Just expressed to DH that no, he can't take DCs for a walk whilst on holiday.

[Spatime]

Sat here crying at this situation.
We're on holiday and I'm unwell (stomach related). DH has said he's going to take our 2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk.
I nodded and got back in bed, before a wave of panic came over me. He can't actually watch them when we're somewhere different. Every family day trip, outing so far has been me keeping the kids safely in tow whilst DH stares, dreamily at the landscape, the sea, the mountains. Each time I turn away for a few seconds to get something out of my bag, one DC is on the loose, or wandering off in the distance, unnoticed by DH who continues to watch the boats go by.
He is a complete dreamer and appears to walk around in a daze. He's much better if he's somewhere he knows well, afterall he has to watch them for one day a week whilst I work, although he often takes his mum along with him if he takes them out which is comforting.
The way I feel hadn't really dawned on me, other than feeling irritable when we're all out together and I'm watching the kids and saying "come here" "no don't do that" etc etc whilst DH is in a daze.
DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.
I probably am a little overprotective- I anticipate plenty of responses telling me this is my problem and my anxiety (to a degree perhaps) but genuinely, DH is always in a complete dream world. Friends and family comment on this a lot. It's nice to be with someone so Zen, but this hugely impacts my trust for him when it comes to the children. A year ago, I thought about leaving him (other reasons) and I'm thinking now that my trust for him when the kids are in his care partly held me back.

I'm saddened that I've just had to explain to him that, no, I don't want you to take DCs for a walk to a new harbour that we haven't been to before. He's asked me why not and I've told him why. He looked very hurt before shutting the door and walking out of the room. I can hear that they are still in the apartment so I don't think he's taken them, but I feel really upset at the conversation I've felt I've needed to have with him and also at the revelation, that actually, I don't trust him to look after the children when he's somewhere new.
I'm expecting responses to include me being "controlling" but I'd love nothing more than to be able to lie here, relax and concentrate on myself whilst the DCs have a lovely day with a fully engaged other-parent.

[crumpet]

I hate the phrase “respect has to be earned not given”. Respect should be assumed, unless it is shown not to be merited.

[Longwhiskers14]

It's interesting that the only post you've responded too so far, OP, is the one where the poster's DH lost sight of their child. The idea of yours doing the same terrifies you in a way that comes across as disproportionate and I'm wondering if this is less about your DH's capabilities but more about you having anticipatory anxiety, where you assume the worst and catatrophise all the bad stuff that might happen? Either way, I feel very sorry for your DH. It sounds to me that he zones out on trips because he feels like a spare part as you micro-manage your children's every movements.

[strawberrypip]

I'm in two minds about this.

I can completely understand why this would panic you, especially if you are used to being the one in control of the situation (appreciate you probably feel you have no choice because of the way your partner is). I also get the fear of something awful happening as your kids are rightfully the most important and special thing in your world.
however, the problem is you are setting yourself up for never being able to get a break in the future and without meaning to, you are letting him off with his side of the parenting. you should let him take control and realise he can do it and that he needs to more importantly when you are not there. this will be a vicious circle otherwise and it's not healthy that either parent should even need to double check with the other nor that the other should be in a position to say no for safety reasons of all things.

[My0My]

I think when dc are in prams or pushchairs you don’t notice incompetence so much. My DH wasn’t remotely hands on and I stopped at 2 DC. I clearly recognised he didn’t seem to be interested in learning. It was my work and no, it’s not great. But we had money and he thought that absolved him from doing anything. It’s not great but apparently all his friends were the same and dads that took more care of dcs and didn’t go ombré golf trips were laughed at. It’s still a men’s world for many. Perhaps women should stop having children? Or maybe earn every penny and do all the childcare? That’s a thankless task too!

[DopamineHits]

I am a dreamer too, but both my dc's are still here and approaching adulthood. Is he perhaps different when you are with him because he assumes you will do all parenting? It's extremely unlikely he will lose a child on a walk. Try to relax a bit.

[Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches]

It must be lovely to be able to relax and zone out like that when he’s on a day out with you and the kids! Lucky him!

Unfortunately you can’t have that luxury when you’re with kids.

When you feel better it needs a proper discussion so he knows why you felt like this and can address it.

[LolaSmiles]

I hate the phrase “respect has to be earned not given”. Respect should be assumed, unless it is shown not to be merited
Same, though people who use that phrase seem to almost exclusively use it to justify someone being rude / unpleasant / an arse.

We see it lots on education threads where people insist their child is immune from a sanction because the teacher hadn't taken the time to earn their DC's respect. 30 other children had their education disrupted because one precious child has been taught that they don't need to have basic manners.

[OldLace]

My exH was like this.
Would be standing looking at the view as toddler dd walked off the edge of a castle battlement, or talking about trains as toddler ds fell into the sea for example. Yes I stepped in for their safety. Yes it enabled him to carry on 'dreaming' as he had a competent parent paying attention. In our case it was especially tricky as I stayed when they were younger as I was physically disabled and couldn't chase after the kids myself. But, lots of resentment on my part and lots of shrugging and accusations of 'nagging' on his - all pretty toxic sadly.
It was not clear that he would be this way before I had kids with him (both pretty close together) or I would have chosen a different man.

Its taken until now, when the kids are 13 and 15, for him to take them away camping for a week for me to feel confident they'll be okay.
And he is still pretty crap - ie I had to organise the trip, pack, remind him about meds (kids are autistic), and I got a text at 5am today from Dd: 'cold and hungry' (turns out she did get fed then but my automatic thought was: 'oh christ, I hope he's bloody feeding them' - I still have no confidence, though I think he is more adult when I'm not there now.

It is an incredibly wearing dynamic to try to raise kids in.

[Jellybeansincognito]

My husband is the same.

Gets mad at me for not giving my 3 year old any independence.

My 3 year old is an absolute hazard to himself, he doesn’t listen to boundary’s or rules and has run out into the road before.
Screaming stop has no effect.
He finds it hilarious to run away and the game is so exciting he literally becomes a danger.

So knowing my husband has let him walk across a busy car park not holding hands, and who takes him outside knowing he’ll run to the car door (on the unsafe side of the road) I absolutely have lost respect and won’t let him take our 3 year old out alone.

When an adult, parent or not- allows their child to purposefully enter dangerous situations, they lose the right to have them alone.

[SantaClaritaDiet]

The 5 year-old should be old enough to understand they shouldn't "wander off into the distance". Even the 3 year-old could grasp not running off.

you haven't got any children have you...

I agree, it's not an adult being a "dreamer", it's a lazy and irresponsible way of parenting!

[netflixismysidehustle]

You're treating him like you're his parent.

[steppemum]

well, I was sort of with you until this line:

DH is very sheltered I think and is unaware that bad things happen in the world and that there are bad people out there and you have to keep your young kids close.

the reasons for keeping a 3 and 5 yera old close round a hoarbour on holiday are:
don't fall in water
don't walk in front of a car
dno't trip over nets/boating stuff
don't climb on something dangerous
don't try and climb onto a boat

and yes you do have to watch them closely in that setting.
But your only reason is that there are bad people about?
That sounds like your fears, and not reality.

It is impossible to judge based on that if you are being unreasonable.

etc, and yes you do

[wildcherries]

@MitziK

When has he ever needed to actively watch them - you've always been there, constantly stopping the little ones from doing anything?

You speak of him as though he's a nine year old with SEN, not a grown man and father of two.

Apologise to him, get back into bed and let him actually parent his children, rather than be oppressively parented himself.

Yes, this.

[Jellybeansincognito]

‘ You're treating him like you're his parent.’

^ not really.
She doesn’t want to leave her children in the hands of someone who has shown time and time again how irresponsible they are.

[NoSquirrels]

I've no idea on what you've written if you are over-anxious or not.

It could be that your DH has never been given the chance to develop his confidence alone with the DC.

It could be that what you fear is correct and he could not keep the DC safe in a new place.

My DH has not lost either of them yet, but I don't want to give him much opportunity either. When you describe the staring into space sat on a bench, I can picture my DH doing exactly that.

This sounds like your fear talking, though.

He's never lost them but you "don't want to give him the opportunity".
On the one hand it can sound reasonable if you have genuine concerns about his capability. But being a bit of a dreamer doesn't mean he's not capable. He just needs practice which you're denying him.

I can picture my DH doing exactly that.
Fear.

You could go and apologise, say you are sorry for doubting him but you feel anxious that he's not always switched on to them. And then listen to what he says. Perhaps he will reassure you.

[AllyBamma]

I do have to wonder if you clearly think so little of him and he’s always been this away with the fairies kind of guy - why did you have 3 kids with him?

[diddl]

"but is completely mentally swept away when we're out and about."

Perhaps because he knows that you are there?

But what are you trying to convey with the above statement?

That he can't walk about whilst looking around and hold his kids hands?

[Speakeasy22]

Tell him to take them somewhere else - not a harbour! I wouldn’t fancy that on my own with 3 young children. Way too much stress.

[BessMarvin]

StatementKnickers
I won't quote your comment as it was horrible and I hope it is deleted before it is seen.

[Tootletum]

@StatementKnickers I don't entirely disagree, but perhaps a bit harsh, no? You don't know the full story, and there is a real person reading these replies.

[BessMarvin]

What a worry for you OP. I hope you're feeling better.

[crosshatching]

OP he's switched on enough to notice you're ill, want to give you a break, want to spend time with his children, want to take care of them, and yet...this situation.
I guess he's learned something today at least.

[Mintjulia]

In 5 years, have you really never left him to just get on with it?

If not, you need to. Order some reins and send them out alone. he'll cope. I'm not surprised he's offended.

[NoSquirrels]

I think there are just 2 DC?

2 almost 3 and almost 5 year old DCs for a walk

An almost-3-year-old and an almost-5-year-old?

Being in charge of 2 preschoolers is different to being in charge of 3 of them!