Is it ever right to hit a woman

[Meadow1203]

Just this really. My ex partner is adamant that if a woman hits or slaps a man then it is ok for him to retaliate. He is 6 4 and a very strong man, just a slap would be potentially dangerous. He said he has always advised his daughters never to hit a man as they should expect to be hit back. I am not condoning violence btw, just interested in views on this.

If you hit someone you should expect to be hit back

This is such simplistic nonsense.

Violence is never acceptable but what is crucial if there is violence is the power dynamic. So a 20 year old man hitting another 20 year old man and being hit back is a situation where the power they each hold is reasonably equal. If a woman the same age, build etc as me hits me then if I hit her back (i wouldn't) neither one of us holds significant power or control over the other. Now let's say a profoundly disabled woman the same age and build as me,yet way more vulnerable than me hits me,then I'd be incredibly unreasonable to retaliate. Just as if a tantrumming toddler slapped me, I wouldn't slap them back.

A man very close to me was abused by his 5ft 9stone girlfriend. He didn't once retaliate for fear of hurting her; he wouldn't even restrain her!

I wouldn't have blamed him if he had, he used to turn up at our house covered in marks, but I think he had the right attitude.

In a perfect world no one would hurt anyone. I hate it.

In general, no it's never right. It's not right for anyone to hit another person in retailiation. In self defence, possibly. A close friend of DP's is in a very abusive marriage. His wife has physically assaulted him numerous times over the years. He did once hit her with his elbow, after she started punching him in the head while he was driving. I'd say him being justified in doing that is a very, very rare exception though.

Sometimes I wonder if the opinion that men shouldn't automatically retaliate to a physical attack from a woman, is somehow conflated with the idea that it's acceptable for a woman to hit a man? That in some way, by saying 'don't hit her back' means 'she didn't do anything wrong' in some people's minds.

I categorically don't think this is how things are or should be. Women should not hit men. They are not entitled to hit men because they leave less bruises! It's just very important to understand that unless you're in danger, you shouldn't retaliate. Man or woman. I would hope that even OP's ex wouldn't be happy to hit his own mother if she slapped him. But that's often a sign of much deeper issues in itself.

How many people have seen this before?

This video went viral years ago. Obviously it's funny. But it's also very interesting! The man got completely piled on for hitting a woman back after she slapped him. He was so distressed that she should be allowed to hit him and yet he can't hit her back. I could understand his frustration, to be honest. But I can also understand the deeper implications of why you should never encourage men to hit women.

I've been teaching my son that boys and men mustn't hit girls and women as men are so much bigger, stronger and of more solid frame that they can do serious damage or even accidentally kill a woman. It shocks me that this now needs to be taught at home, as it's no longer the default in the community. This used to be basic knowledge and a basic expectation.

It's also pretty basic stuff that a grown 6'4 man should know, eh.

He said he has always advised his daughters never to hit a man as they should expect to be hit back.

My answer to the thread title 'is it ever right to hit ' is a simple no, regardless. It's a good thing to teach people.

That doesn't stop me agreeing with the advice that if you hit someone, you are opening yourself to a counter attack.

I don't really see how you get from 'don't hit people, they might hit you back' to 'it is OK to hit back if you have been hit'.

It isn't right and it doesn't follow.

Thank goodness he's your ex.

If I hit a man (I am a woman) I would fully expect to be hit back. Just because I am female doesn't mean I should get away with being physically violent

It’s ok to defend yourself if you feel at risk. If a woman leaps on a man and is beating him then obviously he should defend himself even if that risks hurting the woman. However if a woman strikes a man once (which is WRONG) then he should not hit her back. That is retaliation not self defence.

Violence should not be an answer.

It's never alright for anyone to hit anyone else, regardless of the sex's involved.

If someone is been hit, then they should use reasonable force to defend themselves, but only to stop the other person or to allow them to escape. The aim should not be to retaliate.

This is such simplistic nonsense.

I disagree. It should be that simple but, as has been clearly demonstrated by the current crisis, everyone thinks their reasoning is a special case.

Your example of a tantrum by a small child isn’t relevant because they’re only just beginning to learn about the world around them and you have to model the behaviour you expect alongside explanations.

Of course not. But given that a man has the potential to do more damage more easily, it's an extra no.

@baileys6904

If I hit a man (I am a woman) I would fully expect to be hit back. Just because I am female doesn't mean I should get away with being physically violent

I don't understand how being hit back is the only way you can 'not get away with it'. You can be shouted at, you can be walked away from, or even depending on the severity of your attack the police could be called. None of those things mean you're getting away with it. Do you really think it would be a good idea for a woman to hit her male partner in response to him hitting her? That doesn't happen often, because he would just hit her again, harder.

@Gatehouse77

This is such simplistic nonsense.

I disagree. It should be that simple but, as has been clearly demonstrated by the current crisis, everyone thinks their reasoning is a special case.

Your example of a tantrum by a small child isn’t relevant because they’re only just beginning to learn about the world around them and you have to model the behaviour you expect alongside explanations.

But based on what you're saying, hitting back is the behaviour you'd expect. What's the point of not hitting them back as a toddler if you believe they should be hit back by their partner as an adult?

Well, if you're being attacked by a woman who is larger or stronger than you then yes. But only so much strength as is needed to get the woman to stop. So, in most cases a man could stop her attack through restraining her or something less violent.

I don't think it's ever OK for anyone to hit another human, but self defence I would say is acceptable - I would not say hitting for revenge or just because she hit you is ok.

I've managed to never hit anyone so far

What's the point of not hitting them back as a toddler if you believe they should be hit back by their partner as an adult?

I don't believe they should be hit back by their partner as an adult hence why I said violence is never acceptable. I'm saying the power balance is crucial hence why a parent being hit by a child does not warrant retaliation. A 6'5" inch man being hit by a 5'1" 6 stone woman is not a situation where he is in genuine danger...he can remove himself or restrain her calmly without displaying any physical violence to her.

I don't think debating theoreticals helps when there can be so many variables involved, but yes if a woman is being continuously violent, then attempting to restrain or to push the woman back to escape or prevent worse injury is perfectly reasonable, whoever her victim is. No matter how 'no one should be violent' we could wish the world to be, in our imperfect world, it may be the best out of a lot of shite options.

One of my earliest memories is my mother slamming my father's head into a brick wall by a fireplace. He had to not only get her off of himself, but prevent her from getting the fireplace equipment to use as a weapon and from her getting my siblings involved. The end result as far as I can recall is he regained his footing, regrabbed her wrists as she was still holding onto his head and trying to rear back and slam his head into the wall again, and pushed her back out of the room and out of our sight. Maybe it wasn't the nonviolent option that would be preferred, but I can't really think of anything better he could have done during that altercation. If she was capable of being talked down then, it probably would have happened before she tried to crack his head like an egg.

There's a difference between pure retaliation and reasonable self defence. I think that's what would inform my opinion on this sort of situation.

"He was so distressed that she should be allowed to hit him and yet he can't hit her back. "

He's badly brought up then isn't he? His parents obviously didn't explain to him that adults don't hit children, men don't hit women and big children don't hit little children. Violence is wrong, but it's even worse when there's a big strength difference. He seemed to slap her harder as well so it wasn't even like for like.

This last point is why women are killed in domestic violence. Men who abuse their wives or partners are both excited by violence and enjoy being more powerful. If, as a woman, you hit an abusive man, expect a very severe escalation in the man. Their ego cannot take it. Hit and get away. The risk of death for a woman fighting or hitting a man is huge. A man can kill another man with one punch. A woman or a child far, far more easily.

Men who talk in these terms are to be avoided. At all.

But based on what you're saying, hitting back is the behaviour you'd expect. What's the point of not hitting them back as a toddler if you believe they should be hit back by their partner as an adult?

I don’t believe anyone should resort to violence against another person. But, if you choose that option (outside of self defence and children learning) then I don’t see any circumstance where you should ‘expect‘ not to get hit back.

Your ex is a prick. No, it's never okay for a man to hit a woman. The differences in strength are biological. If a man laid a finger on me, I would absolutely hit him back even though he would probably run to the police and play the victim in that situation.

@DeltaAlphaDelta

I work as a door supervisor and have been hit by both men and women. I will very rarely hit a man back, opting for restraint techniques wherever possible.

I would never hit a woman back, ever. Its horrible enough when I have to use restraint against a woman, but occasionally needs must. Hitting back, nope!

As a door supervisior, you shouldn't be hitting anyone, restrain yes, hit no.

Personally no one should hit anyone.

The answer is always a categorical no.

If the question was do men have a right to use a proportional degree of force to prevent themselves from being physically attacked by a woman, then of course the answer is yes, but that is never the question they ask.

When a man argues that he should be allowed to hit a woman back, the subtext is always, ‘if she hits me I have the right to lay her out.’