Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@Lochie662
We are okay, he didn't want it to end so he sytuggles sometimes and I probably didn't consider him as much as I should have when we ended.
I tend to ignore things and deal with them all at once.
He is a great dad and nice guy. X

Yes I'm sure you can do it at home. I would recommend picking someone with a lovely soothing voice (I had a french yoga instructor - lovely voice!) and then filling your home with the smell of essential oils while you do it. They can really help relax your body too.

I also went walking in the countryside.

The biggest things I did when I felt a lot better was to go on holidays alone. I know that's not really an option with Covid, but maybe for the future if you like the sound of it.

It's a few years ago now for me so yes I can say I'm okay now. I have since met a lovely man and we had a baby together just over a year ago.

I think it's an experience can really stay with you. I can still remember how hollowed out I felt. I felt like every time I tried to get up to start over I would fall flat on my face again with the overwhelming pain and emptiness. Everything was such an effort.

This may be different for others but most of the pain was how I felt about myself though. I was angry with myself for accepting such bad treatment. For being (as I saw it) too pathetic to walk away when I knew I should. For letting him see me hurt and vulnerable and knowing he didn't care one bit and even gloated over it. He wanted to use me and put me down and I let him. So I mostly blamed myself, and that was what took a long time to shift out of. The physical yearning lasted a little while but not as long as the anger towards myself.

@Nursing2029

I know you feel bad that you didn't consider him much at the end of the marriage, but that is you analysing things from your point of view. The truth is it doesn't actually make any difference to his hurt over the end of the marriage, you could have been singing songs and doing the can-can all day long but it wouldn't have affected him. He was in his own world of getting over you. He doesn't see or remember things like you do.

I think I can tell that you wouldn't be the type of person to rub your new found love in his face. I think you were probably very diplomatic to him.

I honestly think you need to forgive yourself for not considering his feelings. You did the honest thing by ending a relationship that wasn't working.

@BuffaloMozzerella

I got tingles at the thought of a French yoga teacher. Yep, that peaked my interest.

I've been thinking of doing the west highland way on my own. I have always fancied it. Maybe for next year. Also, there are some places I've always wanted to go and some of them would be great. I have a teenage son, but he's with his dad half the time. But we do a lot together.

Hollowed out is such a good description. I feel like it was the biggest con of all time and I fell for it. I felt like I would have done anything for him. I felt like I truly loved him, and it's such a twisted journey that you've no idea who you are anymore. It's so hard to explain to people who don't know.

What you say is so close to how I feel. I saw signs early on ( the second time we connected). I chose to ignore them. I remember the first time being shocked that his reaction to something was cruel, and just excusing him. I remember so many times of just praying it would be okay. He hated me so much by the end. He used to draw me in just so he could see my reaction when he hurt me. And I know this, I saw this , I understood that he was narcissistic and I still stayed for a while!

@Lochie662
Thanks for your reply.
It wasn't my finest moment and I suppose now I am dealing with the aftermath of the narcasstic relationship. That hollow feeling is how I feel.
Its horrible to hear that loads of us have experienced this but at the same time it's reassuring that people have moved on.
@BuffaloMozzerella
Congratulations on the baby, lovely news.
I feel a lot of pain and anger too and a lot of it is in relation to the fact I miss him and have put up with so much.
I am so annoyed with myself over that.

@Lochie662 *I was shaking when I sent that message about him being abusive... I thought it was the most awful thing I could say.

Although I also said he was disappointing, I despised him, oh I just remember a message on how "he punishes people". Oh God. I am a terrible person. I squinted my eyes when deleting them all so I wouldn't see anything awful that I'd forgotten about. Yes, I'm that pathetic.*

Bless you! Honestly, that's nothing compared to what I used to say to my ex business partner! Made no difference of course though I did feel better for it. You didn't stop to anything- you told him the truth. You stood up for yourself. Never regret that.

Now I must admit when I read the words French yoga instructor I thought... hm. So I have three words for you, ladies. Boys of Yoga

Google it and look on Facebook. You're welcome 😁

There is no point either in being mad with yourself or beating yourself up. The ONLY thing that matters is you don't get caught out again. The second you see the love bombing and hear about the crazy exes run. Like the wind. That's all you can do.

And otherwise enjoy yourself and have fun. They hate that so much. It's literally their worst fear.

A bit of inspiration for us all!

@Nursing2029 honestly, everything you are feeling is normal in the context of this man. He gave you mixed messages constantly so of course your feelings will be mixed up too.

I went back loads of times before I was able to make the break properly. I totally sacrificed all self respect and dignity along the way. It even got to the point where it became a bit of a joke between a friend and me (the only friend who 'got it'), which weirdly helped as it helped me move past the shame I felt.

You said in some of your earlier posts about learning to be on your own and living your life, and I think this is where the healing is. It's finding small ways to nourish yourself and to enjoy life. To be quietly content. To know that the highs are exhilarating but often also empty and come with crushing lows.

This isn't something you have to do in the future - you are already doing it. Every moment you do something small for yourself, even if you can't feel it now, is a tiny step. It's not a destination but a gradual change.

@Lochie662 I googled the West Highland Way. Wow. My sister has had relationship difficulties too and her place to go to is the Scottish Highlands. We are from the south so it's a big trip. She loves it (and she also goes alone 😉).

I watched some of Richard Grannon's YT videos last night. I feel quite enthused this morning! I can't find the same one I was watching but Sam Vaknin and Sara Davison were also on and were very good too. Would definitely recommend. Thank you for the suggestion

I understood that he was narcissistic and I still stayed for a while!

I worked out quite a while ago that mine was a narcissist and I was going through hell living with him but I could never have ended the relationship. I think because I knew that if it wasn't what he wanted at that minute he would have an answer to whatever I said and I'd end up feeling (even more) stupid and a lot worse than I did already. I used to fantasise about being on my own but I was so ground down I didn't have the confidence to end it.

It wasn't until we had split up someone recommended I contact Women's Aid. I didn't for a minute think I needed their help (although he had been physically abusive too) but it was the best thing I could have done. They were and are amazing. I would imagine that most of their users tell the same stories with different names for the characters.

@TimelyManor
I always had the feeling he would easily let me go but I still didn't want to walk away. It was a living hell.
I always fantasised about being on my own and now I am i hate it.
I am haunted by the videos he sent to other people , can't get my head round it at all x

@anthilda

Thanks for your post. I hope so. I hope you are okay too xx

@Nursing2029

You sound absolutely and utterly depressed. Which is fine.

However, in case it helps, I give you permission to not feel guilty today, you can go back to it tomorrow if you really, really want to. But today is about you.

I also challenge you to put on a song and dance. Despasito or Havana always does it for me.

Pretend you're 21 again for a few minutes.

I don't understand the video thing, Nursing, was it of the two of you?

@TimelyManor
Hi
Sorry, he was sexting people for years behind my back and I found them. Videos of himself.
Doing stuff, weird stuff. Wish I hadn't seen them, the narcissism was enough.

@Lochie662
I am a wee bit, which is annoying me :(.
Great advice, i am going to do this now:). X

@Nursing2029 I think there is a correlation between narcs and sex addiction. It's an easy high I suppose and can be constantly chased after.

I'm sorry you had to see such vile videos. That sounds really shocking. It's grim.

@BuffaloMozzerella
Its something I could have lived without..i laugh when I talk about it bit it was at a point when we were happy and it has been playing on my mind x

@TimelyManor

Your relationship sounds horrendous. Did you contact woman's aid? It's such a difficult thing to explain, why you stay in that relationship physically much longer than you should and why it takes you so much longer to recover.

I've found I've been kind of fixated on creating labels for everything.... That was stonewalling, that was gaslighting , that was coercive control.... That was him punishing me, projecting towards me. It's like I need validation that it was him and not me?

But the only validation I truly have is that I have never behaved like this with anyone else. No one else has made me feel like a crazy person. Richard Grannon did another video on toxic relationships and how you know it is... I'll look it up and give you the name of it.

I will look up the names you said as well... Sam vaknin and Sara Davison...

I've found a woman called Teal Swan on YT. She does a few videos I've watched, she makes me calm. She does one called, "why you can't leave the relationship", one on creating personal boundaries and one on manipulation and what it is. I highly recommend them

Richard Grannon, signs of an abusive relationship you shouldn't ignore. I only watched the first bit though . It a longer video.

@Nursing2029

Simple song, but it resonates with me, thought maybe you too.

@Lochie662
Love it.
Really like the Selena Gomez track x

@Lochie662 and @Nursing2029 We could all have been dating/ married to the same man. It's incredible how we tell the same story.
Richard Grannon really helped me,and Teal Swan which a PP mentioned is informative too.
I think expecting a quick recovery or a magic cure is out of the question here,I've resigned myself to it being a long process.

Have any of your DPs been diagnosed with any form of MH issue? Th reason I ask is because my ex did have a diagnosis, which he refuted and did not adhere to the care plan. It became so hard to figure what was him and what was him edging into illness. I found that narcissistic behaviour can be a symptom of quite a number of MH conditions, and I cant helpbut feel guilty that I couldn't persuade him to stick to a treatment plan ( although I know it's like addiction, it needs to come from the person).

Sorry this is a bit ramble,so many thoughts...

@NativeAustralian

My ex had a diagnosis of bipolar in his early twenties , which he then said went away by its own (i read about this and it seems this can happen).

@Lochie662 same!!! Bipolar but his certainly didnt go away...All comorbid personality types ..narcissistic, bipolar,BPD or cluster B I think they call them.
Makes it all the harder as then you go down the rabbit hole of " but they cant help it"

@NativeAustralian

I honestly don't think you should feel guilty that you couldn't get him to stick to a treatment plan. His mental health was ultimately his responsibility, all you can do is offer support, which you did.

Narcissism is confusing, it's described as a personality disorder but also at the same time the traits are controllable and the narcissist does have the ability to decide who and when to treat badly....I think I read that there are many professionals who believe it shouldn't be classified like that.

Also, I believe it is practically impossible to cure. If you choose to live with a person with NPD , you are choosing a life when you are going to be used and manipulated over and over in order to prop up the narcissist. The narcissist has extremely low self esteem, and has a deep rooted shame that means they can never experience true love or true happiness. But we can't fix them. And they are capable of destroying us.

It's all so very sad. There are no winners . But staying in a relationship with them, knowing what we know, would be an act of self sacrifice for no benefit to anyone.

It would be funny is two of us were talking about the same ex. The timelines could work I think.