Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Contact his gp and ask for a care needs assessment, you shouldn’t have to wait for a dementia diagnosis. They have a duty of care, I know it sounds harsh but whilst they think you can cope they will let you, so explain that you both work full time and not available during the day.

Oh OP, I couldn't read and run. I feel sick and uncomfortable after reading your post, and I really hope you get this sorted. Please don't give in. Your own dignity and mental health comes first. Your FIL sounds absolutely vile, dementia or not!

Your FIL definitely needs a carer . It is very sad that you have to wait for assessments to be made regarding his condition, when you and your Husband can see the reality of things concerning your FIL. He could be a danger to himself if it is indeed dementia.

The aspect of the improper speech,and behaviour, as in anything sexual, is sadly quite common with male, and elderly dementia patients. I used to work in care home years ago, and myself and other female carers had to deal with this problem very frequently.

It is definitely not your responsibility, to take on the whole issue of care now,as you have done so much over the years .And the situation will most likely get harder to deal with in the future.

Your FIL is a SEXUAL PREDATOR. And your husband is a lowlife for making you even go to his father's house. Wtf is wrong with your husband? Do you have a daughter? How would your husband feel if his daughter's FIL made horrible sexual predatory comments and threats to her? Any father would want to go to that man and rip his head off! Your husband has no empathy for you at all. Any real man would have knocked his father flying across the table, disowned him, and refused to see him ever again, EVER again.

That your husband still had contact with him is stomach churning (and if he 'has no one else', that's HIS problem. It is not yours. No victim should have contact with a sexual predator JUST because they 'have no one else [I wonder why?]'. Let his father rot and die alone. Your husband chooses his sexual predator father over his own wife and mother of his children. He is not a man, he is not a husband or a father. He is a disgrace. I would never have been paying his bills, you shouldn't even know of his existence, let alone helping him out. Can't you put him in a nursing home or something? I'd just make him a 'ward of the state' type thing and refuse to acknowledge he exists. But then again, my husband would have taken sexual predatory comments and threats to me so seriously his father would have landed over chairs clear across the room. He wouldn't stand for that, and I would have left him if he had any contact with his father whatsoever. Your husband is a grub and is no different from his father. Leave them both and start a new life away from the predator and the predator's enabler; or tell your husband you want his father made a ward of the state and put in a nursing home so you never have to see him ever again and show him this thread.

Listen OP, you don’t have to put up with abusive behaviour from your FIL to shield your husband’s feelings. If your husband loves you he should be protecting YOU from his revolting father, not the other way around. It’s time for your husband to put on his big bloke pants and face uncomfortable facts about his father, which I can guarantee he knows already deep down. I’m actually really annoyed for you that he’s put you in this position. He needs a metaphorical boot up the backside for that. You’ve done more than enough, step back and let your husband find solutions to this problem.

I think it's time to be completely honest with your husband, surely if he knew everything he would fully understand where you are coming from?

I wouldn’t do it even if he was a lovely old man. I wouldn’t do it for my own dad and wouldn’t want my kids doing it for me. Your husband needs to sort a sustainable solution. Like a nursing home.

I'm so glad we've helped OP.

Even I'm surprised we're all singing from the same hymn sheet. How often does that happen?

You've protected your husband all these years from having to face the reality of what sort of man his father really is but I think it's time to stop let him hide from this.

Tell him everything. Even if you have to write it down and miss out some strategic words that are just too awful to say. The gist will be there.

And come up with a headline version for social services to cover why you will NOT be taking on his care. The threatening to do things to you part should be enough in any sane world.

Best of luck. Keep us posted. xx

First find your way to the MN Elderly Parents board. There will be lots of experience and sympathy.

Second phone the Alzheimer’s Society. The person I spoke to as I was starting on a decade long journey of looking after a mother with Alzheimer’s was really good. Their forum is perhaps less good as so many posters seemed far more saintly that I am, however there was practical stuff.

Third set boundaries. What are you prepared for to do and what not. It is easy to be coerced or guilt tripped into things you don’t want to do, but this is not sustainable.

Fourth. Have POAs been set up. This will be very important, especially as a diagnosis of dementia might preclude one being set up in the future. You do not need a lawyer, just a professional to witness. Forms are on the OPG website. If you don’t get one in time, you have to apply to the Court of Protection for Guardianship. I think I can say with confidence that this is the least efficient bit of Government I have ever come across. It will take a year or more and is very hard to access without legal help.

Fifth. Expect dementia to cause a person less attractive personality traits to come to the fore. If he was not a nice man before he will not suddenly become a kindly old man.

Six. Look into Attendance allowance. (Get someone with experience to help you with forms...a lot is about ticking the right boxes.) And if you do end up caring, look into carers allowance. AA can then open the door to Council Tax exemption and other useful stuff.

Seven (I keep adding things as I think of them) SS should do a physical assessment of his home,. They might then pay for adaptations. They should also be able to tell you about day care centres, befrienders, etc. And support for carers. You probably have to ‘refer’ him to SS. You should do this. It helps influence decisions like on hospital discharge, which can be important. Plus his name and address plus family contact are on a list should he get very confused and start wandering. .

Eight. Once he has his diagnosis it is worth considering applying for a disabled permit. These go with the person, not the car. Great for parking at hospitals, or if you need to pop into the chemist on the way back from the GP. Before I had one I would drop my mum off outside the GP and tell her to wait till I had parked the car, only to find she had disappeared. A lightweight portable wheelchair chair is also useful in these circumstances, if the person is mobile but can’t walk very far.

Nine...no that enough to be getting on with.

Good luck. It’s grim. But no reason for you to shoulder the burden.

When you talk to social services you should also tell them that you are at work during the day! WFH is still working,
so realistically you shouldn't be available!

OP, I am so sorry you have endured this abuse, but your instincts are correct. No one is entitled to speak to you abusredisrespectfully. expecting you to tolerate it is abuse.

I would tell my husband the things hes been saying. Because he doesnt actually know how bad it's been. He will understand where You're coming from. I would suggest placing him in a home.

As a previous pp said dementia often brings to the fore unpleasant character traits and behaviours. I have worked for over 20 years in healthcare and seen many many patients with dementia. Some of the male patients were seriously inappropriate to the point that they had to have two staff members. It is a mistake to think that being in your eighties means that you are physically frail too. Some of the more uncomfortable experiences in my career were from being in situations like this, often as a lone worker in the persons home.

There is no way I would be guilt tripped into being in a situation where I was abused by sexual comments, and that would be the least of the things he could get up too if he knows you are alone. I’ve dealt with exposure, masturbation and been chased around furniture. I don’t say that to frighten you but to affirm that you absolutely should not put yourself at risk of further abuse. Stay strong and who gives a fuck if social services think family should be doing it, they are a statutory service with a legal obligation to assess his needs regardless of an official diagnosis. Be assertive with them and honest with your husband about what you have endured over the last 30 years. Good luck OP.

Your FIL doesn't get to refuse hired help. He cannot look after himself so he needs it. He doesn't get to say "no thank you, I will have you come over and do it all instead". Sorry if it sounds harsh but that is how it is.

I would say this even if you hadn't mentioned the sexual harassment. That just makes it all even worse. Please speak to your DH about it and explain to him exactly how it makes you feel. Be graphic about exactly what he has said to you, word for word, and how long it has been going on for. And then finish by letting him know very clearly that you will never be alone with that man under any circumstances. Don't ask, don't say "i don't want to be", tell him very clearly that it will never happen and he needs to make alternative arrangements for his Dad.

@Onetime888 it is your DH who has to deal with Social Services. Not you. DH has to make clear that he is returning to work and that there is no one available to care for his DF.

DH was in this position with his DM though without the inappropriate behaviour when DFiL had a major stroke and died a few days later.

On the day that DFiL had the stroke DH and his brothers got Social Services involved. They made it very clear that their DM could not be left with just carers coming in a couple of times a day. They made it clear that to do that DMiL would have to be locked into the home with utilities switched off as she would leave water running, hob on etc and had a habit of wandering off.

DH and his brothers had to be very firm that none of them were in a position to take their DM in.

All three of us wives made sure we were nowhere to be seen so that Social Services had to deal only with DM's three sons.

Sexist as it is I think this helped. Caring for elderly relatives is seen as women's work.

Good luck, it did work out for them all as DMiL was immediately taken into a respite care home. From there she was moved to a permanent care home where she spent her last few years.

Apart from the fact your FIL is a horrible old man who's treated you very badly why should you care for him? He's not your dad.
Also if you are WFH you're not available to look after him.
I think need to tell your husband everything or show him this thread so it can open the conversation. Ask your husband if he'd like to help someone who's been sexually harassing him for 30 years.
Who was it who decided you should cook and clean for your FIL? Whoever it was just say no.
At the end of day even if he wasn't an abusive prick it's still not your responsibility to care for him.

I think you should tell DH everything that his father has said/done, no matter how bad. There is no way you should have to be spending time alone with him, it doesn't matter how vulnerable he is, and your husband needs to realise this. Also, why are you the one trying to sort out care, your DH should be doing that. It sounds like a horrible situation, and you are already doing your bit, please be firm and say you can do no more if it means you have to spend time alone with FIL.

I totally agree with the suggestion to write everything down if you can't say it. Your husband needs to know what his father has done to you. And you have to tell him that you absolutely WILL NOT be his father's career. Full stop. And please don't feel guilty for placing a boundary.

Your FIL isn't your responsibility. You have already done so much for him, even though he has been abusive to you. Please put this responsibility back on your husband. Draw a line in the sand, OP. Backing off from your FIL's care will help your mental health so much.

I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult position. It must be incredibly hard to take care of a man who has been sexually harassing you for decades.

You are not a horrible person.

I'm so sorry you've been going through all of this and have no-one who understands why.

You have to explain to your dh. Could you write it down? He needs to understand that you are being hurt every time you go round. It's not acceptable for you to be put in this position.

Are you worried that when you tell him, he will dismiss it?

Can you not give him a slap on the face? Why not? I presume words have had no effect.

Hi.@Onetime888 firstly you need to be 100% honest with your husband about the comments, threats etc. However much it might hurt him he needs to know the full truth or he will never understand why you won't do this.

Second, get a key safe on the outside of the house and hire a private care firm to do half and hour 3 times a day. Apply for attendance allowance for your fil as he fits the criteria so that should pay for about 50% of his care. A key safe means they can let themselves in and bollocks to his refusal

Lastly, you have my deepest sympathy. One of the reasons exdp is an ex is because of his father. Until he became ill with dementia he was lovely but the dementia made him angry, snipey and even more belligerent than usual. He would tell the carers he had no idea who I was, that i was holding him hostage, was stealing his money etc and this was all with very mild dementia. The stealing money was the last straw. I cried in front of the carer and then left. I never saw him again and that was a year before I left his son. I did everything in the backgrounds, shopped, sorted the carers, did all his bills etc but I never set foot near him again. In your shoes I would left him to rot.

What about private carers and a cleaning company? Anyone can arrange a carer to pop on a couple of times a day

Your FIL can pay for a career until a care plan is put in place ( he will have to possibly contribute or pay if savings are over £24k ) and get him 30 minutes during the day each week day

You are being used by both of these men (your FIL and your husband) as an unpaid skivvy and expected to submit to sexual intimidation too

Your husband is not a kind man, he is an enabler and he is ignoring your distress

Walk away from all of it. Do not contact SS again yourself. Do not visit your FIL alone or otherwise. Make your husband take the responsibility by himself....and watch how all of a sudden it isn't acceptable to do what you have been doing for years

Your husband is being unreasonable. I think the most reasonable thing you can do is refuse to help at all in his house. It will force social services to assess him and provide support.

You can still pay bills, collect medicines, buy shopping etc but you have no need to be in his house. I'd be more understanding of your husbands stance if this was a recent issue because this sort of behaviour can be linked to dementia. However, you have had 30 years ofyour husband putting his father before you, time to say no.