Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

I keep reading through the posts and they are so amazing. And I can't believe that you all have a better grasp of the situation than I do. I've always thought of myself as quite a logical and open thinker. But not with this.

The posts are hard to read at times, that my husband wasn't there for me, and I know he wasn't. It's just trying to wait and see what happens next. I've been doing this thing today. Where I keep thinking of his good points versus his bad points, thinking what my life would be like staying versus going. I'm trying not to but I keep doing it. You will see me on a new thread soon , Should I leave my husband? List of good versus bad.... I shouldn't be doing that at all really.

He is saying all the right things, and I believe he means them. But I'm also seeing other areas where I have had to tolerate situations I wasn't happy with. But nobodies perfect. And I'm not either.

I don't know. I need to focus on myself like you all said. This might just be me avoiding things.

I had a better day today. Just a little crying really, a lot of time spent alone , it was lovely. Thank you so much for your posts, they mean a lot

Good night everyone and thank you again xxxxxx

How I think you can tell the difference OP is when you draw the line and he just won't change.

Thus far he is guilty of the minimising crap that unfortunately many people do - but you drew the line and he appears to be getting it.

If you are tolerating other situations you are unhappy with speak up! Be clear about what you want, and he will either understand and change or not.

Then you will know if he's a keeper. It's a man thing human nature to try and get away with things/keep the status quo/make things easy for yourself. If you let him then you will be unhappy.

OP there is an excellent book by Mira Kirschenbaum called “too good to leave, too bad to stay”. It poses several fundamental questions about your partner/relationship that really help crystallise whether the relationship is healthy and worth saving or if there are fundamental problems that will never be fixed. I know you have a lot on your plate right now but if you need some guidance about whether to stay in your relationship this book gives very sound, wise advice. 🌹

Hi op, how are you doing? Sending you a huge hug. You've make enormous strides already.

@Vodkacranberryplease

Thank you so much for your comment, it has helped me actually. It makes me think that it's not just all going to definitely turn bad. My husband's been hugely supportive to me in other emotional difficulties, bereavements etc. He really is a good husband in many ways. But just not in this. I'm still waiting and seeing what happens, but thank you. I appreciate that.

@Russellbrandshair

I have ordered that book! I have my counselling organised ( starting in just under three weeks), my husband is going back to work next week.and he's out at his dad in the evening time so I will have plenty of time to do some reading and thinking. Thank you for thinking of me.

@Greyblueeyes

Thank you so much for the hug, I would accept it gratefully. I am doing okay mostly. I can't believe I posted less than a week ago and I have to say that few days of posting passed in a bit of a blur for me. I could not understand the amount of support I have received. I'm not exaggerating when I thought people would be sympathetic to the comments but feel that I had to tolerate them. I just feel like my mind is still catching up with this new reality.

I had mentioned some of the comments to a friend many years ago , and I remember she laughed and called him a "dirty old man" and said that it's something that you have to deal with you're young but the good thing it stops when you get older. So many things wrong with what she said I don't even know where to start.

Thank you everybody for posting. I will update when things have moved on with my father in law's care but at the moment my husband is doing everything for his dad and I'm doing everything in the house. It seems a fair division at the moment, and it's so peaceful for me I can't even believe it.

I do have quite a lot of anger at times as well, this morning was particularly bad, but it goes again.

Thank you so much for your comments and support all through the thread. I appreciate it so very, very much.

How are you OP?