Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guy having long monologues during the date

156 replies

IvyMayaZ · 19/07/2020 13:20

Started Dating great guy. Same goals in life, values, amazing sex, connection....
However, he likes to have a long talks about his passions. For example stars talking about a movie in so much details that he talks for 30mins. If I try to jump in conversation just to ask question he just says “let me finish first I’ll get there”. At the end I feel stupid because he end the conversation and there is nothing else I feel I can contribute with. I am really trying to start conversations myself and I hoped we will get to point where our conversation flow a bit more. He decided yesterday to ask if I have any passions and that he wants us to be 50/50 not him talking all the time (we texted prior meeting for 3months so he knows I’m busy single mum and just like typical things - movie here and there, I study university, go gym - no big passions). I just found it a bit rude - I thought when he talks so much and doesn’t want me to interrupt at all for 30mins he just loves to talk. Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
Unfollowtherules · 19/07/2020 13:23

I’d say, yes great if I can get a word in edgeways.

He needs to know he is dominating the conversation.

Is he really worth it though? Sounds boring and full of his own self-importance to me.

Skyla2005 · 19/07/2020 13:25

Sounds annoying and boring He likes the sound of his own voice yawn

Fanthorpe · 19/07/2020 13:27

You can tell him how you feel? I’m guessing you think he’ll be offended.

Sounds like really hard work though. When you say the connection between you is great, what do you mean, you’re physically suited? Maybe enjoy that for a while, unless you’re desperate to meet someone more long term.

How does he get on with others? He must be infuriating in a group?

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 19/07/2020 13:28

God, how boring. I once literally fell asleep (at the table) during a monologue like this on a first date. He didn’t notice and just kept going. Needless to say, there was no second date. I also used to play the game with myself of counting the number of questions the man asked me about myself; on many dates, the answer was zero. Too many men are boring as hell and have a totally over-inflated sense of their own self-importance.

ThickFast · 19/07/2020 13:30

God I dated a guy like this one. Monologue after monologue. He was really hot but got so boring and unattractive very quickly.

Jaxhog · 19/07/2020 13:31

Sounds like he needs an audience, not a girlfriend.

If you really like him, find a hobby you can do while he drones on e.g. knitting, whittling, learning a new language (will he notice you have headphones on?), etc. Then at least your time is being put to good use.

Original poster
IvyMayaZ · 19/07/2020 13:32

I haven’t seen him in a group yet. Yes we do have connection in the bedroom / affectionate/ long kissing/chemistry. When we text it’s all day every day. I did tell him how I feel and he said we just need to work on it and he doesn’t want to give up. I never met anyone like that to be honest! He talks talks talks I can’t contribute during but then I’m not the person who can talk 20mins about Myself without getting Feedback/questions. So when I talk I say few sentences waiting for him to react - he sometimes does but again it leads to 15mins monologue

OP posts:
Original poster
IvyMayaZ · 19/07/2020 13:33

That’s a thing I don’t mind listening. But it shocked me when he brought it up as an issue for him - that I don’t contribute to conversations...

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 19/07/2020 13:35

I used to go to business networking meetings populated by men like this. It became a game to see how many I could interact with before anyone asked me what I did. I once managed 2 1/2 hours and 15 men. I even tried a flashing badge that said 'ask me what I do', but they ignored that too.

MiniTheMinx · 19/07/2020 13:35

I just couldn't. Imagine years of living with someone like this.

ThickFast · 19/07/2020 13:35

Maybe just start your own monologue at the same time. See what happens. Like when politicians do that thing where they don’t want to be the first to stop talking.

comingintomyown · 19/07/2020 13:59

Oh dear XH loved the sound of his own voice and mostly had little interest in what myself or others had to say.
I have also frequently played the games other posters refer to and find men amongst my family , work colleagues and friendship group far more interested in speaking than listening. It’s partly that I am a good listener and ask questions but I really notice when I’m talking to a man who asks me a question or seeks to develop a conversation I started.

NeedToKnow101 · 19/07/2020 14:03

I know someone like this. He doesn't listen to others even when they do try to contribute to the convo. He just loves the sound of his own pontificating. It's very wearing. Could never date someone like this.

crimsonlake · 19/07/2020 14:05

I do not see this changing.
I agree with ThirtyAndAsmidgen, there are too many men around like this. I have dated many, like the sound of their own voice and never ask you a question on a date.
My exh was the opposite, after the initial getting to know you stage where you chat non stop he pretty much had nothing to say. I could not live with either kind.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 19/07/2020 14:08

I have a good friend and she and her brother are both like this (and have got worse as they've got older). Both lovely cheerful people but monologues on their chosen topics can go on for ever. And ever. Phone calls are minimum 1hr long cos its a challenge to get a word in edgeways to end the call! DH now calls me after 30 mins just so i can end the call. Or i text them!
Theyre fine i small doses but neither of them have had long term relationships i think because they can be overwhelming.

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 14:09

I wouldn't like this, he sounds like a bore.

I prefer for there to be a dialogue not a monologue. I wouldn't spend more than a minute or two on a monologue on a topic I am passionate about, but not sure if the person I'm talking to, is. Simply because it can be very boring for the other person.

I want to be a good listener and I want to be in conversation with someone who is a good listener too.

Chamomileteaplease · 19/07/2020 14:11

This is hilarious! So @Unfollowtherules are you saying that he will talk for 30 minutes straight and he is annoyed because he is doing all the talking?? What is he saying - that he wants you to be able to do the same thing?? Grin

He does sound awful!! I agree with the PP - there are so many men who have no idea how to have a two way conversation and wouldn't know how to ask you a question even if their life depended on it.

Do come back and tell us more!

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 14:11

@IvyMayaZ

That’s a thing I don’t mind listening. But it shocked me when he brought it up as an issue for him - that I don’t contribute to conversations...
How can you contribute to conversations when he's telling you to shut up so he can finish his massive monologues? Odd.
GinWithASplashOfTonic · 19/07/2020 14:11

Sorry but LTB. The fact that I couldn't contribute to the conversation, because he's already answered the question. Or covered both sides of the story.

Think I'd get rather impatient and say "sorry, but if I wanted to know all of the film, I'd just watch it myself"

LonginesPrime · 19/07/2020 14:12

Any thoughts ?

Yeah - don't expect to change him!

He says you both need to work on it, but I'll bet that will involve you learning to adapt to his behaviour.

Whatever else is going on (narcissism, neurodivergence, patriarchy), the upshot is that he has a lack of self-awareness and limited social skills.

That's part of his package, so weigh him up based on who he is, not on who he might have the potential to become.

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 14:13

I guess if this bothers you (and rightly so), either you tell him that you want him to stop the long monologues about topics you're not interested in (and he does that), or you stop seeing him.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 19/07/2020 14:13

Was it Colm on Derry Girls?

JamieLeeCurtains · 19/07/2020 14:13

I'm prone to ranting on a bit about various things, and so is DP on occasion.

We're close enough friends after the years, as well as being in a relationship, to be able to take the piss.

A common one is, after one of us has talked for a loooooong time, in detail, about a particular subject like feminism today or soldering iron nib sizes, for the other to raise an eyebrow and say, deadpan, 'You haven't really thought about this much, have you?' It's code for, 'Bloody hell, that was a monologue and a half. Shut up now, for pity's sake.'

Glitteris · 19/07/2020 14:14

I think he's the sort of guy you have a good time with, date for a few months but not someone you settle with.

Because if he can't or doesn't work out how selfish he is at this point with the conversation it will only get worse. Plus you don't know what else he is like this with.

He won't change this behaviour for long because he's probably always done it.

I had a date like this, he was awful, every single time I tried to join in it was like I dead the conversation!
I have never dealt with this before, to be honest the more he went on the more I told him I felt sorry for his ex dp 🤣🤣🤣

If he wanted a therapist and not a date then I was going to wind him up

Dillydallyingthrough · 19/07/2020 14:16

He sounds boring and full of himself and with a bit self reflection could work out (if he wanted to) that he talks nonstop for 20 mins and that's why you are unable to join in the conversation. But turning it around is making it your issue.

My DPs father does this, its tedious we at all try to ask questions and all you get in response is 'let me finish', no because you've been talking for 30 mins about something we could have said in 3! Anyway, I hate spending time with him (his wife is lovely and says he has always been like this- she reads the paper once he starts) and DP thinks he is selfish and boring and doesn't really spend any time him.