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Relationships

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Original poster

Guy having long monologues during the date

156 replies

IvyMayaZ · 19/07/2020 13:20

Started Dating great guy. Same goals in life, values, amazing sex, connection....
However, he likes to have a long talks about his passions. For example stars talking about a movie in so much details that he talks for 30mins. If I try to jump in conversation just to ask question he just says “let me finish first I’ll get there”. At the end I feel stupid because he end the conversation and there is nothing else I feel I can contribute with. I am really trying to start conversations myself and I hoped we will get to point where our conversation flow a bit more. He decided yesterday to ask if I have any passions and that he wants us to be 50/50 not him talking all the time (we texted prior meeting for 3months so he knows I’m busy single mum and just like typical things - movie here and there, I study university, go gym - no big passions). I just found it a bit rude - I thought when he talks so much and doesn’t want me to interrupt at all for 30mins he just loves to talk. Any thoughts ?

OP posts:

VodselForDinner · 19/07/2020 16:10

Fast forward 30 years.

The amazing sex will be gone less frequent.
The monologues will be longer.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/07/2020 16:11

I did tell him how I feel and he said we just need to work on it and he doesn’t want to give up

WE?!

The sheer arrogance of him thinking it's not his fault. There's a whole load of reasons why he's like this which are a long and boring as his Star Trek monologues, but personally I couldn't be arsed, life's too short for putting up with this shit. Keep him as a FWB if he's up for it.

BertiesLanding · 19/07/2020 16:13

It's a compulsion. It'll be very hard to change.

JamieLeeCurtains · 19/07/2020 16:14

And just think, OP, he'll be forever telling his future girlfriends - at some length, I suspect - about his 'crazy Ex' with the obsession for Yeoman Janice Rand's hairstyles.

Maybe it'll become a nationally recognised trope for 'red flag: boring bloke alert'.

Do it for yourself. Do it for women.

Dozer · 19/07/2020 16:14

A compulsion? Doubt it.

IrenetheQuaint · 19/07/2020 16:20

I went out with a guy like this once. Actually what he said was generally very interesting, but I got to the point where I just couldn't bear the monologues any longer. So one day after he had been going on about something for ages and finally paused to take a breath, I said that I was sorry but the continual monologues had had a disastrous effect on my sex drive and I had to end the relationship. It was quite satisfying.

pickingdaisies · 19/07/2020 16:25

Hold up your hand, lollipop person style. "Can I just stop you there? Thanks. Bye!"

VenusTiger · 19/07/2020 16:29

Fawkes?

BertiesLanding · 19/07/2020 16:31

@Dozer

A compulsion? Doubt it.

I think it is. It doesn't mean he can't change it, but he probably won't because it's an unconscious defence mechanism - very effective, too, because he is going to drive her away.

VenusTiger · 19/07/2020 16:34

Does he have obsessions and call them passions OP? Is he autistic perhaps?

NC4Now · 19/07/2020 16:36

He sounds very boring and lacking in social skills. Wouldn’t do it for me. I don’t want to have to work at dating someone in the early days.

Wauden · 19/07/2020 16:51

I have known a few people who have monologued at me and seemed oblivious to the effect and the stares from other people. Some were interesting but as for the one who droned on the phone, I surfed the internet at the same time .

One guy I met at work was interesting but the first time I met him he spoke for one hour. I felt drained. Funnily enough, recently I thought that he was one who got away, but in hindsight, nope.

pictish · 19/07/2020 17:17

@VodselForDinner

Fast forward 30 years.

The amazing sex will be gone less frequent.
The monologues will be longer.

That’s a given.

ChavvySexPond · 19/07/2020 17:40

I would never be in a relationship with a man like this because about two minutes into the first time he did this I'd interrupt .

if he started up again, about two minutes later I'd interrupt again and the third time I'd gently take the Mickey out of him. And so on.

Within the first 15 minutes of meeting me he would either remember how manners and conversations work or one of us would give up the other as a bad job.

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 17:41

@IvyMayaZ

He went on about Star Trek for 30mins with all the dates when it came out and all names - I never seen even 2mins of it so yea...I was bored (and felt terrible about it)

Oh God, OP. This sounds really boring for anyone except a hardcore star trek fan.

MarioPuzo · 19/07/2020 17:45

Nooooooo! If he's good in bed then just keep him as a sex friend, but you don't need to sit patiently listening to him talking about Klingon society for 30 minutes. He's a bore.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/07/2020 17:53

Six months down the line I bet he'll be dumping you because you are 'boring'...

and he still won't have a clue what your parents are called, what your attitude is to pets, where you'd like to live, what your hopes and dreams for the future are.

Because he cannot listen.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/07/2020 18:03

Actually, next time he starts monologuing, ask him what he thinks about the semantics in 'Dharmok'.

And then send him to me...

Original poster

IvyMayaZ · 19/07/2020 18:09

@Zaphodsotherhead
Exactly I feel from his conversation he is already suggesting that by analysing last night how I need to be more involved in the conversation. It just made me more insecure instead of just trying to go with the flow and find balance

OP posts:

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 18:10

[quote IvyMayaZ]@Zaphodsotherhead
Exactly I feel from his conversation he is already suggesting that by analysing last night how I need to be more involved in the conversation. It just made me more insecure instead of just trying to go with the flow and find balance[/quote]
That just sounds like he is trying to motivate you into being more interested in his monologues and expects you to ask him questions to make his monologues go on longer. I think you need to throw this one back OP.

verypeckish · 19/07/2020 18:25

If he wants you to be more involved with the conversation, then he needs to shut the fuck up for long enough so you can get a word in edgeways.

He also needs to let you choose topics of conversation should you so wish, rather than it be something that interests him but bores you rigid.

It's not you - it's him.

Original poster

IvyMayaZ · 19/07/2020 18:31

He does Give me space occasionally but I can’t talk without feedback so I shorten my story to 1-2mins and he always replies with his own story that changes into another story and the subject is completely changed by the end of his conversation

OP posts:

NameChange84 · 19/07/2020 18:34

Seriously, why are you wasting time with this guy?

He doesn’t give a shit about you. Who you are. What makes you tick.

He deserves zero rights to your time and your body. He’s not relationship material!

verypeckish · 19/07/2020 18:40

@IvyMayaZ

It isn't a conversation, he is launching into a monologue and surely it shouldn't be this hard.

You don't have to tell a story every time you speak to each other. What happens if you mention the weather - does he spend the next 20 minutes regaling you with details of the jet stream, windspeeds and every possible cloud formation, and then explain why it's raining?

Didiusfalco · 19/07/2020 18:46

Seriously this is rude and selfish behaviour. He won’t let you interject or join in with the conversation, just talks at you? It’s not like he’s talking about anything interesting or something on which he has specialist knowledge. It’s massively arrogant to think you should be satisfied sitting and listening to him monologue and even worse to think you need to work to improve the situation! Honestly the boredom and irritation will only increase.

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