Just expressed to DH that no, he can't take DCs for a walk whilst on holiday.

[Spatime]

Sat here crying at this situation.
We're on holiday and I'm unwell (stomach related). DH has said he's going to take our 2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk.
I nodded and got back in bed, before a wave of panic came over me. He can't actually watch them when we're somewhere different. Every family day trip, outing so far has been me keeping the kids safely in tow whilst DH stares, dreamily at the landscape, the sea, the mountains. Each time I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one DC is on the loose, or wandering off in the distance, unnoticed by DH who continues to watch the boats go by.
He is a complete dreamer and appears to walk around in a daze. He's much better if he's somewhere he knows well, afterall he has to watch them for one day a week whilst I work, although he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting.
The way I feel hadn't really dawned on me, other than feeling irritable when we're all out together and I'm watching the kids and saying "come here" "no don't do that" etc etc whilst DH is in a daze.
DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.
I probably am a little overprotective- I anticipate plenty of responses telling me this is my problem and my anxiety (to a degree perhaps) but genuinely, DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen, but this hugely impacts my trust for him when it comes to the children. A year ago, I thought about leaving him (other reasons) and I'm thinking now that my trust for him when the kids are in his care partly held me back.

I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt before shutting the door and walking out of the room. I can hear that they are still in the apartment so I don't think he's taken them, but I feel really upset at the conversation I've felt I've needed to have with him and also at the revelation, that actually, I don't trust him to look after the children when he's somewhere new.
I'm expecting responses to include me being "controlling" but I'd love nothing more than to be able to lie here, relax and concentrate on myself whilst the DCs have a lovely day with a fully engaged other-parent.

Who really bases a divorce on this? Generally you take over when they have prices themselves as being useless. My DH called my mum over on the rare occasion I was ill. He had no intention of cooking or doing what was needed. Is it worth divorcing over? No. He had other plus points. You have to weigh everything up.

prices ..... proved themselves

Wow controlling or what. He is their father, and you have told him you don’t trust him with his own children. If I was him I would be walking out, even if you are I’ll, and leaving you to it

Have you thought that one reason he is so ‘zen’ is because he knows you are there with the kids? Have you thought that if he has sole responsibility of the kids he might be different? You make it very clear that you are in charge of the kids when out, so why would he bother as you dont think he is good enough

You need to apologise and let him have his own time with the kids

I remember reading a thread on here a few years ago about a man, who was similar written from the wives POV. I don’t remember much but he had lost the children and just didn’t get it. He couldn’t take the children out on his own. There genuinely are people out there like this. You don’t sound controlling and talk of your dhs positives but are aware of his downfalls. You know you need to trust your gut.

*wife’s

Hes a brilliant dad (your words), he takes care if them 1 day a week and nothing bad has happened, (evidence he's capable), of course he can take them for a walk.

Umm I don’t think it’s actually up to you to give him permission OP. He gets to decide whether he takes his own children out for a walk. He isn’t your child or babysitter. He has equal responsibility for them as you do.

Wow....he's an adult and they're this children. He has every right to take them out for a walk. What a miserable holiday they will have if they're stuck inside because their mum is I'll. They will be fine

I agree with others you are being both controlling and manipulative.
I would assume that the reason he doesnt help more, is because you will be ordering and shouting if he does anything you don't like.
You over rule him and treat him like part time help.
Those calling him lazy, I wonder if you understand that sometimes in abusive relationships it is easy just to let the bully get his way than to fight.
I would be telling this Man to leave this relationship as soon as possible and take his kids with him.

So your holiday is ruined because you are ill and now you're trying to ruin everyone else's too.

I’m with you OP. My wife is just as scatty as your DH, and I won’t allow her out with the kids either.

Let him take his kids out. You are being stupid.

I hope you feel better soon!

But I think you need to ease up a little on your OH. He's a father in a loving family. You should be able to trust he is not going to lose/bring harm to your children and I think its a bit over the top to assume any time you leave them with him something bad will happen.

What if he decided that your anxiety (that there is no doubt you have) was having an impact on the DC and told you he wasn’t going to let you be around them unsupervised anymore? How would you feel?

So your holiday is ruined because you are ill and now you're trying to ruin everyone else's too.

It would be ruined worse if the OPs DH is genuinely as useless at looking after his kids as she says though.

He ought to be able to take them for a walk but the downside if he can't get his act together are too severe to write off the OPs concerns as her being 'controlling'.

Even if everything you say is true about him, OP, reality is, you can't stop him if he wants to take his children for a walk. He is their dad. He is actually legally responsible for them just as much as you are.

If he leaves you over your perception of him, he'll have his children under his care alone on his days/weeks.

You must be a complete nightmare to live with. Not allowed to take your own children for a walk. If a man did this he would be called controlling and poster advised to LTB. Double standards much. Get some help for your anxiety.

I’m with you, OP. ADD(inattentive) presents like this.

If he's genuinely so useless @ErrolTheDragon he wouldnt be able to look after them 1 day a week.

Some people are like that though. I was waiting at the school one afternoon when a local dad parked across the road. He got out and stood chatting to his friend. He never noticed the 3 year old putting down the window and climbing out. The child was about to run into an extremely busy road and when I called out to the dad he was shocked. He was standing right there and never noticed a thing.

Your husband sounds exactly like me. And I would be extremely hurt if my husband thought I couldn't look after my children. Just because he is zoning out doesn't mean he hasn't got 1 eye on the kids. Relax. He won't let anything bad happen.

But surely unless he learns to watch them instead of navel gazing he's never going to improve is he.

What if you were to divorce - he'd have PR at least sometimes, alone with them. What if you died (God forbid) - he'd have to bloody well learn then wouldn't he?

I think you have to let him take them out OP.

I stayed with my ex until the children were old enough to fend for themselves and understand danger. They were raised to take decisions for themselves and not rely on adults because of this.
I honestly think it was a good call
Now they are adults they have, for example, refused to cycle down motorways after their father. That's one very small example of his standard risk assessment process. The men you read about whose kids die when they take them out in boats with no lifejackets, that kind of thing, he was that kind of parent
So if he is like that, yeah, I sympathise

Can you suggest a walk away from water and heights?

This is sad. It makes me think of my own mum and dad. She'd have said the exact same thing. My dad was always unsure around children, and awkward and not great at communicating and just let her take the lead and it just reinforced itself- she took over, he wasn't confident to take the lead back, he never was able to bond or learn how to parent as she had all that 1-1 time with us, we weren't comfortable with him alone as we hadn't had chance to bond...and on and on it went. She just couldn't let go and let him parent with her. I'm not saying either was wrong or right really...she couldn't trust him, and he didn't push for more or make effort to build trust or show her he wanted to do it. She loved us and wanted to be hands on, he just loved her and listened to what she said. They'd both been raised to feel that way about their own parenting- she'd been taught how to look after children as she was a girl, and he wasn't.

I guess what I'm saying @Spatime is don't make these mistakes my parents made. Talk to your husband. You need to do something about this or your children will never be able to bond properly with him as an equal parent and this resentment and anxiety you feel will build and build and break your relationship, if it's not already broken.

It's not about you teaching him to parent, or making excuses, but it's about you recognising his rights as a co-parent and your children's rights to an active, independent father, and saying something has to change, for both of you. You need to become less controlling and he needs to become more so, so you have equal control and respect. This is a huge task and you may need couples counselling to achieve it. If you don't, eventually it will force you apart like it did my parents, probably in a blaze of fighting, blame and accusations, and the ones suffering through it will be the children, and I know that's not what either of you want. Good luck

Just a question, OP.

When you're in work and new technology has been implemented in the office, if the tech person was to sit with you every day and open everything you need and do it for you, would you learn to be competent in it? Or would you learn it through doing yourself, with a bit of trial and error?

Same applies here. You aren't giving him an opportunity to learn how to do it. Every single time one of your children steps out of line, you're straight in there correcting it. And yes, that makes you a good mum for always being 'on' it, but it does make you a bit overbearing. And, regardless of what people on here might say, no one is born a perfect parent. You need time to learn the skills required, and you'll make mistakes along the way. If you aren't letting him learn, then he never will.

It's a real shame that you've left this to be an issue for so long and not tried to fix it. He wants to take his kids out while they're away on holiday. You're ill. He was probably trying to do you a favour as well, but you've made him feel totally useless. It's not as if he is more than happy to sit on his hole because you're ill so he can't be arsed doing anything with the kids. He wanted to do something, and you told him no- like what you'd do to your children.

When you get home, you need to accept responsibility for doing too much and give him the freedom to take the kids out on his own, and trust him.

The thing that annoys me the most with these sort of threads is it's all well and good you being such a great mum and being totally in control of everything, but, like what has happened on holiday- what happens if you're ill? What happens if you have to go on a work trip? If you have to go look after a sick relative? He needs to be able to look after his kids on his own. You're shooting yourself in the foot in the long term by not letting him.

It's also shit because these partners are often described as shit parents but if someone is a control freak, how on earth are you ever meant to be anything but? I'm sure you've complained at least once about never having time to yourself, but as you've proven today, you'd never even entertain the idea.

Things need to change. You have a lot of making up to do, and a lot of confidence to rebuild. Comments like what happened today aren't forgotten easily.