Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

So someone who abused you and harassed you sexually and made lewd threats against you for 30 years -you have effectively become their cleaner. Fuck that.

I would sit down with your DH and try to explain the key incidents and that you are terrified (and rightly so) of someone who has abused you for 30 years. Now is the time for you both to say -actually no. I won't be doing it anymore I reclaim my life. Hasn't the rcent lockdown taught us -life is short and now is not the time to put what we feel is "right" on long term hold.

Now is the time to get help in for him -but either way your DH needs to accept after 30 years you have done more than enough and you are done. No more cleaning for someone who has abused you for years. etc

Hi @Onetime888, you are getting a lot of good advice here. I have a bit of experience here. DH’s grandfather was living alone 200 miles away from us and needed help. Other PPs are right, SS don’t have many resources and will try to push family into taking on caring even when not appropriate (like your case).
We found that you need to do your research so you can quote the relevant legislation to them and really push them hard. Sadly you only get help if you are a polite, well informed nuisance.
The key safe is also an excellent idea in case of a fall or other emergency people can get in to help.

I have found that you need to be very assertive with adult social services and insist they make an assessment of his needs. They have a duty to do this under the Care Act. It isn't acceptable for them to refuse but they often try as they are under pressure from managers. Please don't let it go- keep pushing.

I echo all of PPs comments. You need to tell your DH exactly what your FIL says and ask him what he would say/do if he was not his father. . If you can brave it - and I'm sure I couldn't - record your FIL and play it back to your DH.
Dementia is NOT an excuse especially in this case as he was verbally abusing you before dementia set in.
As the daughter of an unpleasant sufferer of dementia, you don't have to put up with it. I have walked out when she has verbally and physically abused me. She too refused carers and I told her that it was carers or nothing because I couldn't afford the time she needed.
Unfortunately you need to be tough with SS they are short staffed and very short of money . They have a duty of care to you too!!!! But your FIL does not need a diagnosis to get help. Perhaps your/his GP can help.
You need to stand strong now or your MH will suffer more and your marriage will be under strain. My marriage nearly ended because of the stress of supporting my mother. She is now in a care home and my MH is hugely improved and my marriage back on track. Lock down has been bliss because I can't visit. I am going on Sunday and am already losing sleep because I know that I am only going to get half an hour of abuse.
For your sake stay strong

I am completely overwhelmed by all of the comments, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I am going to take time today to go through them all and think of a plan, I'm going to talk to my husband tonight.

I am not a good person though. I have wished him dead more than once. That sounds truly atrocious. I just feel trapped. I'm not a person who should be caring for someone who I have these thoughts about.

I had my hair done last week and he said I was a "good girl" for wanting to please my husband. I wanted to kill him. And that's an innocent comment. These next comments could be upsetting .....

His comments often refer to my body, positions he likes, how lucky my husband is, how if he had his way ... This or that would happen. He' has told me that he tells people ( his friends) the way he feels. The comments have got much more frequent and cruder in nature. They used to be more deniable I suppose. The first thing he ever said to me was on Christmas day , I was making the dinner and he came into the kitchen and said if I was his wife I wouldn't be able to walk straight let alone make dinner . I pretended I misunderstood and tried to ignore it. I asked him what he wanted for his birthday once, he said a night with me. It makes me utterly sick. He's asked for pictures of me in the past and made it clear what they would be for. I know it's uncomfortable reading so I've kept it as vague as possible but I'm sorry if that's upsetting to anyone.

My FIL was almost 60 when I met him, and he was very old seeming. He was small with white hair. I was in my 20s and I just saw this old man. He's always been seen of as a person who just says things and gets away with it. My husband feels awful about it, but it's been his whole life, he's used to it. I accepted it because everyone did. My husband also only knows more about it recently, he doesn't know close to all of it. I will tell him as much as I need to.

I believe there has been at least two other woman that he has done this to and gotten away with it as well. One woman he worked with and a neighbour who moved ( to get away from him ). I told the neighbour we would understand if she went to the police to report him for harassment. But she just saw a little old man and didn't want to.

My MIL seemed not to see it, so that was another issue. She was a kind woman. She didn't deserve her awful husband.

I am starting to feel sick that I just let this happen. I should have done something more than just avoid the situation.

Thank you so much for your comments. It is absolutely amazing that you have taken the time to try and help me. And I will absolutely keep you updated on what happens.

@Onetime888 you did not let this happen. You have been a victim of repeated sexual harassment and assault. You need to show your dh what you have written here.

You owe that vile scum nothing, and I'd personally be wishing a whole lot more than death on him.

What a horrible situation to be in.

I was initially going to write that the dementia might be affecting his behaviour and he might not be completely in control of his actions, then I read your further message about your FIL making sexual comments and threatening you years ago.

You should not be alone with that man or take on caring responsibilities for him at all.

I would also tell your husband about the history of inappropriate behaviour, which started well before his mind was affected, and be clear that as a result you will have nothing to do with your FIL because you fear for your safety, and rightly so.

You should also make social services aware that you need urgent assessment for your relative because his behaviour is a potential threat to others. Even if you employ external help, this man could after all do something inappropriate to a female carer and safeguarding measures need to be in place.

Should your husband fail to support you, you might have some difficult decisions to make about your partnership long-term...

Oh OP, you poor thing, you even feel guilty for wishing him dead. As tinyhuman said, I too could think of even worse things for him.

But, you need to make sure your dh doesn't minimize FIL's behavior when you tell him all this. Men often don't understand how vulnerable women feel when confronted with this kind of abuse. So don't let your dh say 'but you know him, it's just his way. Or he is old and vulnerable what could he do? or that's a long time ago you need to let go'.

Let's face it, as long as you do everything, neigher your dh nor your fil will see any reason to find a sustainable solution. It's such a hassle and you are the only one sacrificing. As said sadly ss will more likely act when a man contacts them.

Normally it's not good advise to show threads, but in this case where you feel so violated that you find it hard to communicate, perhaps you should show your dh.

Two more thoughts:

1. Sooner or later he will have to get used to carers. It would be near impossible to care for someone, as dementia advances, on your own. You might as well start now.

1. Order a copy of the The Selfish Pig's Guide To Caring by Hugh Marriott. It may have to be second hand as it is quite old, but it usefully covers the less saintly feelings carers can have. My mother was very difficult, and I was lucky both to find a carer who was able to cope/enjoy her feistiness, but have DH who was willing to do his bit, including seeing her when I did not feel up to it. (I did lots and lots behind the scenes, it was the personal stuff which was the most difficult - which is what I meant about you deciding what you are willing to do and where you boundaries are.)

I agree that you shouldn't go in alone. Suggestion though, could his GP help with interim diagnosis until the clinic reopens? To Confirm that memory issues exist & support is needed. Clinic can then give full diagnosis of cause? IE, which type of dementia. Surely GP can at least perform cognitive assessment.

OP, I am so sorry you have endured this abuse, but your instincts are correct. No one is entitled to speak to you abusredisrespectfully. expecting you to tolerate it is abuse. Not one single time. Not for one day. If that man sets himself on fire in his kitchen, that's on him. He has caused you more pain and harm in your lifetime than his death could ever atone for. Tell your husband immediately what he has done. And if your husband is not overwhelmed with sorrow for underreacting to what he has allowed you to suffer, shame him. Never go back. You are so 100 percent right!

You are being used by both of these men (your FIL and your husband) as an unpaid skivvy and expected to submit to sexual intimidation too

Your husband is not a kind man, he is an enabler and he is ignoring your distress

Walk away from all of it. Do not contact SS again yourself. Do not visit your FIL alone or otherwise. Make your husband take the responsibility by himself....and watch how all of a sudden it isn't acceptable to do what you have been doing for years

Any Fucker is spot on with everything she said above. Stop doing it all. I wouldn't be setting one foot back in that house. The only thing I would do if I had the time was extra cooking in my home that DH can take. No more.

Sorry my bold above didn't work

YADNBU he could live another 10-20 years! That's not at all fair on you.

God. He sounds disgusting. SS will always try and shift the responsibility for care onto the famiĺy. It works for some. I refused to care for my mum who had advanced dementia on the basis that it's a serious mental illness and I wasn't able to deal with it. Your FIL can have paid carers if that's what he needs. But you will need to warn SS about his behaviour to protect the carers.
No way should you put up with this. I know loads about this so if you need my help PM me x

I'd wish him dead too if I was you OP. Don't feel bad about it. It's an entirely appropriate response.

Your FIL needs Carers & it is up to your DH to organise it. You don’t even like the man & yet your DH thinks you should be looking after him. Stand your ground on that & don’t back down, you don’t need to explain why because your DH knows the reason. Just keep saying no and mean it.

Oh god how vile.

You've done more than enough. You don't have to do his caring.

There is help that can be provided. You may have to keep asking for it. Sometimes it's a case of those who shout loudest.

You need to tell your dh everything, he needs the full story. If you can't say it, how about writing it down and letting him read it? That way you can pour your heart out and you don't have to see his face when telling him which could prevent you telling him everything.

If your dh still thinks then you need to do caring then tell him to do one.

OP he's a sexual predator as has been mentioned up post and I'll go further and say your husband has been colluding in it.

This is domestic abuse (domestic abuse is abusive behaviour by family or an intimate partner) and I advise you to contact a domestic abuse organisation for help and support.

That disgusting piece of shit shouldn't be around women and I can't believe you're cleaning the fucker's house. Just goes to show how beaten down you are by it. He's actually threatened to sexually assault you and yet, your husband has done nothing to stand up for you which is collusion OP.

I am FUMING on your behalf and absolutely disgusted at the pair of them. I can really see you struggling because you are so conflicted. You don't owe either of them your loyalty. It's your husband's dad and if he wants him looked after, down tools and tell him to sort it out himself.

Stop cleaning his house and let him gas himself. Disgusting creature.

You can find your local domestic abuse organisation here. If your husband decides to get carers in, they'll have to be men OP. Don't allow other women near him as he's a predator.

How about leaving him to fucking rot? How absolutely awful OP you deserve an award for putting up with him. I would love for you to never lift another finger for the abusive, repulsive bastard. What would your husband say if you refused to ever visit again and stopped letting him gain pleasure in controlling you?

Hi OP I didn't want to read and run. You absolutely shouldn't out yourself in a position that you're uncomfortable with. Your fil sounds appalling. You say you met him at 60. It could well be he had signs of dementia then and sexual disinhibition is a common sign. However he could just be a pervy nasty man as well. Don't be pressured. Life's too short

I read with my jaw dropped and an increasing sensation of utter rage on your behalf.

You have been far, far, far too patient and tolerant of this situation.

You already do above and beyond for this horrible old man. Cleaning his house - after all the abuse you've taken for 30 years!

I think you do the bare minimum, and never step foot in his house again. Let him get a cleaner, or let your husband do it.

And stop shielding your husband from what his father is really like - he's not protecting your feelings, is he?

Please take back control of this situation. You are not that wee girl of 20 who was subject to his abuse all those years ago and no doubt didn't know how to deal with it.

@Onetime888

You are absolutely right to say no.

Tell your DH everything about the inappropriate comments, etc. Maybe even get him to read this thread. (I don't normally recommend that.)

It's clear your DH wants you involved because then he doesn't have to be.

But dementia removes inhibitions. Since he is clearly a sexual predator, then I'd expect that any loosened inhibitions around this to make things worse for you. And he may even cross the line and touch you. I don't think you can take the risk.

"I think you can do the bare minimum" that was meant to say.