DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

[unsure141]

Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

Didn’t see your update. Good lass! Stay strong. He will try and get you back. Don’t listen.

My DD is much younger than you but if she was in your situation I would do everything in my power to get her as far away from this vile man as possible.

You need to leave him. You are scared of him. He assaults you.

You need to leave and then get some help to understand why you love a man who is so vile to you.

You can't fix his MH problems or his temper. This will only get worse as time goes on. You should be in the blissed out, happy, honeymoon phase after only 9 months - not having a row that escalates into assault over what to watch on Netflix ffs.

Also, many, many people have significant MH problems and do not assault their partners. His MH is not an excuse for this. You know that, right?

This WILL get worse. He won't change.

Do you want to be on MN in 10 years time posting for advice because this boyfriend has tried to strangle you in front of your kids? Thinking about how to get him out of the house you own together, how to protect your kids from their dad's "temper" aka abuse?

It's a hell of a lot easier to get out now than before this relationship goes any further.

Sorry OP cross posted with your update! Good on you!

Has he been released yet? I would try to have someone there (anyone you feel you can trust) when you think he is returning.

Love is not enough. If you could win someone around, make them be good to you, through your love alone, most women would not be in abusive relationships. Someone who loves you doesn't physically hurt you; not ever. Certainly if love was enough, I would have had a different life at points.

He has shown you, more than once now, what he thinks of you. You are worth less than a friend who he wouldn't attack, less than a tutor who he wouldn't attack... No matter how much you love him, you will not be able to change that. Someone who attacks you has a fundamental lack of respect for you.

He pushed you onto the sofa and into the cupboards because he got angry about what to watch.

I’m going to repeat that, he physically assaulted you and lost control because of a tv programme.

Now imagine what he would be like under real stress. Imagine it’s five years down the line, he already knows that you don’t leave him when he gets physical, he’s just lost his job, you suggest watching tv - but it’s okay, you’ve learnt to let him have his own way, so you suggest watching what he wants to watch - but he wanted a more sympathetic reaction. He gets angry and does serious damage to you. You don’t call the police because you think they’ll just say you should have left before.

You are really early in a relationship, the first year is supposed to be nothing but good bits. It’s supposed to be fun and light and easy. You’ve not even been together a year and he thinks it’s acceptable to physically assault you.

I know you’ll say “he doesn’t think it’s acceptable, he’s sorry” but you have to learn to look at his actions. What he does is the truth. If he does it he thinks it is acceptable. This is not a one off. He thinks he can assault you. He will be sorry, then later he’ll only be sorry when he beats you up, then later than that it will be your fault that he beats you up, and you will be the one saying you’re sorry.

This is not how love works. Yes of course there are good times, every abusive relationship has brilliant moments in it. Every single one. But if I made you the most perfect cup of tea - exactly how you like it - and added one small spoonful of dogshit, would you still drink it? Or would you see how it tainted the whole thing?

Please leave him. This is not what love looks like. Dh would never and has never made me feel afraid of him. Not for one second. He has never poked or pushed or shoved me. Never. There is no going back once it happens. You need support.

The Freedom Programme could help you too

Also if I was his mum I'd be fucking disgusted by his behaviour and I would certainly want to support you in removing him from the flat. I hope his mum is the same

I took so long writing my post that we xposted.

That is FABULOUS news @unsure141 well done! I’m so impressed with how well you’ve taken all this in. You are incredibly strong to be making the decision to move on and do what is right for you.

Be careful of relying too much on his mum. She will be supporting him and not you when it comes down to it. I know that’s hard. We are always here if you need us.

Keep going! I’m so proud of you!

The fact that your scared of how he's going to react when he comes home just says it all really.
Hoping one day you will realise.

Well done, you're definitely doing the right thing. I was in almost exactly the same position when I was 18 and was too embarrassed to call my own mum. I turned to his mum too so you're not the first person to do it. She took me in and looked after me for a couple of days while I built up the courage to speak to my mum. I hope she gives you the support that you need until you work out what to do xx

Well done, op! The hard thing will be staying away. He will probably try anything to get you back. Also as pp says, do not expect his mum to be there for you. She will be protecting her son, and depending on her character, she may be looking to blame you.

If he becomes physically dominating over an argument about Netflix how do you think he's going to be when you face actual issues together in life?

You're worried about his reaction and his meds - do you want to have this worry every time something happens in life on top of your own stress?

It will only escalate.

Sorry, the thread moved on before I hit send.

Well done OP. Stay strong.

I'm glad you've decided to go.

In terms of practicalities, I'd suggest you phone the police to tell them about his medication - either you could drop it in or they could get a doctor to organise it.

Well done OP, I just wanted to share that I was in your situation a few years ago and it started out with pushing/shoving ect over stupid stuff and it very quickly escalated over the years until I was seriously physically assaulted, he was arrested and charged. It took me a while to leave him but four years later it’s the best thing I have done and I can look back and realise how bad it was and not make excuses for him. Good luck.

@unsure141 so glad to read your latest update. Be brave, it’s not easy finding your way out of the fog that abuse creates. Get help with this, as others have said use the university services and Women’s Aid etc.

Honestly, it’s not really love.

You love the idealised version of him, when he’s being nice. Occasionally bursts of really good bits interspersed with really horrible bits including physical violence isn’t the basis for a long and happy relationship. You need to end it now.

You mentioned an abusive parent. This doesn’t have to be your life, living for those crumbs of kindness someone might throw in your direction.

There’s really no rush to settle for the first person that gives you some positive attention. I had several long term relationships before I got married in my forties.

You’re only 21. You have years ahead to meet lots of interesting new people and find someone who loves and respects you 100% of the time. Don’t settle for anything less, there’s no need to.

He isn't in a cold cell, they have heating and he will be fed and watered.

And the fact he is there is entirely his own fault. Not yours, not the people who were so concerned for your safety they rang the police, not the Police. 100% his fault. He is probably lying there feeling sorry for himself and thinking he should have shut the curtains.

I would tell my daughter or son to leave, this is no life for you.

I'd tell my daughter to do exactly what you're doing, to be brave and to block him from every aspect of her life. I've been where you are - my ex is on bail at the moment. They'll try anything to win you back and it's all lies. Everything you allow or they get away with gives them the confidence to push a bit further. He will escalate his behaviour. MH issues are a red herring - they always have an excuse - but fundamentally he believes he has the right to behave like this. He does not. Stay strong, remember what he's done every time you feel sorry for him, and remember that if you go back after the this, the next time you try to leave it will be twice as hard and you may be physically injured.

Wow. Please listen to ALL the mums here who have taken the time to read and offer you help. Just do it. I love him to death is something you are telling yourself because he is the closest thing you have right now as you said there is no one else. It will take a lot of courage but it will change your future. I won't repeat how.. All the mums here have told you. Do it.

I'd tell my daughter to leave ASAP. He is violent, he won't change and you really don't deserve to live like this.

You're absolutely doing the right thing by leaving. In 10/20/30 years' time, the future you will be so grateful to the current you for doing this. Just keep going and don't lose your resolve. Best of luck to you.

Why do you think his mum will be sympathetic to you? She’s most likely going to minimise it. You need to ring some one that’s got your back.

When he’s booked into the police station they will ask if he’s on medication/risk of hurting himself etc and they will arrange for him to see someone.

He’s pushing you around, I don’t think you mentioned if he physically hit you, but he will. You said you gave as good as you got. That doesn’t make it right, if anything it’s a toxic relationship. Your friends don’t like him, because they can see he’s a nasty piece of shit. If you end up pregnant to this man you will spend the next 20 years tied to this man, you child will see the relationship between mum and dad as violent and will be more likely to accept that within their own adult relationships.

You can do so much better. Pack a bag and don’t go back. This is your chance to go. Stay with a friend, block his number. Speak to the uni they should be able to arrange support. Good luck.

Tell your friends and ask them for help.

If you are in your final year do you have 1 year left or have you graduated? Can you access help from the University?