DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

[unsure141]

Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

You own no property together, have no children together: just go!! Love is never, ever enough. You're terrified of him, you're worrying about his mental health and medication: he's not your problem!!! Don't you want a happy life? Find your anger and self respect and tell him to fuck off.

I think I’d probably tell my ds1 (25) to grow up. That she hasn’t got any kids to this man so why is she choosing to be with some one who is happy to push her around and use his strength to over power her. I’d also tell her that it’s really unlikely that she is going to spend the rest of her life with this man so why is she wasting time with him? I’d really be disappointed that out of millions of men she felt she had to choose/stay with some one like this.

I’d also remind her of the fact that my husband has never ever laid a hand on me.

Please get away from this man OP. You’re so young, you have a whole bright future ahead of you. Unfortunately your story follows a very common plot, his behaviour the same as thousands of abusers before him. He WILL get more violent.

You really must find yourself somewhere to stay today when he comes home for your own safety. Can you go to a friends? Please phone Women’s Aid too, they will be able to support you through this. Talking to your student welfare department at Uni and let them know what has happened is also a good thing to do. There’s lots of help available to you.

For goodness' sake leave him before he does you some serious damage.

That's what I would say to my daughter.

Take off the rose coloured spectacles. Two neighbours witnessed him assaulting you and called the police! Wake up!

Your friends can see he's an arse, and abusers always have good bits that keep their victims hanging on instead of getting the hell away.

You are scared of him, he assaults you. Nothing you say or do justifies this. That is what he has brainwashed you into thinking. You need to leave before he comes back. This is really important.

Contact women’s aid and talk to them about what you have been through.

Please contact the university welfare offixe and see if they can find you somewhere else to stay.

I don't know what the protocol is re prescription medication (is it on prescription?) when in custody but perhaps you could call the police and let them know.

But you need to get away from this man. It may be hard to see because of your relationship with your parents but love is not physically assualting someone, and that's not how we behave towards people who love us.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Please leave this man.

I'm a mum and if you were my daughter I'd want to come and give you a massive hug

My number one piece of advice is to get some counselling - as you're a student it's likely that your university has a counselling service, so start there. You could also ask your GP whether there is any NHS counselling available. And lastly there is Women's Aid, you can find your local one at www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

In the longer term I really hope that you decide to end the relationship but from what you've written it sounds as if you're not ready to do this unfortunately So I think it's crucial that you get some emotional support to help you work out what's healthy v unhealthy and what you want from your life and relationships.

If you are interested in doing some reading about abuse, I recommend "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Please take care of yourself and talk to someone in real life

This will happen again. Zero doubt about it. He had no respect for you and men like that can’t learn it. It’s not a case of growing up it’s an inherent right/wrong thing.

If you get out now you can graduate and start living your life.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

If you're really concerned about his meds then drop them off at the station, just make sure they are either in the box with the sticker on or with his prescription slip so you can prove he is supposed to have them. I would suggest doing this AFTER you have packed your things and are on the way to stay with a friend. You're 21 with no ties so just go. If he can react like that over netflix, imagine what he would be like after a week of no sleep because of a grumpy baby and the stress of an unexpected bill. Please stop minimising his behaviour, no amount of nice or tender moments make up for that

You are gaining nothing in this relationship. Ask yourself “ what’s in it for me?”
He will not change. What you are feeling is not love for him but fear and dependence.

I would tell her to use this opportunity to get out. You’ve been living together for less than a year and already he’s violent to the point of being arrested.

The police no longer take the victim’s requests to not act into account because most victims are not thinking objectively.

And while you may love him, he doesn’t love you. If he did he wouldn’t be violent towards you.

In two, five, ten years time when you have children together and he’s put you in hospital more than once it will be harder to get out. And it will give the message to any daughters that they deserve to be treated this way, and any sons that treating women this way is perfectly acceptable.

I would definitely tell my daughter to leave. His abusive behaviour will only get worse. He could actually kill you one day.
Ask yourself what would you tell your daughter in this situation?
Why do you think this is what you deserve? To be pushed around by a much bigger and stronger person who is supposed to love and care for you?
Get out today.

You have been with him 9 months.
He has been physically abusive to you more than once.
Don’t take him back.
Thank your lucky stars you’re not pregnant.

I'd tell my daughter to imagine her life with this person. Her life and that of her children will be more fraught and unhappy if they stay together. Just don't do this to yourself and your future. You deserve a happy family life. Please put yourself first. I've seen talented, beautiful women destroy their own lives by trying to save a man with these issues.

What medication is it that he needs? If you are that worried about it you could phone the station.
Your statement about your friends thinking he's an arse but they don't see what you see... (paraphrasing) is because at the moment you are looking through rose-tinted glasses. When they drop off you will see him for what he is and may have lost your friends in the process.
May this be the wake up call you need to call time on this relationship as it will in all probability get worse.

Move on and good luck.

I’m guessing your friends see what you refuse to. Just run for gods sake and don’t look back.

I'd travel however long it took to fetch my daughter before this POS was released from prison and I would do whatever it took to make sure she was safe. I would tell her that she is my daughter and no one gets to push her around because she is worth so much more than that, and I'd tell her that I know it's hard to walk away but I would promise it gets easier because it does. And then I would leave my husband to deal with this 'man' when he was released from prison.
I'm so sorry your family have let you down so spectacularly. This man isn't the answer though lovely, you should never ever feel scared in your own home. You should never be pushed around and a loving relationship is never one where either of you are unkind to each other.
I know you will feel guilt at the thought of leaving him, or him being stuck in prison, because that suits him. And I know you're probably feeling alone because you don't have a family to fall back on and here's a man willing to build up a new family with you, but this isn't the answer. This man isn't the loving family you probably want; and I know it would be hard to walk away but I promise you there is so so much better out there. Someone worth your love will never push you around, put his hands on you or make you feel that gnawing fear and guilt in the bottom of your stomach.
Who's name is on the flat tenancy? Do you have somewhere safe to go?

I’d advise- and have done- my daughter to not ever accept any degree of violence towards her from someone who is supposed to love her.
But I also know what it’s like to love someone who isn’t good for you and that it’s not as easy as just leaving sometimes. So if you really can’t- then at the very least seek counselling and insist he does to. He needs to address his issues and you need to learn why you’d accept less than the love you deserve.

What would I tell my daughter?

Well, I'd say it's ok sweetie, it's normal to be assaulted in a relationship. Just stay with him and learn to not do anything that might get you punished. He'll probably start hitting you but what matters is that you love him. Nobody is perfect. He treats you well most of the time right? What are a few pushes and thumps between lovers? Bring kids into this, they'll be fine, just try to not let them see him hurt you.

I mean seriously? What on earth do you expect people to say except get the hell out before he beats you and please don't say he won't because he will.

The fact you love him won't keep you safe from him.

Don't be a statistic.

To be blunt, I dont think it matters what anyone says on this, your mind is made up to stay with him. You excuse his behaviour because he has MH issues. I have MH of my own, but I dont push or abuse my husband, so no, it is part and parcel of having Mh.
I have 2 daughters, and if they was in this situation, I would of course tell them they needed to leave ect ect. The thing is, we can all say this, but it means nothing. When you have an abusive partner, nothing anyone says will matter, we just have to wait and be there until you finally see the person for what they are and YOU make the decision to see the person for what they are. My mum had 3 kids with my dad and i watched some of the most horrific abuse for 7 years....... until one day, she saw it and she left.
At the moment you still think he is lovely ect ect, so all I would advise is that you build a support network and ensure the rose tinted glasses come off before he kills you.
Luckily, I didnt have to bury my mum, but if she had stayed after the last beating, I probably would have had too.

You're scared of him. He has physically assaulted you. It's more than likely he'll blame you for his behaviour when he returns.
He's physically and emotionally abusive.

I'd tell my daughter to speak to the uni housing/student welfare team and leave.
Love is not violent, love is not abusive. Love supports and nurtures and encourages you to be better together, not worse.

Love is not enough. Sad but true. You need mutual respect and shared values. You don’t seem to have these so I can’t see a happy long term future for you two.
I spent many years with a man I adored who was abusive before I learned that it’s not enough to love someone. You also need to bring out the best in them. I don’t think you bring out the best in each other.
Please walk away. X

Re the medication, it’s down to him in custody to disclose any health issues and a medic will be called to prescribe anything he needs.

What would you say to your best friend or a relative if they were in a relationship with an abusive person?

I only read the first 2 paragraphs. Leave him. Cut all contact. You deserve better than an abusive relationship- you don't assault people you love.