Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

its how they talk in his work, in his background

I'd love to know what line of work and background makes it ok to be sexually abusive to family members and imply female members might try prostitution.

I don't tell my husband the worst things because I am deeply ashamed and because I'm scared it still wouldn't make any difference to him

They have done quite a number on you haven't they? I'm too late to advise you to do the lunch at home where you feel free to express yourself rather than in a public place where you will be constrained. I hope it goes well and that he believes you and takes it seriously.

Any spouse, with any sense of decency, in your dh’s situation, @Onetime888, would have laid down the law with his father years ago. His father’s comments are, as previous postars have said, verbal sexual,abuse - and your dh has effectively been complicit in that abuse.

He has absolutely NO fucking right whatsoever to ask you to care for his father on your own, or to try to pressure or guilt trip you into doing it.

You have already gone above and beyond, and now you need to look after your own mental health. I am glad you have had so much support here, and I hope we can continue to provide you with the ongoing support you need.

The suggestion that your husband nags Social Services to do their job is a very good one.
We had trouble with them over my FIL, and a few years later with an adult of our own generation who became really extremely manipulative.
We just had to keep on until they did the right thing.
When they did the 'patients' had a better life. Transforming. Reassure your DH.
The carers looked after them well because they wanted to, not out of duty. They have a calling.
You have put up with so much over the years, I hope it stops now.

If I wasn't an environmentalist I'd suggest printing this thread out and wallpapering his office with it.

The collective outrage speaks to how serious this situation is and that your husband is firmly on the wrong side of it.

Loads of love and support. Busy day today, so haven't caught up with the thread yet. But I can see it didn't go well. xx

Christmascarcass has said it perfectly. OP i do hope it goes well. I'm hoping for the best for you but fearing the worst. I hope I'm wrong. X

Christmascarcass is SPOT ON.

What I don't understand is just because you won't go why does that mean he won't help his dad at all? Why such a binary reaction? Why can't he do the things you do? If he goes every time you go to keep him away from you, why doesn't he just crack on with it?

Basically he wants YOU to do all the hard work. And now you're saying you don't want to be assaulted and are suffering severe stress as a result, that's a luxury?!? Unbelievable. I really can't get my head around him thinking that.

@soruff They don't make it easy, do they? Some years ago my friend got married, and three weeks later her mother in law had to come to stay with them because she was ill and had been discharged from hospital but was unable to look after herself. My friend nursed her for nearly a year, and was at breaking point when the old lady was admitted into hospital for one week's respite care. When the hospital phoned to arrange for them to collect her, they simply refused to have her back. My friend and her husband felt very guilty, but it was the only way they could get any help.

Mind is blown by this. Not wanting to be sexually assaulted is not a luxury. FFS.

I bet if you threw some sunlight on it there will many who will come forward who have crossed his path and you would have your own local #MeToo collective.

I am not surprised his wife was 10 years younger. Did they have a wide and open social life - somehow I doubt it.....

This is so scary.

Your FIL believes that women should be treated like this, and it looks like the apple didn't fall very far from the tree.

Op - look how far you have come in less than24 hours! From this in your first post:-

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

To this now:-

I think if my husband doesn't have my back with everything that he knows , and me telling him how I feel. Then I don't want to be with him.

What you have said in the second post is such a brilliant and brave thing to say. Mumsnet gets so much criticism and sometimes is really quite awful but for this thread I think it has been amazing.

I really hope your lunch went well. I really hope you husband now has your back. But if he doesn’t - then think how lovely your life will be without your FIL in it. You will never ever have to see him again or talk about him again or even think about him again if you divorce your dh. So the onus is on him to prove that he is worth sticking around for.

they are a luxury we can't afford (not talking financially, just practically I think) and are inconvenient. And life isn't always about doing what we want
This seems hyperbolic to me. Practically speaking, carers would free up time for both of you. Theres much less inconvenience with carers. If he means it's a bad time, well honestly when is a good time for this conversation?

I truly hope your husband thinks it over and protects you from now on.
But I suspect he wont, so maybe you'll be heading for a divorce. Whatever happens, get yourself a good counselor and begin to heal.

People can be easily conditioned to minimise this kind of behaviour, no body wants to rock the boat. You have been doing it for years and your husband has been doing it for a lifetime.
If your FIL started punching you would that be acceptable? Or is physical health more important than mental health. You are not over reacting you are rightly affected deeply by years of controlling sexual verbal abuse.

Been thinking about you today, OP. How are you?

I can't believe that he was so brazen about the prostitution comment - in front of your H and MIL!! He's been hiding in plain sight all these years. Disgusting predator.

Every time I come back to this thread I am absolutely astounded by the number of comments and I read and take time over every single one. It's really made me struggle with my thoughts. I am not used to this level of support. It's really amazing actually.

So . Lunch. Basically my husband has in essence gave me everything I want. He spent time this morning contacting people he knows that have had to use carers and asked them for contact details of agencies etc. I've told him he has to give all details of the nudity and sexual comments. No holds barred. To everyone, every agency that's involved. They have to know.

He has asked me to give him all the details of my FILs care to date, all his appointments, letters etc. Phone numbers. He said he's aiming to have full time care within a month, hopefully have him in a home by the end of the year. He knows nothing about this so he's stressed. But he seems like he is going to take it on. He said he's doing all of this himself from this point forward.

He's contacted his boss and explained the situation. He has agreed to a flexible time agreement for a few months.

He said I never have to see FIL again. ( I just smiled there, I do feel amazing about that).

He has spoken to our son and told him a little bit of the situation , which I'm not happy about. But I can't control everything. He wants our son to care of FIL for two days so he can book a hotel for us, I've said absolutely not. My son isn't dealing with this. I won't do this. Although it's tempting. We can pay extra care when that's set up if that's something that we want to do.

He wants me to speak to our daughter, tell her it's never going to be appropriate for her to visit . I had kept her away but not specifically said that before.

It feels real. It's the strangest feeling, like I've been seeing this thing in front of me for years, but nobody else could. And suddenly, overnight, everyone can see it.

I don't understand why he went from where he was last night to where he is today. The cynical side of me wonders if it's because he realised he had no choice? But at the same time, I have everything I asked for. I'm going to have to see what happens going forward.... He said all the right things, he is going to be there for me, he loves me.....

He did apologise.

I still have a big thought in the back of my mind asking if I want to stay with him. I don't feel like the same person I was, but it might be just temporary. I have thought , as PPs have suggested, what would have happened if anyone had subjected my DH to verbal, sexual abuse? And I would have defended him above absolutely everyone. There's no was I would have ignored it.

My lunch though, it couldn't have went better. It really couldn't have.

If it wasn't for all of you posters, if I had a few people saying it wasn't that unusual or it wasn't that bad. Then I would have kept going till I had a breakdown. So , you really made a massive difference in my life. Thank you.

I have just read this completely agog, well done for tackling this now. How horrendous for you. And how strong you are.

Another woman here, standing next to you figuratively and holding your hand.

Wonderful OP, really wonderful. Well done. Now whatever you do embrace your new life and don't let anyone make you feel guilty!

@Onetime888

What a brilliant, positive outcome. I really am happy for you! I hope it all works out, that your FIL gets the correct care, that your husband and you can ride through this storm and come out stronger at the end.

I love a happy ending xxx

Result!

OP, I'm so pleased the lunch was so positive.

I wonder if your husband panicked when you first told him you were done, and it was a gut reaction that he couldn't (or wouldn't) do it all? That doesn't excuse it. I guess time will tell, but its a positive sign that he's being proactive and not expecting you to make all the arrangements for him.

Take a few days and see how things settle down. I'm sure this has been really tough emotionally. Be kind to yourself this weekend.

Oh, @Onetime888, I loved reading that. Well done.

That’s great @Onetime888.

You already knew you weren’t seeing FIL again but good that DH said it.

I don’t think you need to or even should make any decisions now when everything is so raw and so new.

As plenty have said the FOG around abusive parents is very complicated.

The fact that DH was proactive this morning is good. Take the win.

You don’t have to stay with him and you don’t have to leave him.

I would suggest counselling for you both. Not necessarily together. It’s just that there’s a lot to unpick here and it will do no harm to have professional help with that.

My only word of caution would be not to fall into the trap of guilt. Don’t take over appointments and stuff because your husband is stressed or lost or anything else.

Essentially what I’m saying is stick to your guns.

For now, enjoy the fact that it’s out there and you don’t ever have to see that abusive, predatory bastard again.

So pleased that lunch was positive and your dh is stepping up. I hope things pan out ok. I’ve been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today.

He said he's aiming to have full time care within a month, hopefully have him in a home by the end of the year. He knows nothing about this so he's stressed. But he seems like he is going to take it on. He said he's doing all of this himself from this point forward.

He should have been doing this from day dot!

Onetime888 I'm seriously glad your DH has pulled his finger out but still angry on your behalf that he allowed you to be burdened with your FIL (both caring issues and the sexual harassment) for so long but did nothing and now that the caring is up to him he's decided to do something about it but was happy for you to do it all, as well as the trauma of regularly facing your sexual harrasser? I really bloody hope he realises how damned lucky he is to have you and proves this to you from now on in word and deed.