Just expressed to DH that no, he can't take DCs for a walk whilst on holiday.

[Spatime]

Sat here crying at this situation.
We're on holiday and I'm unwell (stomach related). DH has said he's going to take our 2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk.
I nodded and got back in bed, before a wave of panic came over me. He can't actually watch them when we're somewhere different. Every family day trip, outing so far has been me keeping the kids safely in tow whilst DH stares, dreamily at the landscape, the sea, the mountains. Each time I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one DC is on the loose, or wandering off in the distance, unnoticed by DH who continues to watch the boats go by.
He is a complete dreamer and appears to walk around in a daze. He's much better if he's somewhere he knows well, afterall he has to watch them for one day a week whilst I work, although he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting.
The way I feel hadn't really dawned on me, other than feeling irritable when we're all out together and I'm watching the kids and saying "come here" "no don't do that" etc etc whilst DH is in a daze.
DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.
I probably am a little overprotective- I anticipate plenty of responses telling me this is my problem and my anxiety (to a degree perhaps) but genuinely, DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen, but this hugely impacts my trust for him when it comes to the children. A year ago, I thought about leaving him (other reasons) and I'm thinking now that my trust for him when the kids are in his care partly held me back.

I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt before shutting the door and walking out of the room. I can hear that they are still in the apartment so I don't think he's taken them, but I feel really upset at the conversation I've felt I've needed to have with him and also at the revelation, that actually, I don't trust him to look after the children when he's somewhere new.
I'm expecting responses to include me being "controlling" but I'd love nothing more than to be able to lie here, relax and concentrate on myself whilst the DCs have a lovely day with a fully engaged other-parent.

He needs to spend more time alone with the kids if this is how you feel.
I would be utterly pissed off if my husband dare said I wasn’t able to take MY children out without him.

It’s a tricky one. OP should know better than us if her DH genuinely puts the dc in danger or just doesn’t quite do things to her standards
If it is the former then of course she shouldn’t let her DH take them out, she would never forgive herself if anything happened (not that it would be her fault)
On the other hand OP might just be over anxious and being too hard on her DH
Either way she needs to work on this with her DH or it will badly affect the dc

The 5 year-old should be old enough to understand they shouldn't "wander off into the distance". Even the 3 year-old could grasp not running off.

It's hard to comment because it may be that your idea of danger is too over cautious? Do you get anxious about the children's safety and over protective? Your comment "there are bad people out there" sounds a little off key. It is not likely that your dc will be snatched if you turn away for a few seconds.

Dh has them in his sole care one day a week. Have they ever been injured or in a dangerous situation due to his neglect?

You have an odd dynamic in your relationship if dh has to ask permission and you decide if he's "allowed".

Maybe you have a point with the harbour, he certainly doesn't have to stay inside though. He can take them to a park, swings, a walk somewhere that doesn't have a sheer drop into the sea near it!

Sorry you're ill on holiday, that's rubbish.

For everyone saying give him some respect and let him just do it yes that's fine until one of the kids dies in his care which can happen just like that, running out in front of a car, falling off something on your head, abduction, anything. Kids that age have to be watched like hawks.
He needs a massive punt up the backside. He sounds absolutely bloody useless.

Thanks for your post @My0My I'm so sorry you lost your 5 year old- sounds utterly terrifying at the time. Are you still with him? How do you manage to trust him with the DCs now?

My DH has not lost either of them yet, but I don't want to give him much opportunity either. When you describe the staring into space sat on a bench, I can picture my DH doing exactly that. He adores them and practically at home, is a brilliant Dad, but is completely mentally swept away when we're out and about. Its at work too. A colleague of his once commented to me about the amount of window gazing he does from his desk! It's widely noted that he's a dreamer. If you met him, you would see exactly what I mean.

DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world

Unless your DH has additional needs he's aware.

You infantilising him by telling him what he can and can't do, and not allowing him to parent his own children is ridiculous.

Does he have a job? Function generally as an adult? Then he'll be fine. He's likely less attentive when you're around as you're constantly swooping in.

So nothing bad has actually happened? You are being so unreasonable.

To all those people telling the OP that she is wrong, I very often see men out with children and they do things that leave me with my heart in my mouth. Unless you actually see it with your own eyes you wouldn't expect a grown man to run across a busy road and shout to his small child to keep up, or to be dunking a tiny baby into the sea laughing as it screams in the cold water. Some men have no idea how to look after children.

so youre never going to let him take them out?

if you leave you know he'll get access and can take them where he likes-youve got to start letting the reins go a bit

Unless you actually see it with your own eyes you wouldn't expect a grown man to run across a busy road and shout to his small child to keep up, or to be dunking a tiny baby into the sea laughing as it screams in the cold water.

I've seen plenty of women do that too.

I also don't trust my DP to be out with our DC alone.
Pretty sure OP isn't being controlling but has a genuine concern for her dc's welfare.
It's really not a nice feeling when you're ill but it's preferable to have two DC running around in the vicinity than be laid on-edge, listening for sirens and worrying where the DC are with your partner and if they have fallen over a cliff or been snatched by a stranger.
OP it will cause huge resentment in your relationship.
I too wouldn't leave as I wouldn't trust him to care for the DC on ' his time'.

I’m sure this is down to anxiety OP but it still isn’t reasonable behaviour. You cannot dictate to a child’s parent what they can and can’t do with their own child to soothe your own feelings. No wonder your DH looked hurt. Imagine if this was reversed and he said he didn’t trust you alone with them? Or if he said your over-protectiveness and anxiety were harming them.

Well this was 20 years ago but I’ll never forget the absolute terror of losing her. I still cannot understand why he was such an idiot but he just didn’t engage when they were young and treated them as little adults. DD made her own decisions (to walk off) and that was her fault - not his. He still never owns up to anything being down to him and is hard work. Yes we are still together. He improved with dc when they were teens and adults! They went off on holidays - especially DD2 skiing and wildlife watching in Africa.

I think talking to your DH is best at the moment about the unpredictability of children. Just calmly and explain DC do run off and the need to stay alert.

The harbour is not the ideal place for a first try (too dangerous even with an alert parent if one of your kids is impulsive or runs away) but this might be a good time to let him start.

Even dreamers can learn- he seems to be able to hold down a job and it doesn't seem to be unsafe for him to go out alone. But maybe start with a park or garden or something before you throw in water, sheer drops and piles of rope!

My DH has not lost either of them yet, but I don't want to give him much opportunity either.

You're not giving him the opportunity to parent them.

So you fully expect him to lose them ?

When will he be allowed to take them somewhere on his own?

Have the children ever come to any harm while in his care?

Well mine did. I kept trusting him and no, he didn’t learn!

Struggling to understand why you had a second child with him to be honest?
He sounds useless and you sound controlling! If you split up he’ll have them and you won’t be able to helicopter- might be worth bearing in mind before you push him away telling them he’s a shit dad

Oh FGS! If your DH is incapable of looking after his children then why on earth did you have 3 of them with him? What do you see in a man so incapcitated? Seriously, unless he has special needs or a disability, I doubt he's incapable of watching his own children! Maybe you're one of those that likes to think no-one else can do anything as well as you- makes you indispensable- makes you feel better about yourself.

He could start small by taking the children to play in a nice safe park for half an hour and build up.

So he can never go for a walk with his own children -he is not capable? Then you shouldn't be married to do him. So you are ill -he can't go for a walk by himself. He can't take the kids -he is trapped.

I know and understand exactly how you feel. Perhaps let them go out for 15mins. at first but only in the building - up and down in the lift - round the reception area etc - he needs to just build up practice gradually!

If you split up, he will have them for half the time anyway!

I would apologise and let him take them. No child wants to be trapped in a holiday apartment with a sick mother!

I assume he can swim if needed?

Yanbu. I wouldn't risk my children's safety, to spare the feelings of some fuckwit who cannot keep a proper eye on them. If he wants to be trusted,the needs to actively parent even when you are there. Children are too important to risk.

You sound as if you mother him as well. Just let him take them out for a short walk and build up from there. He's an adult and you do sound rather overbearing.

You are being controlling . Sorry but you are

He is their parent as well

As for the way some of you lay into this man, without even knowing him, you must be a joy to live with .