Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

Vent away. It's good that you see it's all his way and that he's vile. Just a shame you still feel drawn to him. I wish I had the answer.

@TimelyManor
I think its fear of being on my own and seriously low self asteem.
He just drags me down x

@TimelyManor
I meant esteem.

@Nursing2029 i find sharing here helps a lot too. Thanks for starting this thread. I understand the slip back into bad old habits, dont beat yourself up - build yourself up. He is only one part of your life, and you know you want to move past it. Little by little day by day keep saying kind things to yourself, we all make mistakes, we learn and grow. You will get strong enough if you keep telling yourself, as often as you can, all the good things you love about yourself and your life. These things you love that are all yours and nothing to do with him, they will be there before and after him. Xx take care of yourself🤗

@Lochie662
"next man you will be with will also be funny and clever but without the side dish of a personality disorder that will destroy you. It's so hard, but it gets easier. I promise it does." Thanks so much for this 🤗
Hope alls well with you X

@heartlikepaper
Thanks so much.
I am so glad I started this thread, it has really helped. I hope you are well xx

How are you today, Nursing, did you get much sleep? And everyone else, how's it going?

@TimelyManor
Morning
How are you?
I did but I have woke up with anxiety in the pit of my stomach. This is going to be like breaking up all over again. It feels all very final.

I'm fine, thank you, Nursing.

I think that's good that it feels final. Although you're going through an awful time just now hopefully it'll be the last time and you'll just keep going forwards now. It's hard, it's horrible, but keep taking one minute at a time and you'll get there. If you feel the need to contact him, wait for half an hour. Try and do something else in the meantime. If you still feel the same after half an hour, wait another half hour. What do you need to do today? Have you got chores to be getting on with?

@TimelyManor
Yeah I have housework and things to do. Picking the kids up later too.
Thanks for the advice.
I feel really angry with him just now which is good., he has no remorse.
I forgot what I was dealing with. He always manages to make it feel good for a few days. Then i feel like i am getting the life sucked out of me.

Keep that anger going, use it to polish stuff and sweep him right out of your life! The house will be nice and clean for you and your children, enjoy the serenity

Hi, hows everyone? Anyone feeling any stronger and saner!?🤞🤞
I just had a dreadful possibility occur to me and need a bit of insight. Me & the ex had a monogamous relationship - OR SO I ASSUMED. I havent heard that he was with anyone else and we always used condoms but not for oral. Now, in light of the fact that he was obviously hiding so much and didnt care about me at all im wondering should I get STI tests??
Is it possible for a narc to be monogamous???

@heartlikepaper
Hi
How are you?
If it makes you feel better you maybe should. I am pretty confident mine was only sexting, but who knows.
I am not feeling saner yet lol x

Well it definitely takes a long time to clear the cognitive dissonance, and the hurt. Thats pain like I never felt before. Be patient and kind to yourself. But as @Lochie662 said, the air is fresher on the other side.👍. im feeling a bit more energetic and able for life now, a weekend away camping and off social media helped a lot. Looking at it all a bit more objectively now, hence the practical questions😬

Yes, Heart, I'd definitely recommended getting tested. The clinic will talk you through everything and decide which tests you'll need. They were lovely with me and I could do the swab thing myself so didn't have the added indignity of having to bare all.

I had to drive past his workplace the other day, after a difficult meeting. The sort of meeting I'd have talked over with him. The area brought back memories and made me feel a bit sad. Sad for it all being a sham. Sad that I still for a split second miss who I thought he was. I have to keep him as a monster in my head or it might all come tumbling down.

@TimelyManor
I completely understand that. "Sad for it all being a sham. Sad that I still for a split second miss who I thought he was." Grieving the sham, Ive found myself doing that too. And yeah, having to believe he's an evil dangerous monster, it goes against my nature but it is for self-preservation - preservation of dignity and sanity 💪 We are strong, kind, loving women and deserve to be valued as such❤

Indeed

You can order free STD tests online, no need for clinic humiliation now!

@FairiesWillFly

You can order free STD tests online, no need for clinic humiliation now!

Thanks for that. free is excellent news👍😂, as is discretion!!

Do you think it's something specific to narcissism that makes us want to learn about it? I'm quite happy now, would never want him back, it's been a while so why am I still keen to learn about narcissism, still interested in it? Is it like this if people split up due to alcoholism or money, for example?

@TimelyManor
Definitely. I just want to know why..i was googling stuff today.
They are certainly complex x

I wonder that too @TimelyManor. I think its because I assumed I was loving and communicating with the person I met, but then when I got the 180 switch and the mental meltdowns it was so confusing. And then with being discarded so coldly I could only get answers by research. It helps me understand wtf just happened, like piecing a jigsaw together. Also im hoping now I will be informed enough to spot these vampires a mile away next time. Really hurting today from it. I dont think there would be such confusion and fear from many other break-ups

Yes, I think that's it, trying to make sense of the confusion. Trying to understand why they try to break us. Bastards.

Sorry you're hurting, Heart