Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

I've got to go to work now, just a quick post, this is definitely an abusive relationship you have been in. Narcissistic relationships are abusive by nature. Once I realised that I got angry, its the reason I won't go back. I still have confused feelings about him, I am still getting over it. But you absolutely have to realise he has been abusing you in this relationship. It's important.

You say he's got physical twice? Mine never got physical but I still know he was abusing me . Emotional abuse is destructive and difficult to get over.

Some things I've read up on....

Gaslighting
Intermittent reinforcement ( connected to trauma bonds).

Blame shifting
Cognitive dissonance ( when he cheats)
Object constancy ( he sees you as all good or all bad)

There's more but I can't think just now. There's a lot.

I'll check in later. Be kind to yourself today, do stuff for yourself xxx

I mean he lacks object constancy ...

@Lochie662
Thanks for your support.
I will have look at these things you have mentioned.
I hope you are okay.
Xx

I thought that my ex was the one I needed to help me come to terms with everything..... I'll be honest, every time we've spoken since we have broken up I was hoping to see some understanding on my situation, some empathy. ( I know). At one point I told him I wouldn't get back with him no matter what.... He had just hurt me too many times. He went on to tell me, I think that day or the day after, that he was still seeing the woman he cheated on me with. That it was difficult not seeing her as much as he'd like. How it was good to have me as a friend to talk it over. I wasn't even surprised by this point and he certainly didn't have any problems talking about her. He got off on it. It was my punishment for not getting back with him.

I am right though, that's not normal is it? I am not expecting any sympathy, at all. I was crazy to still talk to him.

You won't get what you need from him. I promise. I tested it out.... I would say "I need to just know this or say this and then I can move on and remember the good times". He never, ever gave it to me. There were conversations where you would believe I was the one that had cheated and ended our relationship, not him. He kept saying, "what about the plans we made? I moved into this house with you in mind? How can I keep living here when everything reminds me of you?" ( I've never been in the house he lives in now and I know his new girlfriend or whatever she is has stayed there?)

It's just really a mind fuck. I'm glad it's in the past. I just need to get through this bit now.

Hi OP. It's all depressingly familiar. The guilt, the fact that you dont really even like them but feel you will die without them..its a complete head f#ck as PP said. I'm going through it.
Can I suggest looking up Richard Grannon on YouTube. He has so many videos on narcissistic people,their patterns,targets and reasoning behind what they do. He has amazing insight, I just watch them and it's like hes described my ex 100%.

@Lochie662
That is exactly what I am doing. Trying to end on a good note and to understand but it is impossible.
How are tou feeling now?.
You sound strong, my anxiety is overwhelming and I hate it. Never felt this low before
He sounds like a total mind fuck. I hope you are ok xx

@NativeAustralian
Hi
I hope you are okay.
It is just awful, I know this guy is awful, i know he is no good but i panic when it is over.
On top of the narcasstic behaviour, he obviously has some weird serial habits going on. I seem to have developed the ability to ignore all this and keep torturing myself.
When did you and your ex split?
Thanks, i will watch those videos xx

@NativeAustralian
Weird sexual not serial

We split a few weeks ago,and I still dont know what half the rows were about. He called me every name ,accused me of anything and everything,if I could prove he was wrong,then he'd just say " yes but you intended to do xyz" so I couldn't win. He reduced me to a hysterical wreck one day, then called me a psycho and that I was disgusting because the children were upstairs. I feel totally traumatised as though I'll never recover. And yet....my phone is silent and I miss him. Narcissistic, co dependency and trauma bonding....its all there. I'm sorry we're going through this x

@NativeAustralian
Are the kids his?
Do you want to go back?
I used to find that the arguments were over nothing too, bit they were explosive and always aimed at me.
I feel like i won't recover too and miss him.
I have been back 3 times and each time he has got worse.
He turns on the charm then within a week I am ay square one.
Perhaps we could support eachother through this ? X

@Nursing2029

Youve did the right thing breaking up with him. I will be honest he sounds utterly deplorable. Turn it around and tell me what was good about him.

I bet everything will come with a but...

Like the one good thing about my ex. The only thing I truly loved about him was that he liked to converse about things that I was interested in.... But by the end it was all just arguments, he would take opportunities to make sure he thought I was stupid. AND at the same time be stealing my points I had made, my knowledge about stuff and use this in conversations with other people (and probably other women)..

The reality is that the ideas and stories he told me during the love bombing phase were probably never his in the first place, they probably came from one of his exes. I probably fell in love with them . Lol.

He was empty. It's difficult to see it but he was.

He was so pompus and annoying. Whenever I had an idea about anything that he disagreed with , he'd ask me to argue and explain my side as if I was on the debate team and he was my boss and made decisions for me. I am a grown woman with a son ( not his thank god) and he would treat me like a child. I hated that.

Sometimes what really annoys me is that I don't even like him that much. I mean , he's not honest, he's not kind. He literally wouldn't get a real feeling if I hammered it into his body. His ideas come from others, he doesn't stay true to himself. He changes with the company he keeps. He's not solid or real.

You absolutely will recover if you don't go back.

It's going back that will poison you. You can call it all the fancy names in the world. You can analyse it to death. You can feel sorry for him and learn all about NPD but at the end of day you HAVE to come to the understanding that this is a toxic relationship and you have been the victim of narcissistic abuse ( and more by the sounds of it)

Tell yourself that constantly until you know it's true.

"I have left a toxic relationship where I experienced narcissistic abuse from a man who can never love me."

Over and over and over again until you believe it.

@Lochie662
Thanks so much for your support.

I think that is the problem, it is like i don't believe it is true.
And i feel like i keep trying to prove otherwise.
This all sounds so familiar, no matter what my opinion was on something it was wrong, I had to justify it. I apparently attracted drivers with road rage if anything happened to me.
I have a problem with authority.
He has an air or self importance about him and loves any form of attention. Except mine.
I dont like him either, reading about the trauma kind makes sense.
I never realised that this would be so tough. I hate feeling so lonely.
I really appreciate your support x

@Lochie662 trauma bond not kind. Predictive text

Did you ever feel lonely when you were with him?

I did. All the time at the end.

@Lochie662
Yes. Very. He used to nap in the after sometines and i would sit in tears. At the emptyness of the whole situation.

On the odd occasion we would have a good night he would always ruin it.
Its been a horrible experience xx

Well , then you felt lonely and there was no hope of things getting better. Only the futile wish that he would change.

Now you don't know what the future holds. You could meet a kind man who adores you, or you can be single and independent and do amazing things with your children.

You are too good to ever think about going back. One day at a time. You just need to get to tonight and not go back to him.... Tomorrow the same.... The next day the same. Every day ALL you have to do is get through that day and not get back with him.

Don't think about forever, that's for later , when you're healed. And it's exciting. Just now is about today.

@Lochie662
Thanks, that is such a good way to look at it.
I feel so guilty just now, failed marriage. 4 years wasted on an awful relationship when the red flags were there at the start.
He will never change, its nice and fresh for afew days then he comes back even worse .
Thanks so much for the advice. I can't think logically just now , this really helps xx

Hi OP. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there and it's soul destroying.

This is my advice

• Expect recovery to take much longer than you feel it should or want it to. This will feel totally unjust and awful and may make you feel fearful and anxious. Unfortunately these type of relationships do take longer to get over as there have been so many deceptions and twists of the truth it can take a while to straighten out.
• Don't fight the pain. Let as much as you can in and cry, scream, whatever you need to do. You will know when you're fighting it as it will instead manifest as thoughts whirling around your head with no end and will be very draining. It might be hard to step away from the thoughts at first but that will change with time. Even just letting it in for a few moments each day will help a change. You could also journal if you like.
• Forgive yourself of the mistakes you feel you made. You didn't know. You wanted to believe him. You wanted to believe it would be okay.
• Set yourself the most simple of daily routines and include something you like doing. I used to like going to lunch by myself. Being outside around other people helped. Don't put yourself under too much pressure if you feel fragile. Keep it simple.
• Try to avoid too much psychoanalysis of him, you and the relationship. I did this and looking back it kept my feelings going for much longer because I was constantly reading about it.

There is light at the end of the tunnel even if it feels pretty awful now.

I'm kind of different to you..... I KNOW I won't get back to him, too much happened, he really was very cruel to me and there were too many times I wasn't even considered.

I hate when people say stuff like this, I really do .
He dragged me through a lot and made me feel lucky to have him at times, really affected my confidence in some ways. But I am attractive especially since I've lost weight, I'm good company, I have a good energy. I have had offers since I'm single. My (other) ex wants to get back with me.... I have options.

But part of me wishes I could have just got back with him and be done with it. I know it's the trauma bond talking, and I think that takes a fair bit of work.

I will never get back with him because I know that I can never be with someone who treated me so badly BUT sometimes I wish I could have ....lol

Bloody counselling, giving me more self esteem than I wanted.

I'm telling you though, we can't go back either of us. We will never be happy if we do. This post is just an example of how twisted up we get.

@BuffaloMozzerella
Thanks, this is so helpful.
The pain is horrible and something I haven't experienced before.
It takes over.
I have been looking for a quick fix and feel frustrated when it's still there.
I really appreciate this, its so hard to explain how it feels to people who haven't experienced it.
And worse than a normal break up, he has made me feel like i need him.
I hope you are okay now ? X

@Lochie662
You sound like you are in a good place. I feel so unworthy just now and i know that makes me sound pathetic.
Its just been so much to handle.
At the point I was ready to leave i found the videos and it was horrible and knocked me for six.
Sounds silly but sometimes I think the misery with him is at least familiar and this just feels like i am on my own.
Also sounds silly that I worry he is still sending these videos.
So many things I will never get the answer to. :(.
Thanks for listening , its so much easier talking to someone who understands x

I am in a good place... And I'm not.

When I say I know I won't go back to him, it sounds all positive and upbeat, and it's true. But it's like a person who is trying to stop smoking saying "I know I will start again".. it's sad to me, I still feel bonded . Wishing it weren't so doesn't actually make it so.

I'm hoping it's a stage, like acceptance maybe?

I don't want to feel like this forever.

You feel unworthy because HE made you feel that way. No other reason. He caused it and so he can't heal it. He's awful doing that to you, sending those videos. It actually sounds like you have trauma from that. I think you need to work on getting that out somehow.....

And as for him being familiar.... Is he really? The videos shocked the life out of you. Do you know him like you thought you did?

You can't go back to him. You won't ever feel safe with him. He won't take care of you.
.

Thanks OP.

Yes I can say I'm over it now. I do still think back on it occasionally but I don't have the same feelings/responses anymore. The things I found hardest was yearning for someone who logically I knew was toxic and treated me badly, and the terrible feelings of being worthless and not even being able to look after and protect myself. I viewed myself with contempt and it took me a while to shift out of that place.

It will change you though, if you let it. You will never be attracted to this type of relationship again. Your entire nervous system will set off like the clappers when you meet another man like this (or woman, I found it changed my friendships too) and you just won't be able to go there. It won't be worth the highs anymore.

So that's one good thing.

I do remember what it's like to feel in the depths of despair though. That's when it's so important to have a simple nice routine, because one day you'll realise you are no longer just plodding along doing it for the sake of it, but you are actually enjoying it and the PEACE.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?