Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

@ChavvySexPond

I don't know if that was a joke but it made me laugh for the first the in what seems like forever.

[quote Onetime888]@ChavvySexPond

I don't know if that was a joke but it made me laugh for the first the in what seems like forever.[/quote]
Good.

And yes. A bit tongue in cheek.

dh i'm not prepared to do help your father out, either deal with yourself or get a carer in. end of.

hes got away with this for too long, if nobody has pulled him up about it he will think it's ok.tell you dh everything, good luck.

Christ OP. This is one of the most disturbing things I have ever read on here. Your FIL is a disgusting sexual predator, how you have stayed sane I do not know.

I hope your talk with your DH is productive and by that I mean he fully agrees you never have to see him ever again, go to his house or deal with any professionals on his behalf.

Good luck. You should not have had to put up with any of that behaviour for one minute, never mind 30 years.

Refuse to do it
Tbh, he isnt your responsibility at all.
Either your husband does it ( disgusting he suggested you do it alone and belittled how your fil makes you feel!) or he has help.
End of

Hold your decision...YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO AT ALL.

I think your dh deserves dumping for even putting you in this situation.
Dont save his feelings, tell him how vile his father is and he is no better.
Refuse to do this, and dont even get involved in sorting this out. Wash your hands off it and this is for your dh to sort out.
Not one person is ever going to tell you that you are wrong.
It's a shame that you were made to feel like you had to put up with him for 30 years!

I would also seriously consider contacting some form of charity too, so you can talk about this abuse and even to the police tbh.
If hes still saying things now..., the "old man" guise, doesnt really wash still.

Wishing you all the best x

Thank you so much everybody.

I love my husband, in most things he is supportive, kind, compassionate. In this he will be stubborn and difficult to get through to

The conversation will go like.

Me
I can't take direct care if your dad anymore. He makes me feel uncomfortable, he says things that are appropriate to me.

He's said this ( examples) and that (examples)

My DH
But he's got dementia now, he's not responsible now. Are you just leaving me to deal with the biggest responsibility I have? By myself?

Me
But he triggers me, my mental health has suffered, I'm struggling every day. I shouldn't have to tolerate this. It's verbal sexual abuse. Nobody should have to tolerate this.

My DH
And I'm not struggling? You can't do this. You have to help me with him. We will go together, just keep things as they are. It will be okay.

Me
I've been taking this for a long time. I'm done. I can't take it anymore. It can't be a compromise. I can't directly take care of your dad anymore.

My DH
What do you want me to do? I can't cope with this on my own. I've got stress as well . I've supported you with this and that.
Can we just keep going till we get something sorted?

Me
I can't. I just can't .

My DH
Thanks for nothing .

End result. We don't talk at all. I am almost sure this is how it will go. I am dreading it.

Can we just keep going till we get something sorted?

Your response to this is 'No, I'm stopping now. YOU sort something else out, as fast as you like.'

I am so sorry that you have suffered 30 years of this abuse.

Quite frankly, I would refuse to set foot in is house ever again. I would prefer divorce to this.

Your husband should love you enough to protect you. If he doesn't then why stay?

They have really done a number on you if you think you are in any way in the wrong about this.

OP do you think part of the problem might be that your DH doesn't actually know the extent of what your fil has done? Could you write it all down and leave him to read it? He might need a bit of time to process it if there's a lot he doesn't know.

You need to be far more direct about the actual incidents you have experienced for years that has nothing to do with dementia.

The impact of that on your mental health, the implicit threats of what he actually wants to do to you. The incidents with other women.

Tell him social services need to be the care providers because he is expecting you to suffer abuse and mental distress because he can’t cope with his own father! Yet expects you to.

Maybe write down the incidents and be brutally clear about how him expecting you to go into care for his father on your own is a marriage ender. He has to put you first, he can still get help for his father just not from youor how can you respect or trust him again?

So your DH knowing about his father wandering about the house naked still wants you to go and see him on your own!!!! Words fail me.

Because that’s what he is expecting really isn’t it? It might start off when he goes back to work with popping around after work with both of you. But I would not be at all surprised if it soon turns into an “I’m too tired”, “got a late meeting”, “I have no downtime”, “can’t you just pop in during the day”?

Before you know it social services won’t pick up the case because you are meeting his needs, your husband is happy because you are doing everything and you end up being verbally abused and have a mental breakdown.

Ok.

How about this instead.

'DH, we need to talk about the situation with your father. Or rather, because I know how it will go if we just 'talk', instead I need you to listen, and read something I'm going to ask you to read. But first, listen.

I've come to the end of my tether with having to have contact with your father. I've felt absolutely desperate about it for years, I got so bad this morning that I actually asked for advice about it on a forum. Before we discuss it any more, I'm going to ask you to read my post there, and read what the response of literally hundreds of people was. I'll send you the link in a minute.

Before you read it, I should apologise to you. I've kept a lot from you when it's come to the way your dad has treated me. I've been embarrassed to go into detail tbh and now I can see from the help I've had today that actually that hasn't been fair on you. However difficult it is, after you've read my post online, I wanted to say I'm ok with us sitting down and me talking about things with you in more detail, if you need me to.

However there's one thing you need to know and that's that I'm never going to set eyes on your father again, I'm never setting foot in his house, I'm not going to be there at his funeral. I hope after you've read what I've written you'll understand why and support me. If you don't, if I find that we're back to arguing about how I should be understanding and support you and get over it, then we won't be discussing your father, we'll be discussing whether our marriage continues. And if I so much as have to speak to another person involved in his care and defend my position, I'll be telling them that he's sexually abused me and to have it put on his notes.

That's all I'm going to say. Please read this. After that, we can talk if you wish.'

If you don't think you can be articulate or that he'll interrupt you face to face, just print the thread, write out the above, tell him you need him to read what you're about to give him and leave the room.

You: he is your father. To me, he is a man that has been abusing me for years. I have to put my own mental health above your willingness to look after your own father.

From now I will not go. I love you, but he frightens and upsets me and it's getting worse now he has dementia.

I'm so sorry OP. This thread is really horrifying.

I completely missed the naked post . This man will try to assault you if you are there alone. Yes you do have to consider ending your marriage over this. Your DH has a duty to protect you from that shit and shouldn’t need you pleading not to be put in a position of sexual harm from his own fucking father! What is the matter with the man is he really so selfish??

@Onetime888

My goodness, I can’t believe you’ve endured this atrocious abuse for 30 years.

I’m shocked your DH thinks it’s in any way acceptable for you to be any part of his fathers care, EVEN with the stuff he knows about (let alone the stuff he doesn’t know about). His father is a sexual predator and he is in complete denial, and frankly, by pressuring you to care for this vile man, he’s actually making himself complicit in the abuse of you - your DH is enabling it, because what? Because he doesn’t want to care for his father alone - well, tough fucking shit.

Please do not step another foot in that horrific mans home, and if I were you I would stop managing ANY aspect of his care, it’s so utterly wrong.

Your DH needs a massive wake-up call and owes you more than words can express for having to endure this.

Be strong x

You don’t even need to be going in the evenings with your husband. He can handle that job solo. In a way, our families do become joint tasks, but that just means joint in the sense of total responsibility for your household. You can support your husband by taking care of other household responsibilities, leaving him time to deal with his father.

This is awful. You urgently need to get professional carers in to look after him. Can he affrord a private company? He has forfeited any expectation of help from yourself, and you should stop right now. There is no way you should do any more for him. Why are you cleaning and cooking for him? Just stay away, and let your husband sort it out for his father. Between them, they will have to organize a care conmpany to look after him at home, or arrange for him to go to a care home. It is not your problem. Leave well alone.

@FizzyGreenWater

I'm going to do that. I think he's going to be really upset by what's on this thread tbh. I am.

Thank you so much

And everybody. Thank you for your support. I'm going to talk to him tonight.

Good luck

Few things jump out at me:

Your DH should accept that no means no and you aren't going to be involved any more. I'm sure DH is quite capable of doing household chores for his father.

Do not under any circumstances end up in a situation where you go with a carer. That is ridiculous and the FIL is still manipulating you.

3 - MOST IMPORTANT POINT - if you arrange for a carer please do not let it be another single woman whom he can verbally abuse.