DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

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Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

Glad you’re getting out of it OP I can definitely recognise the cycle of abusive relationships, and I’ll just say that counseling really helped me, so maybe it’s something you would want to look into as well. x
And if you were my daughter I’d move heaven and earth to get you away from a man who’d hurt you.

I’m glad you have chosen to leave. If you were my daughter I would tell you that you are wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent and that you should be with a man who treats you as such. It is not EVER ok for someone to hit you (or put you down, or control your finances or stop you doing what you want). You deserve a man who props you up, makes you feel good and is a proper partner.

This guy is not good for you and if you stay together he will hurt you again and again. Each time it will be harder to leave because you forgave him this time. Leave now, suffer the bruised heart, move on and value yourself as highly as you deserve.

Also, get some counselling/anger management yourself, you've admitted you hit him back, two wrongs don't make a right and it's just asmuch abuse for you to be violent to him as it is him to you.

@AlmostAJillSandwich

Also, get some counselling/anger management yourself, you've admitted you hit him back, two wrongs don't make a right and it's just asmuch abuse for you to be violent to him as it is him to you.

oh fuck off @AlmostAJillSandwich "he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11" he could easily have killed her. OP you don't need anger management. You need a big hug and some help to work on your boundaries. Look in to Shark Cage and the Freedom Programme.

Please read Lundy Bancroft's book, 'why does he do that?' It will change your whole perspective on his mental illness. That you are worried he will turn this around a blame you for this is a huge red flag and tells you that all of your focus is on him and not wanting to 'set him off'. An argument should never get physical, if dosen't matter whether or no you started it (although I would ask you to also question that). You sound really isolated, but you can draw on strength that you have inside to get away from the situation before you have anything that makes it more difficult. The women's aid line is a good source of support and an ear to listen.

Whoop! So glad you've left, it will be hard but don't be tempted to talk to him, cut him off, he'll just try and mess with your mind. Goodluck.

Well done OP, you've absolutely made the right decision.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from age 17-18. My then boyfriend had mental health problems and I used it to excuse and justify his behaviour. As did he and his family. It's only many years later, with the benefit of hindsight, that I can see how truly awful it was. I cannot tell you the damage it has done to me. It still affects my life now, and I'm 36 and married with 2 kids.

You have done an amazing job in getting away. You are worth so much more than him. Don't ever forget that.

Op, mentally position yourself in that window. Look into those neighbours flats and imagine what you would have to actually witness that would make you take the step of picking up the phone and calling the police - not just you but also another neighbour saw the same and made the same decision that the police needed to be called.

Most casual observers need quite a lot before they will take the step of interfering and calling the police.

So, that tells me that what you are telling yourself went on and what really appeared to go on are very different. No one would ring the police because a bloke gave a bit of a shove and their girlfriend stumbled into a cabinet - much less two people.

Get some support, stay away and try to be honest with yourself. Good luck

Well done for having the strength to follow through. From the age of 21 I spent 4 years hoping a nieghbour would call the police when they heard/saw what was happening as I was so worried about his reaction if I tried or he ever found out i had called them. They neighbours never did make that call. I got out eventually but have his children and police never ended up involved. I've never revealed the extent of what happened within our home to anyone so to our family and within his perceptions because of his self denial I've never been abused. Your young, free and on a good path. Enjoy your youth and dont get sucked into the idea that toxic relationships are the equivalent to adulthood. Proud of you!

It sounds like counselling is a v important part of rehabilitation and recovery from this.

Where do we find the right kind of counsellor for this? Anybody know?

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/emotional-support-and-counselling/

Might be a good starting point.

I was in a very similar situation where witnesses saw/heard something at my flat and called the police. He was throwing stuff around as he was angry and had mental health problems

My partner wasn't charged. We carried on together but he blamed me for the incident and all arguments going forward had to be quiet or I couldn't shout back as it would all be my fault. He always used his mental health issues as an excuse for his behaviour.

Fast forward two years and his behaviour became so much worse over time. I also said it just being push around - it's not violence. But then he started throwing things at me. And last straw was in a public place where he tried to physically man handle me to force me against my will to take me home.

I eventually left but with hindsight I would have gone 2/3 years earlier.

You are so young to be wasting your life on a relationship that isn't right or not being treated well.

He is much bigger than you and yet feels comfortable pushing you around. He snaps. One day he might snap and kill you. You need to grow up and be honest with yourself. You need to leave him.

I would tell my child to LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE OP.

Sorry- posted before I read your update!! Well done OP for doing the right thing! I was in an abusive relationship when I was 21 and when I finally left him I felt so guilty as well- I PROMISE YOU that guilt is only very temporary and it will pass!! Please stay strong and I’m sending you a “mum hug” 💐💐💐

I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart.

This will sound patronising but I honestly don’t want it to. I was you once, but aged 38.

I can tell you now that what you’re feeling ISNT love, it’s addiction. You’re addicted to the idea that he can be that wonderful person you met, the one who made you feel super special super fast... the one who seemed to share all your ideas and goals.

My love, that was his ploy. To mirror you, to love bomb you until he had you where he wanted you; vulnerable.

This is what happened when you moved in together? You noticed the change then? Because he’s got you hooked and he knows it.

The police should offer you resources and support to keep him away from you. Use them. Help them and make sure he is gone from your life. Even though it’s the opposite of what your addiction of him wants, you have to do this. If he’s this violent this quickly, you’re at extreme risk of serious/permanent injury or even death.

Do not become the victim in another news story, get out of that place, lose all contact with him, this is the only way you can get through this.

Just saw the update! Huge well done!! Please keep posting, we know you’ll find lots of things hard to deal with, we know you’ll wobble, but many of us have been through similar and can help, especially because we don’t have the toxic relationship poison running through our veins anymore. Please be kind to yourself

Thank god your dad is such a good egg! You’re lucky to have him!

Have a great day

Also OP- read about Attachment verses Love- there is a real difference x

I havent read the whole thread,but I can Imagine that most of the posts here tell you what I'm about to.

I left an abusive relationship 3 years ago after a very traumatic and violent attack. It took me a while to realise I was in an abusive relationship, my friends could see it though. I also spent alot of time justifying his behaviours and blaming myself.

At best you're in a toxic relationship, at worst an abusive one. Both have the capacity to ruin your life, the latter has the potential to end your life too.

One thing I will say the first time they lay a hand on you in anger is never the last.

Do you know, on average how many women in the UK alone die at the hands of domestic violence, dont try to kid yourself that he isnt perpetrator of DV, he is, approx 105 a year. So on average, aound 2 a week. None of those women thought their bf or husbands would do it again either after the first time.

The fact that your neighbours reported what they had witnessed should tell you that, from an outside perspective it isnt normal or acceptable within what should be a loving, healthy relationship.

I can tell you that I decided to press charges, the cps didnt give me the option not but I wanted to anyway. They released him with an order not to contact me, which he did but that's a whole other story. They also made it clear it would go to court with or without my cooperation. As I said, I cooperated all the way as I knew if I didnt it wouldnt end well for me. I didnt want to be murdered in my own home at some point down the line.

Anyway it took me 3 years to get my life back,to put the pieces together and a whole shed load of therapy, I stayed in the relationship too long you see. The damage had been done.

Oh btw mental health issues is not his free pass to treat you like shit. I should know, I've been left with PTSD and I still dont treat others like crap.

If this was my child, I would point out that if he is getting physical in what should be the honeymoon phase of a relationship, then it will only ever get worse. He hurts you once in temper, he will do it again. Your 21, have no ties to him and you should be enjoying this last year at uni before real life sets in.

Your already terrified he'll blame you for this. The warning signs are there. Bin him off and find someone who loves and respects you. Don't stay, have children or morgages with him otherwise it will be ten years down the line, you'll be so downtrodden with low self esteem and babies forever tied to him. Please don't do it, you deserve so much more from life.

Also remember that abusers are never 100 percent an arsehole. If they were no one would put up with their shit. They do the nice times as a minipulation tactic to show you what it could be like if you "didn't misbehave and piss me off." And yes I'm speaking as someone who wasted six of her best years on one such arsehole. Don't be me. You will never get these days back, and you have so mich time to settle down and find the one.

Please do yourself a favour and leave him. Youll look back in ten years and breath a sigh of relief

Just read your leaving him. Good. Be strong block him on everything. You can do this! I don't know what his mum is like but be careful there as hes her son and likely she may back him (bitter experience). Im pleased your doing this though, you deserve far more than the crumbs hes throwing you

Just finished reading the thread. Late as ever lol. You are amazing OP. Sending a proud mum hug your way

You are very brave op and I'm so pleased you have decided to break the cycle at your young age. Well done. Would love to hug you x

How are you doing, OP?