DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

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Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

You need to walk away before he does you any serious damage. Jumping to assault is not a healthy relationship, you need to get out of there, stay with a friend if you can and get some support.

What would you tell your daughter in this situation? You would tell her to leave. Every mother would. It is no longer safe for you to stay there. Any man who uses his strength to physically overpower you is dangerous. You need to take the advice above, contact University support systems or Women's Aid. Get out. And then get counselling so you can recognise abusive behaviour going forward.

I'm so so sorry you are in this situation. You can leave. You can and will find someone who won't hurt you and won't want you to live in fear.

I would tell my daughter to leave. That this isn't what love or friendship or respect is about. I would tell her that she is worth more than this, that she has a bright future ahead of her, and staying with this man will only pull her down.

In fact I did tell her all this when she was in a similar situation, she was a few years younger than you.

Please leave Op.

This is a toxic relationship. It is both physically and mentally dangerous to be with someone who will raise his hand and assault you.
You may love him but its not enough. You will love all sorts of people in your life, but if hes dangerous then it cancels out a lot. You have to think of your future x

I don’t have a daughter, but if this was my mum/Aunty/friend, I would get in the car, go get her, and bring her somewhere safe. I’d make her tea, feed her, let her rest.

Then I’d show her this and ask her to read it: www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Then I’d hope she would LTB.

Follow Jean Hatchet on Twitter. She rides for murdered women. The stories of their lives and deaths will haunt you.

It’s too late OP. Many abusive relationships start with a bit of shoving. Then it escalates. Especially with you thinking you are “giving back as good as you get” this means you are in a pattern of abusing each other. It never ends well because the man is stronger and does more injury than you ever could.
You need to end the relationship. You are young, there are no ties holding you to him like children.

It is probably best for him too for you to end it as it might be the wake up call he needs to get help for his anger issues. If you stay, he’ll think that shoving you is acceptable when it’s most definitely abuse and nowhere near acceptable.

If he hits you over netflix arguments then what would he be like if something genuinely stressful was happening?

This bit really stands out to me:

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

What are you worried he would do?

Well, from what I’ve learned on here, this will never get better and you’d be a mug to stay with him.

Poor you, OP. If you were my daughter I would hope that you reach out to me and I could help you pack some bags and drive you home, make you a nice meal and send you to bed with a teddy bear!

If this was happening to my daughter I would be really, really upset because I know she has to make her own choice about leaving a relationship that is full of harm.

I'd try to explain what real love looks like and maybe ask her to consider having a break from the relationship at least with no contact for a few weeks or months and see how she feels.

Can you reach out to a friend OP who can act like your mum? Why do they think he's a bad 'un?

I don't think you'll find a single person here, least of all a Mum, who will agree that staying with him is a good idea. We'll all say you should leave. Some will want you to do it now and others will understand that you need time to realise that yourself. But not a single one of us will say "yes, this sounds like a good relationship and you can definitely change him". Sorry, it's not going to happen. Please reflect on the weight of that - the experience a lot of women have, and believe us when we tell you - you need to leave.

RUN, you wally!

You need to grow up. You are young, no children, no marriage etc. Why are you staying with someone who (literally) pushes you around? You haven't been with him years, you can easily leave and forget about him. You think you love him but is this really a loving relationship?

He won’t be in a cold cell!

You barely know this abusive and probably dangerous man. What you do know of him should be warning you to get out of this relationship now, while you can.

If you were my daughter I’d be telling you to leave this abuser and start living a better life. He doesn’t love you, so no need for you to love him. Leave him, concentrate on your course/work, get yourself the future you deserve.
If you are stupid enough to stay with him, your life will be filled with fear and unhappiness, don’t let that happen to you.

It doesnt matter what I would say to my daughter because the fact is your Mum being like she is has caused this to happen. Your Mum clearly hasnt shown you what love is and your Dad's apathy to the event is telling as well.

So you see his attention and the nice parts as him loving you - something you are so desperate for you will take these parts. And you see yourself as loving him with all your heart.

But it isnt love - you need counselling and therapy OP and to listen to your friends - the people in your life it sounds like actually DO love you. Otherwise if you manage to survive this relationship (and you may well not) it will be a pattern forever

Hi everyone, sorry for posting and then disappearing, I am trying to read all of the comments. I have packed a bag for myself and a small one for him should he choose to stay at his mums instead of come home. I really really appreciate everyone’s advice and I’m sorry if I’ve been naive or if my post came across as a bit annoying, I’ve never been in this kind of situation before. I think I know that he probably doesn’t love me the way I want him to, and at the start I did think maybe his behaviour was my fault, but I’m seeing now that it wasn’t. Unfortunately I don’t have anywhere to go at the moment, and the flat is a joint tenancy, so in a few minutes when I am calmer I am going to call his mum and just ask that she comes over to pick up some of his things, and maybe stay with me a little while as I do need a mum cuddle.

RE MH, I am really sorry if I’ve offended anyone when I said he has MH issues. I know that is never an excuse for violence, as I have struggled myself with trauma based MH problems from the relationship with my own mum.

I will update again when the police next call/come round. It hurts me a lot to even think this, but I am going to leave as soon as I can. Thank you everyone so much, seeing all these comments has made me cry because I’ve never received so much support before. Thank you xxx

Well I know you said don't tell you to ltb, but what other sensible advice is there?

Your life right now is not a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing and it's so short, you get one shot at it. Don't look back and regret spending your younger years not having fun, being with someone who makes you scared. Instead you should be with someone who makes you feel relaxed and be able to laugh at what to watch on TV. Or on your own enjoying life with friends.
When I look back I see my younger years as the best of my life. I was having fun, having safe flings, partying etc.. Not fearful of a 6ft man I live with.
This is only going to get worse. I don't know the actual stats but I think it's something like 3 women a week are killed by their partner, bet you don't think that will happen to you, well no one does.
Yes he has good bits but so will someone else, except they won't have these awful scary bits to go with it.
Like a pp said it's very rare that you bf in your early 20s are who you are with forever so what's the point. I look back and laugh/cringe at some of my exs but at least I can look back, you might not be so lucky if you stay with this fool.

I'm not a mum (yet), but if my younger sister told me this, I'd already be in the car on the way to pick her up (however far it was).

Consider other people's reactions to this - people don't call the police on a whim, yet TWO of your neighbours were worried enough to do that.
Also the fact that your friends don't like him is a bad sign - they know you best and want you to be happy, and they can see the damage this is doing.

Sorry I hadn't seen your update. I'm glad you're going! If you think he might be angry/violent when he gets home, make sure you're not there. "Stuff" is replaceable.

Well done, OP. Taking advice and then listening to it isn't easy. But as the mother of a 19yo DD I am glad to see you are leaving.

Is this what you want your life to be from now on, most likely with violence escalating over time and potentially doing you serious damage or death? Because by staying that is what will happen.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste any more time with this man. And perhaps give some thought to getting help with your own anger/ violence (“giving as good as you get”)

You are clearly bright as you are at uni. Don’t make a really stupid decision now

If you were my daughter? I’d be there with a moving van and all your mates and get you the fuck away! You do not tolerate any violence from someone you are in a relationship with. His mh problems are not yours to deal with. You should never have to apologise for things you didn’t do.
There are lots of wise women in here, many have had years of shit like this, some have seen the inside of hospital wards because of it.
In loco parentis- run like the wind!

Well done for making the first steps.

If you didn't, I could guarantee it would only get worse.

Just seen update. Well done. Now stay strong and do not cave when he tells you he’s sorry, that he loves, that he’ll change, that it’ll never happen again.