Just expressed to DH that no, he can't take DCs for a walk whilst on holiday.

[Spatime]

Sat here crying at this situation.
We're on holiday and I'm unwell (stomach related). DH has said he's going to take our 2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk.
I nodded and got back in bed, before a wave of panic came over me. He can't actually watch them when we're somewhere different. Every family day trip, outing so far has been me keeping the kids safely in tow whilst DH stares, dreamily at the landscape, the sea, the mountains. Each time I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one DC is on the loose, or wandering off in the distance, unnoticed by DH who continues to watch the boats go by.
He is a complete dreamer and appears to walk around in a daze. He's much better if he's somewhere he knows well, afterall he has to watch them for one day a week whilst I work, although he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting.
The way I feel hadn't really dawned on me, other than feeling irritable when we're all out together and I'm watching the kids and saying "come here" "no don't do that" etc etc whilst DH is in a daze.
DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.
I probably am a little overprotective- I anticipate plenty of responses telling me this is my problem and my anxiety (to a degree perhaps) but genuinely, DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen, but this hugely impacts my trust for him when it comes to the children. A year ago, I thought about leaving him (other reasons) and I'm thinking now that my trust for him when the kids are in his care partly held me back.

I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt before shutting the door and walking out of the room. I can hear that they are still in the apartment so I don't think he's taken them, but I feel really upset at the conversation I've felt I've needed to have with him and also at the revelation, that actually, I don't trust him to look after the children when he's somewhere new.
I'm expecting responses to include me being "controlling" but I'd love nothing more than to be able to lie here, relax and concentrate on myself whilst the DCs have a lovely day with a fully engaged other-parent.

Careful OP, you are making a rod for your own back and emasculating your husband at the same time. He never will get better at this unless you let him.

If he’s really that useless then that would do my head in. I don’t think I’d be attracted to someone who couldn’t care for our children

My ex was the same and yes, he wouldn't watch them and they would wander off etc. Can give you a few examples that would make your hair stand on end. So like you, I didn't let him take the kids out on his own until they were a lot older.

@vanillandhoney

If all these men genuinely are so utterly hopeless, why do their partners go on to have numerous children with them?

It's never, ever just the one child!

I agree.

I have two. After my first, if my partner didn't pull his weight, you can be damn sure I wouldn't have went on to have another.

I can 100% rely on my partner to look after both my kids (18m, 10 weeks) on his own. Not a shadow of doubt in my mind.

However, I didn't baby him. We both got on with parenting. Did we make mistakes? Yes. Did we learn from them? Yes.

If OP's husband was as useless as she lets on, she was either completely daft to have other kids with him, or very silly not to fix these issues years ago.

I also don't buy the "I didn't know he'd be useless" excuse. Even when you have babies, you know if he's going to pull his weight or not. A partner who doesn't change nappies, bath the kids, feed the kids (if expressing/FF/weaning), dress them and take them out unprompted is obviously going to be shit later on. You don't need years and multiple kids to figure that out. Sadly, some prefer to bury their heads in the sand to have all the kids they want, then complain later.

People need to start taking responsibility for their decisions and actions.

It only takes a second for something to happen.

A few years ago (it was the year of the London Olympics I remember) we went on holiday to Burnham on Sea and had a lovely time on the beach with the kids. The very next week a young child slipped onthe very jetty where we were and his body was found several days later.

I recently witnessed a child fall in to a lake after the father was walking along in a world of his own with two small children behind him. No hand holding or awareness that they were near the water. I could see in slow motion what was going to happen. If he is in that league then I don’t blame you not trusting him.

"A 5 year old can understand not to wander off into the distance"

I stand by that and yes I do have children. They've all survived and are teenagers. I lost one of them for 20 minutes in a shopping centre once. He was found in the display window of the shop we were in. He was 2. He wouldn't wander off aimlessly like that aged 5. So yes they can be taught some responsibility at that age.

There's no way of knowing if Op is an overly anxious helicopter parent who panics if her child isn't next to her at all times or if the dad is completely incompetent, unable to risk assess situations and frequently has absences from reality.
It's impossible to judge.

Good god, he doesn’t need your permission. They’re his children too, I assume he has parental responsibility for them? Quite frankly if my OH told me he didn’t trust me with our children I’d tell him where to go. He doesn’t need to ask for your permission and actually I think you should be thanking him for being thoughtful as I imagine he thought it would be easier for you get some rest if your children weren’t in the house. How many posts are there on mumsnet about women not getting a break, not even when poorly etc and everyone is up in arms. Yet your OH is actively trying to be more hands on and you’re putting barriers in the way. I feel sorry for the poor bloke.

I'm sure he will be far more aware when out with the children without you. I am by nature a 'vague' sort of person but was vigilant where children were concerned; so will he be.

@jessstan2

I'm sure he will be far more aware when out with the children without you. I am by nature a 'vague' sort of person but was vigilant where children were concerned; so will he be.

Then why isn't he when it's both of them? Is it not his responsibility too or just the ops?

But when you, his mum or friends are there he does not need to pay such close attention. If you really cannot trust him to look after both could he take one out then the other. Or dc1 have to hold onto the pushchair. You are making a rod for your own back by being quite so limiting. If it were your dh posting similar he would be labelled controlling.

If i was your DH I'd take them anyway. And I'd be explaining to you that post divorce I'd be having them 50% of the time and it would be great without you watching all the time.

I feel bad that you're ill on holiday. But i feel worse for your DH and DCs that you're being so controlling.

Hope you feel better soon so they can enjoy their holiday.

Wait..... your husband is offering to take out your three children so you can rest and recover?

Omg LTB

This is tough. I've been through similar with my exH. He regularly lost the DC when he was in charge, or let them wander off for ages without noticing. Our eldest has autism and little awareness of danger and can't communicate easily with a stranger so it's quite worrying.

As he's now an ex, I've had to deal with my anxiety about his more careless attitude to supervision. It's easier now the DC are older, but I still worry about them going away. Thankfully he almost always goes with ex SIL and BIL because he won't (or can't) organise a holiday himself. Or he will go to stay with his mother.

ExH now diagnosed with ADHD and probably autism as well, which explains the lack of attention and also the inability to understand the responsibility of being a parent.

Try talking about putting rules in place - eg you have to hold DC hands all the time. You must always know exactly where they are at all times etc. Then let him get on with it somewhere safe (not by the sea with drowning risk).

SmileyClare

So yes they can be taught some responsibility at that age.

I still completely disagree with you. Yes, you start teaching them, but they are still far too young to be trusted. Even a very well behaved and sensible child gets distracted and makes mistakes.

If anything happens, it's entirely their parents fault, not the child.

I get your point, BessMarvin, but some people are just like that. I am, my husband used to say I wouldn't notice anything if it wasn't pointed out to me but I was different if I was responsible for someone or something.

It needs to be corrected of course. I would suggest he engages with the children all the time they are out, 'chatting', etc. I wonder where on earth they are on holiday?

There isn't really enough information here. Has he never taken them out before? Because if so, then I can perhaps understand. But I have to assume that he has been in sole charge previously and has done things differently to you but that everyone has survived?

There's a big difference between someone who is happy to let you take the lead while they're there vs someone who is physucally incapable of being responsible.

I'd also say he sounds like someone with Sensory Processing Disorder - who struggles to concentrate or focus when there are multiple sensory stimuli going on. Bt that's a separate issue.

To be fair, if the DH is willingly incompetent and leave all the work to his wife when they are together, you can't blame her for being reluctant.

Yes, it might sound controlling and none of us knows how bad things are. It still absolutely reasonable to assume that a father won't change the way he is responsible for his kids if his wife is here or not. (or vice-versa). No parent (male or female) "assume" that the other will cover because they happen to be there - the least is telling them they are in charge (because you are busy doing something else, because you pop in the loo, or whatever reason)

jessstan2
but I was different if I was responsible for someone or something.

fair enough, it's quite common, but by definition the father is responsible for his own kids from birth, not only when his wife is not around.

A lot of people jumping straight to "how mean and controlling of you to say he can't look after his own children safely!" but surely the important question is whether he CAN look after them safely, not whether or not he feels sad by what the OP said? It sounds like he's pretty useless when they're out together?

Obviously this might be the OP being overly anxious for all any of us can see, maybe they're within range at all times and he is keeping an eye on them. But if he actually isn't and really does just gaze off into the distance paying no attention to them then no she shouldn't be letting him take young children out for a walk to a harbour. Their safety needs to come above their Dad's feelings.

OP maybe tell him you're fed up of feeling like you're always the one on duty and say you want it split a bit more equitably when you're all out as a family? Should give a fairer indication of whether he can keep an eye on them fine but prefers to delegate it to you. And if he feels like he's keeping them safe and you're being overly anxious then he can raise that point and discuss it.

But have you ever given him the opportunity to look after the children without you hovering?

My DM was like this when we were young. Completely and utterly obsessed with the fact that my Dad wasn't helicoptering over us every second of the day. It's suffocating. And probably a big part of the reason why I have a much closer relationship with my Dad now, as compared to my Mum.

I'm not surprised he's hurt.

Maybe he has ADHD?

But have you ever given him the opportunity to look after the children without you hovering?

or did the DH give his wife an opportunity to relax when they were all out?

He's going to become extremely resentful of you and he'll end up having the children on his own for 50% of the time.

She doesn’t want to leave her children in the hands of someone who has shown time and time again how irresponsible they are

Except that she leaves them one day a week all day in his care.

I'm a dreamer and if I am going somewhere with someone else I never pay attention to the route. If I then have to go on my own, it is like I have never been there before. But I work out the route and get there safely and back.