Just expressed to DH that no, he can't take DCs for a walk whilst on holiday.

[Spatime]

Sat here crying at this situation.
We're on holiday and I'm unwell (stomach related). DH has said he's going to take our 2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk.
I nodded and got back in bed, before a wave of panic came over me. He can't actually watch them when we're somewhere different. Every family day trip, outing so far has been me keeping the kids safely in tow whilst DH stares, dreamily at the landscape, the sea, the mountains. Each time I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one DC is on the loose, or wandering off in the distance, unnoticed by DH who continues to watch the boats go by.
He is a complete dreamer and appears to walk around in a daze. He's much better if he's somewhere he knows well, afterall he has to watch them for one day a week whilst I work, although he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting.
The way I feel hadn't really dawned on me, other than feeling irritable when we're all out together and I'm watching the kids and saying "come here" "no don't do that" etc etc whilst DH is in a daze.
DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.
I probably am a little overprotective- I anticipate plenty of responses telling me this is my problem and my anxiety (to a degree perhaps) but genuinely, DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen, but this hugely impacts my trust for him when it comes to the children. A year ago, I thought about leaving him (other reasons) and I'm thinking now that my trust for him when the kids are in his care partly held me back.

I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt before shutting the door and walking out of the room. I can hear that they are still in the apartment so I don't think he's taken them, but I feel really upset at the conversation I've felt I've needed to have with him and also at the revelation, that actually, I don't trust him to look after the children when he's somewhere new.
I'm expecting responses to include me being "controlling" but I'd love nothing more than to be able to lie here, relax and concentrate on myself whilst the DCs have a lovely day with a fully engaged other-parent.

Your dh does sound resigned to doing what you want Op.

I mean the fact that he "looked hurt and walked away" when you banned him for going out for a walk, told him he's an incompetent parent and not to be trusted isn't a reaction you'd expect is it?

Does he ever stand up for himself?

It's absurd to all stay in just because you're unwell. At least suggest some alternatives to the harbour if you're the boss!

Oh and yeah she'd definitely have used the words dreamy, distracted, wandering around not paying us any attention...he did lose us on occasion and she never forgot it.

Just about every woman I know of my mother's generation has a humerous story they tell about leaving an infant in a pram outside a shop, and forgetting all about them until they are halfway home.
Very many parents today have had the terrifying experience of losing a small child for a few minutes in the park or in a shop. You take your eyes off them for a minute and suddenly you cant see them any more.

It happens. You dont just stop taking your children out because of it. And esp not because it might happen.

I can be a bit like that- I have ADHD. Might be something worth considering?

YABVVVU I'm sure when he is in sole charge of them he doesn't just keep staring off into the distance. You are basically telling him he is an incompetent and uncaring parent - has he actually ever put your children in danger?

I don't know why crying is necessary in this situation, you need to relax if you are feeling ill. I am sure your partner is perfectly capable of taking the children out on his own. He must be some kind of strange Father, to have so little faith in him. Don't spoil the family day out.

@Spatime a PP actually makes a very good point. At the moment, whether rightly or wrongly, you can control when he is with them,where and how .

What if you couldn't? What if you were seriously ill,or in hospital for a long time or God forbid, not here at all?

So if you're the only one capable of parenting your kids, what would happen if you weren't there any more?

He is an adult and a parent. Let him be both those things. Maybe if you weren't constantly hovering over him, checking his every move, he might be able to become competent at those things?

OP, You do need help, and soon. I have experienced this, please get help.

He is an adult.
He has to learn.
Nothing bad has ever happened when he has looked after them.

Get some rest and I hope you get better soon.

How will he ever learn if you never let him have any responsibility. Also Why should they sit in bored and fed up just because you're not well.

Actually I sympathize OP. My exH used to open the back door without checking the back gate was locked, every single time, so the dog used to escape and could have run into the road.

Every time I told him he would simply say, oh yes but he did it around 20 times before I sorted it by kicking him out.

Obviously that was a bit extreme, and there were a lot of other issues but the main one was i couldn't trust him to look out for us, me or the dog he was a completely selfish useless inconsiderate manchild.

If you genuinely don't trust him with your kids you've got big problems and you need to really talk to your DH constructively giving him examples of the sort of things you're having issues with.

Has he ever had parental leave to himself? I made sure that DH spent time alone with DD so he could get used to the feeling of full responsibility, and not like a lot of men seem to behave - that they're the second choice parent if mum isn't available.

Serious talk and serious actions required here OP.

I feel so, so sorry for your husband.

Basically, it's your way or the highway. You're unwell which means everyone else has to stay home and be bored because for some reason, you don't trust your partner to look after your children.

If he was that bad, you wouldn't have had three kids with him!

Hes allowed to take his kids for a walk if he wants

He’s never acted responsibly when out because he’s never had to, has he?

Aside from the fact that you knew what he was like and still chose to have children with him, this is a ridiculous way to live your life!

So now the three of them are cooped up because you’re sick and won’t let them out?!

And if you do leave him, he’ll have them alone anyway!

Honestly it just winds me up when people infantilise men and play up to that “useless husband hardy har har” stereotype.

He may have lead a sheltered life, whatever that means, but he’s still leading one because he’s being patented by his wife!

Ended your marriage. Maybe if you agree to some counselling and go to Relate for couples counselling he might give it a go.

Learned helplessness.

Enable him - he is a grown man. He will cope.

Less control - he may surprise you. If not and he is as flaky as you describe - he needs medical attention.

My sister was in a similar situation to you OP. She tried and tried to get her DH to actually parent the kids. She went out and came home to find her DH playing on his phone. The smaller DC had fallen in a cattle trough full of filthy water and couldn't get out and the older DC had piled up kindling wood on a plastic stool and was trying to light it with a Zippo! She went utterly stratospheric and they had yet another massive row about it. It has made absolutely bugger all difference. She leaves them with her PIL now even if she wants to go out for ten minutes. It's like she has a 15 stone child she has to accomodate but there are loads of men like this. Anyone reading on here for five minutes can tell that.

I'm a dreamer, was a single mum and my dd survived. When you are out together he goes off into a dream because he knows you are looking after them. I doubt he'll want to be that involved with them with your attitude.

If all these men genuinely are so utterly hopeless, why do their partners go on to have numerous children with them?

It's never, ever just the one child!

I think if you let him do it he will force himself to concentrate & be fine. If he has ADHD (which sounds possible TBH) he will be able to focus if something is interesting or urgent. If he was that dreamy he would have been run over by a bus long ago.

When you are there he can let go & dream. If you are not there he will be different & you need to trust him, otherwise you will kill your relationship.
Sounds strange I know but you could put GPS tracker tags on the kids bags/clothing just in case as well.

It's not about you teaching him to parent, or making excuses, but it's about you recognising his rights as a co-parent and your children's rights to an active, independent father, and saying something has to change, for both of you. You need to become less controlling and he needs to become more so, so you have equal control and respect. This is a huge task and you may need couples counselling to achieve it.

I agree with this.

The other thing that jumps out to me is how DH appeared upset at being banned from parenting his own children but just accepted it. It sounds like he's resigned to being told he's a rubbish parent and not good enough.

I mean that your H might have ADHD, not you.

Your anxiety seems disproportionate. Do you really not ‘let’ your husband take responsibility for the children? You need to release your grip on him and let him be a proper dad, and get some help for your anxiety.

I'm on the fence here op. How will he learn if he goes to take them out alone - but maybe not to a harbour with deep water just yet!

This is so a man thing though. I see it all the time in mainline stations - man walking ahead looking at his phone, child trailing behind and Dad not checking they are still there.

A few months ago exactly the same thing. Child no more than 3 trailing after their Dad in Waterloo station and fell over my feet. I picked them up and Dad hasn't even noticed - still striding ahead looking at his phone. I could have swiped the kid and been away with them before he'd even realised.