Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

Oh no OP, I feel for you. Are you still with your DP? Can you tell him you’re taking the DC’s away for a few days? This will give you some proper thinking and breathing space.
You need to get away from this man, he’s breaking your spirit and you deserve happiness.
Alternatively can you ex take the dc for a few days so you can talk to DP? Does he live on your house or you in his? Do you have control of your own finances? And are you on good terms with ex? Maybe he can be your rock again to help you through this? Does he know dp is cruel to you?

@Niceeyes
Hi
Thanks for your reply. I didn't live with him, he was never ready for that. We have split and there are no ties i just feel utterly lost.
I should feel better being away from this but instead I keep thinking about what we would be doing.
I feel so down like i can't get out of the horrible feeling:(.
I am feeling down over the split of my marriage, i know this was the right thing but I still feel bad.
Its like i would rather stay in the misery of the narcaisstic relationship as its easier than dealing with the change in routine. It's a horrible feeling.

Sorry I didn’t realise you’d left him.
This is positive that you’ve split from him.
You need to be kind to yourself. This man is a disgusting individual who never deserved you.
Get a friend to stay over if possible so you’re not lonely. Don’t drink and then text or call him, he’ll expect you to crawl back to him. Love bomb your kids, invest all your energy in having fun with them. Get out for a walk with them, go to the park with some badminton rackets, Not sure what age your dc are but le then stay up late with you for company, watching comedies. Book a manicure for yourself, just breathe and realise that you’re just at the bottom and everything from right now today is in your power to change and get better.
You are no doubt an amazing mum and you need to start loving yourself, lots of love and virtual hugs

Look at The Freedom Programme OP - best done in a group but you can do it online and some agencies are running it via Zoom.

This will really help you see that it wasn't your fault.

Look at The Freedom Programme OP - best done in a group but you can do it online and some agencies are running it via Zoom.

This will really help you see that it wasn't your fault.

@Niceeyes
Thanks. What a lovely message.
Sorry my original post was unclear, it has been such a complicated 4 years.
I have posted here a while back to get advice, didn't realise he was so bad until i realise all the things that have happened.
The kids are 8 and 9. Thank you so much for your advice. It really helps.
Its like i am not functioning at the moment.
Can't believe i am mourning the loss of something so awful x

@JulyBreeze
Thank you. I will have a look. I hate feeling like this , was so optimistic when I was planning to end things but when it happened it was just awful. X

Good @nursing2029. You don’t need him.
I’m sure you’ve cried bucket loads over him, this ends! School holidays are starting and no more homeschooling will take the pressure off you too.
I expect your ex has the dc’s some days too?
Use these days not for house admin but for you. Have a lie in, drink a few guilt free quiet coffees. And don’t be afraid to be alone, he did that to you, awful tactic.
Also, I’m divorced, left him 3 years ago, and I’ve been where you are. Met an idiot befure my current lovely partner who loves me for me, so the good ones are out there.
Sunday afternoon, get yourself a cup of tea and have a laugh with the kids, tell them silly things you did at their age (spice the story up :-))...just have a giggle

@Niceeyes
Thanks, that makes me feel better.
This guy came across as Mr wonderful.. it has been mental torture for years but always managed to turn it to me.
These sound like good plans to me.
Getting my hair and nails done on Wednesday
My ex is great with the kids, has them 3 days.
I need to overcome the anxiety over being by myself.
Thanks again xx

Really feel for you OP.

One of my closest friends believes this lady saved her life. She was uteerly bereft and suicidal at the end of her relationship. Today, a year later, she is happy and thriving.

The book is £5.22 on Kindle

www.youcanthrivebook.com/order

utterly not uteerly

@nursing2029 you’ll feel amazing after your pamper day! I used to hate being on my own too. Still have the odd day like that so it’s ok....sometimes sitting in the park being around strangers helps, people watching takes my loneliness away. No go grab those two gorgeous DC for a cuddle

I've been wondering how you were nursing2029. Have you managed to replace life with him with anything interesting and/or fun? Because it's a bit of a vacuum currently and there's too much time to think. Maybe before your course starts see if you can get in touch with friends and make arrangements?

Paul McKenna has a book and hypnosis for breakups - I used a smoking track of his and it was amazing. Maybe that could help?

You got away which was amazing and this will get better. But you might need to give it a nudge with some EMDR therapy or CBT or hypnosis.

@inmylifeIlovedthemall
Thanks. I will have a look at this.
So annoyed that I am sad over him. I will definitely have a look. X

@Niceeyes
I will give them a big cuddle.
I hope i can pick myself up and be the mum they deserve.
I need to learn to live again.
Thanks for the advice

@Vodkacranberryplease
Hi lovely to hear from you.
I have been better , after the initial adrenaline left me i hit rock bottom.
Then I feel worse because I can't figure out why I am sad, he was awful.
Just an overwhelming feeling of fear just now, fear of what i should do now.
All sounds silly when I say it out loud but i just can't shake it..
I will have a look at these things you have mention, was hoping a bath bomb was the answer. Seems to be a bit deeper ;) x

Can't believe i am mourning the loss of something so awful

I was the same, I was told it's called trauma bonding. You will get there. Take each minute as it comes, take all the support your loved ones offer you, take strength from each minute you are your own person, keep posting here. Even though it was a terrible time you need to grieve for it, it's natural. It won't last forever, you'll get there

@TimelyManor
Thanks. Its hard as freinds and loved ones knew how awful it was so they just presume I am happy to be away from him.
Posting here definitely help, glad I decided to do it today.
Its silly things, like remembering stuff we watvhed together or ate together. Never mind the fact he was just awful :(.
Thanks for the support xx

Yes, it's trauma bonding. Yes, it was awful but if it had been awful all the time, it wouldn't have happened - they create a cycle of crumbs of being nice to keep you around.

Things that can help:
Keep busy
Be kind to yourself - you're allowed to take time to get over it and it's OK to have ups and downs
Buy some books to read in an evening so you have something to hand when you feel lonely (similarly, nice bath stuff, face masks, etc - it's not my thing but I still liked having something to pass the time)
Remember it's not you that's the problem
Try to eat well and exercise and get enough sleep

@PositiveLife
Thanks for the advice.
I haven't been eating or sleep properly. I can't get my head around what it was he wanted from me. Or why he did this.
I am going to try and be more positive tomorrow.
Starting by having breakfast.
Its a horrible feeling, i was so optimistic when it was initially over.
Thanks for the advice. X

It’s ok to feel sad and anxious but also know that separating is the right thing to do. Life isn’t like a film where you spilt up with the bad guy and then wake up refreshed and are happy instantly and evermore. It’s much more complicated than that. But, it’s still good you’re split up. And also you’re probably mourning all the things you wanted the relationship to be, not just what it actually was.

@ThickFast
Thanks.
I just spent a spell off work with anxiety and depression and was trying to avoid that feeling.
The only thing I thought helped was staying with him but within a few weeks of us getting back together i felt worse than before.
Vicous cycle .
You are right, I mourn things that were really insignificant as he made my expectations of a relationship so low.
Thanks- I need to remember it is right that we have split up xx

Nursing sorry to hear this. I feel the same and although my ex was lovely we don't have a future and that's a hard pill to swallow. Like you I keep having reminders of what we did, ate, went etc and it's v rough. One day at a time hey x

I joined so I could respond to your post.

I have had a horrific 8 or 9 months trying to get free of a narcissistic ex. He absolutely hates that I have been the one trying to end the relationship. He contacts me every so often, it always starts politely and ends with us arguing and blocking each other. Every single time. Its the most pathetic, childish and pitiful relationship I have ever had. I think I wanted him to make me feel better somehow. To make the pain of the relationship and how it ended go away. But he's incapable of that. He just wants to hurt me. He really does know what to say to make me feel like nothing. I know this but keep talking to him so I am truly pathetic.

Altogether I would say we have known/ been together for about five years. We had a big break in the middle of that.

Last week I had enough,. I really had enough. He said something cruel in the goodbyes and I completely lost it. Complete and utter mental breakdown. I sent him about six or seven awful messages saying I basically despised him.

And now I hate myself.

I am that abusive, bullying person I think he is.

Don't let it get to that stage, i thought I hated myself before. This is much worse. Stay away from him and save yourself from going down that low. It's a bad place to be.

@HGKPG
Sorry to hear that you are going through this.
It must be difficult when your ex is a nice person.
I am struggling, everything hurts at the moment.
I think you are right though, one day at a time.
Take care and thanks xx