Dating a widower

[ChristmasinJune]

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice here for my sister who's in a dilemma. Basically she was in the same social circle as a man for a few years. They fancied each other a fair bit but for various reasons never got together. Both moved on to other people. Dsis has now been happily single for several years whilst the guy was very happily married to a lovely woman who died at the end of last year (Nov I think)
This guy has now been in touch and we think is moving towards asking her to meet up. She likes him and is excited about the prospect but is also extremely wary.
So my question:
Would you date a widower knowing that he loved his wife very much and was very happily married. Is this off putting or a good thing?
Also, what's a decent amount of time before a person is ready to move on? We both think that it may be "too soon" and lockdown loneliness is a factor here.

@pickledmybrain

Can you clarify what you believe to be an acceptable period of time to have passed before any person who has been widowed begins to date again ?

Of course not and nor should anybody - I have already said however that I think when you’re talking months rather than years you are replacing rather than meeting someone on their own merits. Certainly where children are involved I think two years minimum, and again no one is saying that if you happen to meet somebody you really click with say twenty months into a bereavement you can’t take it any further. It’s just common sense.

@pickledmybrain "I don't mean to hurt anyone......" Really? i think thats exactly what you intend to do.

Hyper critical of anyone who hasn't done what you think they should do.... stating that anyone who does move on too quickly (in your opinion) sees partners as "all the same" you really have no idea,
Its also incredibly insulting to women who date widowers inside your timescales, in your eyes, they are no more than fresh meat to these weak & pathetic men.

..and now its 2 years minimum before anyone with children can date again...... yet you also say no one should set time scales..... Come on! make your mind up!

Basically I think people do have to take into consideration that moving on too quickly is disrespectful to friends and relatives.

Frankly when fate, illness, misfortune or whatever has cheated you out of your anticipated future, the carefully laid plans, the joys, the watching your kids grow up together, taking for granted the certainty of loving someone into old age... you are furious at the world.

Other people's hurt feelings will not be your priority. Everyone is different, everyone grieves differently. It is not anyone's place to tell someone who has lost their spouse what the right length of time is. It's disrespectful. And none of us have a right to assume we know what the relationship between the couple was; you are imposing 'how you think you would feel and act on someone who is actually going through it.

Can she just not be a grown up and ask him about his feelings and how quickly he has moved on etc.

Surely it's just him and her who matter in this and no one else and their opinions.

It may be that she was poorly for a long time and they spoke in depth about him moving on and being happy with someone else rather than the wife telling him on her deathbed that she was going to haunt the bastard if he didn't only wear black and be in a constant state of mourning for at least 30 years. Maybe they even spoke about your sister and she gave home the green light as she thought your sister was a really suitable partner?

Well, you might be advised to report those posts then jas, but giving your view on something is not trying to hurt people. It is, well, giving my view!

And you misunderstand me. I think as a rough guide two years is a minimum, but I also recognise that setting arbitrary limits is daft: I would not give exact timings but nonetheless there does need to be some time to process the new normal to use a rather hackneyed phrase.

And while I wouldn’t use the term ‘fresh meat’ the point I’m making is that it is treating people like that, really, as just something to fulfil a role. I think that’s sad.

xan I do take issue again with the fact that the only person who apparently matters is the bereaved man. If he has children to consider, they are the priority.

I dated a widower a couple of years ago, it turned out we'd started dating just 5 months after his wife died unexpectedly and he had no intentions of ever letting me meet his grown up kids.
I ended it sharpish

Cracks me up this 1 year limit of grief, 365 days and you're still in mourning, 366 throw of the cloak, party clothes on, profile on line and hoorah on the dating scene 🙄.

Exactly - it isn’t like that, is it? It’s a process.

But I think the one year thing is because ‘firsts’ are often hard in the year immediately following a bereavement, and even if they aren’t for the widower, it might be worth considering the children might find it a little difficult.

@Bloomburger

Cracks me up this 1 year limit of grief, 365 days and you're still in mourning, 366 throw of the cloak, party clothes on, profile on line and hoorah on the dating scene 🙄.

Quite. I'm pleased I ignored the friends who berated me after I'd plucked up the courage to tell them I'd met someone. Being asked "but what about the fact he's been dead less than a year" in an accusing way when they've ignored you since the funeral is a bit insensitive.

Oh, and don't get me started on the fucking grief tourists

How someone deals with the children and the situation is the important bit. Living your life by someone elses arbitrary moral timescale is much less important than that.

@puzzledpiece

Please ignore the stupid idiots saying there is a time limit on grieving. Everyone grieves in their own way and a previously happily married man is more than likely to make a good husband, second time around. A long illness is a grieving process in its own way.

You sister isn't going to marry him after 5 minutes. She will have months to get to know whether the man can see her as a new love and not be tied emotionally to his first wife. She can make up her mind and you can support her.

Thanks! I doubt very much she'll be dashing headlong into anything, she's quite sensible these days and values her independence too much. At the moment the choice is arrange to meet up for a natter and see what happens or put it off and keep contact fairly minimal for a while. She won't cut contact at this point as he hasn't done anything wrong.

I disagree. I think that dad and children have to establish their relationships again before dad moves on.

@MrMeeseekscando

Oh, and don't get me started on the fucking grief tourists

I didn't have that, but DH's MIL did.

The number of people who told her they were finding he and I dating difficult/disrespectful when it became public knowledge (2 years after we met) was staggering. People who'd been nowhere near her since her DD died mostly trying to get gossip from her with faux concern.

People are just horrible.

No one can tell someone else when ‘too soon’ is.

I can’t believe this is still said. Shame on you.

@pickledmybrain

I disagree. I think that dad and children have to establish their relationships again before dad moves on.

That's assuming that the relationships haven't been established before the death, and that it can't be done while the Dad has relationships away from the child.

Again, its your opinion that you seem to feel other people should live by.

Basically you don’t have a right to comment unless you’ve been through it yourself.
The pain of losing your loved spouse is indescribable but at the end of the day, they’re not coming back and you absolutely shouldn’t have to suffer alone if you don’t want to.

@pickledmybrain your comments are vile.

Just another adding my own experience, I am in another relationship after being widowed and although my previous relationship was genuinely great this guy gets a better me, a softer kinder me, one that doesn't sweat the small stuff, a person that takes chances (because fuck it, the worst HAS already happened) and grabs opportunities. At times there is even guilt about that because I could and should have been better before. I think dating widows and widowers should be considered like dating anyone else, some will be good catches and some very much will not but there is a chance that you date someone who found that being widowed made them more appreciative of life and generally nicer to be with. But yes to the judgement, oh yes, and it's not the people you expect!!!

xan I do take issue again with the fact that the only person who apparently matters is the bereaved man. If he has children to consider, they are the priority.

Oh gosh. A, I didn't mention sex, this goes for anyone, in any relationship, gay, straight, married or not. And B, how is dating again not putting children first? Any single parent will tell you that bring up kids on your own is hard, let alone with grief added in.

I repeat. There is no right way to grieve, there is no right way to proceed after the death of a spouse. Some are Miss Havisham, some are merry widows. What neither group wants is judgemental looks from people who think they aren't grieving the right way.

You are also making assumptions about the age of children. Someone whose wife died in labour is very different to someone with grown up kids.

Oh well.

If my comments are vile, why haven’t you reported them?

If we just want ‘sure go for it, ok’ what’s actually the point of asking at all? (I don’t mean you, OP!)

It’s hard bringing children up alone but the men are the adults.

It is far harder for the children to lose their mother.

MrMeeseekscando I can't imagine losing DH but I expect everyone gets through things at different rates and really the grieving never ever stops, you just learn to live with that amount of pain as a norm from day to day. If someone can come in and bring a little light into that awful scenario it doesn't change how much it hurts, it doesn't stop the grieving the memories and sorrow it just makes it a little easier to bear.

People on here sometimes forget that they are talking to real people about very emotive issues which they have not been through but for some reason think their opinion holds more value than those that have experienced it.

@pickledmybrain

It’s hard bringing children up alone but the men are the adults.

It is far harder for the children to lose their mother.

Clearly your father didn't handle you losing your mother well, but comparing grief is just stupid.

Some spouses will find it harder than children. Some children will find it harder than the spouse. Some situations will be so horrific everyone will come through it as a fucked up mess and some will come through it well adjusted.

You are throwing your anger at your father at everyone on this thread. Your comment earlier in the thread where you called a widow weak and pathetic was vile and I'm amazed that MNHQ have allowed it to stand.

You don't know how hard it is for any widow or widower. Even I don't and I've lived with one for years. Here's hoping that we are both lucky enough to never actually understand.