Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Can someone give me a clue as to how ghosters live with themselves? How do they sleep at night?

Especially those referenced on here (sorry I can't recall who's toe-rag of an iron did this) and other Relationship threads where they go dark and block after an actual physical relationship or intimate times?

How can they think it's ok? Are they sadists? Why on earth do they not just spend 5 secs saying 'I'm out. So sorry. Had second thoughts' or whatever. Some sort of bloody closure. It's such a cruel way to be let down!

The one before current iron ghosted me. We met before lockdown for coffee a couple of times. FaceTimeed all the way through lockdown. Met when restrictions eased. Takeaway at mine ended up in bed, he left, never heard from him again! Pretty shit for your confidence but hey

I think sometimes people like the idea of a relationship but when it gets real they panic and realise they are not ready for whatever reason. I have been ghosted twice, both after quite a few dates and both got back in touch much (like a year) later to apologise and give a (lame) reason about kids etc.
I clearly wouldn't entertain them a second time, even though one I really really liked, but it taught me to never take it personally, ghosting is always about their issues not yours.

Ghosting is usually what people do when they have no connection or feelings and don’t want confrontation, it’s lazy. I think they just CBA to deal with it. Also it can leave the door open for later on, very often they will pop back up.

Mr M has popped back up to tell me he’s been given loads of money in redundancy. Firstly I don’t care 😂 secondly I am laughing at what shit he will spend it on and no doubt pay off none of his debt and has no job to go to!

I remember how anxious his money situation used to make me, thankfully Mr R is much more normal with money and more like me

Thanks @Menora and @RamblingRose1 makes sense
I just psychoanalysed myself whilst mowing the lawn and remembered that my dad stopped talking to me overnight as an 11 year old and didn't say a word to me for ten years. Suspect being ignored or ghosted is my weak spot/trigger.

It is lazy but perhaps not as malicious as I was thinking it was. They just aren't into it and CBA with saying hard truths.

While our on my evening walk to stop me just staring at the TV I had a pre date screening call with a potential iron. I will call him Mr Fantasist. The stuff he came out with and expected me to believe. Apparently he is turning 33 on Sunday but has already been a red coat, been married and divorced with 2 children. Went and joined the foreign legion in France for a year. Studied drama at RADA and has been in x y and z.
I wasn't born yesterday and didn't believe a word coming out of his mouth. Sent him a was nice talking to you but think we are looking for different things text. Got back an oh shame, no worries.
Boundaries are staying firm.

@Dancerinthemoonlight Gosh you are good. Saved yourself a wasted evening there.

I just got a 'enjoy your search' mid way through messaging someone I matched with on Saturday. No idea what I'd said/not said that offended! I appreciated his honesty though and told him so.

@Ruralbliss this is very much a new and improved version of me and trying to keep to my boundaries. I was half tempted to go on a date with him just to see what other rubbish he came out with but then I thought about it and I would rather watch paint dry than have an evening with a man that I know is just talking rubbish and that it isn't going to go anywhere.
I don't know why I keep matching with the liers and fantasists. There must be something about me that draws them in. I really don't think I would have become this confident and knowing that there is nothing wrong with having boundaries and expectations without the support of this thread.

dancer

I accidentally went on a meet with fantasist guy!

Thought it might be a laugh as he hadn’t been such a fantasist by message, just a quirky intelligent mature student looking to meet new people (thought he might be a potential mate).

But he really got going once we met....

He just kept coming up with all these completely random weird anecdotes with punchlines referring to situations I wasn’t really aware of...I don’t really follow American or movie culture that much so although he kept claiming he’d been someone in the New York movie business I didn’t even get a lot of what he was saying?

(Though there was stuff like blatantly lying about the university he went to from his profile so I guess much was fantasy).

... “and then I nearly had sex with a young Brazilian model in New York ...”

AND IT WAS GISELE!

It was my first pub visit after lockdown too

and though it was nice being out I kept worrying people at the next table could hear our conversation and think we actually knew each other

@Ruralbliss i was also thinking about ghosting today. I hadn't heard from my iron since mid Sunday and had sent him 4 'are you ok' messages since then including this morning as he hasn't been well. He finally responded this afternoon as @SortingItOut had said he would, that he was ill and really sorry but feeling shitty. But actually so many thoughts of reasons for ghosting went through my head, and at the time, I couldn't believe how someone I'd connected with for the last couple of months could do that to me. I think it would have put me off OLD completely as its happened at varying stages before. Luckily he didn't in this case but agree that it's just a lazy way of not facing those awkward questions. If he had ghosted me. I think now I would have thought of him as quite pathetic if I'm honest as I'm always upfront with what I need to say, but in a soft delivery. So why can't everyone do this? They really don't realise the repercussions of this type of behaviour.

@Eesha, he got your first. and second. I think we give guys far too much lee way. It literally takes a minute to text back. This one sounds like he has ghosting in his future...

@Bunkbedpeople I'm pmsl here. Giselle. right. and pigs fly !

@Savvymymmy yes I can see where you are coming from but what actually happened was he was sick all weekend and did text me during that time but also seemed very anxious about being ill. He told me before that he wasnt great when he was ill. Still, I will be taking each day as it comes though as it wasn't decent behaviour for me, just shutting me out for 2 days. He's autistic so I'm looking at it with a more open mind.

@Dancerinthemoonlight and @Bunkbedpeople see the worrying thing is that I don't reckon I would have spotted these tall tales as lies and fantasies!

I would have lapped it all up, probably being mightily impressed and told all my mates.

This is cause for concern now. I clearly am wayyyyyy too trusting and figure everyone is as honest and as decent as I am. Which they aren't!

Ffs. I'm going to have to take lessons from you lot and give myself a very stern talking to.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I don't think you can change this man's communication style and he's not giving the enthusiastic signals that you need, which is a bit of a worry at such an early stage. It's that missing va va voom!
@Dancerinthemoonlight lovely to hear about your boundaries and that you're valuing yourself.

My irons are thin on the ground, meh, or disappear mid conversation never to return at the moment I've decided to have a few days break as it's all so discouraging.

Glad to hear you're getting less fuck boys dancer but not so good that you don't like the look of your right swipers. Early days of your new profile though, hopefully things will take a positive turn soon.
Still muddling along with MrC, we've had a lot of heart to hearts recently and I feel a lot better about where we're heading, which essentially is nowhere, but our feelings are on the same page about it which is excellent!

@frocksmock you are absolutely right. I’ve still not heard from him since my text wishing him a safe journey on Monday morning. I felt really crap yesterday but it’s just how he is. So I need to decide if he’s someone I’m willing to lower my expectations for (I NB don’t think I am)

I’ve been speaking to @Backonthehorse1 On WhatsApp and it’s been great, so thank you 😊

I’m feeling much better today. Decided to buy myself a Eufy Robovac after reading that thread last night 😬

@Eesha
Really pleased he messaged even if it was just to say he is still ill.
Hopefully he will be better soon and messaging can commence again.

@HairyArsedMan
Why are you not good enough for this lady?
Clearly you have some amazing qualities as well otherwise she wouldnt have gone on a 2nd date.
She sounds amazing too but that doesnt mean you are not good enough.
Lets raise your self confidence so you believe in yourself.

@Backonthehorse1
I'm concerned about a comment you made that seeing someone for sex and messaging loads means you have assumed exclusivity.
Please dont assume anything, there have been plenty of people on the thread that got to 3/4/5 months and had assumed exclusivity because of exactly the reasons you give but the other person was still dating/messaging others.
You really need to have the exclusive chat sooner rather than later so you dont get hurt.
Its a given nowadays for OLD that everyone is multi messaging/dating/having sex unless the chat has taken place.

What is it with all these men who's communication style is so lacking in basic manners?

Is it just them and their personality or have they been hurt in the past and dont want to give too much away too soon?

I also wonder if its so they dont have to make an effort in a relationship?
If right from the start they dont show much interest with messaging and compliments then they can always say later down the line when you complain about it that you knew from the start and therefore they never planned to make much effort.

I always see dating as putting the best version of ourselves forward, not a completely different persona but just the best side so if men do the same then the lack of communication right from the start is a huge issue as its them actually making an effort.

Its good that on here we can discuss this because i think its so easy just to put up and shut up and when others are in the same boat you can support each other and also think about boundaries which i know is hard to do if you've never had boundaries.

@SortingItOut you hit the nail on the head. Mr T just says it’s the way I am. I’m closed emotionally and so don’t think about giving compliments. The more time that goes by without hearing from him the more I’m realising it’s not the kind of relationship I want. I need more. Not validation but just to feel nice and wanted from time to time. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

There was a very interesting programme on Radio 4 about dating app algorithms - www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000lv6l - which suggests you get rated and your value goes up and down depending on who you swipe and who swipes you.

Monday at 11am R4

I am totally new to OLD ( widow, older than you lot 😂) but so pleased to have found this thread.
I have experienced all the things you talk about. I now push for meeting for coffee soon rather than drawn out online chats.
I have been ghosted after a very pleasant first date. Ghosted mid chat.
Met a man who must have been at least 20 years older than he said.
Ignored by most people after they send a like.
Grr. I see that FWB must be an attractive option rather than wading through these emotionally stunted time wasters.

@Ruralbliss

I do think for everyone the weird ones will occasionally get through, no matter how good your screening.

I’d still personally prefer not to exchange surnames and ask millions of questions before meeting (as I hate when that is done to me?) to be 100% sure.

If we’ve established the basics guys often do tend to be who they say they are.

I did meet a few fantasists on plenty of fish a few years ago though but I didn’t have much time to date and my screening needed work. I keep taking breaks so I’m having to learn it all from scratch!

I’m childfree and live close to the city so it’s easier for me to meet, less investment required and I can meet for a coffee date in between errands. which helps.

@LivingMyBestLife2020

jealous of your robovac. And your new life plans sound fantastic - getting a new qualification is so challenging at times but overall so good. I’m excited for you.

@SortingItOut

Yes I definitely agree that’s one aspect of lack of communication - it’s like forcing the other person to do all the work/have all the mental load/put themselves out there?

I have re-joined happen and hinge so going to see if there is any interest on there. I have a 50 mile radius as max because of my location which takes my radius into London.
The huge issue I'm finding is that irons/potential irons say it's not worth travelling to my area for only an hour or so. Yet they seem to think it's perfectly fine to expect me to travel the same distance to see them. It's all just a bit crap on the apps at the moment.

24 days until my holiday and I am going to hide myself on the apps because I'm not looking for a holiday fling

@SortingItOut yes it was a surprise as I'd resigned myself to no response. I'm still seeing how each day goes though but less invested I'd say, only because he's shown me a different side to himself now.