Difficult situation with Father in law. AIBU?

[Onetime888]

Name change as I am not proud of this.

I am early 50s, my FIL is late 80s, our relationship has always been difficult. To put it frankly, I really hate having him in my life. He's rude and selfish but the thing that really, really upsets me is he has made a lot of inappropriate comments to me about the way I look. Creepy old man comments. I won't repeat any of the comments but they are awful , and they make me feel very uncomfortable, they always have. (Sexual type comments)

I have always been low contact with him because if this, but my MIL died a few years ago and since then we have had to do a lot more care for him, he is currently waiting for an assessment at the mind clinic (suspected dementia). The appointment has been delayed till I don't know when.

He is very vulnerable, won't be able to make his lunch himself etc. He's left the Tap running overnight, left the gas hob on.... He's really not able to take care of himself.

He has got a lot worse with his comments in the last year or so. To the point I absolutely refuse to see him alone. I really feel like a terrible person but it upsets me a great deal.

My husband is going back to work in a couple of weeks, I'm not going back till at least early next year (WFH), so my husband has effectively told me I can do caring duties during the day. On my own. There is nobody else to do it. We have been doing it together up to this point but it's turning into a long haul situation.

I've said point blank no, I won't do it. My husband understands to a point but thinks his dad being vulnerable is more important than my feelings, but I actually threw up at the thought of it. I can't do it. I just can't.

He will be left on his own every day with the two of us visiting every evening.

I get his shopping, sort out his money, pay his bills. I'm happy doing things that don't involve him but I can't do this, visit him and check he's okay during the day.

I've phoned SWD for help (before lockdown), the social worker I spoke to wasn't helpful and said we need the diagnosis for a care plan. I have no idea when this will actually happen.

I've tried talking about hiring help, my FIL says no, absolutely not. He won't let them in.

So I don't know what to do now. I really don't. I have a feeling I need to just accept I have to do this, but I desperately don't want to.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

I think if my husband doesn't have my back with everything that he knows , and me telling him how I feel. Then I don't want to be with him.

If he has my back I will think about telling him everything.

I hope your lunch goes well

I think your next stage is looking at writing your DH a letter or email where you can detail more of the abuse without having to say it out loud, as well as describe - without being shouted down - exactly how not only his father's actions made you feel, but also HIS lack of action and condoning of the abuse.

Your DH colluded. It's all appalling, every bit of it.

Cross posts OP, yes, I'd agree.

One of the most common contributors to silence around sexual assault is shame.

This is an American article OP.

www.mhpcolorado.org/i-dont-want-to-talk-about-it-shame/

But is shows how normal shame is as a response in your situation.

If your DH doesn't respond in a supportive way remember that he has had decades of being prepared to respond in the way he his, minimizing or ignoring.
It doesn't mean it is right or that you should accept it but it might take some pain out of the response.
Abusers like FIL spend decades building up families who will ignore and minimize so that the abuser can continue to abuse in plain sight.
Hoping your lunch goes well.

This sense of shame is what abusers rely on to keep people quiet. The truth is, you have nothing to be ashamed of, absolutely nothing. You have done nothing wrong.

Oh OP I completely understand the shame and internalised guilt over something you had absolutely no control. The sheer timescale of how long you have endured this vile man in your life (even lc) is a testament to how strong you are and conversely how weak or morally dubious your husband is.

He knew, he knew enough, if not the worst of it, to have cut him out of your lives decades ago. He knew enough to always accompany you, so he knew there was a risk.

But now your feelings are a luxury, his work situation has changed so you just need to get in with it??!! That level of dissonance is frightening and does show how low he places your personal safety and mental well-being over inconvenience to him.

He is trying to guilt you into caring for his father, almost like a child. If you won’t do it then I won’t either! That’s emotional blackmail and would affect my feelings for him as he obviously sees himself as above providing the support.

The man has sufficient money to pay for care whether in his own home or a specialist care home. There is simply no need for family to be doing it.

Good luck at lunch (if you choose to go)

@Onetime888

I don't tell my husband the worst things because I am deeply ashamed and because I'm scared it still wouldn't make any difference to him.
YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of - please remember that in your future dealings with your husband, and everyone else.

If knowing the whole truth makes no difference to him he doesn't deserve to have you in his life from this point on. Enough. 🌹

OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of!

If knowing all wouldn't make a difference to your DH - then it's up to you whether you'd want to stay with DH knowing he doesn't have your back even when he is informed of the fullness of the abuse.... definitely get therapy to help you have a better look at your married life among other things...

Also ask DH if he'd be as minimising if it was happening to his own child...

As other PPs have said, put the details of his verbal sexual abuse in writing. You also may find doing so cathartic. It’s disgraceful that you have been made to feel shame that you cannot give voice to it. It is not your shame, but that of your abusive FIL.

I’m sorry you have had to live with this. I understand the real reason it’s been hard to tell your dh all the incidents is because you don’t want to confront the fact that he has not had your back for your entire marriage, and let you be abused. I’m sure there are historic reasons for that, but it’s also weak and pathetic and I think you see that now. So perhaps you can start to tell him.

But, right now, that’s not the issue. You don’t have to keep adding detail to convince him his dad is a monster. He’s definitely seen more than enough to know he should have said something a hundred times over and protected you. Stick to your 3 options, and say you hope for more for your dc in their partners than what he’s been for you in hugely important ways, that you have always lied to yourself that he loves you deeply and would always put you first but can’t do that anymore, you are looking at him with new eyes.

And report your fil in detail but I know you’re doing that :)

OP this hasn't sunk in for you yet and most people would rather bury their heads in the sand but your husband colluded in this abuse. He said nothing to his father about his sexually abusive comments over decades.

You need to start putting yourself first here because your husband evidently won't. I was not in the least surprised at his response because he's always known what the old goat was like and did nothing about it so why would he start now?

Your husband has thrown you under a bus for years because that was the easier thing to do. Speaking to his father would have caused trouble and the facade would have been lifted and everyone would have to face the fact that Dad's a sexual predator. I have no doubt, his mother suffered sexual abuse throughout their married life.

Your husband's attitude towards you is that you put up and shut up. There is no 'we', there is only I. He is not your father and even if he hadn't abused you, his care is not your responsibility. I'm gobsmacked you are the main point of contact when you also work and have your own responsibilities. Why are you the main point of contact for someone else's dad? Your husband is perfectly capable of taking and making phone calls and dealing with people but he prefers to dump it on you. Why can't he clean his own father's house?

And threatening to move? What does that even mean? You don't want anything to do with his father so now you both have to uproot your lives and move across the country? He doesn't sound rational.

Please contact The Survivor's Trust for specialist support and counselling: 08088 010 818 That's the number of their helpline where you can talk to someone about the abuse and they will understand and validate your feelings - which is exactly what you need right now. They'll help you to find appropriate support.

Phone lines are open:
Mon - Fri 10am – 8:30pm
Sat 10am – 12:30pm, 1:30pm – 4:30pm and 6pm – 8:30pm
Sun 1:30pm – 4:30pm and 6pm – 8:30pm

OP you've told your husband that you've been subjected to sexual abuse for decades and your husband's reaction is to shrug and tell you to get on with it. That you don't have the 'luxury' of feelings or needs. That's not someone I could stay married to.

OP sometimes the first step on a course of action is the hardest one to take. You've done that now. No matter what happens next, you never have to see that man or be in his presence again. That must be a huge relief to you and you are entitled to be glad about that. Don't let your dh make you feel bad about protecting yourself. If he pulls that shit, give him hell.

Perhaps it is your tradition to go out for lunch and that's fine, if not consider your dh might want to do the talk in public to silence you.

I'm going now, I will update you all later on what happens . I have read all your posts, I'm going to keep calm and take care of me.

Thank you.

Good luck @Onetime888

Sending strong positive thoughts for your lunch date xx I trust he is paying in full isn’t he, as the first tiny move towards apology.
I hope he’s been thinking about his behaviour and is ready to listen to you.
Remember, three possible solutions- YOUR choice as to which one will happen. His only choice is to support you as well as accepting your choice or leave. No compromise.
You, however are entitled to change your choice to one of the other two options at any point for any reason.

Good luck OP

Good luck x

@Onetime888

I think if my husband doesn't have my back with everything that he knows , and me telling him how I feel. Then I don't want to be with him.

If he has my back I will think about telling him everything.

This what it boils down to. I’ve read your posts in isolation and your DHs reaction to your request to withdraw from having to deal with FIL is utterly pathetic.

As chronic as this may sounds you may need to accept that your marriage is suspended until FIL dies if you hit a total impasse with DH. Perhaps only when the old bastard has snuffed it will your DH be able to truly examine what a shit his DF was and give you a profuse apology.

I dunno, but something has to give now and YANBU by any stretch of the imagination, I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with such gross behaviour

This man has talked for years about how he wants to rape you (he knows you don’t want to have sex with him, so all the comments about what he wants to do to you sexually are descriptions of rape).

And your husband wants to send you in to this man, every day, while he is naked, when there is nobody else within screaming distance? When he has dementia, and no longer has the ability to assess the consequences of his actions that he might have had when he was younger?

Really, how does your husband see this panning out? It is quite obvious that if you go in alone, you will be assaulted sooner rather than later.

Your husband is well aware of that, which is why he has been going in first. But now it’s inconvenient for him, he’s decided it doesn’t matter if you get raped, that avoiding rape is a luxury he won’t allow you? Honestly, there is nothing he could say that would be able to make up for that - it is a marriage-ending statement.

I think @ChristmasCarcass has put it as succinctly and correctly as possible here.

He's basically told you that if his wife gets raped or sexually assaulted, it's a price that is worth paying for him rather than inconveniencing himself or exposing his sordid family secret of Dad to outsiders such as care staff.

That's not what a kind and loving husband would ever contemplate.

I agree that he's been conditioned all his life not to stand up to his father, and to an extent the predatory behaviour has been normalised in his life. But on some level he knows who his father really is. He's not daft. But it's also breathtaking that he will put you at direct risk of a man who's predatory behaviour will absolutely escalate (and is escalating!) For 30 years it's been innuendo and comments, now he's progressed to flashing.

My lovely Dad had dementia. One of the most prudish, modest men and with the medications /dementia he got quite frisky and suggestive. Now it was aimed towards his wife only. He was too frail with other conditions to act on it anything more than asking her for kisses or cuddles. And it was rather sweet if a tad exasperating for my DM.
Frankly a man who was dangerous for women in his right mind is utterly terrifying when diminished responsibility could remove any restraint he previously had.

Good luck Op. I hope you can find it in you to tell your husband the worst of it, because you shouldn’t be carrying any secrets and he should know what a monster he has been enabling and the full extent of what he (and I mean your husband) has subjected you to over the years. He needs to have all of it in his head so that when the truth hits him, he can live with the knowledge of what he has put you through. I liked a PP’s suggestion of putting each comment and incident on separate post it notes and setting them out one by one because that really is quite profound, demonstrating the number of individual incidents and their cumulative weight.

But ultimately you shouldn’t need to convince your husband of anything at this point. Even if he turns around and offers you his full support now, which I don’t think he will, are you honestly able to forgive him for what he has done to you for the last thirty years? I don’t honestly think I could get past that. There is no amount of grovelling, even if he did that, which can make up for knowingly throwing your wife to a sexually abusive predator for your whole married life and then telling her to put up and shut up when she finally asks clearly for your support