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Original poster

Just expressed to DH that no, he can't take DCs for a walk whilst on holiday.

300 replies

Spatime · 27/07/2020 11:59

Sat here crying at this situation.
We're on holiday and I'm unwell (stomach related). DH has said he's going to take our 2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk.
I nodded and got back in bed, before a wave of panic came over me. He can't actually watch them when we're somewhere different. Every family day trip, outing so far has been me keeping the kids safely in tow whilst DH stares, dreamily at the landscape, the sea, the mountains. Each time I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one DC is on the loose, or wandering off in the distance, unnoticed by DH who continues to watch the boats go by.
He is a complete dreamer and appears to walk around in a daze. He's much better if he's somewhere he knows well, afterall he has to watch them for one day a week whilst I work, although he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting.
The way I feel hadn't really dawned on me, other than feeling irritable when we're all out together and I'm watching the kids and saying "come here" "no don't do that" etc etc whilst DH is in a daze.
DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.
I probably am a little overprotective- I anticipate plenty of responses telling me this is my problem and my anxiety (to a degree perhaps) but genuinely, DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen, but this hugely impacts my trust for him when it comes to the children. A year ago, I thought about leaving him (other reasons) and I'm thinking now that my trust for him when the kids are in his care partly held me back.

I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt before shutting the door and walking out of the room. I can hear that they are still in the apartment so I don't think he's taken them, but I feel really upset at the conversation I've felt I've needed to have with him and also at the revelation, that actually, I don't trust him to look after the children when he's somewhere new.
I'm expecting responses to include me being "controlling" but I'd love nothing more than to be able to lie here, relax and concentrate on myself whilst the DCs have a lovely day with a fully engaged other-parent.

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 27/07/2020 17:16

only arguably? One parent stopping the other taking the children outside the house is as abusive and controllling as it gets.

I mean, obviously it doesn’t count here, because it’s a woman. But it should still give the OP pause for thought

Thisismytimetoshine · 27/07/2020 17:22

Have you any evidence that he's let the kids be in danger when they're in his sole care? Or does he just zone out when you're there since you're already keeping them on a tight rein. At face value, you are being worryingly controlling, arguably to a level that's abusive.
I agree.
A constant stream of "Come here", "Don't do that" sounds ridiculously stressful and tedious and I can imagine op's dh thinking there's nothing he could possibly add to the situation by joining in.

GoldenOmber · 27/07/2020 17:24

@thedancingbear

only arguably? One parent stopping the other taking the children outside the house is as abusive and controllling as it gets.

I mean, obviously it doesn’t count here, because it’s a woman. But it should still give the OP pause for thought

Do you not think it’s a teensy bit relevant that her reasoning is “he wants to take the small children to a harbour and he does not watch them closely enough to prevent one of them falling in”? If she’s right then that does make a bit of a difference, no?
thedancingbear · 27/07/2020 17:24

No.

VenusTiger · 27/07/2020 17:25

Oh wow! OP, how do you know what your DH is like when he's alone with your children? you don't - poor bloke! He only dreams because you're probably freaking out every minute of the day, so by the sounds of it, he needs a form of escape - just chill out, he's a grown man - he can hold the 5yr olds hand, or get them some reigns and carry the 3yr old or better still, a pram with a foot plate for the 5yr old.
He acts like that because he knows you're doing all the chasing and minding - let him do it or your kids won't have any respect for him.

sonjadog · 27/07/2020 17:27

If he is looking after them one day a week and nothing has ever happened to them, then he can't be all that incompetent. It may well be that he zones out when you are around as a tactic to deal with you controlling everything. I do that myself around people I find rather overbearing. I think YABVU here.

GoldenOmber · 27/07/2020 17:28

@thedancingbear

No.
Okay. So assume for a minute that some parent, somewhere, doesn’t have to be this one, actually is this useless at watching their own children. But wants to take them to a harbour anyway. What do you think the child’s other parent should do in that situation? “On you go, darling, have fun!” and pray like hell that the toddler will float?
MintyMabel · 27/07/2020 17:36

Is it the first time you’ve accused him of being a shit dad?

Serin · 27/07/2020 17:42

How has it got to this situation?
If he minds them one day a week, even with his mother present on some of the days, then he is clearly more capable than you give him credit for.
TBH I would "switch off" as well if I had someone continually undermining me. your children don't sound particularly well behaved when they are with you either OP, you look away for one second and they disappear? maybe you aren't as shit hot at parenting as you think you are OP.

Wtfdoipick · 27/07/2020 17:42

DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen

I also find it odd that friends would comment on him being in a dream world but it isn't my understanding of zen either, if someone used that word I would assume calm and unflappable.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/07/2020 17:45

If this was the other way round and a woman was posting here that her dh didnt trust her with their small children and didnt let her take them.out alone there would be an outcry about coercive control and abusive behaviour.
He is their father and is as responsible for them as you are.
If he left you, the children would be visiting him regularly and you wouldn't have a clue what he was doing with them

Pikachubaby · 27/07/2020 17:49

Sorry but I think the problem is your anxiety

He’s a functioning human, he can (and will) look after his own kids

You were in the wrong here

You need to figure out a way to deal with your anxiety

GoldenOmber · 27/07/2020 17:50

He is their father and is as responsible for them as you are.

Yes but what if he actually IS shit at watching them when they’re in new places, though?Some parents honestly do just let their small children wander off and not watch them at all. This does actually happen.

FourPlasticRings · 27/07/2020 17:51

I do get it, OP. My DH isn't a daydreamer but he does walk slowly behind my two year old and isn't proactive about risk management. So he'll let her pull ahead in the shops and she'll run out at a T-junction and risk being mowed down by a trolley. Or he'll let her run towards rocks and risk her falling and bashing her head on them. It's tough. But nothing bad has happened to her on his watch yet, and maybe I'm too much of a helicopter parent. I think, whether you like it or not, he's got parental responsibility and you've not got the power to take that from him. Could you put the kids in wrist reins and ask him to use them if you're worried about the large bodies of water?

DuckonaBike · 27/07/2020 17:51

Do you have reins for the younger one? It would reassure you and would help keep them safer. I think others have suggested this too.

Gre8scott · 27/07/2020 17:53

What happens if you die? You cannot control your husbands parenting skills you basically arent letting him be a dad

KeepingPlain · 27/07/2020 18:14

Oh FGS! If your DH is incapable of looking after his children then why on earth did you have 3 of them with him?

I agree with this, although I believe it'd just two children.

You knew he was a dreamer, he does it everywhere, he even does it at work. So he's effectively useless for a lot of the day because he's never paying attention.

It's your problem now. You decided to still have kids with him. He'll have been like that before you had kids, not like he randomly changed. Kids would never make him change. Deal with the problem. You're going to have to babysit him for their lives until they are old enough to look after themselves. No point complaining about it, you chose that as your life. Crack on with it and leave him once the kids are capable by themselves and don't need a parent around for common sense.

MNX42 · 27/07/2020 18:32

I sympathise OP. I used to consider divorcing my DH, but the thought of leaving the children in his sole care for any length of time stopped me. One child lost in a shopping centre, the other left in a hot car while he watched the rugby in the house, various accidents, eg bringing the boot hatch down on DD head. His standard response? "I didn't do it deliberately" as if that made it OK then. Even as teenagers, several times he arranged to pick one up from an activity or night out, only for them to phone me asking "where's dad?" and I would have to go and pick them up as he'd gone to the wrong place and never had his phone on him, or the battery was dead. But of course he "didn't do it deliberately". Fortunately they're adults now, and DH and I actually get on really well when he's not in a position to kill, maim or injure one of our children.

StatementKnickers · 27/07/2020 18:32

I don't know why my comment was deleted. It is abusive of the OP to deliberately stand in the way of her husband and children enjoying time together. If someone posted on here that her male DP wouldn't let her take the DCs out without him and said she couldn't be trusted etc, everyone would be screaming control, abuse, LTB and do the freedom programme etc etc. If I were her DH I would leave - seems like that would be his best chance of getting time alone with his own children.

ittakes2 · 27/07/2020 18:36

I suspect it’s a case that he doesn’t ever think about looking after the kids when you are out - because he knows if you are there you will step up every time. Suggest he take them to a park rather than the harbour

Bluegrass · 27/07/2020 18:37

Not sure why the harbour is being seen as particularly relevant here. Is the risk of a child drowning in the harbour considerably higher than the risk of them stepping off a pavement and being hit by a car, or running across a road without looking?

Feels like a bit of a red herring to suggest that going to the harbour is a high risk activity but if he wanted to take them for a walk which went near a busy road she’d be fine with it.

puzzledpiece · 27/07/2020 18:44

My exH was similar and had absolutely no idea my 2 yo DD couldn't climb up two steps which were bigger than her little legs. He didn't look are supervise properly, any idiot could she she was too small. She tripped forward and smashed her two front teeth out.

Maybe ask your DH just to take one child at a time.

Lweji · 27/07/2020 18:55

Unlike some pps, the OP doesn't seem to have examples of parental neglect other than he has his head in the clouds when she's in charge.

MitziK · 27/07/2020 19:12

@FourPlasticRings

I do get it, OP. My DH isn't a daydreamer but he does walk slowly behind my two year old and isn't proactive about risk management. So he'll let her pull ahead in the shops and she'll run out at a T-junction and risk being mowed down by a trolley. Or he'll let her run towards rocks and risk her falling and bashing her head on them. It's tough. But nothing bad has happened to her on his watch yet, and maybe I'm too much of a helicopter parent. I think, whether you like it or not, he's got parental responsibility and you've not got the power to take that from him. Could you put the kids in wrist reins and ask him to use them if you're worried about the large bodies of water?
'DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there'

'I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt'

'he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting'

By the sounds of the OP's attitude towards her husband, she'd need a third set to put on him as well if she can't get his Mum to babysit him for the day.

Thisismytimetoshine · 27/07/2020 19:16

'DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there'
This hyperbolic comment alone should tell you how seriously op's fear of her dh's incompetency should be taken.
Pure nonsense.