Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

That is a fab update. Well done OP. I do think too, that however shitty it is of your husband to have been so insistent on you doing it, it must've taken a lot for him to admit to himself what his DF is.

Oh well done @Onetime888 Well done and I'm so pleased your husband seems to have thought about what you've told him and came to the right conclusion.

I'm glad he's spoken to his boss and put some flexibility n place so he can come to grips with the FIL problem on a more managed, longer term basis.

However ... don't relax your vigilance totally just yet. Old habits die hard. He's just at the beginning of this road and there may well be some creep back of old behaviours once life gets in the way. Eg: He wants our son to care of FIL for two days so he can book a hotel for us, That's just kicking the can down the road a bit.

I hope your talk with your daughter goes well - I know that will be hard but, at last, some daylight is shining on this secret.

Treat yourself gently, OP and I hope your counselling also goes well. Enjoy your life. 🌹

I am so happy to read your update @Onetime888
I am glad you felt the power of us all standing with you ❤️
All the best for you going forward, and I hope you will keep us updated, if you feel able (no pressure)

I'm definitely going to counselling, I've found one locally I'm going to email over the weekend. I want my husband to go as well. ( Not joint, individually) I will speak to him maybe gently.

I am shocked by what I allowed a person to say to me and I tolerated. I struggle to explain it. I hope younger people do better than I have in sticking up for themselves, well I hope every women in the world would do better than me.

Everyone needs to have firm boundaries on this, they need to know this is wrong. They also need to speak if they witness it. The "me too" movement hopefully made a massive difference in educating people. I will definitely speak loudly if I ever see this.

I feel so glad I never have to see him again.

And I'm glad it's out there.

I have just read this whole thread. Well done, OP. I am so glad for you and that you have a plan. Counselling is important abc will help you immeasurably. Good luck to you

I think I speak for everyone on this thread when I say we applaud you, Op. You’re a heroine. Be proud.

👏🏻 👏🏻👏🏻

Brilliant-well done OP. Hopefully he was just in shock and deflecting guilt about what he let happen to you and will be exemplary from here on out, but either way you rock!

Well done OP! You are so amazing and so brave

OP you are wonderful. After a day of reading horrible news, you’ve restored my faith. Isn’t there a saying about when one person stands up, they stand up for all? I will teach my DD never to tolerate abuse like this.

Such a positive update OneTime888

I suspect your DH is going to need some therapy to reconcile his thoughts/views. That's very much not your responsibility though!

I hope you feel as if a weight has been lifted. Keep up that momentum!

Maya Angelou — 'Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women.'

Yay, great outcome . Good luck.

So happy to read your update. I would assume your dh needed time to have a good think. It's natural, when we get such shocking news, our first instinct is denial. Get that counselling and look forward to your future.

OP I've just RTFT today and I'm so pleased you have stood up for yourself and also are organising counselling. Your FIL is a sexual predator without a doubt so you've been through a trauma. I'm horrified but sadly not surprised that SS tried to guilt trip you into continuing to provide care via you or a family. We know it's underfunded but it's plain wrong that anyone has to care for their abuser.

Be proud of yourself.

Brilliant OP. But just to clarify one thing, you and DH don't pay for any care at all for FIL. He pays for that himself if able. And if not, SS will fund. You're obliged to pay for nothing. Even if it makes your life easier. Don't do it.

It feels real. It's the strangest feeling, like I've been seeing this thing in front of me for years, but nobody else could. And suddenly, overnight, everyone can see it.

OP, perhaps it's because you finally verbalised the entire thing, and stated what was and what was not going to happen from this point on.

Whatever you do in the future, please always remember that the day you stood up and said what you had to say was the day everything changed.

Yes, in the past you've mentioned odd things here and there, but this is the first time (I think) that you've really stood up for yourself, have known that you were right, have had the support of internet Mumsnet friends, and just gone for it.

Your very first sentence on this thread was "I'm not proud of this". As if you had somehow done something wrong. You were shocked at the support you received.

Please make moves to make sure you don't doubt yourself or your feelings again.

Great update. But one cautionary note, which is to make sure that it happens - and doesn't slide off into being too busy and then disappear completely.

I will get my last removed. I was done reading the thread, then going back and forth to do some things and typing a reply, and got distracted, and by the time I was finished you have made two more posts, OP, and my comment was no longer relevant.

I hope your DH changed his mind because he finally realized he was letting you down, and you mattered more. After all, he really has known all along, he just got away with ignoring the horrible truth about his dad. He probably was aware his dad was awful before he even met you, but he already knew it was because of his dad's age, and coworkers, and any other excuse. that he had excuses shows he was already hiding from that truth.

Well done OP, great update.

It must be hard for your husband to have to face what a horrible man his father is. I think counselling for him to is a good idea.

Well done! And, please try to lose the guilt, YOU did nothing wrong, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of, and you are so very strong for setting boundaries and saying "NO"

Sending you a huge hug. Youve shown such strength

I am definitely going to make sure that things don't slip back and I agree , I think the real "win" here is that I finally stood up for myself and said "no more, I deserve better". All the other benefits are just icing.

You lot are very, very wise. I will come back and update. Definitely. I'm on an absolute high with myself right now, I'm feeling very happy ( and I will be honest your lovely posts have also made me cry) . So.... I would absolutely recommend sharing your problems with mumsnetters . You lot are so kind.

Huge well done OP. You have nothin to apologise or hide from, you do not have to cover from him, it’s your FIL shame not yours. So tell your husband everything, it’s nothing against you and entirely on your FIL.

I hope things work out and you work through why your DH let it slide this whole time, I’m sorry for that. I’d tell the GP yourself about the issues to protect people going forwards from FIL.