Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

I almost commented on your thread with the hope that his initial reaction was one of fear, not logic, and that some time to let it settle in when result in him supporting you. It sounds like that is the case.

I think you’re just fantastic honestly, so brave. I have experienced sexual assault in the past on 3 occasions and have never been brave enough to do anything about it. Your FIL is a disgusting man, and I think that your husband and his mum may have been subjected to abuse when he was young and it’s made him scared/tolerate his ways in later life. I’m so sorry you have been subjected to that. I truly am xx

Bloody well done, op

I'm relieved beyond words for you OP.

Interesting that he's hyper-aware for your daughter to not ever go there, but to date, he's been willing for you to be there.

Still, moving forward, he's doing the right and only right thing to do.

As others have said, be vigilant and stick to your guns.

I'm so pleased for you. So pleased. I was dreading the update a bit but I had to keep checking on you!

I hope you and DH can be a team now regarding FIL now he's done the right thing. I'm so glad you held firm and I daresay, shocked him into action.

Separate counselling for you both is a good idea. The only way is up now OP. You should be really proud of yourself

This is so great! What a fantastic outcome! Yes, it's a long road, but you've jumped the first very high hurdle.

I was reading your thread last night and this morning but I’ve not had time to catch up tonight. Therefore I don’t know if what I’m about to say is or isn’t an original thought! I think, @Onetime888, you mentioned a son and daughter, both young adults. My concern is that they both need to hear from you about their GF’s history of abuse. It would be awful if your husband tried to get your daughter involved in GF’s care. They need to both hear from you so you know the correct unsweetened version has been told. I’m sorry this is so ghastly for you, OP. I agree with others on here you do need to report FIL’s behaviour to the GP and SS. Like others have said, you have to get it on record.

Well done xx you brave lady. So pleased for u xx You did it, be proud of yrself xxx

Well done OP that is brilliant news. You should be really proud of yourself 💐

Well done OP.

I think we've all learned something here , not just your suffering but also your courage

I hope you will tell both your children everything, no holds barred, including how hard it was for you to tell and get help.

Sorry, but it's not certain you were FILs only family victim , and he may not only have targeted females. So all the family need to know that if they've been keeping his horrible secret quiet like you had to, its safe to tell now, they will be heard and believed.

@Onetime888 well done you have achieved a lot in a short space of time. Remember, you never have to set foot in FIL’s house again no matter what happens in the future, your FIL’s care is not your responsibility.

@2bazookas

Well done OP.

I think we've all learned something here , not just your suffering but also your courage

I hope you will tell both your children everything, no holds barred, including how hard it was for you to tell and get help.

Sorry, but it's not certain you were FILs only family victim , and he may not only have targeted females. So all the family need to know that if they've been keeping his horrible secret quiet like you had to, its safe to tell now, they will be heard and believed.

Totally agree with this

You are amazing OP! Never doubt how strong you are.

Well done op, I'm so proud of you.

I am so, so proud of you OP. I know it's hard to share all of the sexually abusive comments with your husband. It's the shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I had a lot of counseling to help me deal with the sexual harassment that I experienced. It helped so much.

You have taken a huge step forward. You have asserted your boundaries and that in itself can be really freeing. Don't underestimate how big a step you have just taken.

I'm so glad your husband is on your side. Counseling together could be really beneficial here too.

You are going to be ok. You are taking care of you now. And I am so happy for you.

Thank you so much everyone.

I am going to speak to my daughter and tell her the type of comments that her grandad made and how they are wrong. I'm going to plan the conversation though. I won't tell her the worst of the comments, but not just because I'm ashamed but because I want her to know that any and all of the comments he made are out of order and unacceptable. I don't want her to compare someone saying something to her to the worst of what my FIL said to me and thinking , "well it's not that bad, I should let it go" .

I have always been protective of her and I was careful with both myself and my children around him. But I know it's impossible to always be there. I will definitely talk to her in length. She's the only other female relative still alive.

Thank you for thinking of her. It is my hope that she won't be seeing him again either. Ever. That's what I will be asking her anyway.

Well done @onetime888. You are so strong. You may have a long way to go still, but you have come so far in such a short time. You are an inspiration.

I am delighted for you that you spoke up firmly and took decisive action. I hope that you have savour that feeling of pride and empowerment after the helpless and hopeless place your FIL held you in for 3 decades.

I am glad your DH has finally seen the light.

Don’t give him too many accolades for something he witnessed and should have intercepted 30 years ago to spare your abuse.

Also him “taking in all the care” - doesn’t deserve a round of applause either - that’s where it all should have been in the first instance - it’s his father.

With regards to him telling the GP, agency workers etc. I would ensure that you see he has done that in writing as I think he will avoid it.

I am disappointed that he thinks it’s OK to send in your DS - maybe still shows still some minimising and lack of understanding of the gravity of the issue?

Don’t beat yourself up for not speaking up sooner - you were trying to protect your MIL, DH, DCs which although misguided is how FIL manipulated the situation to make you feel.

I would write out exactly what FIL said and when to show your DH. He needs to know what this vile man did to his young virgin girlfriend - imagine a stranger treating his own daughter like that.

I have read all of your thread over two days and I want to add my “well done”. I hope this continues to work for you xxx

Phew, I’ve just caught up and read the post-lunch update. OP, I’m so glad your husband has taken on board your needs and POV. I did hope he just needed time to think and get used to the new situation, and it seems that’s what’s happening. Be prepared for your life and especially your marriage to be a bit different from now on - with such a big and sudden change in your husband’s attitude and behaviour it could feel decidedly odd for a bit. I’m happy you’re going to speak to your daughter. I understand why you feel you should be cautious in what you tell her. However, I wouldn’t rule out putting your son in the picture too. Take care and have a great weekend. You should be very proud of yourself at how much you’ve achieved in the last 24 hours. With the might of Mumsnet you can do anything now!

I've been working all day and come home to the lunch updates. Wow. You, lady, are one fanatastic woman and I'm so pleased your husband has finally faced the truth and acted properly on it

I am so pleased for you.
As PP have said, Keep sticking to your guns!!!
I tbh, would have zero to do with even helping your DH with anything related to your FIL- You have done more than enough.

I would personally, insist your DC have zero contact with your FIL ever again, not even to help your DH.
Your DD is at the highest risk still .
I hope your DC fully support you , when they are told what is happening
I hope your DH , after 30 yrs, stops being a twat. I personally couldnt forgive him.

I'm so pleased that you are now safe and never have to deal with the last 30yrs , ever again .

Good Luck OP xx

Thank you.

I just want to say that I don't know if me and my husband are going to get through this. I'm happy he did what he did today as it gave us a chance and I'm happy that I have the opportunity to go to counselling and work out what I want to do.

He has other flaws, he drinks too much and always has to be busy. He also has many good qualities, he loves me, makes me feel like his favourite person in the world. I do trust him in many ways.

I don't know if we will be together this time next year. I'm going to do whatever is right for me. I have no idea right now what that this, but I'm focusing on me now, which I wasn't before. And that is totally due to all of you.

Thank you, goodnight

My shero :-)