DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

[unsure141]

Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

I think you are set up for a life of rows and recriminations , he has a short fuse . Just because you don't always behave well yourself doesn't mean you should think its ok for him to push you or get overly aggressive , even if you were the first person to start the argument. Mental health isn't an excuse .

OK, if you were my daughter I would be saying please don't stay with a man who thinks it's ok to push you. You are much smaller than he is, for a start. And in my experience, what starts as pushing, could one day in the future, end in a punch.
You say your friends think he's an arse, you agree, but say they don't see the nicer side of him. Why don't they? Most people in abusive relationships say their abuser hides the horrible side from outsiders. Abusive manipulative people will do something nasty, then manipulate you by being loving, contrite, etc., so you won't leave.
If you were my daughter, I would be scared for you. There are men out there who would NEVER hurt you. Who would treat you with love and care and respect. Who your friends would like. Who would give you a happy life. Please leave this man.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to.
An abusive DP is not a substitute for a support network. You are young. Make friends, build bridges with your family.

My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship)
In my experience, friends do not comment about boyfriends until you split up. If they are saying he's an arse it is because he is well and truly a cnut.

I am glad to see that you have packed him a bag. Please do ring his Mum.

I would ask you this, how many other people has he pushed around when angry? Any of his friends? Any lecturers? Waiters in restaurants? Randoms on the street? Or just you? Have a think about that.

I know you love him, but it isn't enough for either of you. It is not enough for this relationship. As someone on here once said, if someone gave you a cup of tea that have a dollop of shit in it, you wouldn't drink it and say to yourself well it's 95% tea and only 5% shit would you? It may be the best damn tea in the world but the shit spoils all of it.

If you were my daughter, I would be telling you that this isn't normal, that people don't shove people physically to get their own way. This is to make you live in fear. Relationships shouldn't involve anyone physically attacking or being attacked. You deserve better, more kindness not just some of the time, but all of the time. I would want to ask you why you think you are not worth more. Then I would squash you into a really long hug and tell you there are millions of men out there. Dump this one.

I was you, but twenty years ago (I'm 40 now). I stayed a further 3yrs. I wish I left and ended things from the first time he started on me. I'm so glad you're thinking of ending things. Please please do. And tell your friends/your landlord/the uni what has happened - get help and don't be ashamed of anything. Don't get suckered in by him. None of this is your fault, none at all. And - trust me - he will continue to move the goal posts as to what will keep him happy with you. You already say that you're terrified of what he'll do if he thinks that the neighbours calling the police will somehow be your fault. Also, him using mental health problems as an excuse to be abusive to you is not on at all - I know plenty of people with MH probs who would never act in that way (even if they don't take their meds on time). Tell the police you don't want him back and tell his parents too.

Take back your life, your safety and your freedom. Believe me, it's a wonderful feeling knowing that you could be yourself and not be treading on eggshells as to how his mood will be. You deserve better.

I sound ancient, but I guess I'm old enough to be your mother....therefore here are some virtual hugs from someone who has been through similar crap. You're a bright girl, you have good friends, and neighbours who care enough to act on what they saw. I wish you all the very best. xx

PS I loved the exBF too....thought that if I only did xyz, then he wouldn't get angry with me. I thought I could be the one to change him blah blah.

OP it was good to see your update and that you've packed his things for him to leave. You might want to look at getting a restraining order in place to prevent him from coming back to the property. Women's Aid can help with advice on this.

Secondly, please get some counselling to try and help you understand the effect that your upbringing has had on you and your expectations of a relationship or the pattern absolutely will repeat itself in the future. Abusive men are very good at finding vulnerable women. These books are not a substitute for therapy but are very good reads for helping you to see things a bit more clearly: "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft has been recommended by previous pp and is an excellent book for outlining the types of abuser and why some men abuse women (physically and/or emotionally). There is another useful book which might help you called "Complex PTSD - From surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker and outlines the effect of abuse on children and as they grown into adulthood.

Time and again on here you will see posts saying things like "DP is great 90% of the time, loving, charming, kind, funny etc but every now and again he yells vile abuse at me or he hits me. He's always sorry afterwards/said I made him do it. I don't want to leave him and throw away all the good stuff we have together most of the time. If only he wouldn't xxxx me it would be perfect..." There is no offset mechanism here. You don't get to abuse someone because most of the time you treat them well. It's like the shit sandwich analogy. If I made you your favourite sandwich but told you I'd put just a smidgen of dogshit in there, you wouldn't eat it, would you? The correct amount of shit in a sandwich is zero. The correct amount of abuse in a relationship is zero. This is not about irritating behaviour that we all learn to tolerate just as our partners tolerate ours (like leaving the loo seat up or the lid off the toothpaste.) Abuse destroys the fundamentals of a good and healthy relationship: love, respect, trust, feeling safe and your sense of self. It creates fear so that you feel like you are walking on eggshells and have to constantly be on the alert about what you say or do. Stay strong and don't take this guy back no matter what he says, no matter how sorry he says he is. He will only be sorry because he now has to invest time and effort in finding someone else to tolerate his behaviour. You cannot fix him. I hope his mother helps you but please be very wary if she makes excuses for him, or minimizes his behaviour or says things like "It sounds like you were both as bad as each other!"

Please for your own sake, put yourself and your well being first. Focus on getting yourself some counselling (as an aside never undertake joint relationship counselling where there is abuse in a relationship) and therapy. I don't know if you've got finals coming up but if you do, it might be best to leave this til after.

I'm so sorry your parents can't or won't be there for you but you've had some really good solid advice on here. Hope it all works out for you.

If she asked me, I'd tell her to leave him.
I'd suggest she read around domestic violence and see what warning signs there are about continuing this relationship.
I'd be afraid that things would get worse if she had a mind to leave and he knew that.

It wouldn't be hard and you wouldn't need advice if there weren't great parts, but the key to the future IMO is that life is sometimes hard and you need someone who is not abusive to you and who has your back to thrive. Its not about the amount of physical injuries you have. This is not right.

It is not normal to push a partner in a relationship or for you to fear their reaction in this way. I am so glad the neighbour/police were so proactive for someone they don't know. It really heartens me. Your partner might pull the curtains next time.

Leave him. It will only get worse. If he's behaving like this at 21 - over something as trivial as what to watch on television - what will he be like in a month, in six months, in a year.

Get some support from your university student union and/or your university health or counselling service.

The university will have some emergency accommodation they can move you into.

Leave while you can. Don't you deserve better?

This should be a wake up call to you. You are dismissing this lightly yet someone else saw this and felt it necessary to report

Walk away.

Glad you're leaving. Leave and stay left!

My friend was murdered by her boyfriend. She was bolshy, feisty - no one suspected things weren't good between them. I'm willing to bet she gave as good as she got too, until he killed her. He then took his own life - coward.

Don't become a statistic.

Does he assault/push housemates? His lecturers? His mother or sisters or other family? Random strangers on the street?

If not, he can control this, he chooses to assault you and every time confirms you accept this.

It won't get better.

You won't like it but good for the police and good for your housemates/the people who reported this.

Find someone who deserves you and improve your understanding of the good you deserve.

Good luck.

I would tell my daughter to leave her abusive relationship.
Good men do not push their partners or get physical with them EVER.
This will escalate and one day he might kill you.

Get out now while you have no ties to him.

Oh lovely, you can do better than him. Please pack a bag and stay with some friends until you can get somewhere else. You deserve more than this abusive arse.

I have two young adult daughters. I'd be out off the front door and on my way to get them within seconds if they told me this has happened.

As a pp said, love will not keep you safe. And if he does this over a TV programme what would a really stressful situation do to him?

If two separate neighbours called the police, this wasn't just a shove. It must have been a very dramatic assault.

I know someone who is in a similar situation to you, and she won’t walk either because she loves him, though she really needs too.
My advice is please please walk away from this before it gets any worse. At the moment it’s just pushing around, but one day he might snap and you won’t be so lucky.
Deep down I think you know you need to go but your listening to your heart, don’t! listen to your gut instinct and walk away!

I don't have a daughter but I do gave a 20 year old son. I would be picking him up and getting him the hell out.

The best pieces of advice I can give you are a) relationships are supposed to be fun and happy. Of course you will gave bad time, everybody does but the good times should outweigh the bad and b) love is a verb. A doing word. It's not just words or a feeling- it's actions. You show someone you love them with your actions. Pushing and someone is not a loving action.

You are worth SO much more.

Think about what it would take for you to call the police about something you witnessed. It would have to be pretty bad, right? Other people were so concerned by what they saw they called. That is the objective test-a stranger is so concerned about your welfare they are calling the police. Please think about that.
You're in danger. It's as simple as that. This will escalate. The violence will get worse. You will become trapped, either by finances, children or just pure terror.
So run away. Now. Run to one of your supportive friends and never speak to him again.
I'm a mother and I would say this to my child (as I drove her to the police station to make a statement before taking her home with me). I'm also an ex-prosecutor. Things dont get better. Some men are simply not worth your time.
I'm so sorry you're in this position, but please please please leave now, while you still can.

You come across as one of life's nurturing carers, op, which is
a lovely thing to be, the world needs people like you.

But you owe it to yourself, if no one else, to be wise who you
put your efforts and caring towards, some people will take advantage
of your kindly nature.
Right now your caring needs to be about yourself, not the abusive boyfriend. Let his mother take care of him, and you take care of yourself.

You're making a good start by leaving him, but make sure to armour yourself against his trying to wheedle his way back.

You're a strong young woman, start as you mean to go on in life and close the door on this abusive man for good - forever.
Your future is going to be so much better without him in it.
Take care of yourself, op. All the very best to you.

Leave. Don't let this be your life.

You are lucky that you have no real ties to him. Do not leave it too late.

Run.

I’m so pleased you have good neighbours. This intervention might have saved future-you’d life.

Read back what you wrote and think about the fact that your main concern was his feelings.

OP please bear in mind that 2 separate, independent people thought that what they saw was bad enough that they actually called the police. They saw it through their eyes, for the violence that it is.

Please contact your uni welfare, please get out. Please value your welfare as highly as the strangers who called the police!

Please don't waste yourself and your life on this person who treats you badly. It will only get worse. You have no commitment to him, you have no ties to him, you can find someone so much better who treats you well. You will suffer years of abuse which will escalate if you stay with him. Please, in the kindest possible way, rethink and value yourself much more highly by leaving him.

OP I do hope you get out of this relationship. I'm so sorry you don't have any parental support. I went through the same in my late/teens early 20s, but was also pregnant at the time. I'd be devastated if my daughter was going through this and yes, I'd be doing all I could to help her get out of it and to give her a safe place.

Please turn to a friend/tutor/Womens Aid/Refuge for support. Do NOT stay or make excuses for him. This is not healthy and you deserve better. The abuse towards you will just escalate.

LEAVE HIM

LEAVE HIM

LEAVE HIM.

You're 21 for fuck's sake. Don't do this to yourself. Don't WASTE 3-4 years on a man 'with a spiteful temper' before either finally leaving anyway once you simply can't take any more, or worse, getting pregnant and ending up in a long term fucked up violent relationship with fucked up kids to boot.

I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart

You don't. You didn't know he existed before ten months ago. That's all. What you are caught up in is drama and the early stages of a relationship where it's SUPPOSED to be heart fluttering, but what you have (already) is the crap rollercoaster of love bomb love bomb then explosion, then love bomb sorrys.

It's a rubbish way to live. Anyone on here who has ended up with a knob head like this 'with a spiteful temper' can tell you.

Yours isn't different. He's just your run of the mill abusive man.

Please get rid, have sense and get rid before you wreck what should be the best, freeest time of your life.

Have