Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@Lochie662
Wow thank you for joining so you could respond.
That is how I feel , I feel like if I am in contact its taking away the pain that I feel but the contact ends up hurting more.
Please don't hate yourself from what i have learned they like pushing us to that point so they are then the victim.
This relationship has been horrendous the last few years, he even turned intimacy into a horrible place.
I hate that I miss him and have feelings , I am hoping it is because I am so low at the moment.
I hope you are okay?
Xx

I've read do much about narcissism I think I could write about it. He actually told me he doesn't feel empathy, but asked me questions so he could intellectualise it! That's the word he used. Intellectualise.... If he could understand it , he could mimic it. I never helped him with that btw. I'm not helping him completely fuck over the next poor woman who buys his puppy dog eyes and poor me attitude.

Why do we love them?

I'll never understand it.

I feel like I've been put through the wringer. I'm exhausted.

I'm sorry you're struggling I really am... I feel like I have rage one minute and just crying the next . And I'm a long way out of this relationship!!!! I am pathetic. I'm sorry.

@Lochie662
You are not pathetic at all.
Are you still together?
If you are like me you are emotionally and physically drained. Only someone who has been through this can understand how tyring and draining it is.
I am the same, angry and sad.
The minute I speak to him I immediately forget what he is actually like and I see the guy I fell in love with.
Does your partner enjoy time on his own a lot?
Just curious as mine did, almost like he enjoyed being miserable.
Its really tough. Xx

@Lochie662
I meant tiring.

No, we aren't together any more. He moved down south as well so I technically have no reason to talk to him. I've read about trauma bonds and the addictive nature of narcisism. It doesn't seem to help. I thought if I understood it would be easier but it doesn't seem to work that way.

My ex was very vulnerable I suppose you could say. He had to be protected from life but at the same time was very cruel to me. He blamed me for absolutely everything. At the beginning of the relationship every moment was spent with me, doing stuff for me but he spent less and less time with me, although he always kind of made it my fault. Every time I had somewhere to go or something to do he would say he wanted to spend time with me. But the times I was available he ignored me. That's not the worst if it though.

I feel bad about last week, losing my temper. He had said a few things.... One of them was that I always shouted at him when he was busy and couldn't talk to me ( happened once in our relationship in pretty stressful circumstances), and then he said he wished he could go back to the beginning of our relationship and purge himself of me. I went nuts. It's the first time I've been like that but now I realise I over reacted . Massively.

So I need to forgive myself. He's blocked me ( lol) , so I can't apologise.

@Lochie662
I think if that is the only time in the relationship that you overreacted then you should not be apologising.
It is a seriously addictive relationship.
My ex made me feel amazing then slowly stopped doing things. Made a point of telling me he was speaking to other women, made me out to be jealous.
Loads and loads of small things. He turned really nasty recently.
To top it off I found out he was sexting videos for a 2 year period while I thought we were happy.
I received a lot of advice on here and that way to understand it is not your fault and to stop trying to figure out why.
Easier said than done though.
I feel like i have lost the ability to be me and how to function.
I feel like i have lost any sense of normal..almost like I have been brainwashed.
We are worth much more than this xx

It's a long journey, recovering from an abusive relationship. You need a lot of strength and determination. Six Pillars of Self Esteem is a good book that can help.

I can't believe he was sexting videos for two years!
What a creep. and when you thought you were happy, you can't know what to believe now.

I'm so sorry, it does get better. I am better than I was. Just last week, I didn't realise I still cared that much to react like that.... I told him awful things, things I would never say... That he was abusive and he had emotionally abused me our entire relationship, that he was evil, that I hated him, despised him. He was a disappointment (I made a comment about how I didn't like how he looked, I hate myself for that) ..... I was out of order. I was desperate for him to go and never come back.

He cheated on me.... Well the first half of our relationship we were together about 18 months when he met another woman... Eventually he told me about her, I was heartbroken and then he asked if we could be friends. I got to spend about 18 months of our "friendship" listening all about his new fiance who he ultimately married. I thought he was being honest and I was doing the right thing being friends with him. I went NC just before their wedding day because it was the right thing to do. It broke my heart because I adored him. I was pathetic.

Years later we reconnected ( after he divorced) and get back together, a couple of years down the line he's cheating on me. To add insult to injury he says it's my fault that he had to cheat, meanwhile he's gaslighting, stonewalling and manipulating the hell out of me. I don't even know what way is up.

I wish I'd never met him. They are sick.

@Lochie662
Hi
This sounds like an awful experience. Did you get any help afterwards?
I don't know what way is up, its just been a constant pile of lies.

I struggle more in the morning, i wake up and look for him, like i have forgotten everything is done and its like the pain comes back.
Please don't feel pathetic, the one thing that everyone said to me on here is that it wasn't my fault.
The one thing I am really struggling with is the fact that I miss him, i really really shouldn't. Xx

@Lochie662
What i should have added is that it isn't your fault either.

The lies are the absolute worst. I don't function in lies. Part of the reason I kept talking to my ex is to try and get some order and meaning to everything,

I know now that I'm not going to get it. Narcissists don't give closure, they don't want you to move on. They want you to sit and think about them forever.

You won't get answers from him, just from reading and understanding and then forcing yourself to accept. I'm trying to force myself just now.

I ended the relationship, I know he is dangerous to me. He has done and said many awful things to me over our relationship. As I have now done to him. I have to draw a line under it somehow, forgive myself and move on.

I had counselling in the gap in the middle. The first time we were in a relationship the time between meeting and him getting married was just over 3 years. That whole time I didn't suspect anything was wrong, I didn't suspect he was narcissistic (I was young...22 when we met). I took everything he said and did and I was always kind to him. There was definite signs looking back but I was perfect for him, I had no boundaries and accepted everything. Even when he met someone else I blamed myself.

The second time we met I suspected there was something wrong withing weeks, but two and a half years went by until I ended it. I kept hoping I would be proved wrong I guess. He was the "love of my life", the "one that got away". I wasn't walking away from that easily. Now I know it's nothing, it isn't love. It was never love.

He has diminished me. Relationships aren't supposed to do that. Even taking into consideration the awful things I said to him, I'm not a bad person. I know I'm not. I wanted things to be good with him. I wanted love and safety and security with him.

I read about trauma bonds, have you read about them? I understand the theory but I don't know how to break it. I will though. I'm absolutely determined. I won't ever be the woman texting awful things in a haze of anger again.

@Lochie662
Hi
I think you should stop giving yourself a hard time over what you said to him, everyone says things when they are angry and you have every right to be angry.

Do you feel sorry for him?
Only asking because I feel sorry for mine and try and think he doesn't mean it etc but every chance he had with me within a week he was being awful to me.
So many mind games.
For me this was the relationship that no one else thought would work..i was warned that he wasn't for me but I knew better.
I was 35 when I met him and really should have known better.
I felt the same, I felt he was the love of my life and that we would get through everything and be a strong couple.
Unfortunately it just got worse and worse. Everytime i thought it couldn't get worse something else happened.
I feel broken by this.
He knew i was already weak - just divorced, i thought he wanted to look after me.
No i haven't looked at the trauma books, i will do .
I just want to feel better:( x

And I'm really sorry. I have taken over your thread with my feelings, I will stop doing that.

Lockdown hasn't been the easiest time with dealing with this sort of break.up. too much time to think.

You sound slightly traumatised to me. Take extra care with yourself, I started taking multivitamins and making sure I drank enough fluids. It did help. Also it does help to keep a routine. Your DC will help with that.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

@Lochie662
Please don't apologise. It has been good talking to you.

I need to get a routine in place. I am living on cereal bars and chocolate.
I hope you are okay, I struggle with the fact that there are people going around that treat other people like this.. its awful x

@Nursing2029

I don't know if I feel sorry for him..... He's told me things about his childhood that are distressing, he's struggled very much with his mental health, I know that he can't be anything other than what he is.... But I think the hurt of the stonewalling and silent treatments killed any empathy I have. I begged him for the truth of what was happening, he enjoyed not giving it to me.

He is very cruel, I would take an age describing how cruel he is.

I don't know if that makes me as bad as him. I have the capacity for empathy but I choose not to use it on him. That's something I learned in counselling, I was too empathetic a person before counselling, it taught me to control it better. It taught me that empathy is a skill and not everyone deserves use of it.

Try and use your empathy first on yourself .... he hurt you over and over and over. Try and visualise taking your empathy and giving it to you and your DC. He doesn't deserve it. He would only use it to hurt you somehow.

@Lochie662
Thanks. That is really helpful.

Same here it would take a long time describing everything he did, most of it was so subtle that he could turn it round to being me.
He got physical a couple of times too when i wouldn't rise to his arguments.
You aren't as bad as him, it is the right thing to do, to not give him any empathy. He doesn't deserve it.

He is a constant source of hurt, unfortunately the videos he sent to people are a lasting visual of what he was capable of..that was during a time when we were extremely happy. Well I thought we were.
Its not something I thought he was capable of :(.

One thing I do believe about people who are narcissistic. They target empathetic, caring people because they want to exploit that, and because they know they will be forgiven for poor behaviour. They see it as a weakness, when it's anything but.

At some level , at some point in his life he chose to be this way. Nothing you can do will make him happy. You need to take your energies and make you happy. Or at least restful, at peace somehow.

I have the capacity for empathy but I choose not to use it on him

Once I realised that what my ex was doing was abusive I put up shutters, stopped trying to help, care, stopped taking the blame! He used to say he looked like he didn't care because he felt empathy SO deeply he had to hide it. What a tit.

He's told me things about his childhood that are distressing

You'll know this already but don't trust anything they tell you. Occasionally there will be a nugget of truth in there but most of what they say is them trying to manipulate you.

Having said that, many narcissists have had bad childhoods but OTOH so have lots of other people who don't go on to abuse anyone.

@Lochie662
I never once received an apology for what he has done. Or the way he has behaved.
I suspect that he is possibly bisexual but for some reason is choosing to hide, things i have found and seen make me think that. Not sure if hiding this causes him frustration but again I am not sure why i am trying to figure that out.
I dont think he will ever be happy.

Remind yourself that it is completely normal to feel useless after you've spent time with a narcissist. I was just today remembering how my dad used to treat my mum. Wouldn't allow her to get a job, constantly told her she was incapable of holding one down (she eventually got one in her mid fifties and was great at it) Used to 'joke' that he liked his woman barefoot and chained to the kitchen sink (both of which she was most days!) He is a narcissist and she is still with him, still running around at his beck and call. She never left. If she had, she would now be a far more self-confident and capable person. But he eroded her self confidence.

@TimelyManor
I wish i could stop caring. I have a constant knot in the pit of my stomach over the loss of a relationship that was awful.. i can't make sense of that at all. :(.

I feel like everything he has ever said or done has been to manipulate me but he comes across as whiter than white and the perfect gentleman.

he comes across as whiter than white and the perfect gentleman

This is the thing I struggle with. He will have told people no ends of untruths about me and our relationship and he is very, very believable. I want to tell them the truth but it would probably look like sour grapes.

I don't think there is any sense to make of it Nursing, they mess with your head (and your heart) so much you are left floundering. I can't remember, have you had any counselling?

@TimelyManor
He is keeping me hanging on as a friend but I think it is only so I won't disclose anything about his videos.

I think some people will know what your ex is like and know that he is lying, i could see his friends and family start to tire of his comments about things. It is quite a mask that they wear.
I haven't had counselling. I think i have tried to brush over the seriousness of this relationship but it had affected me.

@BraverThanYouBel1eve
Thanks, i will have a look at this.
I think my problem is that I never wanted to believe it was abusive.

@monkeyonthetable
Thanks.
I am trying so hard to see that this is the right thing but for some reason I keep thinking he is the only one who can fix this.
I know i sound pathetic , this is just so horrible.