Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@Nursing2029

I've had a bit of a day watching and reading again.

I just watched another video by Richard Grannon and it made me think of you, he said some things that I think are relevant to you .

It's called "how do covert narcissists brainwash " something like that Its only like ten minutes , give it a try.

@NativeAustralian

So you lost it as well?

I completely lowered myself, I feel humiliated. I can't believe I did that. I've said things before don't get me wrong. He's a liar and a cheat etc. But last week I lost control of myself. That's never happening again. I take full responsibility, and I know that talking to him again will risk it happening again. No contact all the way. I still feel so bad about speaking to another person like that.

And he's blocked me as well so that's good.

He probably loved every minute of it, I have no doubt. It made him feel like the victim he is. It proved to himself that I am the problem. He can have that, he needs it more than me. I know I was pushed beyond normal limits and I will forgive myself.

When you're in hell.... Keep going.

Yes,lost it big time. Here I am ( was) with a good career, pillar of the community, advisory role in various capacities...and my alter ego sobbing on the floor, throwing my engagement ring at him,calling him every name ,literally feeling like jumping off a bridge after hours and hours of belligerent arguing ,haranging, telling me how damaged I am, how everyone hates me...and if they say nice things its " because they dont know me"...
And yes, hes the victim,who has done everything he can to " help" me but i'm too bitter and pig headed apparently to listen.
He lived with me rent free for 6 months, when I pointed that out,he told me it was only so I could abuse him and treat him like second class citizen!!! It's almost funny
( except it isn't).

I've just watched Richard Grannon's " 15 signs you are a people pleaser" thus very attractive to a narcissist...I have all 15!! I'd like to bet @Nursing2029 and @Lochie662 you tick lots of the boxes too....

@NativeAustralian

It's so fucked up how pathetic we end up... It's a result of being abused. I have no doubt.

I'm not proud of this but one of the things I said to him was that I considered him to be abusive. That I had been a victim of his emotional abuse for the entire relationship and if he ever contacted me again it would be as an abuser.

I was just at the bottom.

That's not the worst thing I said. I critisised the way he looked ( he has made comments to me about the way I looked, wanted me to lose weight which I have) , but the ONLY reason I said it to him was to make him hurt for just one minute. I intentionally tried to hurt him. And I am ashamed of myself for that. I have never, ever said or did anything to critisise the way a person looked. Never. I didn't know I was capable.

They've got the same handbook haven't they.... Mine said something very similar to yours... That people are only nice " because they don't know you",. Mine said " I used to think I got you, understood you. Now I realise I am very mistaken, I don't understand you at all. You have a way of thinking that is unusual, a set of rules you expect people to follow and you punish them when they don't. You change the rules constantly so no-one knows what to do, people like you till they see that, then they realise they would be better off without you"

The rule he was talking about was I asked him to not just cut me off, it triggers me. I have changed my mind now, I'm happier being cut off.

I watched the people pleaser video, I have most of them ...BUT to a lesser degree than I did when I was younger. I see progress in me watching that video. Thanks for that.

It's scary how alike these men are

And yet they think they're SO unique, SO special. They're all the bloody same. Inadequate little shits who can only survive by making other people feel bad.

Always had a headache or didn't feel.100 percent if it was a concert or film i liked

It was fine for us to have different interests when he was getting attention elsewhere didn't want to know about my hobbies but I never supported him AT ALL in his fantasy chosen career.

Lockie about your physical injury and pain, I was in a similar situation and he would sit like a beached whale stuffing his face watching me struggling to do the most simple of tasks like he hated me. It wasn't until I broke down he said "You only have to ask if you want (!) help". He also used to bang into me in the hope of causing me more pain.

Unanswered calls and messages as he was busy

The day mine left he was in a terrible state and I was worried he'd crash the car. I phoned and messaged about a dozen times trying to find out if he was safe. I ended up messaging the OW and he immediately replied "Oh, my phone was switched off". Yeah right, I was exactly where you wanted me, you shit.

I really want to hold the prick to account for what he's done but he would be absolutely incredulous to think it was him I was talking about. Maybe he does know deep down, I never really knew him after all, did I.

Mine said " I used to think I got you, understood you. Now I realise I am very mistaken, I don't understand you at all. You have a way of thinking that is unusual, a set of rules you expect people to follow and you punish them when they don't. You change the rules constantly so no-one knows what to do, people like you till they see that, then they realise they would be better off without you"

I wonder if someone said that to him. It's certainly projection because that's exactly what they do.

Please don't be hard on yourselves Nursing and Lochie. These manipulative, controlling, cunning b**tards go through life taking from those who fall for them. They charm and show their gracious side and then after a while, it slips, only to show the darkness of their characters. You, on the other hand, are oblivious to it, but instinctively you have known and know that they are bad news! They have taken your beautiful, trusting, loving energy and abused you!
To walk away is a sign of great strength. You are remembering only the tiny good bits of being in a relationship and missing these points, not the man himself!
It's not for everyone, but some kind of healing like Reiki, will really help. Or counselling?

Remember, stand your ground, you are worthy of so much more. True love and respect. Do not lower your standards. You are brave and beautiful.
Wishing you both a wonderful new life!

@TimelyManor
Thanks for your comments, this all helps so much.
I hope this is as low as I feel.
Finding those vidoes should have been the end of ital but i am still feeling lost and depressed and that is frustrating hell out of me.
I have never felt this low.
I am feeling guilty about my marriage splitting up, guilty over everything at the moment.
Surely the only way is up? X

@COPPER3
Thanks for the lovely comments.
I am sitting right now worrying myself over what he is doing and I don't know why.
Worrying myself over the fact he might end up with someone else.
I hope this passes soon. Thanks for the support x

Hi,
I've been reading this thread as have been in a similar situation myself, albeit years ago.

All these years later I am still haunted by the memories of everything I went through with narc/abuser.
I mostly just put it to the back of my mind but have been triggered recently due to bumping into him.

The fear has never left me.

I've found a helpful person to follow on YouTube called 'inner integration'.
Check her out.

I hope you start to heal soon

Same OP. Sat here with 101 things to do but no...thinking,ruminating,worrying,thoughts and more thoughts...why??? Feel like I'm going mad.
Yes that sounds familiar to the " help" thing mentioned earlier.
He'd complain I never asked for help,wouldn't let him in. But if I did,then it was wrong..I asked the wrong way! Or if I was upset he'd pick a row. I came home from work after a hellish day,could hardly speak..he went mad that he was being ignored,treat like sh!t,so then I had 2 problems to deal with. Or,hed give me his solution to something I was worried about,and if I didnt appear to follow if to the letter,he'd go wild if I mentioned it again and say " look,I've told you what to do ,so it's your fault".

Also, if I was ill, for example I had a horrific cold and went to bed but dragged myself out to pick up my children, he'd say I wasn't ill at all as I was " cherry picking" when to be ill. He even moved out as I wasn't paying him attention when I was in bed sick.

Empathy? I remember a neighbor having a real go at me, randomly over something trivial and I was in tears.He was in bed and didnt react at all, just said " well I wasn't there so dont know the story". No hugs,nothing.When I asked him another time about it,he admitted that if someone is upset for a reason he cant fathom,he wouldn't comfort them as he wouldn't see that they needed it,wouldn't see the point.
But....he could turn on the tears big time,and I was acallous,heartless,cold bitch if I didnt give him ( in his words) a heartfelt apology for whatever he'd decided I'd done.

Sorry that was long....

@TimelyManor

Your ex sounds so similar to mine, I used to get really ... Unsettled, tense and worried all the time. He controlled when we spoke, how we spoke. He made it so I was happy with crumbs of time and affection ....

Sometimes he wanted to talk more than I did, particularly during the love bombing phase but mostly.... It felt like something to hurt me with. I got very needy with him. I have never been needy with anyone else. I still don't understand why. I wish I did. He would go in a mood if I contacted him too much. He would go in a mood if I didn't contact him enough. My whole life was on a tightrope of trying to do the right thing.

The projection is a massive thing. He used to accuse me of getting back with my ex when he was cheating, accuse me of lying when he was. It got I started working out what HE was doing by whatever he accused me of, so it got quite useful. If he told me I was cruel, I knew he was planning on being cruel to me.... If he told me I was lazy, I knew he hadn't done anything that day.

He was big on little punishments as well.... If I was busy and didn't reply to a text for 90 minutes, he wouldn't reply for 91 minutes.... I got I could rely on that like clockwork. All these little things make you feel like you're going crazy.

I feel a little bit better today.

I'm sorry your ex was so awful. I can't believe how similar he sounds to me.

@COPPER3

Thank you so much for your lovely post, it really does help to hear such positive words.

I am definitely returning to counselling. Unfortunately my last counsellor is retired but I have started researching and looking for a new one. I think counselling will be the final push I need to put this whole thing to rest , even though I can't much afford it, I can't not afford it either

Now reiki is an interesting idea I haven't thought about before, I have heard good things about it so I will look into that. Thank you

It really did lift my spirits.

@Nursing2029

I've been thinking about your posts, you said that this man started paying you attention at the end of your marriage. You were vulnerable and feeling low at the time and (as we know) it is intoxicating to be love bombed and idealised. You feel like the most important person in the world. You feel like you uncovered a love that is rare and pure and true.

But it probably meant that you didn't properly grieve your marriage? The end of that relationship.... And maybe now you regret that in some way? That you didn't feel as bad as you could have.

You shouldn't feel guilty, we are all just trying to do the best we can with the information that we have at the time. That's what you did during your marriage, that's what you did at the end of your marriage.

I'm really sorry you're struggling today.

@Lochie662
I think you have hit the nail on the head.
I didn't care how he felt at the time, i had wanted to leave for a while but he was a really nice guy and amazing dad.
I moved on quickly and avoided any feelings and i feel a bit like it is all hitting home now.
With a narcasstic relationship to follow. Feel a bit like i am drowning, only way I can describe it.
X

@Nursing2029

I've been thinking about my marriage, that ending didn't hurt as much as this.. even though we were together for much longer and had a child.

And the really sad thing I've realised is that real love, real care, real affection doesn't make you addicted, it doesn't create trauma bonds, it doesn't destroy you.

It's easier to lose the real love my husband gave me because I believed in it, I trusted it. I never second guessed it. I didn't have to.

Such a desperately sad fact of life.

That abusive relationships leave a much bigger mark than loving ones.

Wow reading these comments... just amazing aren't they?
Projection? Bingo
Everyone hates you? Bingo
Not caring one bit when you break down? Bingo (I'll never forget the shark eyes. Black bottomless pits of nothing)

And I can categorically tell you all that even though you feel like you handled this badly - you didn't. Nothing you can do or say makes a difference, I can promise. I did it all and am not above having a go back. But it made no difference. Zero.

Also @Lochie662 I'm not sure why you feel bad about telling him he's abusive? He is!

@Lochie662
I just got goosebumps, exactly the same.
Never had to question anything or worry or wonder.
Then 4 years if utter hell.
When did you and your husband split up? X

Probably about the same time as yours , around October 2016 ....

@Lochie662 If you are interested in suggestions - I did yin yoga when I was really suffering. It's very soothing and mostly just done while sitting/lying down. It gave me a moment to breathe/relax which I really needed as I was struggling to sleep at the time and felt like I was
constantly tight-chested with anxiety.

I did also do therapy too, but for some reason I found it really hard to verbalise my exact experience. Nothing seemed to quite describe the level of anxiety and fear I was carrying around. I was almost agoraphobic at one point. On edge constantly. It was like the shock was stuck inside me.

@Lochie662
September that year.
Its rough following it with the relationship I just had.
Are you okay over that separation?

I had loads of therapy, they didn't understand and it didn't help.

Yoga on the other hand was really settling.

@Vodkacranberryplease
I am going to give the yoga a try.
I find talking on here really helpful, this guy made me think i was totally mad.

@Vodkacranberryplease

I was shaking when I sent that message about him being abusive... I thought it was the most awful thing I could say.

Although I also said he was disappointing, I despised him, oh I just remember a message on how "he punishes people". Oh God. I am a terrible person. I squinted my eyes when deleting them all so I wouldn't see anything awful that I'd forgotten about. Yes, I'm that pathetic.

@BuffaloMozzerella

I'm my own personal project for the forseeable future , so I will take all suggestions on board. Oh I'm so going to try that out, yin yoga? I will look into when that starts, or can you do it at home?

I am currently desperate , absolutely desperate for the gyms to open. Walking , running and cycling is getting old. I want my classes back. Exercise saved me before lockdown. I'm so going to try that.

Do you feel better now? Has the anxiety lessoned? Oh I feel for you.

@Nursing2029

I'm still friends with my ex, I don't have family that I see, so I still consider him my family... He's a lovely person actually. I'm so glad I had my child with him and not the other one.

How are you and your ex?