Just expressed to DH that no, he can't take DCs for a walk whilst on holiday.

[Spatime]

Sat here crying at this situation.
We're on holiday and I'm unwell (stomach related). DH has said he's going to take our 2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk.
I nodded and got back in bed, before a wave of panic came over me. He can't actually watch them when we're somewhere different. Every family day trip, outing so far has been me keeping the kids safely in tow whilst DH stares, dreamily at the landscape, the sea, the mountains. Each time I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one DC is on the loose, or wandering off in the distance, unnoticed by DH who continues to watch the boats go by.
He is a complete dreamer and appears to walk around in a daze. He's much better if he's somewhere he knows well, afterall he has to watch them for one day a week whilst I work, although he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting.
The way I feel hadn't really dawned on me, other than feeling irritable when we're all out together and I'm watching the kids and saying "come here" "no don't do that" etc etc whilst DH is in a daze.
DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.
I probably am a little overprotective- I anticipate plenty of responses telling me this is my problem and my anxiety (to a degree perhaps) but genuinely, DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen, but this hugely impacts my trust for him when it comes to the children. A year ago, I thought about leaving him (other reasons) and I'm thinking now that my trust for him when the kids are in his care partly held me back.

I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt before shutting the door and walking out of the room. I can hear that they are still in the apartment so I don't think he's taken them, but I feel really upset at the conversation I've felt I've needed to have with him and also at the revelation, that actually, I don't trust him to look after the children when he's somewhere new.
I'm expecting responses to include me being "controlling" but I'd love nothing more than to be able to lie here, relax and concentrate on myself whilst the DCs have a lovely day with a fully engaged other-parent.

[LolaSmiles]

She hasn't actually given any reason to be concerned of him alone with the children
Exactly and she seems fine to leave him to look after his own children for a day a week it feels very much like picking and choosing when he might be good enough.

[ReggaetonLente]

DH can be like this. He is just so careless. He knows it too but he says he just doesn't notice things that could be dangerous to our 2yo DD. The other day he actually walked into her in the park and knocked her over because he was so busy staring at a bloody electric bike. He's walked out in front of cars with the pram, let go of her hand in car parks, let her run off into the sea because he's taking photos of the view. He cannot seem to do two things at once.

I feel the same as you OP and i hate it. All the people saying nothing bad has happened yet - it only takes the one time for all your lives to be changed irreparably. I wouldn't risk my children's safety to save his fucking feelings.

[Coyoacan]

All these perfect mothers posting here who have never, ever lost a child or had an accident happen to a child under their watch. I feel extremely sorry for your husbands.

You set your husbands up to fail and then complain when he doesn't help.

But it is not just your husbands you are setting up to fail, it is your sons too. They are being taught from the moment they draw breath that men are not designed to look after children.

[MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously]

Everyone has accidents, but you decrease the chances if you don't routinely lose sight of your kids on beaches/in shops and if you watch them by roads and other dangerous places.

[Eeeeeeeok]

OP could be being controlling due to anxiety. But equally I'm inclined to belive she knows what she is talking about regarding her own husband. I often see men, I assume fathers out with small kids letting them do things which seem stupid and dangerous. I also see fathers often letting children wander way further than I or my friends who are mums would feel comfortable. So I don't know in the balance of probability. @Spatime you probably know what you're talking about and that's not acceptable from your dh.

[Coyoacan]

I often see men, I assume fathers out with small kids letting them do things which seem stupid and dangerous

So you are in favour of men not minding their own children?

[Spatime]

Thank you for all the responses.
I guess me saying yesterday that nothing had "happened" before, was specifically meaning nothing serious.
I've observed him today at the farm and watched him take our youngest (just turned 3, a runner) off his reigns and gave him the 'lead' bit to hold himself as he was kicking off. I then stood back as DC2 just ran off into the distance holding his own reigns. DH didn't notice, I waited to see how long it would take DH to notice whilst watching DC2 run off. DH noticed, looked back at me and laughed, waiting for me to retrieve him again. I ran infront briskly then to catch him.
So no, nothing terrible has happened before, but I can see on a regular, daily basis that he needs to act quicker and be more aware of risks.
He has no awareness of risk at all.
He is fine with one DC at a time I've found. He just can not multitask taking care of 2 in a public place.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

Idiotic parenting is not confined to men. I sometimes pass a woman with a large mastiff type dog walking her young child (5/6 year old?) to school.
The dog's lead is tied to the child's scooter handlebars as they travel down a busy main road.
She's always walking behind, sometimes on her phone.
The dog looks like an amiable old thing and just trots along, but if he decided to suddenly charge into the road there's no way she'd be able to grab the child in time.

[OhCaptain]

DH noticed, looked back at me and laughed, waiting for me to retrieve him again. I ran infront briskly then to catch him

Why? Why didn’t you send DH after him?

[Spatime]

Because of all the above.

[OhCaptain]

Ok, but if you were alone with them you’d have to do both wouldn’t you?

So is he just never going to be alone with them?

[Thisismytimetoshine]

It sounds like you've trained your dh that you need to be the one in charge at all times, so he automatically defers to you.
The fact that you instantly chased after your ds rather than indicating that you expected dh to do it speaks volumes.

[OverTheRainbow88]

As you are not there he will probably/hopefully realise he needs to keep an eye on them better as you aren’t there to watch them!

[Spatime]

The only volumes that it speaks of, is that I didn't trust DH to go dawdling off after him quickly enough, hence why I went instead. As I've pointed out, he's seemingly unaware of risks and has no sense of urgency.

[Coyoacan]

I'm just curious, was your child running towards something dangerous or was he just getting too far away?

[FourPlasticRings]

Echoing @Coyoacan, was he running into danger or just running around the farm?

[TooLittleTooLate80]

@Spatime

The only volumes that it speaks of, is that I didn't trust DH to go dawdling off after him quickly enough, hence why I went instead. As I've pointed out, he's seemingly unaware of risks and has no sense of urgency.

But you couldn't possibly have known that he would have dawdled or sprinted becuase it sounds like you acted first based on what you thought might have happened which is still nothing bad despite your updates as you constantly interfere. I don't think you've come across well in this.

[OhCaptain]

You seem determined to paint him as useless but I think you have control issues.

If you keep going like this you will literally never be able to leave him alone with his children for longer than a day, and without his mummy supervising.

But then I suspect that’s not a bad thing to you...

[Lweji]

The only volumes that it speaks of, is that I didn't trust DH to go dawdling off after him quickly enough, hence why I went instead.

Well, quite. And he knew it.
Just let him sort it out.

[LastRoloIsMine]

Sorry but you do sound controlling and you are treating your adult DH like a child.

I couldn't be in a marriage where the other parent treated me like you are treating you DH.

[MitziK]

@Spatime

The only volumes that it speaks of, is that I didn't trust DH to go dawdling off after him quickly enough, hence why I went instead. As I've pointed out, he's seemingly unaware of risks and has no sense of urgency.

Sprinting after a kid in case they trip over those terribly dangerous blades of grass or get picked up and carried away by a killer seagull is a waste of time and energy. He wasn't climbing into a combine harvester or you would have said.

I suspect if he does leave, you'll be one of those people who deliberately prevents the children from having contact and kicks off over whether the car seat meets your approval, if the food does, the bedtime, whether there are any other people around, where he goes, what he does with them, to the extent of refusing contact if there's a photo with the children not actually in shot because they were 4 foot away at the time. Hopefully, he'll have somebody else on his side to support him getting 50%.

[Smallsteps88]

I think its very clear your DH looks to you to react because he never knows what to do that will be deemed “right” by you- the real parent. He has to defer to you and that’s clearly the way you like it. So stop making yourself the martyr.

[Lweji]

Sprinting after a kid in case they trip over those terribly dangerous blades of grass or get picked up and carried away by a killer seagull is a waste of time and energy. He wasn't climbing into a combine harvester or you would have said.

Derailing a bit, but this reminded me of a recent complain in a local FB group about some land where wild plants had been allowed to grow.
The complaint was what if kids playing ball hurt themselves trying to retrieve the ball from among the bushes. Seriously.
I almost replied with a suggestion of bubble wrap.

[Smallsteps88]

@Lweji

Sprinting after a kid in case they trip over those terribly dangerous blades of grass or get picked up and carried away by a killer seagull is a waste of time and energy. He wasn't climbing into a combine harvester or you would have said.

Derailing a bit, but this reminded me of a recent complain in a local FB group about some land where wild plants had been allowed to grow.
The complaint was what if kids playing ball hurt themselves trying to retrieve the ball from among the bushes. Seriously.
I almost replied with a suggestion of bubble wrap.

Much of the joy of childhood is kicking a ball where you know you shouldn’t be just so you can cut your knees to ribbons fetching it. And then brag about the scars you’ll get.

[Wallywobbles]

So OP imagine this scenario - for some reason you die. You think it would be better for your kids to be looked after someone other than their Dad, rather than allowing him to learn to parent. Is that really true?