Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

What worries me is that with dementia he will lose all inhibitions and not stop himself from attacking you sexually or physically.

OP

You are SO much braver and together than you think you are. No way could I have put up with what you have and not completely broken down. Especially with my experience being minimised and being guilted into contact with an abuser, again and again. I know you've said you haven't been 100% straight with your DH about the extent of this but the real bottom line is that if someone treated me badly, no way on earth would my DH not defend my right not to have to see them. So while he needs to know the full picture, definitely don't let the narrative be 'But it's your fault for not telling me.' It isn't. He should have had your back from the first incident.

Yuk - any man who is happy to see his wife sexually harrassed is a weirdo, let alone a man who is happy to see his wife assaulted by his own father....

Rank OP.

Fuck your DH and his rapey Dad.

It'll get worse anyway with dementia, and no, they're not always safe to be around. He wasn't anyway.

Say no. Have a very firm convo following this.

You are so brave OP. And you have put up with so much.

OP's DH, if you have read this far, your wife is a saint and has gone over and above what any wife should ever be expected to do, all for the sake of your feelings. Please prioritise your wife and marriage and support her on this. Please do not punish her for posting on this forum and asking for help.

Can you show your husband this thread? Maybe if he sees that the outside perspective from multiple people on his father’s behaviour is that your FIL is at least a pervert and at worst possibly dangerous.

My view is that if he has scared you to the point that you slapped him, you have already been the victim of sexual assault by this man. If he is losing his inhibitions to the point he is prepared to walk around naked, I would be genuinely concerned for your safety if you went there alone.

Maybe it needs to be put to Social Services like that - he has tried to sexually assault you in the past and you are not prepared to risk your safety caring for him.

I think you're a saint for doing what you do for him. He sounds horrible and potentially dangerous. There's NO WAY you should go into his house daily, you should be protected from him and someone else take responsibility

This is awful, OP, your husband has enabled his father to abuse you for 30 years and even now is moaning and saying that because he has a problem with the amount of care his father needs that you have to continue to be abused!

Your husband is saying that you being abused doesn't matter. He's ignoring his wife being abused and saying that the abuser is more important than you.

Please stand strong, don't set foot inside that vile man's house again, and I'm glad you're thinking about leaving your husband because his complicity in your abuse is worse than the abuse itself. He's supposed to be your partner, to support and love you.

I would do nothing further with regards his father. If he can't cope then he needs to sort ot social services. Not you!

You can say to your husband that you will support him whilst he tries to sort care for his father. You will make telephone calls, write emails, seek advice, etc. But you will not go into his house.

Your dh can arrange male cleaners and carers and make sure social services know his situation and how vulnerable visitors to his house might be. Especially if they are women. Is he racist as well? That's another thing that will not be tolerated so you need to let services know if that's the case.

You've put up with too much for too long, and you sound to be at breaking point. There is no excuse for the way this man has disrespected you, and to be honest, even if you have not been explicit with your husband about his father's behaviour, he should have had enough respect for you and he should have stopped you going there. Your husband should be straight with his father and tell him you won't be helping him in his house, and the reasons why. His dad's age is no excuse. No doubt he hasn't moved on from how things used to be, when women were not respected or treated as equals. My husband and I have lived through those times... but we both know it was wrong, and he wouldn't dream of acting like men did when we were young. We hear too much of "We didn't know any better". Maybe we didn't, but we have known for a good many years now, and there are no excuses for crude remarks made to any woman, but most especially to someone who is, in law, his daughter.

This man would not be suitable to receive care from a lone female carer. I don't think that option would even be considered.

If professionals protect themselves so should you.

I am so sorry to read this , what a disgrace of a man.
Do not consider being alone with him , he could really harm you , do not give in , tell your husband everything too .
RE social services , after having 2 elderly relatives needing care over the last few years , speaking from experience , if they get the slightest sniff that there is someone in the family who will help out they will pressure you.
I loved both people i kept an eye on but with work and 3 kids etc could not commit / nor did i want to be a carer to them .I made it VERY clear that i could not be responsible , it seems harsh but if you give in they will leave you to it !

OP, wash your hands of your FIL. He really isn’t your responsibility. I’d tell your DH to fuck off too with him expecting you to go and see his horrible father and look after him by yourself. Why are you even going there and doing the housework? I’m assuming your DH has working arms and legs so can do it himself.

You owe your FIL fuck all and if DH doesn’t understand this then he is a very poor ‘DH’.

OP, you are worth far more than putting yourself through this. Your FIL isn’t worth any headspace. If he was a nice man, who’s been lovely to you I can imagine you wanting to help but as he has been abusive what on earth do you owe him?

Good luck OP, I’m so sorry you’ve been in such a disgusting situation for so long

I'm not in the same situation as you op but I also don't see my FIL due to his inappropriate behaviour. My FIL is also now elderly and frail and dh has to support him. In turn I support dh.

However, the way I do this is absolutely not by seeing FIL in person. It involves a combination of doing the admin (eg phone calls, securing outside help, research about benefits etc) and supporting dh emotionally (he feels guilty for helping given FIL's past behaviours).

At the end of the day, your FIL is your dh's responsibility, he can't just decide to delegate that to you. Don't feel guilty about putting your boundaries in place, he can't force you to do anything.

Guys, it's not dementia making op's fil say these awful things; he's been doing it for 30 years!!

Nothing to do with dementia. Just him.

Op, I'd step right back. Let your h go by himself and do all your fil's chores.

Tell your h everything his father has said to you.

If you get carers for him, warn the carers so they can be protected (two female carers, a bloke).

Op, does/did your h help with caring for your parents? Why does he expect you to do so much? He's not your dad. Or your responsibility.

My god @Onetime888. This has to be one of the worst things I’ve read on mn. You should never have had to put up with his disgusting treatment.

My exFIL wasn't nearly as bad as this and I still class it as a major benefit of my divorce that it got rid of him.

Please tell your DH everything. You don't have to ever see this horrible man again.

I think, OP, you’re best not showing him this thread. It gives him less ammunition should he wish to suggest your feelings aren’t all yours. I wish you well.

I really feel for you, OP and it sounds like you’re a sensitive, empathetic, kind person, but those wonderful qualities of yours have been taken advantage of and your husband knows exactly which buttons to press to make you feel guilty.

You’re going to have to access some inner strength and fortitude to put in place some firm boundaries, and I bet (as someone who comes across as dutiful and thinks of others) that is something you have always struggled with, but believe me, once you have done that you will be amazed at how invigorating standing up for yourself is.

What this man has done to you for 30 years is nothing short of outright sexual abuse and frankly it is shocking and unacceptable that your husband puts his hands over his eyes and ears and refuses to support you. Yes, show him this thread and let him see just how horrified the women on here are, regarding the horrors of what you have been enduring all these years.

If your husband tells you you are being unreasonable ask him if he is ok with sending you into the home of a sexual predator who could sexually assault you? Ask him how he will feel if his father assaults or rapes you?
I can’t believe that he would willingly put you in that position, if he does he’s a dick and not worth arguing with

One of the very difficult features of caring for an elderly parent is that you have to change relationships. I had to stand up to a mother who never missed an opportunity to run me down. I had always just ignored her and kept my distance, never arguing. It would have been impossible to care for her if I allowed her to continue.

You have two relationships you have to change. One is the one with your FiL. If he says anything inappropriate, give him a warning, then walk out. I suspect it won't work. My mother was scared she would be left alone so she had to accept it.

Then with you husband. Even if you can't talk, you tell him that you had to walk out on FiL because of his behaviour.

Essentially he needs to man up. Presumably he has ignored or distanced himself from problems. It will be difficult for him. But he needed to decide to do it and then do it.

I dont think FiL will listen to you. However he might listen to his son, because he will be afraid of being abandoned.

What if he doesn’t just say something inappropriate? What if he escalates? Why should OP give him another chance?
She is terrified of this man and should not be put in a position where she has to see him ever again

Sorry but your husband is NOT a good man. He Knows. That why he sits with his Dad while you clean. You husband knows but he doesn't care because it benefits him. If you don't do it then he has to. He would rather you get assualted than take care of his own dad . All these years he enable it. He knows.
He is not a good man. He is not a good husband. Yuck yuck yuck

Get rid of the husband and then you don't have to put up with FIL.

Hope it's going well, OP, and that your husband stands up for you x