Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

I’m so happy you've realised how special you are, OP. And that your husband seems to have done all the right things.

Obviously he’s been thinking about what he has put you through. So have you. I agree that counselling is a wonderful idea for you both. Just remember that all along through this process that you have BOTH made the choice to be complicit (to keep the peace/status quo?) and enable this man’s disgusting behaviour. It is very easy to get wrapped up in the sea of blame looking backward and not move into the future that you both want to create together. (But I agree you both need to address this situation, and it sounds like that’s happening 💫⭐️✨)
I think another thing that needs to be addressed is the very British “polite” silence about things that make them uncomfortable. This is what enables these evil abusers to get away with their systematic abuse of women for such long periods of time. Their behaviours and comments are minimized and justified over and over and they keep getting away with it, even though we know it is simply not okay. Luckily we are slowly changing the world.

We have to sometimes do things we don’t want.
Right well that sick pervert needs looking after by your soon to be ex,as we have to do things we don’t want to do.Only as far as he is concerned that does not apply to him only you.
You should have told me before.I did.Dont bring up the past.
Your so called h really is a twat.
It is disgusting and your husband is disgusting.He is abusing you by forcing this situation on you and minimising at every point.
Do not do another thing for anyone else but yourself.
Think you need to go and stay at a friend or relatives house for a couple of weeks so your so called h gets the picture and you are not bullied into being abused any more

Sorry op I had not read all of the thread.
You seem so clear and strong.

Well done OP.
Your strength & courage will change your life, and that of your family too, and for the better. Don't try to predict where this journey will take you.
Just a thought though, if I had let myself get into a situation where I was ignoring or even enabling my family to abuse my partner, I would probably drink too much as well...there will be many layers to this.

@namechange12a

My shero :-)

This ❤

Wow. I've just read your 'after lunch' comment from yesterday.
What a huge weight off your shoulders.
I'm so pleased for you and you've said yourself you'll be more confident in the future having dealt so well with this crap.

OP amazing. Well done, so well done.

Just a few things.

Yes to not slipping back in any way. It's time for forward, not back - taking control, telling EVERYONE, advising your DD not to see him again, officially informing his doctors and the care team that he is a sexual predator. These are the things YOU do as they are affirmative actions. (And because you wouldn't trust your backsliding H to do them, and you make sure he knows that - you'll decide what to tell the care team not him, thanks).

All the rest, even down to making sure your H has eaten before having to rush off to see his slimy father - NO. You do none of it. And you let your H know that you are choosing not to do it, you NEED to not do it, for your own mental health you not only need to cut these things off but entirely reject them as a way of saying 'None of you had ANY RIGHT to put me through that and I am not going to lift a FINGER to facilitate any of you, ever again.'

Think of it this way - it's your H's penance, in a way. As you say, you aren't sure of your future. Step back and find out for yourself how much this man is willing to step up and say 'I let you down horribly, for years - I understand why you are at the point you are, and I am sorry and I will do whatever I can to make it up to you.' Will he say that? Will he do that? Does he feel that? Step back. Let him prove it. Let him show you whether he really gets it or not.

There should be guilt here by god, but it's not your guilt, it's his.

Let him feel it.

You heal, by staying away not only physically but mentally. He's dead to you.

You're amazing and sound so strong! What an incredible journey you've been on. Well are still on!!
Good luck OP

One thing - now it has finally been accepted by both you and him that it is not acceptable for you to be sexually abused - you may start feeling very very angry with him for letting it happen for so long.

Which is quite reasonable - in this area he has been a terrible husband who has let you down repeatedly for 30 years whilst effectively gaslighting you that all was ok.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/helping-a-loved-one/carers-checklist/

If your DH starts asking you for help again reply with this link. Age UK also have a helpline who give very good advise on money issues/getting external help etc

Brilliant update, OP. I am sad that you now have doubts about the state of your marriage, but that was inevitable and at least you now have the clarity and insight to make good decisions, stand up for yourself and be totally honest - with your husband and with yourself. You have travelled a very long way in a couple of days.

I'm not strong, I just had enough. I took the abuse until I got to the point nothing could make me continue. The brave thing is to not let it get to that stage, to see you deserve so much better.. I really want all of you to stand up for yourself when it's not right. The first time it's not right. I want you to have zero tolerance with anything like this.

Thanks for the links and the information. I've started a little notebook of notes to give my husband so it's all going in there. I am taking full credit for the research so I apologise in advance.

It's day 3 of not seeing him.... I'm never budging again. And I have so much time it's unbelievable.

I cried in John Lewis today, and it wasn't because it's so expensive. (That face mask has additional uses). I'm having a bad day. I'm just trying not to think too much or anything, but I feel like I've lost something,. I feel very sad. Hopefully that will go.

I'm so sorry for anyone who has been through anything like this. And I'm incredibly sorry for anyone who has been through any sort of sexual abuse. I feel like mine was small and insignificant to what a lot of a lot of people have been through. The shame is so hard to live with, I know just saying the words out loud to myself make me want to break down. I hope that's where counselling will help.

I emailed the counsellor, gave an outline of what I was struggling with, family relationships, sexual, verbal abuse , I have no idea if I was supposed to do that but it felt good. I feel a tiny bit daft but I think that's because I'm not used to anything like that. She probably won't respond till Monday.

My husband is worried, he has said a few times today "I hate seeing you sad". I just replied 'I'm allowed to be sad.". I don't know what else to say really.

I am going to get everything written down and documented. I'm starting to think about what that is going to look like. Obviously he is worse because of the dementia but a big part of me wants it to be known that he has been like this for decades. I will tell everyone the historical part and the agencies can decide if that's relevant. I'm starting to write down comments made in the more recent history. I'll get the worst of them along with the nudity etc, alongside the fact he has been known to fixate (like with the neighbour). He needs male carers imho.

Thank you so so much for your support. You have spent so much time giving me help and advice, I can't even begin to say what a difference it means to me. Every single message. All of them.

Just big hugs

I suffered "mild" sexual abuse, you know nothing like many suffered BUT still has had a life long impact on me.

Don't minimise, the colluding from your DH of ignoring it is huge though. He probably colluded through fear and conditioning.

It is terrifying how conditioned we are in our childhoods to put up with this crap

It doesn't matter if others have endured worse abuse, this abuse is the worst that has happened to you. And it matters. It also matters that you had your DH expect you to endure it, because otherwise it would upset the apple cart. You are allowed to be sad, and also, angry, that you were victimised by your FIL, and were not protected and prioritised by your DH.

I'm so glad you are getting counselling. It will really help you get things straight in your head, with an outside perspective with a real person with a real voice, and to help you work through your experiences and the feelings and consequences of your experiences.

You have been so strong Onetime888. I am so pleased for you that you are entering this new phase in your life .

In a way I actually feel a bit sorry for your husband because over the coming days and weeks he will probably come to more and more of a realisation of how unfairly and badly he has treated you. And he will have to live with that.

I wish you continued strength and new happiness

You are allowed to be sad. You have been brought face to face with the realisation that the one person who should 100% have had your back and put you first has massively let you down. That's huge. It needs time, thought and support to process. Don't beat yourself up about the way you feel. It's all part of finally caring for yourself.

@Onetime888 This isn't mild sexual abuse. It is sustained and damaging and will have affected you profoundly. Please no more minimising it.

@Onetime888

I'm not strong, I just had enough. I took the abuse until I got to the point nothing could make me continue. The brave thing is to not let it get to that stage, to see you deserve so much better.. I really want all of you to stand up for yourself when it's not right. The first time it's not right. I want you to have zero tolerance with anything like this.

Thanks for the links and the information. I've started a little notebook of notes to give my husband so it's all going in there. I am taking full credit for the research so I apologise in advance.

It's day 3 of not seeing him.... I'm never budging again. And I have so much time it's unbelievable.

I cried in John Lewis today, and it wasn't because it's so expensive. (That face mask has additional uses). I'm having a bad day. I'm just trying not to think too much or anything, but I feel like I've lost something,. I feel very sad. Hopefully that will go.

I'm so sorry for anyone who has been through anything like this. And I'm incredibly sorry for anyone who has been through any sort of sexual abuse. I feel like mine was small and insignificant to what a lot of a lot of people have been through. The shame is so hard to live with, I know just saying the words out loud to myself make me want to break down. I hope that's where counselling will help.

I emailed the counsellor, gave an outline of what I was struggling with, family relationships, sexual, verbal abuse , I have no idea if I was supposed to do that but it felt good. I feel a tiny bit daft but I think that's because I'm not used to anything like that. She probably won't respond till Monday.

My husband is worried, he has said a few times today "I hate seeing you sad". I just replied 'I'm allowed to be sad.". I don't know what else to say really.

I am going to get everything written down and documented. I'm starting to think about what that is going to look like. Obviously he is worse because of the dementia but a big part of me wants it to be known that he has been like this for decades. I will tell everyone the historical part and the agencies can decide if that's relevant. I'm starting to write down comments made in the more recent history. I'll get the worst of them along with the nudity etc, alongside the fact he has been known to fixate (like with the neighbour). He needs male carers imho.

Thank you so so much for your support. You have spent so much time giving me help and advice, I can't even begin to say what a difference it means to me. Every single message. All of them.

Do. Not. Feel. Daft.

I've been a victim of some horrendous stuff and I actively encourage people who think they've been through "less" bad stuff to get help. Because ANY awful stuff is too much stuff.

Just like ANY abuse is too much abuse.

ANY sexism is too much sexism.

ANY misogyny is too much misogyny.

Etc etc.

You sound lovely, compassionate and caring. You deserve to be happy and to keep yourself safe and well.

We all stand with you

the one who caused the harm should pay the price.
does your h have access to his father's money.
why should you have to spend money on counselling that's needed due to the wrong he did you, over many years, and recently.
it's the least he owes you.
any court would agree.

🌺

Yes to owning your feelings. Do not minimize them to protect anyone else from their own emotional response in reaction to them. They can own that in return. That is when you truly become an adult.
The notebook is a great idea. Try not to use it as a punishment, though. Don’t use words like “You made me”/“He made me feel” because you will remain a victim. Instead choose “I felt”, and “He said”... this places the choice entirely on the person stating and doing and feeling. When you read it, or your DH reads it, there is no reactive blame and no way to twist it around either.

I'm not strong, I just had enough. I took the abuse until I got to the point nothing could make me continue. The brave thing is to not let it get to that stage, to see you deserve so much better.. I really want all of you to stand up for yourself when it's not right. The first time it's not right. I want you to have zero tolerance with anything like this.

You are wrong, you are so strong to have continued doing your 'duty' regardless of the gauntlet you were running every time.

You may feel exhausted and you may go up and down in emotion. You have basically left an abusive relationship.

Be kind to yourself and change you internal voice to be kind. As though you were speaking to a loved one who had been through this. You wouldn't be this tough on them.

So glad you have contacted a Counselor. And regarding you dh, your relationship is starting again. With the new you. You're right, you may not be together but at least you are finally able to be honest and have said you're not prepared to put yourself last anymore.

I do wonder if dh has grown up listening to a little of what his father is like and it became'normal' him having counselling is a good idea.

All this extra time a great, plan some fun stuff and be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

@Onetime888

Thank you.

I just want to say that I don't know if me and my husband are going to get through this. I'm happy he did what he did today as it gave us a chance and I'm happy that I have the opportunity to go to counselling and work out what I want to do.

He has other flaws, he drinks too much and always has to be busy. He also has many good qualities, he loves me, makes me feel like his favourite person in the world. I do trust him in many ways.

I don't know if we will be together this time next year. I'm going to do whatever is right for me. I have no idea right now what that this, but I'm focusing on me now, which I wasn't before. And that is totally due to all of you.

Thank you, goodnight

Do you think the drinking and being 'busy' is to deflect from thinking about his father's behaviour?

Counselling for him will be as vital as it is for you.

I think you are spot on Nanny0gg - however Onetime really needs to put herself front and centre for once - she has a lot of catching up to do.

She is responsible for pushing through with her own recovery and what she wants from life and should continue to focus on this. It’s been wonderful to watch her become so empowered on this thread and none of that power should be dissipated, drained or redirected to her DH who was complicit in this abuse - even up until to a few days ago when he was insisting on that she carry on.

She could suggest/encourage that he seek his own counselling ONCE only - then get back to focus on her own journey.