Dating a widower

[ChristmasinJune]

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice here for my sister who's in a dilemma. Basically she was in the same social circle as a man for a few years. They fancied each other a fair bit but for various reasons never got together. Both moved on to other people. Dsis has now been happily single for several years whilst the guy was very happily married to a lovely woman who died at the end of last year (Nov I think)
This guy has now been in touch and we think is moving towards asking her to meet up. She likes him and is excited about the prospect but is also extremely wary.
So my question:
Would you date a widower knowing that he loved his wife very much and was very happily married. Is this off putting or a good thing?
Also, what's a decent amount of time before a person is ready to move on? We both think that it may be "too soon" and lockdown loneliness is a factor here.

@pickledmybrain
It is far harder for the children to lose their mother

I'm sorry, its such a shame they don't get to choose which of their parents dies, eh.

I'm going to have to walk away now. I never thought Muggles still had the power to upset me this much.

I’m going to assume I’ve misunderstood that post xan

Oh lyra, it was hard for my dad. He became a wreck and a shell. His skin was grey and pallid, he cried all the time, it was awful. I won’t go into all the details here but I know his anguish was real.

Yet I also know my mum would have been equally distraught to have lost him - but she wouldn’t have been arranging to meet up with other men four weeks later, I really do know she wouldn’t. Because my mum would have put her children first, my dad put his own grief first. I guess that’s just the difference.

@pickledmybrain

I’m going to assume I’ve misunderstood that post xan

Oh lyra, it was hard for my dad. He became a wreck and a shell. His skin was grey and pallid, he cried all the time, it was awful. I won’t go into all the details here but I know his anguish was real.

Yet I also know my mum would have been equally distraught to have lost him - but she wouldn’t have been arranging to meet up with other men four weeks later, I really do know she wouldn’t. Because my mum would have put her children first, my dad put his own grief first. I guess that’s just the difference.

The thing is though, you don't know that. You think that. And you may be right, but you don't know for sure. You never can because even your Mum won't know for sure.

There's 3 children locally to me who lost their mother recently. She killed herself when her husband died. No-one saw it coming. How could anyone? No-one knows until they are in the situation how it'll go.

Everyone deals with it differently. The night I met my DH he was with a friend from his support group. The guy had organised childcare because he wanted to go out. The guy frequently got his kids babysat so he could go out and get drunk. Drunking just numbed the pain for him. DH was out because DS was with his Grandparents as they'd got into that routine when his wife was dying and they all felt that DS's routine should stay exactly the same, but DH hated being home alone. Two guys, same situation to an extent, but totally different way of dealing with it.

You are judging people based on a standard that you think your Mum would have had, and that you think you would have, but you don't know. None of us know. We can only hope we'd do the best and that that would be good enough.

*your Mum wouldn't have known for sure, not won't know

True, but I’m as confident as I can be whilst obviously being unable to put that to the test

And before you jump on the home alone bit - by that I mean without DS. It was just the two of them. DS's Mum was in hospital or hospice since before his birth.

@pickledmybrain

True, but I’m as confident as I can be whilst obviously being unable to put that to the test

Perhaps you should be a bit less judgemental of other widows and widowers given you've just accepted that

Calling one weak and pathetic earlier in the thread was vile.

And again - I’m not standing in judgement here. I’m saying that in my opinion, men (and despite what you say above it almost always IS men!) who move straight from a bereavement into a new relationship aren’t concerned with who the relationship is with, they just want the relationship. Now that’s fine but in the context of what OP is asking I think it is worth considering. When in a more general sense, I think it’s horrible to expect children to go along with an immediate replacement for their mother.

@pickledmybrain Tend not to report posts, always seems a bit childish.

...and over the years, i ve met plenty with your views, people who basically have no idea, who perhaps romanticise death?

There are also, unfortunately, a number of people who delight in someone's misery and grief and they do not want them to come out the other side,so place timescales on meeting someone else ie 9 months too soon but 13 months ok? or 2 years if you have have kids/
Do you not see how illogical that is? does grief go after another 4 months because after 21 years i can tell you it does not.

I would never presume to tell anyone who lost a parent at a young age how they should feel or behave, because i haven't suffered that loss, yet you seem more than happy to give us the benefit of your uneducated beliefs,

I do not have very much respect for needy people.

You don't really have much respect for anyone bar yourself it seems.

My husband had a stroke in 2014, died in 2018. I was seeing someone on and off last year, but no one knew - I had/have no intention of entering a discussion regarding timelines for relationships, when the reality is I’ve been grieving for six years, not two.

That’s fine jas, we disagree, it happens

I am certainly not romanticising death. It is bloody horrible, although of course inevitable. Where we disagree is that firstly the only person who matters is the bereaved spouse - I believe any children born to them matter more - and secondly that life is too short, move on as soon as possible. Where the second is concerned I don’t care if children aren’t involved, but I think the person they are getting into the relationship with should know they are just a body, anybody would really have done. What is needed is it the person but the relationship.

*is NOT the person but the relationship.

@JizzPigeon22

Only people deeply unhappy with themselves want others to be as miserable as them. *@pickledmybrain* I’ve reported your posts and I hope they get taken down. They are disgusting as are you and you should really seek some help.

What the what?

No ones unhappy! I’m certainly not!

Op has asked for thoughts, I’ve given mine. I wouldn’t personally be in a relationship with someone whose wife died nine months ago because they are interested in a relationship, not me per se.

And I think prudence and caution is even more strongly advisable where children are concerned.

Deep seated misery indeed.

I’ve been perfectly polite lyra, the posts bordering on personal attacks are now from you and jizz tbh.

@pickledmybrain

I’ve been perfectly polite lyra, the posts bordering on personal attacks are now from you and jizz tbh.

You've not been remotely polite.

However, it's clear now that you are just on a wind up mission so I won't be engaging with you any longer.

Oh I think you’ll find I have been, but you have informed me I need counselling over my deep seated issues (losing your mother as a child is actually quite hard, but I’m over it now - I’m still not sure it’s something that should be used to attack another poster with) and that I have no respect for anybody.

I have respect for you. Why wouldn’t I? I disagree with you on this matter. I’m afraid that is life, it happens. We may find we agree on another subject.

I answer posts jazz, isn’t that sort of the point?

@pickledmybrain

It’s hard bringing children up alone but the men are the adults.

It is far harder for the children to lose their mother.

I know you and I have been through a very similar experience of losing a mother at a vulnerable age and I have nothing but sympathy and empathy for this. It's a shit experience and I know no one in our situation who doesn't have scars. But I think every experience and every family is different. I don't say this to invalidate your experience at all. But it isn't exactly the same as mine.

For me, FWIW, I didn't mind my dad dating much at all. I found his first girlfriend much easier to deal with than my stepmother, and she came along years later. Dad going out for dinner with someone, her coming round for tea and then going home, but staying at a distance wasn't remotely a threat to mum and her memory. Someone actually moving in, being there at Xmas, being Mrs Chant - that I found very hard. It worked out over time and I love my stepmother dearly now, but it was a process.

So I guess my experience is that time doesn't seem to be the deciding factor. Not to say either of us are wrong. Just that it really varies.

Jizz sorry.

And grief vampire is certainly a personal attack, and very untrue.

I realise it's a sweeping generalisation but men are notorious for moving on quickly. I reckon if Queen Victoria had died, Albert would have married the next available Danish princess in a flash.