Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Absolutely NO WAY - your DH (and other agencies) are attempting to force you into doing something that you don't want to do. Not only that, but forcing you into a horrible and totally unacceptable situation. They can all fuck right off.

You DO NOT have to do this.

Say NO and stick to your guns.

If it's so important to your DH that he receives family care, then your DH can deliver it or find a solution that doesn't include you.

My FIL has history for kissing all women on the lips forcibly, including my daughters. That was my final straw and I have never seen him again and would never put myself or my daughters anywhere near him. Of course he doesn't see what the problem is. Women and girls are there to serve men as far as he is concerned.

I STAND WITH YOU.

I stand with you as well OP. You're not alone. It must have felt like you were for years but you're not. I'm sending you rage and strength. Stand by your guns and tell the pair of them to get to fuck.

How DARE they!

I don't know how you can respect your husband, since he's done nothing to protect you from this man. The fact it's his father makes no difference.

Your husband can do the cleaning - why should you be the one to do it? At most I'd say your FIL could have a part of your meal, if your husband took it to him. I might even look after his bills. I wouldn't set foot in his house, though, and I'd tell anyone who listened that a woman should never be left alone with him.

How awful. It sounds like he needs so much support it’s probably time to move him into a home? I mean how would you even have a weekend away or similar?

Thank you for posting, OP, and thank you to all the amazing, supportive people who have responded. You have been abused by this man - and his son, your dh who would not listen to you - for decades. Keep your dd away from him, and you stay away too. Make sure your husband hears everything his father has said - there are no words or ideas so shocking that you have to take the burden of them yourself. Tell his son what the father in law has threatened and suggested. But be ready - your dh might blame you. He shouldn't, but he might. Stop now and look after yourself.

You need to sit down and explain everything he has said and done to you over the years to your husband and then completely and utterly disengage from his care.

Yes this will out your husband under stress but it's his stress to bare and you can support in other ways that has no direct contact with this man.

This man has emotionally abused you for decades and elderly care is not your responsibility because your a women.

I'm reading all your comments and I am so grateful that you have all taken the time. I'm just kind of falling into a black hole, I can't stop crying . I havent stopped crying.

I thought some people would say, or its a generation thing, or I know someone like that.

I woke up this morning thinking, get a plan, get him away from me, get it done. I have phoned his GP and requested a telephone appointment about referring to SWD. They have him down as to be treated as a patient with dementia, they know he has dementia (although it's not confirmed) . He doesn't remember anything about his previous care., They aren't allowing him to make his own decisions. I'm on as a contact.

And I've taken tomorrow off, although I've done next to nothing today.

And I'm just like. Done. I don't want to do anything else. I don't want to see him ever again.

You know what I did at the start of lockdown? I tried to work out the chances of him getting and dying from covid-19. I thought at least then I wouldn't have to visit him in hospital or go to the funeral.

I don't know what to do at all anymore.

I cannot believe that your husband still speaks to this man. If my FIL had ever dared to say something likes this to me and my DH, or indeed any of his male relatives, Found out, he’d have be punched most likely (they’re not violent types, quite the opposite actually, lawyers mostly, but none of them would tolerate sexual harassment ever and have a very visceral reaction to men who treat women poorly).

Just a guess, but I bet FIL doesn't make his worst comments in front of witnesses, and out of consideration for late MIL and your DH, you have always kept a stiff upper lip or concealed the worst. so perhaps DH is unaware just how bad it's got.

If DH doesn't know, its high time to enlighten him in detail, and don't hold anything back.

@Onetime888

Could you talk to your gp, I think you are traumatized and it has finally clicked, ask for therapy to overcome the harassment from the last 30 years.

OP you sound amazing to have coped with this for so long. I'm so glad you reached out. You have to be honest with your husband, even if it upsets him.

God how hideous. I'd flat out refuse to see him I'm afraid.
If your husband gets angry , tell him what he's said to you.

If he can't come to terms with your decision , I'd really have to consider my marriage.

OP, how difficult it must be to tell your DH to his face, the terrible sexual things his father has said and threatened to do to you and about you You don't even feel comfortable saying them here.

I suggest that you write it all down and print it off. Hand it to DH and leave him alone while he reads it.

Time to start taking care of yourself now.

Please sit down and tell your husband everything. Let him know that you need time for a proper talk, not just a quick chat inbetween TV programmes. Everything. What other women have coped with too. What a sick old man - he was probably a sick young man too.

Maybe your husband is more aware than you think - maybe he's had to deal with shit throughout his life, in that it's unlikely the bastard just became one when he met you. It could be that your DH has also been a victim of his father's perverted behaviour - not physically maybe, but having to deal with the fallout.

Please remember you don't have to do one thing you don't want to.

If you feel you really must do something, then write a short note to his GP saying that you will not be participating in any aspect of his care. That way it is on file, in writing, that you are not to be contacted or involved for any of his needs.

Do this with any agency that thinks you are a contact point for him.

Your DH can deal with ALL of it. Never set foot in that house again.

This decision is not down to your DH. It's entirely up to you. Don't let anyone bully you or guilt you into taking your FIL on.

Please look up FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt. It's a form of emotional blackmail. Most of us women have been gaslighted into it from an early age. Conditioned to do as we're told and care for everybody else regardless of the cost to ourselves.

Take good care of yourself. You matter.

I really hope you get this sorted

You do need to talk to your DH and be more open with him

He is asking/expecting you to spend time alone with the man who has abused and harassed you for 30 years. He cannot expect that or even ask that of you.

Your FIL has had the upper hand all these years.
Comments or not, you are obliged to do nothing to help him. Both he and SS are using you.
Now you have the power. I would use it to turn the tables in your favour.
We live our lives as a consequence of the choices we make and therefore you must step away and leave him to it.
Your DH will make his own choices and that will show you who he is.

@Onetime888

He doesn't remember anything about his previous care., They aren't allowing him to make his own decisions. I'm on as a contact.

I've read your thread absolutely aghast OP and can't imagine how bad you've felt in the last YEAR let alone the last 30 years.

I think you are absolutely right to be "Done" with this. You have already done too much.

Like other posters I think you should tell your husband (a) the while, unvarnished truth from the VERY beginning, (b) get him to take charge of his own father's care and well-being. (c) no more cleaning for him. Your husband is perfectly capable rather than sitting with his father whilst YOU do the work-again (or can learn, or pay for a service)

Also the main official contact for his father's care should be your husband and not you. Make sure his numbers are the first in any list (mobile and work numbers). Yours last if you still want to - but ensure you DO NOT get railroaded into taking responsibility for this vile person. You have done enough. 🌹

I would hazard a guess that he has raped someone. The only person I knew who did this and said "twirl a bit more" to his grand-daughters etc -raped at least two of them. He was a predator.

The comments are a criminal offences and this is extreme abuse and he has done it to at least 3 women -that you know of..........no one is safe from him and no one to blame. Maybe tell your DH he has a choice -he sorts it and supports you or you go to the police. Either way you are a victim of a serious crime -and your DH is an enabler allowing it to happen.

Tell your husband EVERYTHING he has ever said to you.

Tell your husband you are no longer calling social services, going to the man's house or doing anything else to be involved.

Get yourself some support.

I am so furious at your post I don't know where to begin.

I really suggest that firstly, you send your H a link to this thread. Perhaps it will allow him to gauge how far from ok most - no, all - people would consider this situation.

Secondly, if you can't talk to him in detail, at least let him know that he knows the tip of the iceberg here, and essentially your FIL has been your sexual abuser for all the years you have been married. A filthy, perverted, aggressive sexual abuser.

Then tell him that you have no intention of setting foot in his house again or being in his company. His care is your H's problem to solve.

Take your name off all correspondence. Tell your H that if you are asked to deal with ANYTHING official again, you're going to ask for it to go on your FIL's notes that you are refusing any link as he has sexually abused you.

Your pig of a FIL richly deserves this, I hope he has many lonely hours ahead of him.

You sound lovely and don't deserve this.
I think very badly of your husband allowing you to be treated like this.
If my FIL ever said anything to me like that, my husband would put him straight.
This is not normal!

I'm going to tell my husband everything, and if he doesn't support me , then I'm going to have to consider leaving him. I don't have any choice anymore.

I just remembered to mention the final straw, why I posted really. He is starting to just walk about his house naked. So my husband goes in first to make sure he's dressed. He's complained that I'm not the one checking on him. I just, I feel so awful. He's just makes me sick to the stomach.

Christ OP.

The new carers are definitely going to have to be told about THAT.

No female carer should have to put up with him and certainly not you. Enough is enough.

Take care of yourself poppet. I really hope your husband "gets it".