Just expressed to DH that no, he can't take DCs for a walk whilst on holiday.

[Spatime]

Sat here crying at this situation.
We're on holiday and I'm unwell (stomach related). DH has said he's going to take our 2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk.
I nodded and got back in bed, before a wave of panic came over me. He can't actually watch them when we're somewhere different. Every family day trip, outing so far has been me keeping the kids safely in tow whilst DH stares, dreamily at the landscape, the sea, the mountains. Each time I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one DC is on the loose, or wandering off in the distance, unnoticed by DH who continues to watch the boats go by.
He is a complete dreamer and appears to walk around in a daze. He's much better if he's somewhere he knows well, afterall he has to watch them for one day a week whilst I work, although he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting.
The way I feel hadn't really dawned on me, other than feeling irritable when we're all out together and I'm watching the kids and saying "come here" "no don't do that" etc etc whilst DH is in a daze.
DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.
I probably am a little overprotective- I anticipate plenty of responses telling me this is my problem and my anxiety (to a degree perhaps) but genuinely, DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen, but this hugely impacts my trust for him when it comes to the children. A year ago, I thought about leaving him (other reasons) and I'm thinking now that my trust for him when the kids are in his care partly held me back.

I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt before shutting the door and walking out of the room. I can hear that they are still in the apartment so I don't think he's taken them, but I feel really upset at the conversation I've felt I've needed to have with him and also at the revelation, that actually, I don't trust him to look after the children when he's somewhere new.
I'm expecting responses to include me being "controlling" but I'd love nothing more than to be able to lie here, relax and concentrate on myself whilst the DCs have a lovely day with a fully engaged other-parent.

[DBML]

Let your husband parent too. And that’s it from me.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@Smallsteps88 I am very proud of sons of my scars! Received by being completely feral free to run around as a child.

OT Did anyone else take a flattened cardboard box to the top of a (probably small now) steep grassy hill and sit on it whizzing down? It sounds so random now but oh what fun! Completely unsupervised of course!

Of course it's different now (as in the days of children running free are over) but it meant that I don't bat an eyelid at many so called difficult situations.

Helicopter parenting small children has actually been proven to harm their brain development. Running around on a farm = good danger (taking obvious precautions) running next to a busy road = bad danger.

But all children need some danger. You only gave up look after their faces when they are riding those scooters getting them to go as fast as they can. Beyond thrilled. Guessing these children will never have fast scooters.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

If a woman was posting on here about her partner being as controlling as you are, she'd probably get lots of advice to leave.

I feel sorry for your partner and children.

[Spatime]

I can see this thread is turning ridiculous.

Before I leave, my children both have stunt scooters and can use them to do tricks in the local scooter park, as they do most Sundays.

I'm not going to come back to this thread for people to wrongly cast judgements and assertions on my parenting and on my childrens exposure to fun and independence. I don't deserve that.

[Coyoacan]

I'm not going to come back to this thread for people to wrongly cast judgements and assertions on my parenting and on my childrens exposure to fun and independence. I don't deserve that

But you are casting aspersions on the ability of your children's father to keep them safe without giving any proof of said inability. You were also happy with the comments of about 70% of the posters here that believe that fathers are incapable of keeping their children safe.

There have been a lot of threads here where I am raging that a mother cannot keep her children away from a father who is a danger to their health and safety. If fact this may be the first where I've taken the side of the man. But if I were your husband I would either just give up trying to be a father or separate and get to be a father without having to live with your constant criticism.

I also notice that you never did say if your children were running towards danger, so I'll take that as a no.

[stretchedmarks]

@Spatime

Thank you for all the responses.
I guess me saying yesterday that nothing had "happened" before, was specifically meaning nothing serious.
I've observed him today at the farm and watched him take our youngest (just turned 3, a runner) off his reigns and gave him the 'lead' bit to hold himself as he was kicking off. I then stood back as DC2 just ran off into the distance holding his own reigns. DH didn't notice, I waited to see how long it would take DH to notice whilst watching DC2 run off. DH noticed, looked back at me and laughed, waiting for me to retrieve him again. I ran infront briskly then to catch him.
So no, nothing terrible has happened before, but I can see on a regular, daily basis that he needs to act quicker and be more aware of risks.
He has no awareness of risk at all.
He is fine with one DC at a time I've found. He just can not multitask taking care of 2 in a public place.

You've been incredibly vague, again. There's a huge difference between a child taking off and running towards machinery, animals or an open slurry pit, and running across an empty field.

My parents have a farm and (before Covid) took my daughter there all the time to play and explore. I let her run wild when we're in the fields because there's simply no more danger than her being out in the garden. If I was taking her down to a stream to splash in (very shallow), I'd hold her hand so she wouldn't slip, but that's it. She's allowed to run around. If she falls, we have a cuddle and away she goes again. And this was when she was only 13-14 months old!

I grew up on a farm and I had parents who completely mastered the perfect balance. I always helped with the animals, but no one helicoptered over me. Of course, if my dad was mixing slurry then I wasn't allowed out at all. But if he was bottle feeding an orphaned lamb, I was given that job. If he was giving the sheep silage, I'd grab handfuls too and help. He certainly wasn't supervising my every move. I made mistakes. Got some bruises and cuts. But I lived and had an amazing, free childhood.

You need to let go.

[SmileyClare]

It's hard to call it Op from the small snapshot of your lives you've provided.

I can't help thinking that a 3 year-old doesn't need to be held on reins at a farm? I think I would have let them go to run around? I have children but must admit I've not had one that sprints off all the time.

Anyway, you've probably had enough criticism already Who knows, maybe you will relax a little after these comments? Enjoy the rest of your holiday..

[GoldenOmber]

70% of the posters here that believe that fathers are incapable of keeping their children safe

Nobody said this? Where did you read that?

[Sakurami]

I know plenty of fathers who are amazing. Many just as good as their wives and some better. But in my case, mine was a liability when my kids were younger and could not be trusted with them on his own because their lives would literally be at risk. And yes,I had more than 1 kid with him. That still doesn't change the fact that he wasn't capable of looking after them safely.

[dexterslockedintheshedagain]

@Spatime

I can see this thread is turning ridiculous.

Before I leave, my children both have stunt scooters and can use them to do tricks in the local scooter park, as they do most Sundays.

I'm not going to come back to this thread for people to wrongly cast judgements and assertions on my parenting and on my childrens exposure to fun and independence. I don't deserve that.

But you're happy for people to cast judgements on your husbands parenting?
You post something like this, you can't expect everyone to agree with you.
Now off you flounce.

[Smallsteps88]

OP it sounds like you’ve placed your own parenting on a high pedestal that is beyond reproach but expect people to agree that your husband is incapable of looking after his own children and shouldn’t be allowed to. There is such a massive gap between what you deem to be your respective parenting abilities that it makes no sense for you to be with him. I don’t believe that someone with such high standards of parenting would choose someone who she genuinely believes to be unable to be alone with his children as her life partner. It doesn’t add up. You’ve exaggerated it so you’re both at far ends of the spectrum but reality is your husband isn’t as a you want to make believe and you aren’t as wonderful as you want to make believe. Your both closer to the middle. You just need to accept you have an issue and go and get help to deal with it.

[OhCaptain]

I would argue that a petting farm is exactly the type of place that a three year old should be able to run around.

[LolaSmiles]

The only volumes that it speaks of, is that I didn't trust DH to go dawdling off after him quickly enough, hence why I went instead. As I've pointed out, he's seemingly unaware of risks and has no sense of urgency
Is he unaware of risks or does he have a different assessment of risk to you?
From your posts it sounds like you're very risk adverse, on at the kids all the time, and are also on at your husband all the time.

OP it sounds like you’ve placed your own parenting on a high pedestal that is beyond reproach but expect people to agree that your husband is incapable of looking after his own children and shouldn’t be allowed to
This

[Coyoacan]

It is unfortunate, OP, that you took exception to people questioning your version of events because, in the end, we are doing so in the best interests of your family life.

It is highly likely that your husband will at least opt out of parenting, when constantly faced with your disapproval and it is also highly likely that your male children will assume that men do not look after children.

Soon you will be unhappy at being left totally in charge of childcare too.

But even if we say things abruptly, it is in your best interests to think about what we are saying

[BurtsBeesKnees]

waited to see how long it would take DH to notice whilst watching DC2 run off. DH noticed, looked back at me and laughed, waiting for me to retrieve him again. I ran infront briskly then to catch him

Why did you run after him? Why didn't you let your dh deal with it? You could see he was In no danger, yet you insisted on running in front of him to catch him. Sounds like you won't 'let' him parent in the way he wants to

[Alsohuman]

Bet OP’s done wonders for cotton wool sales in her local supermarket.

[NoSquirrels]

DH noticed, looked back at me and laughed, waiting for me to retrieve him again. I ran infront briskly then to catch him.

So it’s either that he noticed, looked at you and laughed because the child wasn’t in danger & yet you’d specifically told him yesterday he was rubbish so he was anticipating an over-reaction or he’s cavalier and reckless with your DCs safety.

Or somewhere nuanced between the two where your parenting styles, decisions and instincts are t naturally aligned and you need to have an honest, open chat.

Unfortunately you don’t sound open to the possibility that you’re not 100% correct.

Before I leave, my children both have stunt scooters and can use them to do tricks in the local scooter park, as they do most Sundays.

Your only-just-3-yr-old has a stunt scooter they do tricks on? But wears reins out and about?

Nope. Don’t buy it. Your risk assessments aren’t usual, OP.

[KittCat]

Useless Rugby Dad 😂

[alexdgr8]

something is awry here.
after reading that op's 3 year old has a stunt scooter and does stunts every saturday in the scooter park, which i presume is like a skate-boarding area, i am beginning to wonder if OP is having us on.
and yet Op is alarmed at 3year old enjoying a little run off the reins in a farm open to visitors, and probably arranged with children in mind.
if it is all true, seriously Op you need some kind of neutral intervention, for the sake of your children alone. you have a distorted view of life.
you come across as very bossy with your husband. you think it is justified, necessary even. you cannot see any other possibility.
this situation will not last long. something will break. please seek help. that is not an insult. let other people of experience and expertise advise you. for the sake of your children. whom you obviously love.

[Nousernameslefttouse]

That must be hard. I would also be upset and anxious if I was in your situation. You don't sound controlling at all; you're entitled to worry for your children's safety. Have you ever considered asking him to get his mental health checked? His behaviour doesn't sound normal for an adult. Would it be completely off the mark to suggest that he might be suffering from a condition that is causing this extreme dreaminess? Maybe it can be treated... Just saying this from experience with a previous relationship where dp displayed unusual behaviour that I later realised were symptoms of mhp.

[Nousernameslefttouse]

I just looked back and read some more of your posts. Not sure anymore if he's really dreamy or just really laidback

[netflixismysidehustle]

• Your only-just-3-yr-old has a stunt scooter they do tricks on? But wears reins out and about?
  
  Nope. Don’t buy it. Your risk assessments aren’t usual, OP.*
  
  ^^ This

[Alsohuman]

@netflixismysidehustle

* Your only-just-3-yr-old has a stunt scooter they do tricks on? But wears reins out and about?

Nope. Don’t buy it. Your risk assessments aren’t usual, OP.*

^^ This

I wondered about this too. It only takes one tiny over egged detail to bring the whole story tumbling down!

[FreakStar]

You needed reigns on an almost 3 year old in a children's farm? Weird!

[VenusTiger]

Can we have the husband's thread now....