DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

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Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

Do you not have anyone you can stay with for a while? I think you need to get out right now - before he returns.

You've been together for less than a year and already a cycle of violence is your norm. Your arguing is so bad and alarming 2 separate people witnessing it felt so worried they had to call the police.

Your relationship is a toxic wreck and will never get better.

You need a complete cut off so you can restart your life for the better. I'm not sure calling his mum will help you do that

at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11

You haven’t given anywhere near as good as you’ve got. I can guarantee you he would have no problem overpowering you if he chose to. You may well lash out or become physical too, which is NOT ok, but the size and power difference means that he will always have the upper hand and you know it.

FWIW my ex at uni started off by pushing me, squeezing my hand a bit too tightly, punching a hole in the wall. He ended up strangling me hard enough to leave hand prints around my neck and biting my face.

I still went back to him because he could be so nice at other times. I wish I could go back and tell my 21 year old self to dump his abusive arse at the first sign of physical abuse.

But I can’t, so I’m telling you.

This is not a good man. He will continue to hurt you. The police have seen it thousands of times before and they know the pattern, this is why the choice is taken out of your hands, because victims who love their abusers make unreliable witnesses. You may not feel it now, but you’re lucky that your neighbours saw and have alerted the police to what a nasty piece of work your BF is. Please don’t stick around to find out just HOW nasty.

What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

Is there any point in telling you anything when you your friends already sense something is not right but you talk about the ' nice'part of your relationship. Hells bells, I've been with my man for 30 years and I dont have to compartmentalise my relationship like this. Not once have I been terrified of him. Think about that word ' terrified'.
It is a huge negative emotion and in your case your partner has caused you to feel it through his violent actions. That is not normal. However you stay with him and that will be your life. You may have months of calm but you will end up being on eggshells so to not upset him so that you dont become terrified
You've already said he is an arse. However what is tolerable now will really grate on you. Your friends will find him pathetic and will distance themselves so they arent around him.
Get your self some dignity and have a great life. You dont need to be dragged down.
One more thing you can be sure of. Domestic violence repeats and escalates. This is just the start.

I suspect you will give him another chance because 'he didnt mean to hurt you'

Why do you say you really do love him with all your heart?. What is there really to love about this man?. There is nothing to love about him and you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship; neither approach works as you have seen.

You should not be there if and when he returns to the flat. This relationship is well and truly over now because of the abuse he has meted out towards you.

Your safety is of paramount importance here, not him, and he could all too easily put you in hospital going forward if you were at all to have him back. He will indeed blame you as he has done before; with abusers its always someone else's fault or problem i.e yours rather than their own.

What came first with him; his MH issues or his temper?. Men like this are angry because they are abusive and not because they are angry. Its likely that he has used any MH issues as an excuse to further abuse you.

You are still only very young here and have no real life experience behind you; that is also why you got targeted by him. And make no mistake, you were targeted by him.

You will destroy yourself also by your own hand here if you remain at all with this person and he is actively dragging you down with him. The people who saw this domestic violence in your flat were right to do so; you are at risk from him. You cannot love someone like this better; this is who he is and when someone shows you who they are you need to believe them. He hates women, ALL of them starting with his own mother and now you.

You have a brain here; use that instead of thinking with your heart.
Do you not consider that your friends could be right re him too?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Your own overall lack of contact with family like your mum and dad, for good reason, has likely served also in part to make you more vulnerable to such approaches from abusive men.

Your priority is and should be you and your safety; not him. Do not be there at all when he returns. You need to be somewhere safe and not with him.

I would urge you to today contact Womens Aid and or your local domestic violence organisation and seek their help going forward.

Oh love, you deserve so much better than this. As a mum, I'd be horrified and terrified if my daughter was in this position. Relationships are supposed to be fun, especially at your age, and this type of behaviour will only get worse. Please get out while things are relatively uncomplicated, and also try to get some counselling to make sure you don't keep repeating the cycle of ending up with abusive partners. Take care.

Hi OP. I'm sorry you don't have much support in real life. You need to stay strong. This is a crossroads in your life of what you are going to accept and once your self esteem is low it will continue. His excuses are bullshit you need to be selfish and think of what you need and want. This won't get better. I have been in this relationship it starts with shouting, then a shove then before you know it he has punched you. And he's so sorry he's going to kill himself. You end up feeling guilty even though your lip is split open and you can't even bare to look in the mirror because all you see is how pathetic and weak you are because you thought you would never let anyone do anything like that to you. And then it takes a bigger event again a split open head or being booted in the face in a drunken argument and you finally leave or in some girls situations you leave in a body bag. But you are damaged now mentally and you have to build your way back up. You don't trust anyone and your self esteem and self worth is on the ground.

I know what you are thinking. It won't happen he wouldn't lay a finger on me. He is damaged and you want to help him. If he would only get his mental health sorted out we could be happy. But he chose this behaviour everything he does he chooses to do. Just like you choose to allow it but you have an opportunity now to break this cycle. Men like this need to stay alone. You deserve the world. So why are you limiting yourself to this idiot who doesn't respect you and can shove you over something so trivial. I wish we could all give you a mummy cuddle OP it makes me sad you don't have that in real life. But don't turn to his mother that's her baby and in my opinion it will only make you feel worse that she will always have his back.

If your daughter wrote this OP what advice would you give her ?

Wouldn’t you think she deserved much better in life ?

You are not annoying, and you have nothing to apologise for!
You need to get away from him while you can and before he injures you. Ask your university welfare officer, they should help. Good luck.

Just go... why are you still with this guy? you hardly know him, go before you have kids and hes pushing you whilst your holding your baby then lets see your excuses

Run as fast as you can.

These violent men will do anything to make you stay and put up with their bad behaviour.

Yes he’s mentally ill but you’re not helping him by being his punch bag. This man needs to sort himself out alone so he stops harming you or any other woman. He’s crossed so many boundaries he won’t stop until you put massive boundaries between you, and leave with no contact.

Of course there are “nicer” parts of you relationship or you wouldn’t stay. Just think you could have a relationship without the violence and abuse, you could have fun watching Netflix, you could live without drama clouding your life. Your friends are looking out for you and they’re disturbed by the situation.

Just leave. Get therapy too. This situation isn’t your fault but there’s a reason you didn’t see red flags and stayed, sort yourself out now and you can have happy relationships with good boundaries in the future. You may also have some PTSD, so look after yourself and get help.

Good luck.

You are doing great OP, ask your mates for help, don't rely too much on his mum - she may think the sun shines out of his arse. Go on to have a great life without this abuser.

You are 21 years old. You have the rest of your life to live, don't waste them on a toxic relationship that's only going to get worse. End it and move on.

You’re minimising.

If two neighbours independently thought what they saw was serious enough to call the police, then it was serious, not a bit of light pushing and you giving as good as you got, as you are saying.

These people both saw you in physical danger and really thought you would be hurt. You were in danger.

You need to leave him.

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please stay strong, it's such a pivotal moment for you and it would be so so easy to get sucked back in to staying with him and it will be hard to leave but I am sending you all my strength to do so.
I'm so sorry you don't have anyone to rely on and to hold you and cuddle you and tell you it will all be ok, but I promise this man is not the person who will bring you that comfort.

If you walk away and believe in your own worth, you will find the people for you, the ones who will stroke your hair and hug you and give you a safe space. This man will take that from you, he will cut you off from anyone who will help you and will keep you second guessing and blaming yourself.
You will find your people, you will find the family that you want and that will look after you, but not with this man around.

And even though it may take time, you will look back on this one day and breathe such a sigh of relief that you got out. And your own future daughter will be thankful every day that this man is not her father.

My eldest DD is one year younger than you. I wouldn't want her in this kind of relationship at all.

When she was leaving for Uni...I told her that if anyone she was in a relationship showed signs of control, jealousy, violence and possessiveness that she needed to end it straight away.

Please don't put up with this...it's so obvious you're scared of him. This is not a healthy relationship.

Well done Op. But please don't rely on his mum for anything.

My dd is a teen so not quite at your stage yet but what I would say is “leave, leave now and never look back”. I know that you say you love him and I am absolutely sure you do but, with the greatest love and kindness, you need to grow up a bit and realise that this isnt enough. It will happen again and will probably get worse.

Your line sent chills down my spine: ”The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind.”

Just re-read that and really think about it. You are terrified?? Of the man you love so much?? That he is somehow going to twist the scenario into it being your fault? This is wrong on so, so many levels and I am sorry that his wiring is wrong but it is not your fault, not something you can fix and something that will hurt you.

There are plenty of men out there for whom the idea of laying a hand on any female, let alone one he is supposed to love, is utterly abhorrent. Couldnt even imagine doing such a thing.

For the love of god, tell your friends, enlist their help (they will be delighted to help) AND GET OUT!!

By the way, sod his mum, some mums forgive their sons for absolutely everything. An over forgiving mum may make an evil son. Trust me this observation comes from bitter experience.

Please don’t use his mum as a point of call- use your friends or your friends mums?

You are me back in 2014. I was in a relationship exactly like this. He was abusive verbally and sometimes physically, I lost touch with all my friends as they disliked him so much, I was scared but also he would manipulate me and cry saying he couldn’t control his anger, he was sorry, he couldn’t live without me.

Eventually I found the evidence he was cheating which really gave me the kick up the ass (I ended up on antidepressants and miserable) and when he went away for three days I spoke to my landlord and had his name removed from the tenancy, I changed the locks first, and packed ALL his belongings and put them in a storage unit. If his belongings aren’t in the flat he has no right to enter.

Perhaps ask his mother to collect all his belongings and be waiting for him to get home.

Can you go and stay at friends and then speak to the university about safe housing in halls.

Most landlords would be understanding if you mention abuse within the household.

It’s emotional abuse that’s so damaging as you will blame yourself over and over.

I’d be concerned about being on your own if/when he returns. He will either be angry or he could be contrite but do not trust him if he turns on the waterworks or begs for forgiveness.

I also agree not to rely on his mother as she may well want to minimise what he has done. Even if she is horrified she will still support him before you.

I would suggest you read some of the posts on the relationship board about women who ignored what their partner did to them and stayed with him and had children and then used the fact that they had children as an excuse not to leave their violent partners who they claimed loved them (how? As a punch bag? Was good to the kids (hasn't beaten them yet) etc etc. Get out while you can.

Well done for leaving OP. You have saved yourself a shed load of mental and physical pain.

Violence escalates, someone who pushes you against kitchen cabinets today is not going to de escalate into someone who flicks his finger against your arm tomorrow. Rather they will become someone who hits you with a fist or pushes you downstairs. Statistically a woman is attacked by a partner over 30 times before she does something about it like leaving or calling the police, so you have beaten the odds and I am really pleased for you.

Your partner, or rather your ex partner - that is good to write- has got issues to deal with re his mh and his propensity towards violence, but that is for him to acknowledge and get help for. It is neither your fault nor your responsibility.

Your responsibility is to yourself, to your wellbeing, your education and what I hope is a long, fulfilling and most of all happy future, I am sure that you will find someone who loves, values and respects you.

I would tell my DD to leave him immediately. And at 21, I would probably be fairly insistent about it.

You are afraid that he will blame you for him being arrested. Think about that. It isn't okay. Don't let this unpleasant relationship be the start of your adult life and relationship with men. This relationship clearly cannot last and won't last and then what damage will it have done to you for the rest of your life?

Leave him. You may feel like you love his nicer qualities but that won't last and you will have wasted too much time on him. Please leave him.

Well done for getting help and advice.

You'll be fine - because you have made a choice to put yourself first.

Here's a big, squishy, mum-bosom, hug.

I would be very proud if my daughter made the same choices as you. You have to put your safety first. Every time.

This isn’t love, or even a relationship op.

A relationship is based on mutual respect and love, you don’t have either of those in your relationship.