Guy having long monologues during the date

[IvyMayaZ]

Started Dating great guy. Same goals in life, values, amazing sex, connection....
However, he likes to have a long talks about his passions. For example stars talking about a movie in so much details that he talks for 30mins. If I try to jump in conversation just to ask question he just says “let me finish first I’ll get there”. At the end I feel stupid because he end the conversation and there is nothing else I feel I can contribute with. I am really trying to start conversations myself and I hoped we will get to point where our conversation flow a bit more. He decided yesterday to ask if I have any passions and that he wants us to be 50/50 not him talking all the time (we texted prior meeting for 3months so he knows I’m busy single mum and just like typical things - movie here and there, I study university, go gym - no big passions). I just found it a bit rude - I thought when he talks so much and doesn’t want me to interrupt at all for 30mins he just loves to talk. Any thoughts ?

Christ cancel OP.
Why would you put yourself through that again.

Boring twat.

You don't have to put yourself through another boring date just cancel and say you're not feeling any spark and wish him all the best.

I have a tendency to ramble, but if someone tells me to (essentially) shut up for a minute, then I do realise and stop.

He sounds insufferable.

I went on a date with a guy once who failed to ask me how I was, comment that I looked nice or ask me how my day went. He droned on about himself for 40 minutes before I stood up and and walked out. We've strangely stayed in touch, become fairly good friends and I understand that he was just nervous which is why he talked AT me rather than to me. He's actually got a great personality.
But if I had that first date over again I'd do the same. It's rude and doesn't bode well for any resulting relationship to be that self absorbed.

He sounds like an awful bloody bore, I wouldn't put up with this shit at all. I did when I was younger though. And in my experience men like this only get worse, so I'd be running like the wind.

If you cancel in person, he might launch into a monologue persuading you to stay with him. I’d just call him.

I hate a date like this once. It might have been nerves, poor chap, but I am not a bloody listening charity. In the end I just stood up and said 'ok time for me to go' and I walked out. Imagine a lifetime of listening to that boring voice going on and on.

that should be 'had' a date, but 'hate a date' covers it too!

Good that you have decided to end it, if he doesn’t care what you think, doesn’t let you put a word in and changes the topic every time you are trying to say something...

There’s no future OP. And as people said, he doesn’t allow you to be yourself and will start thinking you are boring very soon. I will go as far as saying that this problems will NOT be all about conversations, it will soon be about doing all activities he wants, spending the money the way he wants, with little space for you to influence those decisions.

I had two epiphanies with my ex, after years of doing beach holidays (which I hate), going to pop music concerts (that I do not know anything about), going to restaurants which he liked (Which I didn’t mind but I would have preferred different ones). He said:

-“you don’t have any hobbies!” So I said of course I do! Then realised I had not done any of my hobbies since the months after we started because all my money and time was going into joining him on his (and he was still complaining I was not playing ball...)

• He was affluent and for a work gala he was sent this fancy taxi to pick us up. I have no idea how the taxi driver ended up driving a taxi but he seemed far more cultured than the guy sitting next to me on the back seat. So taxi driver mentioned something about the country I am from and from that followed a 90 minutes conversation that morphed into a debate that touched on medieval history, the American political system, Russian literature and alternative models of education.

My now ex was shocked, we had been together for 3 years and he didn’t know I could keep a debate to such level, and I was shocked too that he didn’t know as that was normally the reason why men became attracted to me, but then... we never talked about my interests, so I guess he liked my hair...

Don’t meet up with him. He will just say dickish things and from your posts it seems likely you’d take this to heart rather than thinking (as posters think) that he’s the problem! Just dump by text, or if you must video call.

Wouldn’t date again until you’ve worked on your confidence and assertiveness!

Lundy Bancroft said a "severely self-centred" man is often excellent in bed, because for them it's all about the performance.

"When Mr Amazing is lighting the candles, choosing the music, and using his soft, smooth voice to conjure the sexual mood, you may be thinking, 'Wow, this is so amazingly deep, and here we are going through this together'. But in reality the abuser is secretly off in a world by himself, engaged more with his fantasy than with you."

Ring a bell?

Anyway, enough analysis. Run away, run away!

Glad you’re ending it, OP. I was alarmed that you were sounding apologetic about being bored by his monologues!

My late-70s father does this, and has all his life. He once talked to two complete strangers in a car park for half an hour (I timed him, because I was sitting in the car) about his dental work. It’s like he has autism.

You are giving him another date? Why?

Just call him and say “Thank you for the dates we have been on in the past. I just wanted to know that I won’t be going on any future dates with you. Best of luck with everything and I hope you find what you are looking for.”

If he starts monologue-ing put the phone down on him.

He’s treated you awfully and he doesn’t deserve yet another date to do the same. Going on a date to end it is madness.

“let me finish first I’ll get there”

Retort 'I wish you would'

How self absorbed

I dated someone like this. It turned out he was a coke head.

Typo in my post above. It’s LIKELY he has autism. (Undiagnosed, but my sister works in the field, and thinks he would reach diagnosis threshold.)

There's no need to meet him again, op. He won't take any criticism on board, and may well make comments that make you feel negative about yourself.

I also dated one like this. I had spectacularly low self esteem back then and took his desire to talk at me as a sign that he liked me (at least enough to pin me to a chair and monologue for two hours).

He was a controlling fuckwit. I just didn't see it. A good friend, meeting him for the first time, said 'he's just talked about himself for two hours straight and not asked me a single thing about myself'.

I hadn't even noticed...

My ex was a bit like this, he'd talk about himself ALL the time, if I started a conversation about anything, and I do mean anything, he's somehow manage to turn it around so he could talk about himself again.

I used to hate socialising with him as I noticed it all the time, at first people didn't notice, then as the evening wore on, people would cotton on and start to try and steer him away from his favourite subject, but he was the master at the game so people glazed over or walked off. He was your typical social hand grenade

Yes, @Zaphodsotherhead, and also girls are still socialised to think that men talking at them at length is a compliment, rather than a signal that they see you as wallpaper they can shag.

Is it even worth seeing him again? I'd text him something like 'Your comment about wanting me to contribute more to the conversation has made me realise that we don't have enough in common to continue with a relationship. Good luck with finding someone who shares your interests.'

@Anniegetyourgun OMG that’s exactly how the sex has been ...

It sound like he might be on the spectrum if he likes to talk a lot about his special interests. My DP is aspie and he’s lovely. He had special interests too and I love that he is passionate about them. Yes, being with an aspie partner has its challenges but if you can work through them it can lead to a really fulfilling relationship. Might be something to bear in mind if you otherwise like this guy.

Sounds like annie has it sussed.

Also I should have mentioned that either way it’s almost certainly not because you’re boring, so please don’t think that. Much more likely that he’s aspie and/or wants to share them with you and/or anxious so not regulating his conversation. That said if you don’t enjoy being in his company that’s another thing. I asked my DP if he was aspie right off the bat and although he was undiagnosed at the time he thought he might be and turns out he is.