from experience I wouldn't assume everything was fine and I would now get an up to date test and ask them to before stopping using condoms. Of course this doesn't stop them sleeping with others and not using them but then you are doing everything within your power to protect yourself

@Dancerinthemoonlight i was tested but current partner is a bit relaxed as he says he used condoms with his last two partners. We don't use protection though he never comes inside me (I know there's a risk of other things). Am I being too lax?

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Some men just arent great at having a text conversation, hopefully the conversation will flow in real life and if it doesnt at least you'll have some nice food.

I'm really pleased to see you have put boundaries in place and are sticking to them, its really hard at the start especially when you're a people pleaser.

@ArabellaJane
You are far too lax, just because he foesnt cum inside you doesnt mean you cant catch something still. Why are you playing Russian roulette with your health?

Are you using the withdrawal method as your contraception?

Just because he says he used condoms doesnt mean he did, i mean he's not using them wirh you.

Get him to get tested and to use condoms until the results are back and then make a decision.

@fortunacookie
I'm sorry to hear your dad left you, would you benefit from counselling to help you with abandonment issues?

With being intense and then guys finishing with you, you are in a self fulfilling prophecy and you are then dumped so you feel crap and your issues come to the surface again and the cycle repeats.

I'm concerned about your comment that you only use condoms until you get to know them, how does getting to know them mean they havent got an STI or STD?

@ArabellaJane - 😱

That sounds incredibly risky to me. Use condoms until you've both been tested, come back clear and have another, reliable form of contraception. Unless you want an STI and/or baby?

@ArabellaJane yes you are being too lax. You don't have any proof that he used condoms in previous relationships other than his word. I would ask him to get a test and not have unprotected sex with him until the test results come back. If he has nothing to hide then there shouldn't be an issue with him getting tested.

I have approached the topic by directly asking anyone I'm going to have sex with to have a full STD screen, telling them when I have, and using condoms anyway (until I got an implant with current long-term BF).

I know i sound like a mum but honestly I'm concerned that lots of people are not caring about their sexual health.

There is so much information out there about the risks and how it impacts your longer term health and that STI and STD cases are rocketing but still people are lax.

Testing kits can be sent to your home address and test for the main ones so no need to attend a clinic.

If you cant discuss contraception or sexual health with a new partner then maybe you're not grown up enough to date and have sex.

@Dancerinthemoonlight - I'm loving all your updates and your new attitude. I've been on the thread a while with various usernames, and you should be really proud of your new boundaries and self esteem that shines through.

@JaggySplinter thank you. I'm not 100% there and do have days where I have wobbles like last night, I know I can post on the thread and there will be support there. I'm really working on my self confidence and being happy with me. I have lost 20kg in the last 18 months and 8 out of 10 times still see the bigger me in the mirror. Sometimes I think I used to be more confident being bigger because when you decide to lose weight and people know you are they chime in with all the ways to 'help' and the I'm not saying you need to but if I was going to I would do x y z.
I think that's also my problem in that men now find me sexier and I'm not wanting to sound braggy or anything but I have kept my curves with the weight loss so I have the classic hourglass figure. I'm still working on how to tell when a man is just attracted to me for looks and not being of my personality. I think a key way for that is if they are pushy for sex and when I have said no or moved hands if they are still asking then I need to just walk away

The potential iron who disappeared mid date arranging has just come back and suggested tomorrow night to meet. I ask where and said we can meet in London. That's a lot closer to him than it is to me.
What's a nice way of saying thanks but no thanks?

[quote SortingItOut]@fortunacookie
I'm sorry to hear your dad left you, would you benefit from counselling to help you with abandonment issues?

With being intense and then guys finishing with you, you are in a self fulfilling prophecy and you are then dumped so you feel crap and your issues come to the surface again and the cycle repeats.

I'm concerned about your comment that you only use condoms until you get to know them, how does getting to know them mean they havent got an STI or STD?[/quote]
No you don't sound like a mum, you give great advice and I appreciate it.

I do get regularly tested but yeah guess I don't know if they have but the majority of men don't like condoms do they ?

@fortunacookie
Men might not like condoms but if its a case of condom = sex and no condom = no sex I'm sure they'll adapt.

If a man wants to put his health and yours at risk then he doesnt sound like he is suitable long term.

You should never be pressurised to have sex without a condom.
Protect your own health.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I’d just ignore and block/unmatch the guy you don’t want to meet - sounds brutal but if someone is clearly just angling for a convenient last-minute hookup they don’t want or need a big discussion.