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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

498 replies

Nursing2029 · 19/07/2020 15:57

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 20/07/2020 23:35

@Lochie662
I think the bond we feel towards them is horrible, the fact we both recognise it is good though.
I never knew about the trauma bond until I posted on here.
Like the other comments say there is light at the end of the tunnel, i am sure the feeling will pass.
I can't get the vidoes out of my head or the timing of them.
Its when I thought the relationship was good and he spent whole days off doing it and well they were weird to say the least.
The realisation that someone must have been sending him the same is really painful.
I don't think i do know him.
I hate that he comes across as mr wonderful and life and soul to everyone else. He has made me feel mad for years.

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 20/07/2020 23:42

@BuffaloMozzerella
The first paragraph explains exactly how I feel.
I despise myself for still wanting this man in mine and my kids life.
He is toxic and a cheat and i still feel pain because he isn't here with me.
I still worry about what he is doing. I have spent years wondering what he was up to, always suspected something. Just never as bad as what I discovered.
A simple routine sounds good, i want to lose weight and at the moment it's just another thing I feel like i am failing at.
I really appreciate this advice, talking on here makes such a difference. Friends and family just think i should be glad to be rid and don't understand the full extent of the damage done.
Yes I am meeting a friend tomorrow.
I hate the mornings , its like reliving it and i feel so low in the morning.

I am going to think of a simple routine :)

OP posts:
Lochie662 · 20/07/2020 23:45

I put three radios at different parts of the house and the first thing I do in the morning is turn one on. There's something about listening to the morning radio that makes me feel better. Radio, cup of tea, catch up.on the news, shower, and breakfast.

Nursing2029 · 20/07/2020 23:49

@Lochie662
I have bought myself an echo thing. Will set it up tomorrow.
Thanks, great idea. Thanks so much, feel better after being able to talk about this. X

OP posts:
Lochie662 · 20/07/2020 23:52

Get a good night's sleep xx

Nursing2029 · 20/07/2020 23:53

@Lochie662
Thanks. You too and thanks again x

OP posts:
NativeAustralian · 21/07/2020 07:57

OP and @Lochie662 you could be me...I'm not very far on this journey,but feel all the anguish and physical symptoms as if I've actually been bereaved ( and I have before so know what it feels like). Massive anxiety,cant breathe,no idea how to carry on.
I feel guilty and ashamed for "losing it" with him and what he reduced me to.
I have no family and have tried reaching out to friends, but they've their own lives and my texts can go unanswered for days. I think this is the hardest part,so much time and energy spent trying to sort the relationship out,then nothing. I'm so lonely,I used to love all the messages and calls from him.

Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 08:11

@NativeAustralian
I feel lonely too but I was lonely when I was with him too.
I don't think friends realise how bad this is, have you spoken to anyone?
I have found great comfort on here as I feel like people understand.
We split for the last time a few weeks back and the pain is unbearable.
Are you still living with him?
I am following advice today and following a small routine.
These guys do not deserve us.
I feel ashamed of what he has reduced me to , please don't feel guilty for loosing it with him.
I did a long time back but recently have just been so numb to it all.
Even his worst just left me numb.
I hope you are okay, I am here to talk x

OP posts:
NativeAustralian · 21/07/2020 08:12

And forgot to add..a resounding yes to supporting each other. Nobody else gets it. Being told to " forget" about him and dismiss years when you actually love(d) this person is awful. I've been told " oh I told you so" and that just makes me feel worse...like I'm an idiot loser who didnt listen to anyone. Unless they've been here,they dont get it.

Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 08:18

@NativeAustralian
I have found the you are better off without him and the it was going nowhere comments really hard.
I have invested so much time and energy into the relationship and like you the feelings are still there
We will get through this, i am trying to think this short term( hopefully) pain , is better than more years of misery.
This guy ruined everything birthdays, Christmas. He was just awful.

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 21/07/2020 09:24

Oh how awful this is for you all Flowers

I had a narcissist in my life but unlike you as he was a business partner I put up with him for a lot longer than I wanted to and detached in that time. It sounds like the long process was interrupted for you - you didn't get a chance to just despise them and wish them dead like I did.

Now you are stuck in the illogical and crippling loop that comes from doing the smart thing and getting out early. But you didn't really want to get out, they made you, so any contact from them trying to get you back is half hearted at best and you are still half in love with them.

Your brains are still trying to compute the switch from mr wonderful to the utter arseholes they showed you they really were.

These people have the ability to be nice in small doses. But they can't keep it up as it's too stressful and they start to feel resentful and contemptuous of you - the more shit you take the less they love you. That's why dumping sometimes gets them behaving better got a few days - suddenly they respect you!

The one book I see time on here again is the one by Lundy Bancroft why does he do that. There's other book recs on here plus the freedom programme. You just need to keep reading and learning till it sinks in. You won't believe anyone and until you really take it all in you won't be free.

We are all saying the same thing but until you see it a thousand different ways from a hundred different people you just won't get it.

Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 09:44

@Vodkacranberryplease
Hi
Thanks , totally makes sense.
Everytime we split he is lovely and nice, few days later he is horrible again.
I am struggling as I am constantly looking for the answers that I am never going to get.
Why he got involved with me?
Why he made out we had a future?
Why he is one of the biggest liars I have ever met and rhe biggest why I am left with is why he made those videos.
His general behaviour doesn't even bother me now as that switched to normal for me. Xx

OP posts:
BuffaloMozzerella · 21/07/2020 10:26

My view is these people's are incapable of real intimacy. They want it and desire it, but cannot cope with it. They need to be in control and will do any number of twists and turns to maintain that control.

As soon as someone starts getting close to them, their weird behaviours kick off. You may not discover what these behaviours are for a while, but they will secretly be doing something which in their fucked up mind gives them the control they need. Like saying they want a future in the relationship which causes you to draw closer, and then once they've got you there their behaviours are nothing like someone who wants a future. They sabotage it.

BUT they also can't bear to be in the wrong, so they do lots more twists to cover it up, like blaming you, hiding things, lies etc. They are like big kids who think phew I got away with that one. You are so amazed at their behaviours that you think by just discussing normally it will all be sorted, but that's the last thing they want even if they seem to pay it lip service.

It's all a big game of getting close and then running away for them. They are incapable of a real relationship but need it to survive.

At some point the you will realise that these men can only behave that way. It's not you, they will do it again and again with whoever comes their way. Because it's all they can do.

Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 10:40

@BuffaloMozzerella
That sound all very familiar.
I was at the end of my marriage and he started paying me attention. A lot of attention, saying he had never felt this way how he wanted to be part of mine and my kids lives.
He was in his 40's so I had no reason to doubt him.
Once we were in a relationship he would start to talk about attractive women at work for no reason just to tell me he had spoken to them. Always needed space on his own and not in a normal way, my gut told me something else was going on.
Every birthday and Christmas he was horrible to me.
Any time i tried to talk to him he would be so so angry and it always made me feel worse.
These are just snippets of his behaviour, he made me feel like everything was me being jealous or paranoid.
Nothing was his fault.

OP posts:
TimelyManor · 21/07/2020 11:21

You are narrating my life Nursing. My birthdays were a misery. One year I was opening my present from a friend and he broke down and cried because he had no presents from friends to open (my words, not his - he would never have admitted that!).

I think birthdays are a particular thing for them because it's your day, they can't cope with that. Even if you don't make a fuss and it's just another day to you, they really need that attention for themselves.

They are to be pitied really.

BuffaloMozzerella · 21/07/2020 11:36

@Nursing2029 I'm sorry you went through that.

I think they have a very idealistic view of relationships which are based on adoration and just cannot cope with anything other than that. They can't allow anything else in which might counteract this adoration, so fight hard against it. It's all bullshit really because of course no relationship can be sustained on adoration alone after the first few weeks.

The important thing is to realise that perhaps there was a part of you that really needed to be adored too at the beginning. The way he treated you at the beginning probably made you feel amazing and special which is just what you needed as your marriage was ending. And they are very good at the adoration side so it feels wonderful.

So in some way these people do meet a need in us - the problem comes when we expect it to adjust into a normal relationship with give and take, and can cope with that - but they don't/can't.

There is nothing you could have done to turn him into a person which could manage this. The damage would have been done long ago.

Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 11:37

@TimelyManor
Its scary how alike these men are.
I could see the frustration building in him everytime i received a happy birthday message. To the point where he exploded and wouldn't go and see the film i wanted to see with free tickets that we had, as he wasn't in the mood.
Always had a headache or didn't feel.100 percent if it was a concert or film i liked. X

OP posts:
Lochie662 · 21/07/2020 11:46

My narcissist.... Every single person that he has ever been with "tricked " him into the relationship. He couldn't understand why he had been with this person or that, he stayed in relationships because he felt he had to. He made out fidelity and loyalty were important but they were anything but.

Last year I had a physical injury, I was in a lot of pain and I was struggling,. I remember asking him for support, I remember saying " I'm going through a hard time, can I ask you to support me a little?". Word for word. With anyone else I wouldn't have thought I had to ask ....

Anyway, he starts picking fights constantly, and when I respond to his digs he immediately starts using the silent treatment on me, stonewalling me. I remember feeling so much anxiety, so much pressure in my body. I was desperate for him to stop doing what he was doing. I was exhausted from crying every day. At the same time I was a confused, pathetic mess wondering if it was my fault? I mean it takes two to argue doesn't it? Maybe he's stressed because I'm not well?

I found out later ( he told me, ha!), That this was the very day he started to pursue a relationship with another woman, started talking to her the day I asked for support and they had sex for the first time two days later. While I was physically unable to get out of bed.

Then he told me that the reason he had behaved badly is because I was some sort of magical creature who had made him believe that he was worth happiness and happiness meant his needs being met. His needs being met meant sleeping with someone else. He was confused because of me. I was a bad person who had made him do these things that he couldn't have imagined doing prior to meeting me.

It was a bit if a head fuck. That's not the least of it either lol.

Sorry, I went off on a tangent there. They never take responsibility, even when they clearly did something wrong. Never. It's very upsetting to be with someone like that. We aren't going back.

Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 11:56

@BuffaloMozzerella
Its very childish of me but I wish it just never happened.
The hurt and pain is horrible and it was for nothing.
Hearing all this does help though because I j
Have spent years thinking it was me and i caused it and i made him mad etc.
He used to ask me for permission to do things and made out i moaned at him all the time.
It has been an experience and a half and at the end I still have feelings for him , that is the worst part just now x

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 12:00

@Lochie662
We can't go back.
So familiar, it was apparently his style to chat up of flirt with other women.. just his style to send dirty videos.

That is a total head fuck and the scary thing is that believe all of this is true and they are doing nothing wrong.
He would do the same, when he started the fights I would actually be sitting wondering how it had started. Or if I said something that would normally start a bit of a debate in a normal relationship he turned it into a full blown fight.
No need to apologise. I never knew that a person could be capable of so much, how do they have the energy.

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 12:01

@Lochie662
Wasn't his style

OP posts:
Lochie662 · 21/07/2020 12:05

I feel the same as you all, I am lonely. I have no extended family, I do have my son. Lockdown shut down my life, I have a busy life usually. Full time job, night classes and volunteering. All gone.

I've been thinking though.... My ex gave me a lot of attention at the beginning but it got more and more restricted, there were more hurdles to go over to get his attention, I had to try much harder to get much less.... Did anyone else find that?

Lochie662 · 21/07/2020 12:16

There's a good video ( I think ) Richard Grannon, 9 ways narcissists abuse people. It's enlightening.

The mock executions he talked about were a feature in my relationship. I've not heard anyone else talk about them.

He also classes the love bombing as a form of abuse because it's used to trick you

Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 12:18

@Lochie662
I felt like he took his attention away stage by stage.
Unanswered calls and messages as he was busy.
I was harassing him. Small things like a sweet from the shop or watching stuff i liked on TV.
He then started to make physical intimacy weird , like it was something I should appreciate. Although he was probably getting his kicks via videos.
He just always made me feel like i was waiting on him and hanging off his word and schedule. My fault for letting this happen x

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 21/07/2020 12:19

@Lochie662
Heading out now but i will watch this when I get back.
X

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