Guy having long monologues during the date

[IvyMayaZ]

Started Dating great guy. Same goals in life, values, amazing sex, connection....
However, he likes to have a long talks about his passions. For example stars talking about a movie in so much details that he talks for 30mins. If I try to jump in conversation just to ask question he just says “let me finish first I’ll get there”. At the end I feel stupid because he end the conversation and there is nothing else I feel I can contribute with. I am really trying to start conversations myself and I hoped we will get to point where our conversation flow a bit more. He decided yesterday to ask if I have any passions and that he wants us to be 50/50 not him talking all the time (we texted prior meeting for 3months so he knows I’m busy single mum and just like typical things - movie here and there, I study university, go gym - no big passions). I just found it a bit rude - I thought when he talks so much and doesn’t want me to interrupt at all for 30mins he just loves to talk. Any thoughts ?

Beware: my friend’s ex-dp and mine too are like this and they were horrible, especially once the kids came along.
We were just discussing this the other day in fact.
Does he display any other narcissistic tendencies?

Fuck that. I spent far too many of my younger years with men like this.

If he monologues all the time, continuously interrupts you and doesn't listen, then he has no respect or care for you.

The pp who said the monologues will get longer and the sex will get worse is right

This won't get better

Does he ever make you laugh?

God he sounds insufferable.

You’re not a girlfriend, you’re just a willing receptacle for his cerebral vomit. Your interests, wants and needs and irrelevant, you’re just there as a platform for his pontificating.

Ugh.

@IvyMayaZ

That’s a thing I don’t mind listening. But it shocked me when he brought it up as an issue for him - that I don’t contribute to conversations...

Ha ha - it amazes me how self-unaware some people can be (meaning him!)

Never mind about dating. I find in general, people who don't ask questions about you in a conversation, just rude and self-absorbed.

A narcissist. Run.

Theres often intense chemistry with narcissists. We think it's because they fancy us, really its because they want to consume everything that makes us who we are.

It isnt normal to not let someone get a word in. Let alone literally tell them to stop when they try. Let alone THEN claim they wish you were more chatty. That really borders on gaslighting tbh as they are denying the reality that it was them that wouldn't let you speak in the first place.

This isnt a red flag, it's a neon flashing alarm. Run for the hills.

If I try to jump in conversation just to ask question he just says “let me finish first I’ll get there”

Dump, just based on that.

Yes, I agree with @Gobbycop. That comment is awful

OP with all due respect, what the fuck are you thinking?!

You're dating a man who simultaneously won't allow you to speak but also says you don't contribute enough to conversation.

You know what that really means? He wants you to do what he wants, exactly when he wants you to do it and at no other time.

And you think that's acceptable? That's the bar you're setting for who you want to be with?

I would dump him but if you're not going to do that then I would reply with something like--:

"I'm glad you brought this up because I very often feel you're talking at me rather than to me. This is exacerbated by the fact that when you're talking at me and I try to contribute, I'm told to wait and that can last up to 30 minutes like it did the other day when you were talking about xyz. I'm not sure you know that it's something you do, but it means I cannot really be my full self around you as you leave no room for me to do so. I'm unsure where to go from here as you seem to feel it's an issue with me rather than an issue you're hugely contributing to which is troubling. You sanctimonious wanker.--"

But as I say I would dump him.

My bests friend. Is married to one of these, he drives her, and his mates to distraction. But he also doesn't get offended if you tell him to shut up or tell him you're bored now and can he get to the point. He just doesn't realise he's doing it, but also appreciates he's boring and will happily shut up when asked

I really dislike people like this. I think it’s selfish behaviour. Why are they more important than anyone else, that they can drone on and on?

I just avoid them

The last guy I dated used to talk about his shift at work for at least 30 minutes without breath. This might sound reasonable but I couldn't get a word in and then he wouldn't ask about my day. It was always about him. In fact, I'm not entirely sure he knew what I did for a living!

My friend's ASD son does this - it's his form of stimming now he's an adult. He monologues at her all day - and, as it's her son, she can't even get away! She can be in the living room with him talking at her, go upstairs, change the beds, come down - and he's still talking on the same subject. He doesn't need her to listen, he just needs to talk.

It would be funny if it weren't driving her to awful depression.

OP, you could be anyone. You just fulfil a function to him - you are someone for him to talk to and have sex with. He's not interested in you. In a way you don't even exist for him.

Just get rid. What is the point in being treated like this?

And I refuse to believe he's good in bed. He's only interested in himself.

I’ve had male friends in the past who are like this. Sometimes seen it in women too, but it’s far more common in men IME, particularly those who were babied by their parents and have never learnt to consider the needs/thoughts/wants of others. You can’t change them, nor should you have to. I’m far less tolerant with it these days: if someone were to talk at me for thirty mins and cut me off whenever I tried to interject, I’d politely excuse myself and that would likely be the last time I saw them.

So he knows he's boring but he's trying to blame you for it? Does he have a sense of humour? Dh has recently started droning on about someone called Levy (sp) who is apparently the chairman or something of Tottenham Hotspurs and I drop my head and start sarcastically snoring. Or I hold my hand up and say 'That's plenty, Isa' (we're Still Game fans) but dh takes it well. If he doesn't have a sense of humour you're wasting your time.

You would hear my foof slam shut in New South Wales!

My ex used to go on and on about cycling at parties, completely ignoring me, to the point where people would be bored out of their minds and you could see the desperation in their eyes as they suggested his girlfriend was on her own and needed company or more obviously clung to a passing acquaintance whispering for the love of god save me, this is the most boring man I’ve ever met.
Anyway, what I would do now if that happened is start timing and feeding back.
Thanks Brian, FYI you spoke for three 40-minute intervals this evening and our date has lasted 2 hours and 15 minutes and I spent three minutes in the toilet.

I think you should use one of those apps that you can speak into and then it generates a word doc you can edit. You can then give him his transcript for review. He'll know what you're up against when he falls asleep reading it.

My mums like this. It's not fun. You would be in for a lonely time ahead of you stay with him.
You will get so you can't talk about your day, discuss feelings, hopes and dreams, they will literally know nothing about you because every time you open your mouth they're not listening. Their mind is always thinking on how what you're saying can be related to them, compared to an experience they've had, turned into a story about them. You will be talked at not with, you will be interrupted and never get to finish a sentence or get your point across. They will never care for what you have to say. They will repeat the same stories over and over in minute detail.
It's a very selfish trait to have it believe me it's not fun.

@InspectorGoul

He’s very unlikely to change

I also agree with the PP who said that his idea of you contributing to the conversation might be akin to you putting in more effort to facilitate his monologue.

If it’s caused by poor social awareness you could be inadvertently prolonging your misery by being polite. He might need more obvious signals like yawning, staring about the window, checking your phone etc to get the message. Or just telling him directly that you are not interested.

Just want to thank everyone for their opinions. I’m going to see this man last time this Saturday to just tell him I’m not interested in seeing him anymore. Life is too short and he really made me super anxious and stressed that I’m boring and can’t join the conversation when he talks. Plus I was super bored when he talked. Also forgot to mention he made me watch movies I wasn’t really interested in watching and told him so (he wanted me to get to know his passions-from the first date!!!) So thank you again

Haha, his passions huh? Does he even know your name? Do you think if you open your mouth to say 'you're dumped' you'll get half way through the second word and he'll go 'im just going to stop you there and go into a monologue about how he isnt dumped, because he says so'.

I wouldn't bother to meet him. He comes accross as a manipulative shit. He'll only headfuck you into feeling guilty or make you feel like shit. Text him that he isnt the one for you, you wish him all the best and then block.

Just cancel, it's kinder......and easier.