Just expressed to DH that no, he can't take DCs for a walk whilst on holiday.

[Spatime]

Sat here crying at this situation.
We're on holiday and I'm unwell (stomach related). DH has said he's going to take our 2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk.
I nodded and got back in bed, before a wave of panic came over me. He can't actually watch them when we're somewhere different. Every family day trip, outing so far has been me keeping the kids safely in tow whilst DH stares, dreamily at the landscape, the sea, the mountains. Each time I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one DC is on the loose, or wandering off in the distance, unnoticed by DH who continues to watch the boats go by.
He is a complete dreamer and appears to walk around in a daze. He's much better if he's somewhere he knows well, afterall he has to watch them for one day a week whilst I work, although he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting.
The way I feel hadn't really dawned on me, other than feeling irritable when we're all out together and I'm watching the kids and saying "come here" "no don't do that" etc etc whilst DH is in a daze.
DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.
I probably am a little overprotective- I anticipate plenty of responses telling me this is my problem and my anxiety (to a degree perhaps) but genuinely, DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen, but this hugely impacts my trust for him when it comes to the children. A year ago, I thought about leaving him (other reasons) and I'm thinking now that my trust for him when the kids are in his care partly held me back.

I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt before shutting the door and walking out of the room. I can hear that they are still in the apartment so I don't think he's taken them, but I feel really upset at the conversation I've felt I've needed to have with him and also at the revelation, that actually, I don't trust him to look after the children when he's somewhere new.
I'm expecting responses to include me being "controlling" but I'd love nothing more than to be able to lie here, relax and concentrate on myself whilst the DCs have a lovely day with a fully engaged other-parent.

He sounds like my husband, who has aspergers and inattentive ADHD. He doesn't have that innate parenting urge to supervise. He will wander off downstairs and leave our 2yo upstairs for example. I say 'Where's 2yo?' and he's like 'Oh! They're upstairs' and I say 'Right, so you just left them up there?'

I will go out to get my hair done and get back to find he's forgotten to give either child a drink the whole time I've been out.

It's fucking hard and I sympathise.

OP, I have noticed that some parents {not only men!}''Zone out'' if other people are around to supervise their children.

A tragic case {won't go into detail} involved the drowning of a child where each parent thought the other was watching the child.

At the weekend, a man was wandering with two what looked like under 5's. They were ambling in the road... While we slowly approached in a car, he was shepherding one child, while the other sped off towards a busier road.
It happens too much.

Oldskool ''reins'' were a good idea, they stopped sudden boltings.

Can he drive a car? Presumably he's not gazing off into the distance or glazing over then?
Perhaps he does as a passenger in a car.

For whatever reason, he is being the passenger when you're out with the dc together. You are in the driving seat checking hazards.

It's possible he just risk assesses differently and takes a more relaxed approach. You view danger if your toddler walks a few feet away, he doesn't?

One of your examples Op; If I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one of them is on the loose
That would happen if any parent was in sole charge then.

I would imagine that when you're together with your children then you are so anxious that you leap into every situation first, when he is allowed some responsibility he'll probably be fine.

She doesn’t want to leave her children in the hands of someone who has shown time and time again how irresponsible they are.

If he's so irresponsible and hopeless, why did she go on to have a second child with him?

OP comes across as being pretty overbearing. I suspect he tunes out because she likes to be in control and it's easier to do nothing than to be told everything you do is wrong.

When you're together he probably considers you in charge of the children, which isn't great, but I doubt he'll let the children run loose on his own.
Encourage him going out with them and take responsibility.

I have a friend like this. She says many things that you have said about her husband. Then complains that he doesn't do things the way she wants and goes on and on. I went on an outing with her husband and all our kids. We have all been friends for 15 years. He was amazing. He watched them. Fed them. Helped them. He was not how she said he was. As soon as she showed up, he changed. he was so henpecked. I think there may be some other things you need to think about. How do you want your relationship to be? How do you want your husband to step up? Why did you have kids with a man you clearly do not respect? at what are your next steps. good luck as this is an important issue to look into.

She doesn’t want to leave her children in the hands of someone who has shown time and time again how irresponsible they are.

have we had an example of something that has happended due to him being irresponsible because I get the impression that the op has never given him any chance to take responsibility

The op hasn't given a single example of where something has happened to the kids under his care. She's only done two posts

she hasn't given a single example of when the children where under his care either - seems she is always there to pick up the slack... that's the problem, we don't know.

Ignore all the people posting about how you'll divorce and he'll end up with the children 50% of the time.

No, he really won't. I've been there, done that, and he got EOW for 2 nights a day time evening but not overnight every week. Despite him trying for 50/50. The courts can see that some parents aren't able to put their children's interests first or keep them safe. 50/50 is not the default position in every divorce and if he really isn't competent then it's not in the children's best interests to be with him 50% of the time.

Who knows what would happen if the OP did divorce?

He clearly hasn't earned your respect and trust to the point where you feel it would be safe to allow him to care for them by an unfamiliar harbour. Therefore, the sensible thing to do is to ask him not to take them there.

He might step up when he's on his own but that's a big risk to take when they could fall down an unfenced drop into deep water. It's definitely not a risk I'd be prepared to take with my children's lives.

If he wants trust and respect, he needs to earn it by not abdicating responsibility at every opportunity.

Maybe the conversation today will bring home to him how unfair he is to leave you to take full responsibility whenever you're around. Perhaps he will now stop the deliberate helplessness and make a reasonable effort to keep his children safe all the time, not just when he's in charge. Then you will be able to trust and respect him because he will have earned it.

YANBU OP. You would be VU to send them off to a harbour with someone you don't feel confident could keep them safe, whoever that person may be.

Hope you feel better soon.

It's not the responsibility of the wife to teach her husband how to safely look after the kids - she became a parent at the same time he did, so why does he think it's acceptable to be in a dream world and leave it all to her? Maybe she is so in control purely because he isn't.
Having two parents means there should be two sets of eyes on them, not one parent admiring the view while the other one ensures they don't get run over.
My husband still has a tendency to cross the road and not look where our child is because he says she follows what I'm doing rather than him. That's beside the point, really - if we're both there then he shouldn't abdicate responsibility, even if I am there too.

Has he ever actually had them to look after by himself before? How do you know how he’ll behave when he’s in sole charge if he never is?This doesn’t sound like a good relationship for either of you tbh.

oh come on he's not going to lose your bloody children.

He's a parent too - he doesn't have to ask your permission to parent them.

This is insane.

I don’t understand the ‘have you ever given him a chance you parent’ attitude.

My DP parents. When we’re out together or at home if the dc need something or need to be watched or supervised he does it. He doesn’t stand about looking pretty vacant and staring off into the distance. He engages with the DC, keeps them occupied and interested in their surroundings and will also talk to me.

I don’t ever have to feel like I’m the only parent when out together with him as he’ll actively be parenting.

And if he called his mum to help him take care of our DC when I’m away. His mother would laugh in his face. She’d not take over parenting because her DS chose not to. Surely OP’s H has shown himself to be utterly useless by calling his mother to parent his children the times he is left to care for his own children?

I wouldn’t have any more dc in your shoes OP, two dc and a manchild are more than enough.

Maybe she is so in control purely because heisn't.

Or maybe he isn't because he has to ask permission and gets belittled every time he tries to parent.

He looks after them on his own one day a week and nothing untoward has happened (I assume op would have mentioned it), so has 'proved himself'.

How do you know what he's like when he's alone with them? It's not great that he zones out and lets you take complete charge when you're together, but surely he doesn't do it when he's in sole charge?

Without concrete evidence that they have come to harm in his care, this does seem more like maternal anxiety.

Being dreamy when your partner is there is different to being like that alone with them, and you don’t actually know what he’s like when you’re not there.

@SuePerb

oh come on he's not going to lose your bloody children.

He's a parent too - he doesn't have to ask your permission to parent them.

This is insane.

Indeed. He should have parented from the start, instead on cheerfully leaving all the work to his wife. When a father becomes a normally responsible parent from the start, everything happens naturally.

You don't end up 5 years down the line with one of the parent yet to prove they can take care of their own kids alone!

If nothing else, has he never taken at least one of the kids on his own before? That has never come up before?!

This really is insane.

I don't really understand the "why would you have a second child with him?" posts - the children are only 2 years apart, so the first would only have been max 15m old when the OP fell pg with no.2 - at this stage, it's not immediately obvious that the other parent isn't that crash hot at taking notice and care of 2 kids on his own!

YANBU to want him to take them out to an unknown harbour area, OP.
He could maybe have taken them somewhere else, without deep water. I wouldn't have been happy in your situation either.

My DH has had a few close shaves with DS1 in his time - luckily he learns from each situation but seems unable to apply that learning to a different situation. DS1 has been very lucky to survive some of the incidents - in different circumstances, he might not have (Falling through the unzipped net around the trampoline headfirst onto concrete - hurt his chin, nothing else. Being taken "swimming" with grandma in the lake, she lost her footing, luckily DH turned in time to see DS1 only above the water, as she was under it by then - he had to dive in to rescue them. These are the main 2, there are other lesser ones)

OP is going to judge by what she sees. And if she sees him not paying full attention, she won't want to risk her children by a harbour. In the end, knowing they are safe is more important than anything else. Maybe he has them at home one day per week and the OP feels they are safer?
I do agree that this all needs to change though before it becomes a set pattern

@Wtfdoipick

She doesn’t want to leave her children in the hands of someone who has shown time and time again how irresponsible they are.

have we had an example of something that has happended due to him being irresponsible because I get the impression that the op has never given him any chance to take responsibility

One of the main reasons that DP divorced his wife was because she constantly treated him as being particularly stupid.

He's one of the smartest, funniest and is absolutely the most responsible and trustworthy man I've ever met.

'Leave it, you'll only break it/ruin it'
'Aww, you're such a simple, trusting soul? Where would you be without me to look after you?'
'You're useless'
'You can't be trusted'
'You're so irresponsible'
'Don't you understand that the world is full of bad people?'
'No, you may not leave the house without my permission because you cannot be trusted'

Sounds more Bancroft than anybody else. And a recipe for him finally realising it when he meets a woman who speaks to him like a grown up.

You don't end up 5 years down the line with one of the parent yet to prove they can take care of their own kids alone!
He doesn't have to prove anything. He had them one day a week while op works. They seem to have survived the experience, so the op's hysteria is quite mystifying.

No parent can dictate what the other parent does with their child. Unless it is illegal and you should notify the authorities.

I would be devastated if my partner treated me like this. It’s controlling behaviour. Your children are missing out on exercise and fresh air while witnessing an unhealthy relationship.

Sorry you are unwell on holiday.