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Original poster

Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

345 replies

FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:05

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

OP posts:
StopGo · 18/07/2020 14:29

What are widows meant to do, keep married name or revert back to maiden name?

IceCreamSummer20 · 18/07/2020 14:29

@allfalldown47

I totally get it, it's your name now and you want to have the same name as your dc.

My advice to anyone getting married? Keep your surname! If you want to have the same name as your husband, he can take yours.
I'm a hopeless romantic but look at the plain facts, almost half of all marriages end in divorce and the vast majority of dc live mostly with their mum.

This is the most sensible and honest response of the thread!
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 18/07/2020 14:55

@Fressia123 apologies for that. I was going on what my Colombian DIL told me, I assumed it was the same as the Spanish or I misunderstood! Lo siento. Still a great system.
@copperoliver I totally agree with you.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 18/07/2020 15:05

@TigerDater

What a woman, what a performer, what a survivor 🥰
She is amazing, what a hideous ex she had. I’ve just downloaded the audiobook of her autobiography.
OP posts:
Original poster
FieryChilli · 18/07/2020 15:09

@StopGo

What are widows meant to do, keep married name or revert back to maiden name?
That’s a good point. I think people see it as ok for a widow to keep her dh’s last name as they were still married & committed but I get the impression from posters that for an ex to do so is awful. If there is no love or commitment how dare she keep it. I don’t think this at all in regards to my personal circumstances.
OP posts:
Jocasta2018 · 18/07/2020 15:19

My Mum kept her married name after my parents split up for two reasons:
She wanted the same surname as me - it was either keep my Dad's name or double-barrel with her maiden name;
She'd got so far in her lengthy career having my Dad's surname that it would be confusing if she went back to her maiden name.
My step-mum changed her name to my Dad's & has no problems with Mum keeping her marital name.

ButteryPuffin · 18/07/2020 16:17

What are widows meant to do, keep married name or revert back to maiden name?

Let some man decide for them, I presume Hmm That is the depressing thrust of some replies.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 18/07/2020 16:26

I had the opposite problem funnily!

My husband was never married to his ex but they shared children who had his name. She was still her maiden name so different from the kids.

She asked when we married that I not take his name because she didn't want me having the same surname as her kids when she didn't.

My answer was no and I did take his name as I'd planned to do.

Whilst I understand to a degree, it is not my problem that they were unmarried and decided to give the kids his name instead of hers.

Pipandmum · 18/07/2020 16:39

I couldn't care less that my husband's ex kept her married name, it was the same as her kids after all. She did eventually revert to her maiden name after a few years.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 18/07/2020 16:45

@Gingaaarghpussy

Print out the page from the phone book with the surname and ask her if shes going to moan at them too?Grin
^^^ option one.

Suggest he changes his name to hers and grin.

^^^ option two

It’s not your ex’s name, it is your name. Remind him of this. If he and his new wife want a different name to the one you already have, they should come up with a new one together.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 18/07/2020 17:44

I think it's part of a wider issue. She wants to take over from now on and is trying to assert some control. Let's hope she doesn't try to take him away from his kids too. She sounds insecure in the relationship. Keep whatever name you like that's under your control xx

IceCreamSummer20 · 18/07/2020 18:57

@ButteryPuffin

What are widows meant to do, keep married name or revert back to maiden name?

Let some man decide for them, I presume Hmm That is the depressing thrust of some replies.

The irony is that all women who have changed their surname on marriage have let the man’s name take dominance already. I really don’t understand that one is a patriarchal act - but that not wanting to change it back becomes an act of feminism?
Hopoindown31 · 18/07/2020 18:58

I think it is very much an individual woman's choice whether to change her name at all including after a divorce. I kept my married name because it is the same as my DC's and the cost and hassle isn't worth it.

New partner has to just learn to live with it. She'll either get over it or she won't and you don't really need to have much to do with her anyway if you don't want to.

ButteryPuffin · 18/07/2020 19:01

Once you decide it's your name and not some bloke's name you just get to borrow on sufferance for as long as he's happy with that, you're at least moving in a feminist direction. Otherwise only men really ever have ownership of names.

OP is doing what she wants rather than giving in to please her ex. I support that.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 18/07/2020 19:47

@ButteryPuffin

Once you decide it's your name and not some bloke's name you just get to borrow on sufferance for as long as he's happy with that, you're at least moving in a feminist direction. Otherwise only men really ever have ownership of names.

OP is doing what she wants rather than giving in to please her ex. I support that.

I think this thread has blown away the small doubts I had that niggling at the back of my mind that I was being odd in keeping it have certainly gone. If anything it’s empowered me more. You are absolutely right and thank you for articulating this so well.
OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 18/07/2020 19:53

honestly, I think an ex wife who keeps the married name is a bit sad

I kept mine because my daughter wanted me to have the same surname as her. She was four at the time and it seemed a reasonable request. By the time she married and changed her surname, I was used to the married name.

Bringonspring · 18/07/2020 20:00

I would keep it principally because I like having the same name as my DC. If she doesn’t like it she shouldn’t be marrying someone with an ex wife and with children

Ellie56 · 18/07/2020 20:02

She's probably peed off because you're Mrs Chilli 1 and she'll be Mrs Chilli 2. Grin

Tell her to do one. Incidentally what does EX think?

Crackerofdoom · 18/07/2020 20:22

I would only offer to change to my maiden name on the condition that the children change to my maiden name too. Then your ex can decide where his priorities lie.

DH and I are from different countries and the kids have passports from his country for various reasons. If I travelled with the kids with a different nationality and different surname it would be a nightmare.

Plus, I have had the surname for 12 years now. It is mine. I have had it longer than my children have had it. It has become part of my identity and I would only change it if it is what I wanted to do.

She gets the pleasure of being married to your ex for the rest of her life, not to re-write history and erase you.

EmbarrassedUser · 18/07/2020 20:25

DH’s ex actually rang him up crying the day after our wedding saying ‘I can’t be Mrs XXX’ anymore Hmm It was so weird. I mean I didn’t care fgs. She did actually go back to her maiden name but I felt like you @FieryChilli A name is a name and if you want to keep it then do, if you want to change it then do. Your choice.

MaeveDidIt · 18/07/2020 20:39

There's no way I would change it - she must be very ridiculously insecure or ridiculously self-centered or both.

MulticolourMophead · 18/07/2020 20:48

@Aerial2020

Where do they orginate from then?
Some surnames originate and have been passed down from women.
MulticolourMophead · 18/07/2020 20:57

@Fressia123

Obla that's not exactly correct. We take our father's (first) surname plus our mothers (first) surname

So for example

Jose Fernandez Sánchez and Carmen Hernández Aguilar have a son and a daughter.

The boy would be Diego Fernandez Hernández and the girl Maria Fernandez Hernandez.

The boy later has a child with Srta Dominguez Perez. That baby would be Joaquin Fernandez Dominguez.

Maria has a baby with Sr. Camacho Gutierrez
Their baby will be Juana Camacho Fernandez.

So as you can see, cousins will share surnames which gives a nice feeling of belonging/identity.

By your example, all the first surnames are the male surname.
MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 18/07/2020 20:59

I would only offer to change to my maiden name on the condition that the children change to my maiden name too.

Now this is a very good suggestion. Because if the answer is no, thats it isnt you being funny about names at all. Its them.

whatisthislifesofullofcare · 18/07/2020 21:01

What name will the seconds wife’s children have?
Her ex’s? 🤨