DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

[unsure141]

Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

Oh sorry, I didn't read through the thread and didn't realise you had made a decision. It's the right one OP. Well done.

Well done for leaving op.

You’re young and have your whole life ahead of you, I promise you will meet someone awesome and never give this arsehole a second thought.

Good luck!

When I was in university I had to do a moonlight flit and left all my belongings apart from a bag of clothes to escape a partner.

My course tutor actually helped me and arranged accommodation linked to the university.

SORRY massive cross post! I am so so pleased you are ending it. Don’t be sucked back in - there will be tears, there will be apologies and never ending promises to never lift a hand to you again. Please don't listen. Get your friends to surround you with their love and support and dont go back!

Leave and don't look back. It'll be the best thing you ever do. How come you've moved in together so soon? I am sure there will be some legality over terminating the tenancy due to DV.

I have a 24 year old son and I cannot imagine him hurting another person let alone someone he is in a relationship with.

I'm sorry you don't have support from any family members but leaving is the best decision you could have made.

I have a couple of friends whose fathers had mental health problems. Their lives have been completely shaped by this. They have grown up watching their mothers be physically and emotionally abused. One of them felt overwhelming relief when her father died. The other has had to cut off all contact with both her parents, because she could no longer cope with her father’s behaviour and her mother’s refusal to leave. Both my poor friends have a deep sadness in them, which they will never escape, because of what they have seen.

If you stay, this is what your children will experience.

There are literally thousands of men out there, who will have all the wonderful attributes your current partner has, but do not have his massive and dangerous flaws. Go and find one of them. Get yourself a thoroughly decent chap who doesn’t have mental health problems. Or just be single - being single is fabulous, especially when you’re young.

I’m sorry you can’t go to your mum for help. Remember - this is probably one of the things that your partner found appealing about you. A young woman without a mum is a vulnerable young woman, and one who will more likely suffer his abuse because she’s not got that protection that most mothers provide.

So my advice would be to take this fantastic opportunity and end the relationship today. You will feel heartbroken for a little while, but I promise that will be replaced by feelings of liberation, joy, excitement and opportunity.

If you stay, he may well end up killing you, and we can all read about him pleading not guilty to your murder on grounds of diminished responsibility. Best of luck.

I am pleased to read your decision @unsure141 and wish you all the best. I was in a similar situation to you but I chose to stay. I lost 10 years of my life to my ex. Over time his good qualities diminished and I became a shell of myself. I was unable to meet up with friends or family without verbal and physical abuse.

at the start I did think maybe his behaviour was my fault, but I’m seeing now that it wasn’t

@unsure141
You are never responsible for another person's behaviour, only your own. He is responsible for his actions.

My DH has serious MH issues( bipolar) and although like most couples we will argue once in a while he has NEVER laid a hand on me, nor am i afraid of him in any way. The MH thing is a handy excuse for you to justify it to yourself to stay. MH issues can cause problems in relationships, but violence should not be one of them.

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

These are repeated incidents. You leave him now or get him to leave.

It will escalate and there will be damage. Why would you want to continue a relationship in which it's OK for you to assault eachother.

DD ExBF turned nasty towards the end.

I spoke to his parents and told them the police is the next step should he continue. I meant it as well. Even if DD didn’t want that I would absolutely make a complaint and have him arrested.

I base this on so many woman NOT reporting abuse and these men continue to ruin lives of young woman, living in fear each day.

Don’t be a victim. Don’t let the next woman be a victim.

I'm pleased to see your update.
My DD is 22 and if she were in this situation I'd be there like a shot to get her the hell away.

Educate yourself on abuse. Do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme on line.
Read the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.

Know that the only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE!!! None at all. Abuse is not OK or acceptable.
You cannot make excuses for it.
MH is not an excuse to abuse someone - NEVER!

Abuse ALWAYS ramps up when the woman is pregnant or there is a new baby so this WILL get worse.
He can promise you the world but he is abusive. Nothing can change that.
Understand that abuse in any household with children, is also abuse of the children. It is now recognised by law and by social services. No child deserves to be brought up in a house with abuse.

Look after you. Get out there.
Be free. Enjoy your young life.
Do NOT live it in fear.
Always want the best for you.
Never settle.
His MH is HIS issue.
You cannot save him.

Look into getting yourself some counselling.
You have rescuer tendencies and this will land you in more abusive relationships.
Educate yourself - Free yourself!

He’s only 21 and you’ve only been together 9 months, you don’t yet have the stress of kids and a mortgage, and yet he’s already managed to be violent to you. That really doesn’t bode well. This will only get worse. I’m glad you’ve taken steps to get away.

He will most likely blame you for winding him up &/or make promises about going for counselling.... Please don't listen, it is not your job to fix him. he is responsible for his behaviour.
No-one has the right to violently & repeatedly push you around.

A comparison is wanting to buy a car, & choosing one that looks nice, but has seriously engine problem. You don't want it. because you will need to invest a lot in it, & its not sure you can fix it.

Most men don't hit women. It's not ok and it's not normal. Get out.

Hi unsure,
I see that you have made a decision. If you speak to the police, they will support you to do this safely.

Also, contact Womens Aid or your local domestic abuse agency (a quick google will find it). They can help you sort out practicalities like the lease on your accommodation and they can offer emotional support too.

When the dust settles, consider doing a programme such as a recovery toolkit or the Freedom programme. This can help you identify red flags and patterns of behaviour that you have been taught to accept as "normal". It will help you to form future relationships that are healthy and filled with real love.

I would also worry about leaning on his mum. Is there anyone else that you can call on? His mum might behave differently than you expect in this situation, as she may feel torn. (I may be projecting from my own experience, but worth mentioning).

Leave. It will only get worse.

It can help to think about what might happen if someone who was good did something terrible and out of character to see the difference between a deliberate abuser and a one off event. If (god forbid) one day I got so angry that I pushed my dh repeatedly, I would be so mortified that I would seek help.

I wouldn’t just say sorry, I would tell him that because I love him and need him to be safe, that we need to separate until I understand what triggered my outburst and ensure it never happens again.

My thoughts would be focused on how to protect him from harm because I love him. Even if that meant we weren’t together any more.

Now this scenario makes one huge assumption, and that’s that it was a genuine loss of control in the moment. Which I very much doubt is the case here. I suspect he could keep his cool and not push his lecturer over if they annoyed him. I wonder if he goes along with his friends when they want to watch something he’s not interested in. I suspect he only loses his cool with you.

The first time he was violent with you he didn’t protect you from future outbursts. He didn’t take responsibility for his actions and seek help. He didn’t leave you to ensure your safety. He didn’t put you first.

You must put yourself first.

I would be dragging my daughter (if I had one!) out of there, kicking and screaming if necessary. You may "love him with all your heart" but, as someone up thread has said, it's not enough. He's an abusive twat who will only get worse. Please, please listen to the wisdom of the many women on here who have been through similar who have advised you, quite rightly, to leave now while you're still able.

His problems are not yours to solve.

If you were going to leave him you'd have left him by now. I hope to goodness you will eventually realise it is NOT YOUR JOB to fix this man and that he can't be fixed. That you're scared of him. That you deserve more. You're 21; you do not need this shit.

I can tell you all this, you'll have pages of it thought so I won't bother.

What I will say is that if you allow yourself to have a child by this man you are absolutely, knowingly committing child abuse. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN.

I would say that I am a loving sensible Mum to 3 daughters, 12-25.
I would say you think you love him but probably are not wanting to be alone. Do not set off in life at 21 with all the world in front of you with this man. It will not get better. However hard you try. You have already identified that he is going to make him hitting you into your fault.
If he is doing it in front of witnesses then you really do need to act now. It's a shame you don't seem to have parents to go to. But you need to use your head now and find a way out. Can the police advise? Ask for the help you need.

If you’re at uni, the speak to your on site pastoral care.

You can’t change him.

It will only get worse.

You deserve to be safe and happy.

Not RTFT.

I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me

Love yourself OP, and dump him. You are 21, you should not be with someone who assaults you.

You need to move on and seek some therapy regarding how to identify abusive relationships and how to move through and onto healthy equal relationships (not just in terms of partners but family / friends / work) - your University or GP will be able to point you in the right direction. You're young and been involved with two abusive people who you should have been able to trust. Do not go back to him.